I mean. You guys. I just…I want to break into song right now. I want to find Andy Cohen in New York City this weekend and give him a big bear hug and perhaps a few cheek-kisses for making Real Housewives of Beverly Hills a part of my life. I want to buy him dinner. Even dessert! I’d spring for dessert.
As I had suspected (read: hoped against all hope), Real Housewives of Beverly Hill is indeed the apotheosis of everything that is Real Housewives. These women already come from a culture that encourages plastic surgery, shameless famewhoring and conspicuous consumption with the kind of reckless abandon that usually only comes after a cast settles into their new proto-celebrity roles. Our Beverly Hills ladies were already Real Housewives, we just didn’t know it yet.
First, let’s meet the cast members:
Lisa: Lisa’s last name is Vanderpump, which sounds like a made-up porn name, although she appears to be serious about it. She and her husband Ken, both British expats, have been married for the better part of three decades and have owned dozens of restaurants and bars in several different countires. She has two grown children, many tiny dogs and a live-in gay houseboy named Cedric who is incredibly hot. His cut-in interviews included a button-down shirt open nearly to his navel.
Adrienne: Adrienne’s last name is Maloof, which is far more serious than VanderPump. The Maloofs own the Sacramento Kings, the Palms casino in Las Vegas, a record label and a big skateboarding tournament. Unlike Housewives in other cities, she is very clearly rich. Her husband, Paul, is not a Maloof (but is a plastic surgeon, natch) – she kept her maiden name and did not marry into her wealth, she was born into it (if that makes a difference to you). She body-slammed a child in her introduction, and I’m not sure if he was her child or a random child that she bought for self-defense training, although I think it was the latter. I also think that I might love her.
Camille: Camille’s last name is Grammer, as in Kelsey, as in Frasier, although they’re getting divorced now (but not as of this episode – that’ll come later). She has two kids and four nannies, and the explanation of that whole situation went down exactly as you would expect. She seemed to be principally concerned with ensuring that we knew she used to be a Club MTV dancer, although she did not mention the Playboy stint for which she is probably best known.
Taylor: Her last name is Armstrong, which does not have any meaning to me. She’s from Oklahoma originally and found herself making her television debut in the office of Adrienne’s plastic surgeon husband, getting facial fillers. Her husband is a venture capitalist and she calls herself a “management consultant” and wants to hang on to her business experience, in the event that her husband eventually divorces her for someone younger. Smarter than she looks, that one.
Kim: Her last name is Richards, but her sister’s last name is now Hilton (as in Paris’s mom), and that’s what you need to know. She’s divorced with four kids and was a Disney child star many moons ago, and she believes it when paparazzi tell her that she’s an icon (don’t believe the paps, they’re flatterers). Kim was mostly packing boxes and looking for a new house during her introduction because of her divorce, which will necessitate a move to a smaller home. Unfortunately, she also wants a new baby because babies make houses happy, which is perhaps not the best reason to have a fifth child. I think she has the potential to be the sad Jeanna character for Beverly Hills.
Kyle: Kyle is Kim’s sister and apparently also the handbag lover of the cast. She was also a child actress (she appeared in the originally “Halloween”) and like her sister, seems to have additional children in order to satisfy other emotional needs. But hey, if you’re rich, have a bunch of kids! Have as many as you want if you can make sure they’re taken care of. Her husband deals with real estate and she’s a hypochondriac, although somewhat charmingly so.
Anyway, on to the plot!
Adrienne invited all of the other cast members to see the last Sacramento Kings game of the season, and she flew ‘em all up to Northern California by private jet. Camille seemed a bit irritated to be flying private because it reminded her that she and Kelsey fly commercial more often than private lately, and Kyle seemed irritated because she’s scared to death of flying in general (and also, everything else). I don’t love to fly, but if I were on a private jet with free booze, I might shut up about it and just deal.
Perhaps my favorite part of the flight was Lisa’s little dog, a tiny teacup something or other who wore a sweater, sat on a pillow, and could probably buy and sell me without batting a little doggie eyelash. The dog needs his own show. I respect his power.
When the ladies arrived in Sacramento, they were taken directly from the tarmac to a restaurant by stretch Hummer limo. Once at lunch, Kyle did a nearly flawless English accent while impersonating Lisa, Camille told her to “cover her rat” which I still don’t entirely understand (I think I know what she was talking about, but it wasn’t showing…), and then, for no reason, she told us that Kelsey didn’t wear underwear while he filmed Frasier…awesome. Now I can’t watch Frasier reruns in the middle of the night anymore without that visual…
Kim social status update: she has no friends.
Once at the game, everyone sat courtside and Kyle proceeded to cheer for the Lakers, which I can oddly respect – I’m a Georgia fan, and I couldn’t cheer for Florida even if I were sitting in the University of Florida President’s box, you know? Although for a private plane ride, I might be able to at least keep my mouth shut and feel silently smug. But Kyle doesn’t seem very big on self-control, so.
Kim social status update: she still has no friends.
Back in Southern California, Kim and Kyle got together to have some real talk about the fact that Kim might not be able to find the perfect house for the prefect price and that she needs to reevaluate her approach to making friends. Kim was upset that Taylor wasn’t friendly enough at the basketball game, but really, Kim actually just seemed upset that her life was changing, her marriage had ended, and moving in general totally blows. Those are certainly things worth being upset over, and who can you take that frustration out on if not your sister? With gorgeous, long Demi Moore hair like Kyle has, I’d be taking everything out on her.
As with all series premieres, this episode was more about introducing the ladies than advancing any sort of plot. Be that as it may, this was still the best hour of Real Housewives since New York’s Scary Island episodes, and I might have liked it even more. Ladies, this is going to be good. Also, feel free to discuss the Real Housewives of DC reunion in the comments if you’d like – I wish I had been able to recap them both, but sadly, a new series wins out of a reunion. And my, my, my, what a reunion it was…