Last night’s installment of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was perhaps the most normal episode we’ve had in a month, but when you compare it to what has come before, that really only means that I did’t have some sort of rage blackout at any time during the episode. How novel!

There were some cringe-worthy moments, of course, including Kim’s random date with a guy from the grocery store, wherein she lied and pretended to have a brand new baby the entire time. But mostly things kept themselves on an even keel, with Lisa doing donuts in her Bentley and Taylor finally leveling with us about what she actually does in her free time, other than put up with her Dexter villain of a husband. I really shouldn’t joke, because it was sad, but I’m one of those people who makes inappropriate jokes when I’m uncomfortable. But I bet you guys probably could have guessed that.

We started with Kyle last night, who was training for a 69-mile (yes, that many, I promise) bike race that she’d do with her husband in Napa. 69 miles is a long way. That’s the distance between my hometown and where I went to college, more or less. That takes an hour and a half in a car, even with my lead foot. Kyle was practicing with her female trainer when the trainer told her that she should get a bikini wax for the race, and I’m still not sure why that would make a difference. Obviously she’s not a professional competitor, and I can’t imagine that it would be an issue of aerodynamics, so…why? Any cyclists care to enlighten us?

Perhaps Kyle should have asked for a second opinion, but she didn’t, so she became our first Beverly Hills housewife to get a bikini wax on camera. The camera stayed up by her head, but still. Leg up in the air. I don’t need to see that. Not even on cable. Her daughter also didn’t need to see that, although she did, apparently from a far different angle. I love my mom for a lot of reasons, but today, it’s mostly because I’ve never seen her get a bikini wax.

Over at Adrienne’s house, other kind of pain was being inflicted – this time, though, it would be the Housewives doing the inflicting. Adrienne had invited Taylor over to take some kickboxing lessons with her hot kickboxing trainer, who would make me very nervous if she was my wife. We found out that Taylor volunteers with a domestic violence crisis center, an organization about which she seems totally sincere and devoted. Finally, Taylor does something besides pack her husband’s suitcases and plan parties. She actually has an activity. I couldn’t help but be a little excited for her, even before we learned more about her childhood later in the episode.

In slightly less serious matters, Lisa and Cedric had to get their American driver’s licenses, so they went to practice driving maneuvers together. And by “practice,” I mean Lisa wanted to go turn some donuts in a parking lot in her drop-top Bentley and then knock the housegay out of the car and pretend to leave him there. Ken wanted Cedric to move out, but without him, Lisa wouldn’t have a playmate. I’d like to volunteer to take his place and ride shotgun in the Bentley with Lisa. I wouldn’t even have to move in, really. Unless Lisa wanted me to. Because I totally would if you wanted me to, Lisa. Just say the words. I have a suitcase. I can be packed quickly. I would promise to be quiet and not eat much, but I think we all know that neither of those things is true.

We couldn’t spend the entire episode tooling around Beverly Hills with Lisa and Cedric, though, because that would have been too much fun and it would have made me too happy. Next up was lunch with Kim and Kyle, where Kyle complained about her missing housekeeper and then insulted Kim for daring to suggest that a reasonable solution to her immediate childcare problem would be just to take the kids with her when she and Mauricio go to Napa for that bike race. I couldn’t care less about their bickering because that’s just what siblings do sometimes, so thankfully, Lisa called and moved the plot along via speakerphone.

Lisa wanted to talk about Martin – the guy from the last episode, remember him? – and why Kim hadn’t called him to thank him for driving her drunk, inappropriately dressed ass home from the party, but Kim seemed unimpressed. She said that she liked Martin but expected him to call her, and really, I’m sick of that kind of stuff. I have such problems with those rules in real life that I can’t blame Kim OR Lisa for having conflicting opinions about them, because they suck. They suck a lot, and there are so many expectations and variations and little details that might make you think one way or the other about who should be the person to call, when really, it shouldn’t be this stupid and hard and we’re all adults, right? RIGHT? And no, this is not about any specific predicament I may find myself in right now, why do you ask?!

Moving on.

