So did you know that there was a new episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on last night? I had no idea. There was no corresponding episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta on Sunday night, so I thought that we were all free and clear until next week. Not so!

The show lacked any major fights or meltdowns, but it was pretty entertaining nonetheless. If I had my way, Brandi would go to every taping three cocktails deep and full of Xanax. That would probably be bad for her health, though, so I suppose I can include that in my nightly prayers. Oh well. A girl can dream. I bet the dreams are extra interesting on a klonopina colada.

We started back at Kyle’s White Party, where Taylor and Russell were pulling away to go home and the Party Police had gone back inside to discuss/reassure themselves that they had done the right thing. They had, obviously, and Russell and Taylor’s conversation in the car only demonstrated how screwed up the entire thing was. First Russell said that what Camille’s accusations were an exaggeration, but after a bit more conversation, he then decided they were a total lie. When Taylor chimed in to gently remind him that no, he had in fact hit her, he didn’t seem at all surprised by the correction. Still, a few seconds later, he again insisted that the abuse accusations were a fabrication. So…which one was it? Did Russell think that if he said it was all false enough times, it would actually become false? Even if he had seemingly admitted that at least some of it was true only a few seconds earlier?

Back inside the party, things mostly went back to normal – music played, drinks were imbibed, Kim’s sketchy-ass boyfriend loaded up his mouth with chewing tobacco. (Wait…what? That had to be what that was, right?) And then they kissed, a lot, which made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. In fairness, my reaction probably would have been the same even without the maybe-chew. Those two are just kind of gross and cracky and intense, and I have a very physical reaction to that.

The next day, we joined Lisa in her enormous closet, where she was wearing the biggest, fluffiest, palest pink fur coat that I’ve ever seen in my whole silly life. If I owned that coat, I’d never take it off. I’d wear it like a bath robe – I’d read in it, I’d blog in it, I’d wear it downstairs to check the mail. I’d be That Crazy Chick in the Pink Fur Coat. Life would be splendid. Anyway, the real point of that scene was to tell us that the entire group, minus Taylor and Russell, would be flying to Hawaii for Mauricio’s birthday. And that means only one thing – YAY MORE SHIRTLESS MAURICIO. OUR PLEAS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED, LADIES!

Well, it actually means two things – in order to get Kim to come on the trip, Kyle also had to promise that she could bring Troll Boyfriend Ken, which means we all have to endure that dramafest for the remainder of the Hawaii episodes. Even Ken couldn’t get Kim to the airport on time, though. While the rest of the group sat around at the terminal, eating greasy fast food just like real people who hate the airport, Kyle called Kim to find out where she was. Kim was at home, of course, trying to find her passport because she hadn’t bothered to get her driver’s license renewed (which, I suppose, is better than Kim thinking she needed a passport to fly to Hawaii). Kyle had reminded her to get a new license so that she could get on the plane, and Kim told her that she had, but oops, she lied. And then she couldn’t find her passport, so she couldn’t get on the plane at all. Double oops. Hey, maybe she’ll make the next flight! But let’s be real, she probably won’t! Addicts – they’re not great at time management.

Naturally, with everyone else getting on the plane to head to Hawaii, our next stop was Taylor. Because Russell doesn’t allow her to have friends (and let’s face it, she doesn’t really have the personality to have friends), her scene was with her therapist. Let me make one thing absolutely, stone-cold clear: If your therapist will let a reality TV crew film your session, you need a new therapist. No exceptions. They talked about how Russell didn’t take any ownership for causing the problems at the White Party and various other things, but mostly I was cringing too hard at the idea of a (second!) filmed therapy session to focus. Maybe Taylor and Dr. Drew get together for an ill-advised mental health reality TV extravaganza. I’d watch it! I’d hate myself, but I’d watch it.

