I spent the entirety of last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills utterly humiliated. Not on account of anything that I had done. Of course not! The fact that I rolled out of bed this morning, put a belt around my pajamas and called it an outfit should be all the indication that you need that I’m not embarrassed easily on my own account. Instead, all of my humiliation was second-hand.
Our Housewives were extra embarrassing last night, right? I didn’t just somehow spontaneously became capable of being embarrassed by these women? They were almost worse than the Jersey broads, mostly because you’d expect that a bunch of rich ladies in Beverly Hills would at least have had some home training. Apparently not, though. Apparently not.
We started by meeting Taylor’s friend Dana, who answered the door wearing a low-cut, crystal-encrusted evening gown that pushed her boobs up to her chin, and also a tiara, because what’s an outfit without a tiara? Nothing, that’s what. Kyle and Taylor had arrived to visit with her and have lunch so that all of the viewers at home could get a convenient introduction to New Girl Dana, who just so happened to be having a fitting with her sparkly, cleavage-y wedding dress and all of her jewels, for which she made the prices known immediately.
Taylor and Kyle retired to the dining room while the fitting was completed, and on the way there, Kyle picked up a bizarre flyer that Dana had made about her toddler that was conveniently stacked on the house’s entrance table or all visitors to familiarize themselves with her Baby Genius. Dana’s baby speaks Thai, does pilates, reads books and has already demonstrated cold fusion at an international conference, didn’t you know? They’re doing “encyclopedia training” now, whatever that means. Dana might not be aware that no one uses encyclopedias anymore and that she’d be well-served to get the little brat a laptop and some wifi, but I guess it’s not as fancy to say that your kid uses the Internet. I’m fairly sure that my parents’ dog can use the Internet.
In what will likely prove to be the most subtly hilarious moment of the entire season, Kyle responded to all of Dana’s bragging about her special snowflake by saying that her baby walked from birth. As in, walked straight out of her vagina, no assistance needed, and waved at everyone. Now that baby is a blackbelt. Dana listened to all of Kyle’s mockery so intently for several moments, clearly unaware that any of it was a joke and that children absolutely cannot walk from birth, and the amount of time it took her to realize that she was the butt of the joke was truly a stupendous thing to see. It wasn’t long enough to make us wonder if she’s “slow,” but just long enough to make it clear that Dana believes all of the bullshits she spouts about her kid.
Over at Villa Blanca, Lisa was tasting wines and being asked to be a TV commentator for the royal wedding. Lisa is funny (and as Taylor keenly pointed out, both British and married), so it seems to me like she’d be just as good of a commentator as anyone. I have the vague feeling that she might have ended up being on the broadcast that I watched, but it was so late and I was so disgusted with myself for participating in the hoopla that I don’t actually remember. I JUST WANTED TO SEE THE MCQUEEN DRESS, YOU GUYS. I SWEAR.
At Adrienne’s house, she and Paul (who seems to be constantly milling about the house in scrubs) discussed dog poop and barbecues, barbecues and dog poop. Jackpot likes to go number two in Paul’s closet, which Adrienne thinks is hilarious but Paul doesn’t find quite as funny. The upshot of the entire scene seemed to be that they’re having a barbecue for the Housewives for no appreciable reason so, you know, duly noted. Moving on.
In slightly more interesting news, Taylor and Brandi got together to have drinks and discuss the nastiness of Brandi’s marriage and divorce. They discussed all the requisite divorce things – therapy, mediation, kids, what happens when a spouse remarries. Come to think of it, this wasn’t more interesting than Adrienne and Paul talking about dog poop. I stand corrected, on reflection.
We checked in with Kim next, and you guys, Sad Kim is Sad. That’s what all of her scenes should be called. She was puttering around the house, talking to her maid (who seemed to be an unwilling participant in the conversation) and polishing the dozens of pictures of her children that she has on every surface suitable for picture-sitting. She then enumerated the reasons why none of them are there with her and she’s forced to be friends with the maid, and it occurred to me that maybe she and Camille should get together for a cocktail and discuss how to hire good payroll friends.