At Camille’s house, all of her payroll “friends,” plus that Nick dude that she’s obviously screwing, got together to be paid to have dinner with her and listen to her complain yet again about how awfully Kyle treated her and about how she’s never been treated so poorly in her entire life. Still, St. Camille found it within herself to propose that all the girls get together and try to be friends again, because it’s clearly so important to her that she takes the high road and continues to play the role of the sainted victim for as long as her employees are willing to put up with that line of bullshit. We’ll get to see the dinner, which apparently does not go well, next week. Interestingly, we also got the first inklings of Camille’s upcoming divorce – Kelsey wants to move to New York full-time, where he feels “appreciated.”

Meanwhile, at Kim’s house, Kim was throwing a barbecue for her kids and their friends and recounting a truly odd story of meeting a random guy at the grocery store over a pile of raw chicken that they both wanted to buy. Now, I’m not one to judge – I once went on a date with a guy who I met at a Halloween party where he was dressed as a wrestler, and he actually turned out to be a total sweetheart who I dated for quite a while. When that happened, though, I was 21 years old. I was not a mom of six or so children (seriously, how many did Kim’s daughter list?), at least one of whom likes to interrupt and has a history of throwing sandwiches at my dates.

That didn’t stop the Supermarket Suitor from showing up at the barbecue, though, but he didn’t stay for long. Kim acted like the total crazyperson that we all know her to be by grabbing a random infant and telling him that she was her baby, she was still breastfeeding, and she hates the kid’s father, who calls all the time. I didn’t notice Kim every telling the poor guy, who had brought his little granddaughter, that the kid wasn’t actually hers, and appropriately, he got out of there as quickly as he could. It’s amazing that a woman that nuts actually found so many men to father children with her.

The next we saw Kyle, she and Mauricio had made it to Napa without the kids and they were acting like the perfect couple that we all want to be when we grow up. (Don’t you even tell me that I already am grown up, I refuse to believe it.) Even when they have conflicts over how long they’ll stay away from the kids or whether or not they should have another kid, they still talk to each other like human beings and work things out. That shouldn’t be novel, but when you think about it…it sort of is. Right? Or maybe reality TV has just beaten the last bits of romantic optimism out of me, if I even had any left. (Unlikely!)

Kyle and Mauricio then did a 60-something mile bike ride together, supporting and encouraging each other the entire way. Afterward, they told each other how special it was and what fun they had and they probably cuddled once the cameras left. I was jealous. I am jealous. With the exceptions of Russell and Kelsey, the Beverly Hills husbands are the best of the entire Housewives universe. By far. I want a Mauricio one day, with a little Paul mixed in because sometimes I’m not very pleasant and I need someone who can take that. Self-awareness is important, folks.

Next, Lisa had to go to the DMV to take her written driving test and she complained about having to sit there among the Little People (and I don’t mean preternaturally short people, I mean people who are not millionaires and probably shop at Wal-Mart), which would have been a tad annoying if a completely insane man hadn’t started hitting on her as soon as she sat down. In that context, it just seemed totally and completely accurate, which I think is sort of why we all love Lisa – even when she’s a snob, she’s right. She passed her test while looking impossibly well-dress, but Cedric failed his. He is clearly not ready to leave the gay houseboy nest, and I think that maybe that’s not as much of a problem as Lisa wants to tell herself it is. She needs a sidekick. She’s that awesome.

In preparation for the episode’s final event, Taylor met up with the director of the domestic violence charity with which she works, who wanted Taylor to walk the red carpet at the charity poker tournament they were holding and then say a few words after everyone got settled. In the context of these requests, Taylor let us all in on some painful memories from her apparently abusive childhood, and it sounded painful enough that it made me honestly feel a little crummy over all the snark I’ve sent her way. Yeah, Taylor has some issues, but I think that at the very least, knowing that she had a rough time of it as a kid puts the birthday party from a few weeks ago in a somewhat less ridiculous light.

It was then the day of the fundraiser, and on the way, Russell couldn’t help but find something to criticize. This time it was the date of the event, which I’m fairly sure Taylor didn’t pick, but that didn’t stop him from admonishing her for the bad timing. Mostly, though, the turnout seemed fine. Plenty of people showed up to gamble for charity, including Adrienne, who just keeps putting ridiculous things on her head that make me like her even more. First glittery hair extensions, now a bright blue cowboy hat that matched her shirt perfectly. The event had a western theme, but even if it hadn’t, the outfit wouldn’t have been terribly surprising.

