At some point before the end of the season, an episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is going to take place entirely in Beverly Hills, right? I mean, I feel like it has to, but then again, I’ve never been to Beverly Hills. Is there not anything to do there except shop? Or are the California ladies just so rich that they might as well fly around and do whatever they please? At this point, we might as well call them the Real Housewives of the United States of America.
Last night, everyone except for Adrienne jetted off to New York City to see the opening of Kelsey’s play, and although the play itself didn’t actually happen last night, some other stuff did that was at least adequately entertaining. And, as always, Bravo made us wait until the last minute to see the promised fight.
We started with Lisa, whose gay houseboy Cedric is still…there. He still lives there, and he shall never leave, no matter what Lisa tells herself. If you lived there, would you ever move out? I wouldn’t. I’d spend my days dressing Giggy up in silly outfits and drinking tea and gossiping with Lisa about the other housewives forever. Who needs a husband when you have a Real Housewife? Cedric’s not just a houseguest, though, he’s also a sort-of employee. He helps Lisa with her duties at the restaurants, including (but not limited to) arranging giant flower arrangements. Lisa’s so proud of his progress at work that she thinks that might be able to live on his own like a normal person one day. Just not if he has any say in the matter.
Over in Camille’s corner of the world, she was still hanging out and gossiping with that hot Nick dude with whom she, ahem, “plays sports.” Lots and lots of vigorous, physical, sweaty sports. He’s the one who showed up in Vegas and got a little handsy for the cameras. Remember him? Well, apparently he had yet to hear Camille’s sob story about the snarky comment that Kyle may or may not have made like eight episodes ago, which Camille is still upset about, even though Lisa was present for the conversation and said she didn’t think it was a big deal. Camille rejects your version of reality and substitutes her own.
At Taylor’s house, Kyle came to visit and we were formally introduced to Snowball the Unwanted Puppy. Luckily for Taylor, she got to shove the dog at the nanny and run off to shop for dresses with Kyle, which, as best as I can tell, is more or less what she does every day. Clearly the dog is such a burden. They went to Petro Zillia to get dresses for their trip to New York City to see Kelsey open La Cage aux Folles on Broadway, and there’s really not anything else to say about that. Watching people shopping isn’t all that fun, really.
Kim and Adrienne ended up at a different (but similarly decorated) boutique doing the same thing, which just goes to prove that no matter how many dresses you already have, you still need a new dress for an event. Things were going fine with all the shopping, but then Adrienne got a phone call of the seriously sad variety – her uncle had passed away. She went into that sort of wide-eyed shock that hits you when you’ve received news so bad and so sudden that you process it intellectually before your emotions have the opportunity to catch up, and understandably, she ditched her shopping trip and went home right away. Because of the sudden family emergency, Adrienne wouldn’t be able to accompany the group to New York City to see Kelsey’s play.
Before the rest of the group could leave, though, Lisa had to do something about the flying anxieties that Kyle had on previous trips. Instead of just throwing a couple of extra Xanax her way (Oh come on, you know that at least one of these ladies is packing a prescription. I’d check Taylor for extra drugs first.), Lisa hired a hypnotherapist to come to Kyle’s house and hypnotize the fear of flying straight out of her. He stuck some weird thing to Kyle’s forehead and measured her brain waves (I’m pretty sure you can’t do that with an electrode and a laptop), and then the breathing exercises and hand movements started.
I’ve never been hypnotized, although I know people who claim that it works, so I hope you’ll pardon me for not commenting on the veracity of the hypnotherapist’s claims. (Although it kind of looked like BS. Does that count as a comment? It probably does.) He didn’t actually say anything about flying for the entire session, at least not that I heard, and perhaps what we saw was just the placebo effect at work – Kyle’s anxiety was gone because she was told it would be. And if that’s the case, Linda should have just cut out the middle man and tossed Kyle an Aspirin on the plane. Tell her it’ll get rid of her anxiety, et voila, Kyle is completely calm. It’s the same thing that happens with college freshman who think they’re wasted after four sips of a Long Island iced tea, and it works beautifully.
