So, again, apologies. Fashion Week chewed me up and spit me out. Fashion Week rode me hard and put me away wet. I’m still recovering, and the only things that seem to accurately explain what happened and why there was no Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap last week are cliches. I have no more original thoughts.

Well, I have a few more, but they’re mostly contained in the recap that follows, so I’ll leave you to encounter those later. As you might imagine, though, this episode wasn’t exactly full of laugh-y times, so the recap might be a little dour when compared to most others. I did what I could.

We started at the end of last week’s episode, where Taylor and Kyle were in the hot tub at Camille’s ski house in Aspen, having what was perhaps the most serious discussion to ever take place in a reality television hot tub. (Usually the only thing that takes place in those is herpes.) Before long, the serious conversation moved inside, where Taylor proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was kind of drunkypants (not that I blame her, for real) and immediately set her sights on Kim, who she woke up from a nap, cuddled up next to and proceeded to babble incoherently.

Kim knows all about incoherent (drunken, let’s be honest) babbling, so she and Taylor (and eventually Kyle) had an intense heart-to-heart that eventually turned into giggles and everyone calling themselves assholes, which was kind of refreshing and also felt like a nice resolution to a very dramatic beginning to the episode. If only I had known at that moment that it wasn’t any kind of resolution to anything, at all, period. It was just the first phase of the crying mess that was to follow.

The next few minutes are kind of a blur to me; despite the fact that I watch the episode twice and tried to pay particular attention to this segment, I’m still not entirely sure what happened or why. First Taylor somehow ended up pouting (but in a joking way!) while splayed out in Kyle’s suitcase in what looked like a closet. Then I blinked, and suddenly Taylor was perplexed about the location of her makeup bag, which lead quickly to tears. Then a blinked again, and Taylor was viciously angry that no one could find her makeup, and someone must have stolen it. Because all of these ladies are so desperately in need of a half-used MAC lipgloss.

It was more than a tad worrisome that Taylor was cycling through emotions so quickly, but when you mix an abusive husband, a dissolving marriage, a bunch of booze on an empty stomach, the extreme temperature change of a hot tub and some reality television cameras, you’re pretty much destined to get the kind of sad disaster that we had last night. A couple of the saner cast members found Taylor’s makeup bag and managed to get that violent look out of her eye, but that kind of scene is really telling when you consider it all happened because she forgot which bathroom she left her toiletry kit in.

Once they got Taylor lipglossed and down to dinner, Adrienne took one look at her and decided she was having a nervous breakdown. I’m not sure she or any of our other housewives are qualified to make that diagnosis, but I’m also not sure she wasn’t correct. The group talked more about loneliness and sadness and depression and all the things that Taylor needs to be talking about with a psychiatrist, by herself, away from her husband, until the private chef came out to explain the soup course. Thank god for the soup course with its sweet-n-salty pine nuts, y’all.

Back in Los Angeles, all of the Real Househusbands except Russell (thank god for no Russell) were smoking cigars and drinking and talking about the exact same things that the girls were talking about. Ken expressed regret that he had said anything bad about therapy to Taylor, and although that was nice to hear, it would have been nicer had he said it to her face. Mauricio, as usual, sat there looking like the best Real Househusband in the history of the show. Did he do something new to his hair? I dig it. Call me, Mauricio.

Back at the ski lodge, the ladies were still at dinner and still on the subject of Taylor’s marriage. Was Taylor actually in love with Russell, or was she just in love with not being alone? I mean, that’s deep, y’all. That’s not really dinner conversation, and not just because it’s not appropriate, but because it’s probably not great for a half dozen reality TV stars to try and put ideas about such important stuff in the head of someone who is clearly so bothered. Taylor looked skinny and vacant, and none of those women are qualified to fix her. Not even the Maloof lady. It was nice that they expressed so much concern and support, but it also made me a little uncomfortable.