As it turned out, Adrienne’s cowboy hat was lucky, despite the fact that she’s only played poker a few times in her life. (She’s not allowed to play at her own casino!) She was winning games and stacking chips, but then the event ground to a halt for Taylor to get up and thank everyone for coming. And it was sad! Maybe I’m just extra hormonal right now or something (Scratch that, I know I am), but Taylor’s emotional speech and her subsequent one-on-one left me on the verge of tears. First Gossip Girl, now Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – why’s everyone gotta be harshing my mellow lately?

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • PhotoGirl

    You know, there are some incredibly depressing stats out there about how girls who grow up with abuse tend to choose abusive partners later in life. When Taylor told her story, I began to think about how she and Russell and Cynthia (from RHOA) and Peter make some kind of disturbing sense as couples in that context. I feel sad for both of them, although I do continue to find Taylor annoying. As for the bikini wax scene goes: no words. It’s probably a good thing that Kyle’s parents aren’t around to witness THAT on tv!

    PS: What rules? Who says you can’t call the guy? Or wear biker boots with lace for that matter? ;) Just sayin’. . .

    • Yeah, knowing that Taylor and Cynthia have abusive backgrounds really does put their relationships in a much more serious light. Peter doesn’t bother me as much as Russell does, but Russell seems like a genuinely nasty piece of work.

      I will continue to think about bad relationships all day in order to distract myself from the perils of singledom and prevent myself from turning into Bridget Jones. And I just might wear those boots with the lace dress, despite the fact that literally everyone on Twitter except you told me not to.

      • Kim

        I seem to remember when Taylor was throwing her daughters birthday her mentioning that her dad got her lavish gifts every year from a very young age. She made her childhood sound so normal so I was a little surprised by her story of being abused.

  • RedHead

    First: Does anyone else notice Camille’s wonky left eye?? Is it just me???

    Now I think I understand Taylor much better. Aren’t there some compelling studies that show that those who have grown up in abusive households end up marrying into one too? I get it now and genuinely feel sorry for her.

    How awesome is Kyle and that biking for the cancer charity effort? I really admire how hard she had to work to do that. (And despite all that sweat STILL her hair was beautiful.)

    Kim is just weird. Period. I can’t watch her anymore.

    Adrienne, if you don’t want Paul I will take him off your hands. He is my favorite “Housewife” husband of all time:-)

    Raise your hand if you think that Lisa, Cedric and Giggy should have their own show.

    Amanda…Thank you for your funny awesome blog. I used to log on to check out the bags (sigh…the bags) but now am just obsessed with your RH recaps.

  • Ruthie

    Someone please educate me. What is it about Russell that makes him a “nasty piece of work”? I find him very lackluster, but other than that he hasn’t really bothered me.

    • I just get a really cold, calculating vibe from him, and the little ways that he puts down his wife bother me. It’s one thing to argue, but he has seemed belittling from time to time, something I really don’t have patience for in men.

      But that’s just my perception, he may be a great dude in real life. Who knows.

      • Ellen

        Also, he smirks and looks at her sideways whenever he delivers his criticisms. It’s creepy. Like he is trying to get a response. Very passive-aggressive in my opinion.

    • RedHead

      During this season Russell has exhibited numerous passive aggressive behaviors (ie. buying SnowBall), condescending behaviors (ie. “How is your little business?”), numerous snide comments (like the one in the car on the way to her charity event about choosing a better night), and overall rudeness (ie. dragging her out of the party w/her friends in Vegas) to Taylor. If not a nasty piece of work he is at the very least a bully. To Taylor. **I never notice him acting the same to anyone else he interacts with on the show.

  • suz

    Did anywone else notice, Nick swilling down the red wine when Camille started rehashing the same old Kyle “slight” at the dinner party of “friends”? He and his wife must be getting paid a lot of money to put up with than crazy, annoying…and yes…very dull woman. Don’t quite understand why anyone would want to see a bikini wax (eeew)…but kudos to Kyle for that awesome bike ride! She actually DID something for a charity…instead of sitting at a luncheon and discussing it. And…what was the Kim bit with the stranger from the grocery store. I guess she really is as “wacky” as her troubled eyes indicate. Once again, thanks Amanda for making Friday so amusing.

