So, again, apologies. Fashion Week chewed me up and spit me out. Fashion Week rode me hard and put me away wet. I’m still recovering, and the only things that seem to accurately explain what happened and why there was no Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap last week are cliches. I have no more original thoughts.
Well, I have a few more, but they’re mostly contained in the recap that follows, so I’ll leave you to encounter those later. As you might imagine, though, this episode wasn’t exactly full of laugh-y times, so the recap might be a little dour when compared to most others. I did what I could.
We started at the end of last week’s episode, where Taylor and Kyle were in the hot tub at Camille’s ski house in Aspen, having what was perhaps the most serious discussion to ever take place in a reality television hot tub. (Usually the only thing that takes place in those is herpes.) Before long, the serious conversation moved inside, where Taylor proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was kind of drunkypants (not that I blame her, for real) and immediately set her sights on Kim, who she woke up from a nap, cuddled up next to and proceeded to babble incoherently.
Kim knows all about incoherent (drunken, let’s be honest) babbling, so she and Taylor (and eventually Kyle) had an intense heart-to-heart that eventually turned into giggles and everyone calling themselves assholes, which was kind of refreshing and also felt like a nice resolution to a very dramatic beginning to the episode. If only I had known at that moment that it wasn’t any kind of resolution to anything, at all, period. It was just the first phase of the crying mess that was to follow.
The next few minutes are kind of a blur to me; despite the fact that I watch the episode twice and tried to pay particular attention to this segment, I’m still not entirely sure what happened or why. First Taylor somehow ended up pouting (but in a joking way!) while splayed out in Kyle’s suitcase in what looked like a closet. Then I blinked, and suddenly Taylor was perplexed about the location of her makeup bag, which lead quickly to tears. Then a blinked again, and Taylor was viciously angry that no one could find her makeup, and someone must have stolen it. Because all of these ladies are so desperately in need of a half-used MAC lipgloss.
It was more than a tad worrisome that Taylor was cycling through emotions so quickly, but when you mix an abusive husband, a dissolving marriage, a bunch of booze on an empty stomach, the extreme temperature change of a hot tub and some reality television cameras, you’re pretty much destined to get the kind of sad disaster that we had last night. A couple of the saner cast members found Taylor’s makeup bag and managed to get that violent look out of her eye, but that kind of scene is really telling when you consider it all happened because she forgot which bathroom she left her toiletry kit in.
Once they got Taylor lipglossed and down to dinner, Adrienne took one look at her and decided she was having a nervous breakdown. I’m not sure she or any of our other housewives are qualified to make that diagnosis, but I’m also not sure she wasn’t correct. The group talked more about loneliness and sadness and depression and all the things that Taylor needs to be talking about with a psychiatrist, by herself, away from her husband, until the private chef came out to explain the soup course. Thank god for the soup course with its sweet-n-salty pine nuts, y’all.
Back in Los Angeles, all of the Real Househusbands except Russell (thank god for no Russell) were smoking cigars and drinking and talking about the exact same things that the girls were talking about. Ken expressed regret that he had said anything bad about therapy to Taylor, and although that was nice to hear, it would have been nicer had he said it to her face. Mauricio, as usual, sat there looking like the best Real Househusband in the history of the show. Did he do something new to his hair? I dig it. Call me, Mauricio.
Back at the ski lodge, the ladies were still at dinner and still on the subject of Taylor’s marriage. Was Taylor actually in love with Russell, or was she just in love with not being alone? I mean, that’s deep, y’all. That’s not really dinner conversation, and not just because it’s not appropriate, but because it’s probably not great for a half dozen reality TV stars to try and put ideas about such important stuff in the head of someone who is clearly so bothered. Taylor looked skinny and vacant, and none of those women are qualified to fix her. Not even the Maloof lady. It was nice that they expressed so much concern and support, but it also made me a little uncomfortable.
Someone (again, probably the Maloof lady) snapped their fingers and took everyone back to California, where Camille was wandering the gardens of Versailles with one of her employee-friends and talking about how tough divorce is. And sure, Camille’s divorce from Kelsey was ugly and petty and very public, but Kelsey never took a swing on her and he left her with a huge estate and plenty of money. Not really the same situation that we now know Taylor was in, yes? But Camille doesn’t have any kind of plot this season so far, so I supposed they have to trot her out every now and then to talk about something.
After that, we accompanied Lisa and Ken to a space that Lisa wanted to buy to expand one of their restaurants. Ken wasn’t so sure, but Lisa was holding Giggy that day so she felt confident that her opinion was the right one. The space did look pretty cool, and it was right next to the restaurant, so…why not? I sort of just want her to do it so that we can have a storyline for the season other than Sad Taylor and Sad Kim and their Sad Lives. Lisa’s the most likely provider of fun in our cast, so go ahead, sweetie darling. Buy spaces, renovate things. Carry around that silly dog.
Speaking of a new storyline: Our next stop was to see Adrienne and Paul, who were headed up to Sacramento to see the last Kings game of the season and start to make some decisions about whether or not they should move the team to a different city. Paul was worried that the situation would be dangerous because fans know that the team might be moving and they’ll be mad and perhaps unruly if they see Adrienne going to or from the stadium, but Adrienne didn’t care because Adrienne is not prone to caring about anyone else’s opinions or ideas about what she should or should not do. Adrienne is a multimillionaire who wears tinsel hair extensions; does she look like she gives a damn what you think?
While Adrienne and Paul argued, Taylor was at home talking to her life coach and…well, let’s just stop there. Life coach? Are life coaches the new energists? Are all the Real Housewives going to have one now? Are they all going to be British? Wouldn’t it perhaps be better for Taylor to have a private therapist away from her couples therapist than for her to have some quacky “life coach?” Of course, I suppose that if Taylor actually had a good support system and was making good decisions, Bravo wouldn’t be nearly as interested in her, now would they? At this point, I’m surprised they haven’t signed her on for her own series to capitalize on the press attention. Let’s just hope that the life coach doesn’t make matters worse. For now, that would be progress.
Back in Maloofland, we found out that Kim was supposed to fly up to the game on a private jet with Adrienne and Paul. That seemed like a nice gesture, particularly since none of the cast members seem to be genuine friends with Kim, but it turned out predictably poorly. When Adrienne and Paul pulled up in a limo to board a private jet to fly to their NBA team’s season-closer (even writing that sentence made me feel poorer, like it cost me $20 to put it into words), they realized that Kim was nowhere to be found, which might actually be preferable to her showing up all sad and accidentally retro in a bedazzled track suit that someone once wore in a Jazzercise video.
Adrienne did the sensible thing and called Kim, who just kept screeching into the phone about how she didn’t know who it was and she couldn’t figure out who was calling her, and even when Adrienne and Paul successfully identified themselves, it cleared up exactly nothing. And I know that Kim is a sad panda and it’s mean to say things, but can we all just agree that she sounded like she was kinda totally wastey face? I feel like I’m stating the obvious here, and I really do feel bad for Kim in like a thousand different ways, but I know a drunk lady when I hear one, and Kim was a drunk lady. She was also going to be more than an hour late for the flight, but Adrienne seemed to be more or less cool with that. An interesting reaction, considering that she goes postal when Paul looks at her the wrong way.
Will Kim show up for the flight? Will she be wearing something that was purchased in this century? Will Taylor show up, still searching for her makeup bag, which keeps running away from her? You’ll have to tune in next week to find out.