Someone (again, probably the Maloof lady) snapped their fingers and took everyone back to California, where Camille was wandering the gardens of Versailles with one of her employee-friends and talking about how tough divorce is. And sure, Camille’s divorce from Kelsey was ugly and petty and very public, but Kelsey never took a swing on her and he left her with a huge estate and plenty of money. Not really the same situation that we now know Taylor was in, yes? But Camille doesn’t have any kind of plot this season so far, so I supposed they have to trot her out every now and then to talk about something.

After that, we accompanied Lisa and Ken to a space that Lisa wanted to buy to expand one of their restaurants. Ken wasn’t so sure, but Lisa was holding Giggy that day so she felt confident that her opinion was the right one. The space did look pretty cool, and it was right next to the restaurant, so…why not? I sort of just want her to do it so that we can have a storyline for the season other than Sad Taylor and Sad Kim and their Sad Lives. Lisa’s the most likely provider of fun in our cast, so go ahead, sweetie darling. Buy spaces, renovate things. Carry around that silly dog.

Speaking of a new storyline: Our next stop was to see Adrienne and Paul, who were headed up to Sacramento to see the last Kings game of the season and start to make some decisions about whether or not they should move the team to a different city. Paul was worried that the situation would be dangerous because fans know that the team might be moving and they’ll be mad and perhaps unruly if they see Adrienne going to or from the stadium, but Adrienne didn’t care because Adrienne is not prone to caring about anyone else’s opinions or ideas about what she should or should not do. Adrienne is a multimillionaire who wears tinsel hair extensions; does she look like she gives a damn what you think?

While Adrienne and Paul argued, Taylor was at home talking to her life coach and…well, let’s just stop there. Life coach? Are life coaches the new energists? Are all the Real Housewives going to have one now? Are they all going to be British? Wouldn’t it perhaps be better for Taylor to have a private therapist away from her couples therapist than for her to have some quacky “life coach?” Of course, I suppose that if Taylor actually had a good support system and was making good decisions, Bravo wouldn’t be nearly as interested in her, now would they? At this point, I’m surprised they haven’t signed her on for her own series to capitalize on the press attention. Let’s just hope that the life coach doesn’t make matters worse. For now, that would be progress.

Back in Maloofland, we found out that Kim was supposed to fly up to the game on a private jet with Adrienne and Paul. That seemed like a nice gesture, particularly since none of the cast members seem to be genuine friends with Kim, but it turned out predictably poorly. When Adrienne and Paul pulled up in a limo to board a private jet to fly to their NBA team’s season-closer (even writing that sentence made me feel poorer, like it cost me $20 to put it into words), they realized that Kim was nowhere to be found, which might actually be preferable to her showing up all sad and accidentally retro in a bedazzled track suit that someone once wore in a Jazzercise video.

Adrienne did the sensible thing and called Kim, who just kept screeching into the phone about how she didn’t know who it was and she couldn’t figure out who was calling her, and even when Adrienne and Paul successfully identified themselves, it cleared up exactly nothing. And I know that Kim is a sad panda and it’s mean to say things, but can we all just agree that she sounded like she was kinda totally wastey face? I feel like I’m stating the obvious here, and I really do feel bad for Kim in like a thousand different ways, but I know a drunk lady when I hear one, and Kim was a drunk lady. She was also going to be more than an hour late for the flight, but Adrienne seemed to be more or less cool with that. An interesting reaction, considering that she goes postal when Paul looks at her the wrong way.

Will Kim show up for the flight? Will she be wearing something that was purchased in this century? Will Taylor show up, still searching for her makeup bag, which keeps running away from her? You’ll have to tune in next week to find out.

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  • Carla

    I once almost had a nervous breakdown, but a friend helped me put lip gloss on so it turned out ok. Whew.

  • Stephanie

    ” Adrienne is a multimillionaire who wears tinsel hair extensions; does she look like she gives a damn what you think?”

    This could quite possibly be the best line ever. Bravo Amanda bravo!

    • Nancy from SB

      I was going to say the same exact same thing!!!
      Thanks for the laugh, Amanda.