    • JenG

      Russell is controlling. I believe Taylor married him for money. Money will buy you material things you want in life, but it will not fill emptiness.

  • bjf

    Another great recap!!! I too have more compassion for Taylor. She seems to be in a loveless marriage and finds money as security.

    Camille…. what can you say…..Karma sucks!!!! Sometimes it turns around and bites you in the butt! Plus…where is Nick’s wife all the time? Maybe she can’t stand to be around when Camille is constantly fondling him and breaks out sweating just sitting next to him. It makes me sick to my stomach just watching them together.

    Can’t wait for next week it looks like we are gonna have another dinner to remember!!!

    • dawn

      Hmmm I have to disagree about Russell. Hasn’t anyone noticed that he keeps asking for advice from the couples with the closest relationships? I think he wants that, but is uncomfortable and too shy to act on it.
      As for Taylor I am still upset she is playing Miss Innocence after throwing her friends under the bus when the was left alone in the Hotel room with Camille in NYC. Not only did it make Camille feel worse, but made it look as if what was said was of malitious intent which it was not.
      I don’t trust her with the puppy issue either. She might be causing it just so she doesn’t have to be bothered by attending to a dog she never wanted. Sorry…I just call em’ as I see them.

      • dawn

        sorry I missed another point. I have two Maltese and they are one of the dogs that have no dander, considered hypoallergenic so this is why I have my doubts.

  • Lisa in Oregon

    Okay – this may be a long shot, but does anyone else think Russell could have Asperger’s Syndrome? Difficulty in social situations, lack of empathy, etc. I wonder if he has some kind of undiagnosed disorder? I get the feeling that he isn’t really aware of how he comes off. Just a thought…

    • RedHead

      Hi Lisa…Gosh…I don’t know…

      He is nice to his daughter Kennedy and the others on the RHOBH. He just can’t seem to show Taylor the same courtesy. I would guess that if he has Asperger’s he would treat all people in the same manner he treats his wife. (**But that is just a guess as I am certainly no medical expert at all!)

      • Lisa in Oregon

        Good point. :)

    • Priscilla

      You bring up an interesting point, but my gut tells me no way he has that disorder. I know someone personally who has it, and this guy is very sweet and shows much more kindness than the majority of people I know with no such disorder. That Russell guy just seems to have major mean-syndrome! Like when he was talking like he was willing to have their daughter put up with terrible allergies in order to keep a dog HE bought for her in order for her to like him more. That’s just my opinion.

  • Morgan

    I went to Bravo.com to look at scenes from next week’s episode (I know, I’m obsessed/bored because my kids are at school) and there will be some drama!

  • Jamie

    So the bikini wax is to prevent chafing. When you ride a long distance in bike shorts on a tiny bike seat, there is movement and then friction. Removing the hair cuts down on that.

    I know Kim seems a little nutty, but I think the editing of her grocery guy date was not fair to her. I think she has an odd sense of humor and it seemed that she was just running with a joke started by her daughter on the phone. When the guy was leaving, he asked her to join him and his granddaughter for ice cream. She declined. I think she is a little goofy, but I always like to observe how others are reacting to her – the kids seem pretty well adjusted and not horrified by her behavior. Even more compelling – the friends of her children were joining in on the joke and did not seem shocked at her behavior at all.

    Maybe I have been watching too many of these, but it seems like the editing for drama’s sake is getting more and more noticeable.

    • S

      I agree with you about Kim. She seems strange, but I think that has a lot to do with editing. It actually annoyed me when Bravo spliced Taylor’s party with Kyle’s party. Bravo clearly favors Kyle. I always think that the producers/editors have a favorite that they want the audience to love. In NY, it was Bethenny. For me, if Taylor has money I really don’t care what she does for her daughter’s birthday. And what Kyle spent a few thousand less? That’s supposed to be appropriate? Who decides this stuff? Its their money.

      • S

        Last comment. Lisa’s culture shock comment really rubbed me the wrong way. Who does she think watches her show? Its not all BH socialites. I like her, but not cool. Not even if a strange man hits on you. That can happen to anyone – anywhere. Okay now I’m done

  • deka

    napa – that was killing me

    • Ha, you’re right. Nappa is the leather, which is what I have to write 90% of the time around here. Both ways look wrong to me.