At the airport, everyone had boarded the plane and they were all drinking their first class champagne and eating their first class tea sandwiches, which is way fancier than the Milano cookies and mix-your-own-Bloody Mary that they give you in AirTran business class (and it’s way, way fancier than the bag of pretzels that they sling at your head back in steerage). Kyle called Kim once again to find out if she actually intended to wander over to Hawaii any time that day, and at that point, Kim was still trying to book her ticket. If she actually managed to get on the 6:00 flight, she would get to fly with Paul, a revelation that seemed to cause Adrienne endless and barely controlled glee.

Once that flight landed, Brandi’s Xanax (she’s a nervous flyer!) and in-flight booze kicked in and she got real talkative. About her injured cankle, about the size of the puddle-jumping plane they were going to take to the island, about what red Ferrari’s say about a man, about everything. And then they all got together that evening for even more drinks and she talked EVEN MORE, this time mostly while draped all over Lisa’s husband. Brandi then called Troll Boyfriend Ken a gay bullmastif, and if you have any idea what that means, please tell me. In a reaction shot, Kim took a swipe at Mauricio’s attractiveness in return, which is just about the silliest damn thing I’ve ever heard. Kimmy, baby, play in your own league. If you want to talk smack about how someone else’s man looks, pick one who isn’t objectively the hottest guy on the entire network. It’s a losing battle.

The important upshot of the travel and cocktail party scenes was that Brandi needs to be drunk and on Xanax for at least 85% of the show. She didn’t say anything that was, like, shockingly inappropriate, but she did completely lose whatever filter she actually had in the first place and slur a bunch of hilarious things left and right. Did you know that she used to roofie herself before she flew? She did, but she can’t do it now because it’s illegal, and that’s really too bad. If you want to roofie yourself, by god, the American government shouldn’t stand in the way of that.

The next morning, Paul finally arrived from his two flights and indeed confirmed that Kim had been on the plane with him – on the first one, anyway. After that, she disappeared into the bathroom and he flew to the island by himself because she was apparently scheduled for a later puddle-jumper. So, for those who are keeping score: Kim is more than a day late to a Hawaiian vacation that she likely didn’t even have to pay for herself, and she’s late because she couldn’t spend an hour of her extremely busy schedule at the DMV to get her license renewed. While they waited for her to arrive, the group headed to the pool and beach, half of them in tiny bikinis and the other half in caftans and frowns. Mostly there was just a bunch of tut-tutting from the caftan crowd about the relative appropriateness of Brandi’s bikini, personality and existence, but once they all gathered together on the beach, something serious actually happened.

As you already knew if you had watched any of the commercials for this episode, Taylor called Kyle to tell her that her marriage to Russell had ended and that he was in the process of moving out of the house. Naturally, this bit of news got broadcast to everyone (including the cameras) on speakerphone, and then…the episode ended. Just poof, done! So Kim is nowhere to be found and Paul left her in a bathroom in some other part of Hawaii, Taylor finally grew a backbone when it comes to her relationship and the rest of the cast is in Hawaii, celebrating Mauricio’s birthday, which is now completely overshadowed.

Poor Mauricio. Come to mama, I’ll make it all better…

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • PhotoGirl

    “…the group headed to the pool and beach, half of them in tiny bikinis and the other half in caftans and frowns. ”

    LOL!!!

    I have stopped watching RHBH, but I will never give up your recaps! Your column should be nominated for a Webby or something. It’s the best.

  • Jess

    Ugh, Ken was totally putting a dip in, which was just disgusting! I will give them credit for not making us watch any kissing with tongue, it was really just a few pecks. All the chatter about Brandi’s bikini was cracking me up. She is absolutely not the first person that any of them have seen in a tiny bikini and she certainly won’t be the last. Kudos to Camille for just manning up and saying Brandi looked awesome! At least Camille is comfortable enough in her own skin to say it. My hubby and I were cracking up at Ken and Lisa. I’m thinking Ken got an extra ‘holiday’ thrown his way on that vaca.
    PS, it was so forced of Adrienne to wear that Palms visor. She couldn’t do any better???

    • I thought Brandi looked completely amazing too – the woman is genetically gifted, and if I had her body, you best believe my bikini would be exactly that tiny.