  • Ashley

    I feel no sympathy for Taylor at all. I think that she’s a con artist, deliberately participated in shady business dealings, and is now playing the victim card.

  • Nancy

    I’m so glad you two said something, I’ve been holding my tongue. It really bothers me that people (on the show and in Amanda’s piece) talk about Russell beating her as if they know it to be fact. The fact is Taylor said it was so. Another fact is that Russell denied it was so. It’s as if since he’s not able to defend himself, people take it as the truth. We’ll never know the truth, so why continue on the narrative?

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      It’s almost impossible to prove most cases of domestic violence because they’re done privately and without witnesses, but Russell had multiple restraining orders and accusations of violence against him by multiple women, there is plenty of medical evidence (not to mention photos) that Taylor took a closed fist to the eye, and there’s lots of documentation that he was a controlling, distrustful spouse. You don’t get any closer to proof without an eye witness, and that’s extremely rare in these cases.

      Taylor can still be a shitty person or a grifter and be abused. Russell’s untimely death doesn’t mean he was a good person while he lived.

      It’s important to talk about domestic violence because people are so ashamed and afraid of the subject, and it’s important that we call it that when we see it. I’m generally less prone to jump to conclusions or believe wild rumors about these shows than the average viewer, just based on the comments I sometimes get here asking me why I haven’t latched on to whatever the latest gossip is about someone, but this seems to go far beyond gossip.

      • Hope

        I completely agree with you regarding Taylor and the physical abuse. Some of the commenters on blogs are actually saying that she may have provoked Russell and “deserved” to be hit. Strangely, women seem to be the most negative and vitriolic on these posts. Again, she may be a terrible person, but no one deserves to be abused. As humans, we are taught from a very early age that “hands are not for hitting” – just ask any two years old.

      • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

        I think your observations are accurate, and I think it’s sad that it’s often women who get so vitriolic toward abuse victims. Sociologically, it’s called the Fundamental Attribution Error – people are more likely to blame negative events on personal or character flaws when they happen to others, but on external circumstances when something bad happens to them. It’s a coping mechanism that helps people convince themselves that they’ll never be in that situation because they aren’t bad people, and if they do find themselves in a bad situation, that it’s not their own fault. It’s extremely common, and especially common when talking about the victims of rape or domestic violence.

        Nasty, mean people can still be abused, and it’s still wrong when it happens to them. Being a liar or grifter doesn’t mean you’re suddenly unable to be the victim of an unrelated crime, and it doesn’t excuse someone committing that crime against you. It’s possible to dislike Taylor for her faults and still acknowledge that, in all likelihood, her husband assaulted her on at least one occasion. Those two things don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

  • CTA

    On another note and not that it really matters… But they were in Beaver Creek, not Aspen… Just had to clear that unimportant detail up!

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      In my head, it’s all Aspen.

  • Jamie

    I agree with you, Amanda that despite what one thinks of Taylor as a person ( I personally do not like what I see of her on this show), no one deserves to be abused, and it does appear that there was some sort of abuse occurring in their household.

    One question however: why is it OK for Taylor to self-medicate with alcohol, to the point of behaving erratically and irrationally, yet when Kim is seemingly intoxicated (we don’t really know because all we were given was a few snippets of a phone call) she’s the “drunk lady” we should all pity and admonish? Perhaps a double standard? Perhaps both women need to get some help for their substance “habits”?

    Another issue – Mauricio came down hard on Kim for saying mean things about him. When they replayed the tape, it was all Kyle spewing mean things to Kim. On camera. Kim was defending herself. She may need rehab, but Mauricio needs to take a good look at his wife’s behavior too. I still love him though (and he’s nice to look at!!)

    That is all,
    Jamie

  • Blaine

    Soooo … here’s the thing. Kim may be a wastey-face & a drunkey-buns & every other slur we can load on. But here’s what you can’t say: that she kicked Taylor out of bed – which, I can assure you, I would have done, drunk OR sober, after the way Taylor treated Kim last season. When Taylor was at her lowest point, Kim had her back, and so did Kyle. No one had Kim’s back last season as far as I’m concerned.