  • S

    Amanda I was working out and I suddenly remembered that I didn’t read your recap today :) I’m glad I remembered. Taylor certainly seems like she has some self-esteem issues from her childhood and hasn’t really dealt with them even as an adult. For example when she said, “I don’t know if I deserve that” to Kyle. She reminded me of one of my friends who has gone through some abuse as a child – she’s always questioning what she is entitled to in her life. Its really sad and hard to watch someone not know their own worth and sort of accept abuse as a result. I hope Russel isn’t as terrible as people seem to think. He seems to really care for his daughter and I got the feeling that he didn’t understand the severity oh his daughter’s allergies. I think he thought Taylor just wanted to get rid of the dog.

  • harmony

    I enjoy this show so much! Taylor just seems so desperate for love and security that she married Russel. I don’t think they like each other at all, his attitude toward her is very annoyed.
    I used to really like Lisa, but read somewhere that she was trying to get Kim kicked off the next season for drinking problems, etc… I like Kim, and feel she has had a hard life. Maybe she is a bit wacky, but it she was having fun. Kyle is very blunt, and rude. I work really hard to get my children to be kind to each other because I don’t want them to grow up and turn into “that.”
    And Adrienne, is awesome. I loved how secure she is within herself, and hope Taylor can learn a lot from her.
    As for Camille…blah! I don’t really not like her, but can’t stand her either. She is the epitome of manipulative. In next weeks episode I know she is setting Kyle up to parade her out of control emotions for all her “friends” to see, and Kyle won’t be able to stop herself!
    I can’t wait!!!

  • Danieli

    Camille needs to go away, all I can say is “Spank me Mommy, Spank me” wondering when the alleged sex tapes with her and Kelsey will hit the internet! I know he is creepy….but R E A L L Y!!!!!

  • Carla

    I found it interesting that, during Taylor’s speech, Paul was getting a little misty while Russell was stone cold.

    Paul is so sweet. Everyone should have a Paul.

  • Lorie

    I wonder what Adrienne named her dog?

    Also, could someone clear this up for me? Did Camille and Kelsey use a surrogate because Camille couldn’t get pregnant or because she just didn’t want to?

    • Leslie

      I believe I read once that Camille has IBS and that was the reason she did not carry her own children. But there has been no real mention on RHOBH on why she didn’t carry them…but I know plenty of folks with IBS that have children…so I am calling BS on that…I just don’t this that Camille wanted to take that toll on her body.

  • ali

    Sorry, I might be way behind everyone else here, but I had no idea that Kelsey Grammar has a track record of marrying and impregnating and cheating on crazy ladies. I thought Camille was the craziest, but his second wife, a stripper (not that there’s anything wrong with that), apparently tried to shoot him among other things. Either he marries them crazy or turns them crazy, but he’s got enough of a reputation by now that should be some kind of a deterrent for his future baby-mamas. Also, I had no idea he’s a right-winger (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and wants to run for office. I would never have expected to say this, but I do feel a tiny bit sorry for Camille.

  • LizzieC

    I think Kelsey Grammar is genius for having Camille do this show. He knew that she would come off looking so horrible that no matter what he did, her awfulness would overshadow it. His plan worked.

    Honestly, I think they are both miserable and deserve each other.

    • Leslie

      I think you hit the nail right on the head. She comes off looking HORRIBLE…and if he didn’t plan it, he got one lucky break.

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  • CL

    at first, i thought the guy talking to her was her husband pretending not to know her! (ipad)

  • Smith

    adrienne’s extensions are cringe-worthy (ipad)

  • ninjaninja

    The waxing scene was kinda gross because she did with her daughter (ipad)

  • SHERRY

    i love this show (ipad)

  • SHERRY

    great episode (ipad)

  • Cindy

    Commenting for the (ipad)

  • Jen

    It’s probably just me but when I look at the woman in that picture, I think Michael Jackson (ipad)

  • Alison J.

    Total nutsos … (ipad)

  • Lara

    can’t wait for this series to come to Canada! (ipad)

  • helen

    The woman in the picture looks like she’s had it. (ipad)

  • Emma G

    Love this show (ipad)

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