Already in New York, Camille gave us an impromptu tour of her family’s city apartment. And for once, Camille showed an iota of self-awareness: after she said that a 3500 square foot apartment was too confined for her, she admitted that it must sound obnoxious. Not only that, but once Kelsey arrived home, I actually felt a bit bad for her. He looked thrilled to see the kids and completely annoyed that she even bothered to show up for the family reunion. I thought I might enjoy seeing Camille get punched in the face by the end of her marriage, but I’m actually glad that I don’t so far. It means I’m still human. Sort of. Give me another year of Real Housewives, I’m sure Bravo can fix that.
Or, really, just one more scene with Camille might do the trick. You see, her mother lives in New Jersey and they rarely get to see each other because Camille is just so busy ordering around the help back in California, and since she was on the East Coast for once, they got together at…a nail salon. But Camille’s mom didn’t get a manicure, she just sat there and tried to make conversation while Camille got her nails done. Did I mention that her mom was also being treated for cancer? Treated with chemotherapy, which, if you’re not familiar, sucks just about every ounce of humanity out of your bones. And mom sat there, mostly silent, and listened to Camille complain about how exhausted she was, on and on for god knows how long, while getting her nails filled in. And now I have to stop and take a breath, or I’m going to use some truly awful words and lose my job. Feel free to mentally insert the appropriate profanity here.
Meanwhile, the rest of the ladies were hiking through LAX in stilettos, trying to figure out the whole issue of Kyle’s and Camille’s conflict. Kyle insisted that all she did was act surprised that Kelsey wouldn’t be joining Camille in Hawaii, and then Camille took that and assumed it to mean that Kelsey was the only important person in the family. As I mentioned a few weeks ago when this “storm in a bloody teacup” actually happened, that seems as plausible to me as anything. If Lisa, who witnessed the interaction, thinks Camille needs to get over it and stop taking things so personally, I believe her. Lisa wouldn’t lie to us. Giggy doesn’t tolerate that sort of foolishness.
Once in New York, everyone air-kissed and pretended to like Camille and adorably, they were all outfitted in standard-issue New York black. Kyle pulled Camille aside to set things straight and make sure everyone was on the same page about what was or was not said in Vegas, which actually seemed rather mature in the context of Real Housewives. The conversation went fine for a little while, even if it was obvious that neither of the people involved in it were terribly interested in forming a bond with one and other. Sometimes you just have to pretend a little bit so that you’re not the girl who can’t get along with everyone’s mutual friend, right?
Except somehow, the subject turned to shyness (Camille’s shy? Does anyone believe that? I can hardly believe she managed to say it with a straight face) and then insecurity, and we got to see first-hand how Camille spins a relatively harmless, off-the-cuff comment into a total and epic shitstorm. She made the crazy eyes. I felt unsafe.
To me, it didn’t seem like Kyle meant anything bad by using the word “insecure.” Camille was going on and on about being very shy, and shyness and insecurity can be strongly linked in certain situations. When you’re babbling at someone who you’ve offended and you’re trying to make it better, sometimes the exact right word doesn’t come out, although in the context of the conversation, I’m not sure it was really an inaccurate description. Either way, it certainly didn’t seem like Kyle was actively trying to be passive-aggressive, and even if she was, it was hardly a truly nasty thing to say when you consider all the totally awful, totally accurate things one might say to Camille Grammer.
Oddly, Camille seemed like she agreed with me until the group got downstairs to have dinner, at which point she decided that the use of the word “insecure” was actually meant to insult and demean her. Maybe she found a crazy pill in the elevator on the way down. Whatever happened, she decided that she would not tolerate the use of those kinds of words, even when she prompts them by trying to blame her rude phone skills on her “shyness.” She’s Camille effing Grammer, after all. Does Kyle even know who her husband is?
Luckily, this time, Bravo got the whole situation on tape so that we don’t have to speculate about what was and wasn’t said, and Camille may very well be headed to Kelly Bensimon territory with her satchels of gold and gummy bears on the vine. Kyle told her not to feel insecure after she claimed to be almost painfully shy, and to her, that was some sort of insult and it will not be tolerated. Well, it will only be tolerated for a few minutes, after which, Camille shall have a fit. And have a fit she did! Although we’ll have to wait until next week to see most of it, at which point Kim apparently jumps in and makes everyone else look sane. She’ll be playing the Ramona Singer character to Camille’s Kelly this season – someone pour her some pinot grigio.