    And Kim may suffer from a disease just as debilitating as Taylor, but Kim’s disease we can poke fun at; it’s not quite PC yet to make light at Taylor’s problems of choosing to go back to a man she said abused her.

    Sorry, I find it really morally reprehensible and indefensible that Taylor uses every opportunity to launch on Kim’s weaknesses, but expects sympathy when she crawls into bed with Kim at her lowest point.

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      I have every appropriate sympathy for both Kim and Taylor and I think I made fun of them both in this recap. But I didn’t poke too much fun at Kim back when she had her breakdown last season, and this was Taylor’s episode to do that. I’ve made plenty of fun of her at other times. Not everyone is going to get both barrels for every episode; it always varies depending on the content.

      I think Kim is a much better, nicer, more genuine person than Taylor. In fact, I think Taylor’s probably fairly despicable, if not an outright con artist. If I were Kim, I would have kicked her out of bed. But Kim’s probably a nicer person than I am, too.

    • Manuela

      Thanks for posting, Blaine. You just voiced what’s been burning in my stomach about the Kim/Taylor dynamic since last season.

      Taylor appears to me to use Kim in two different ways as Kim is the girl ‘lower down on the totem pole’ in the clique. When Taylor is ‘on top’, sober, riding high on whatever delusions she has about herself, she dumps on Kim relentlessly. I’m sickened by it. I was especially frustrated when Taylor asked Kim snidely and hatefully to ‘keep the name of her [Taylor's] charity out of her mouth’ in last year’s reunion. Like Kim was too lowly and unworthy to speak that charity’s name. Wow.

      Then Taylor crawls to Kim and wants to be petted when she’s a little loaded and feeling blue. W.T.F. And Kim is in the moment…drops resentments and offers comfort, and acts like a human.

      Drunk or sober, actively recovering or otherwise, Kim is TWICE the woman and human being that Taylor could aspire to be. I’ll teach her to put on eyeshadow, if she asks me! I’ll even put on a matching track suit and we’ll dance around to 80′s tunes. I’m a Kim fan from now on.

      • Blaine

        Oh if only would teach ME how to put on eyeshadow! The difference between Kim and Taylor is, everything wrong with Kim can be fixed.

  • Maryann

    Taylor seems to have a real mean spirit about her. She was awful to Kim last season when she picked a fight with her at her party. And then there was whoop-ass remark (can’t remember if that was Kim she said that to) ……I think those incidents show the “real” Taylor. I cannot stand her.

    As always, thanks for a great recap, Amanda. You are wise beyond your years.

  • willbuy

    Great recap as usual. This would be my favorite show if they would just drop Taylor. I’m tired of watching her constant crying and complaining. I feel bad for her daughter who will see all this at some time in the future. The show is getting too depressing. They should have edited out more of the Taylor story in my opinion.I love Lisa, Adrienne, Kyle and even Camille storylines.

    • Blaine

      Yes. Kim needs to go straighten her life out and find a direction, and Taylor needs to leave to go take care of her daughter. She doesn’t need to be going on Entertainment Tonight and promoting herself as some victim’s rights advocate – it’s too soon, & smacks of self-aggrandizement of the worst sort.

      I could use a lot more Lisa and Ken!!

  • stilettolife

    I’m confused why exactly does Kim needs to straighten her life out and find a direction? Is it because she chosed to drink or get drunk? Who cares, what Kim or anyone does with their own life? For all we know, she may be a business extradionaire just awaiting the appropiate time of revealing her business venture. I say lets give the poor woman a freakin break.

  • JenG

    I was and still am a Kim fan. I felt terrible for her last year when Kyle made hateful comments to her. And Kim was left out last year while Kyle and her crew were together. I could never leave my sister out and humiliate her on television. Taylor: didn’t like her last year and don’t like her this year, but I do feel bad for her. She is in need of some help.

  • Ryan McCormic

    Totally agree!

    http://www.realtor.com

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