And then finally, FINALLY we had some fun. Kyle and Lisa, their respective husbands in tow, got together to talk some smack about a few select other people. Dana was up first, and Kyle recounted the outfit and tiara, in addition to her Fulbright Scholar-turned-supermodel toddler. Lisa’s reaction was appropriately indicative of second-hand mortification, which is a feeling that Dana has probably never felt first-hand in her entire life. Taylor was up next, and perhaps predictably, Kyle and Lisa didn’t quite agree. There were no fireworks, but surely that conflict will resurface later.
Without further adieu, it was time for that barbecue that Adrienne had mentioned earlier in the episode. While she was inside choosing the appropriately casual champaign flutes, the First Wives Club (now with bonus third wives!) was having an impromptu meeting outside when Camille met Brandi for the first time. While that was going on, Dana showed up to tell everyone that her sunglasses cost $25,000, whether they asked her about them or not. For the love of god, if one of you out there has ever spent that much money on a pair of sunglasses (particularly a pair that looks like they were designed circa 2003), DON’T EVER TELL ANYONE. Take that secret to your grave with you, although not because someone will steal them from you. Instead, keep it to yourself because it just makes you look like a complete moron, not to mention an easy mark for potential grifting. I’ve got some swampland in Florida that I bet I could sell to Dana pretty quickly. Even Camille commented that Dana’s bragging was crass, which should demonstrate to you just how incredibly obnoxious and obvious it was. Also, Camille: TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE. But I digress.
Elsewhere at the party, Brandi’s son whipped out is peepee to piss all over the yard, to which Brandi responded with laughs and assurances to Kyle that peeing like that is far preferable to peeing in the pool. What she did not respond with, however, was any sort of words to her son about how it’s not nice to whip it out and pee in public. Or whip it out and do anything else with it in public. Might be a nice life lesson for the kid to learn, yes?
While Kyle was trying to locate Kim and find out why she hadn’t shown up to the party (because she doesn’t have any little kids anymore and she wanted to instead spend time at home, clutching her grown children’s pictures and being Sad Kim), Lisa was at CNN, filming her commentary for the royal wedding and making Twitter friends with Dr. Drew. The entire thing was just so very Lisa – she even asked for an earpiece for Giggy so that he could hear what was going on. Ken, on the other hand, fell asleep sitting up backstage.
Back at Adrienne’s barbecue, more of the housewives had gathered together to talk about Camille’s singledom and how small Frasier’s penis was. (Eww. EWW. I don’t want to think about that, I prefer to assume that unattractive men are smooth like a Ken doll down there instead.) For some reason, Brandi said “cock” and everyone acted kind of offended and embarrassed for a moment like they had never, ever in their lives heard that word used before, let alone in front of people, which seemed kind of silly when you consider that all of those women have one or more biological children. Do they know where babies come from? A cock has to be present.
Suddenly, Brandi broke into the conversation again and said that even though everyone thinks she’s a Super Slut (capitalization seems fair here, yes?), she’s totally not, even though no one had even said anything about Brandi’s sexual habits and she’s famous for her husband cheating on her, not the other way around. Because this sort of thing seems to be a running problem for this episode, here’s another lesson on things that you can’t exclaim in public: Don’t just go around preemptively telling people that you’re not a Super Slut, because if you do, they’ll all assume that you’re doing that because you actually are Slutty McSleepsaround (not that there’s anything wrong with that), and you’ll have put yourself even further in the hole than you were already. (I feel like there’s some sort of “that’s what she said” to be done about using the phrase “in the hole” in this context, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.)
In an utterly inept attempt to distract from the awkwardness of shouting “COCK!” in a crowded theater, Brandi then went on to make a joke about how Dana’s fiance would surely be cheating on her while on the East Coast to visit his child and his cancer-stricken mother, and that went over like a lead balloon. Making jokes about cheating in a group of women whose husbands are highly likely to be fooling around is not much of a way to ingratiate yourself to all of your new friends, particularly after you’ve already let your son pee in the yard and had lunch with one of the group’s arch-enemies. See, I told you guys last week that this Brandi chick was going to be trouble. I just know these things. I don’t think Dana is going to be any trouble, per se, but she might eventually make me roll my eyes so hard that they get stuck that way.
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