      • Nancy

        Chiming in, I think Brandi is fantastic, but she’s too skinny. I always thought Camille was too skinny, but next to Brandi, Camille is just about right.

      • Kate B

        Is it me, or did it look like Brandi’s boobs are real?! When she and Camille were lying on the lawn chairs, her boobs moved off to the side (the way real boobs do), while Camille’s did not budge a bit.

    • Mary

      Totally agree with Nancy. My immediate thought was that Camille looked downright healthy next to Brandi! Notice the girls in cover-ups started the catty talk. I like my friends with a little meat on their bones!

      • Nancy

        Kate B – I’m sure I heard Brandi say at some point (excuse the pun) that her’s are fake. But she was showing a good deal of “side boob.” On the other hand, the top was very small, so maybe it wasn’t movement so much as exposure.

  • NCGal

    “klonopina colada???!!!” You are genius, Amanda, pure genius…

  • M. Martell

    I’m so upset I missed the pink fur!!!! lol

    http://nyorkeratheart.blogspot.com

  • NCGal

    Another thing…My assessment of the post-White-party- “douchy”- limo-ride-of-shame” for Taylor and Russell is this: Taylor was busted, not only by the Housewives, but their husbands, for telling them all the bullsh** about her husband hitting her. Taylor’s discomfort in the limo with her husband post-banishment was not fear or recriminations from Russell, that Russell would hit her or in any way abuse her, but that he would realize that it was his WIFE, not Camille or anyone else, who was telling the world he (Russell) beat her…which I still believe to my core is a fabrication.

    • jomarie

      I agree.

    • Nancy

      Call my cynical – but I think what really, finally was the last straw and made Taylor end it was the fact that she was now going to lose camera time due to Russell’s email. And that, she would not stand for. She wasn’t even completely honest in her therapy session. And what a stupid question: “Did he say I love you and I’m sorry I may have hurt your friendships?” Gee, that’s totally not the elephant in the room.

      • adrienne z

        Her therapist is a whacko and obviously has heard only more of her side of the story than his.
        He has no business getting paid for advice when he’s sympathizing with the devil.

    • Alena

      totally agree

      • Manuela

        Partially agree; that therapist was clearly telling first Taylor and Russell and second just Taylor exactly what they/she wanted to hear to keep the cash a’flowin’.

        I didn’t get the impression that the therapist was fooled or hoodwinked at all by Taylor; other way around. I think he’s another (wink wink) “therapist” pandering to the narcissists of LA. Gotta be a helluva good living!

    • adrienne z

      I agree completely. She was noticeable uncomfortable in the limo because the cat was out of the bag. The jig was up and it was dawning on Russell that it was entirely Taylor’s doing and noone else’s,
      Not only that, it occurred to me that if Taylor was in any danger whatsoever AFTER the limo ride (or any other time), why was she permitted to go home with him? Wasn’t there a camera crew in the limo filming their ride home? If there was any danger of her getting abused and hit at home after what SHE had done, why would Bravo permit her to go home with him and get physically punished? She has had ample opportunity in FULL VIEW of MANY to get out of her “abusive” situation and Russell would have had no recourse but to let her leave.

      • jomarie

        I have the sickest feeling that Taylor has used Russel’s record to manipulate the other housewives into sympathy for her. I’ve seen her intention to dump Russel from the very beginning, I assume she needed them as a springboard into a truly wealthy circle.

  • Kate M

    Perfect recap. Thanks!

    I loved when Adrienne defended her red-Ferrari-driving brother. I personally don’t want to think about my brother’s junk, so it was nice but really weird of her to defend him and his kind.

    Poor Brandi will never do anything right in Kyle & Co’s eyes, but I love her despite my jealousy over her bikini bod.

    • Nancy

      I kinda see it like Brandi regarding red-Ferrari’s. And I’m not so sure about Adrienne’s brother. Remember when they were in Vegas and his cocktail waitress girlfriend was walking with them? Holding hands, intro’d her to Adrienne (who kinda blew her off a little), then he kinda shook the waitress/gf off? Call me silly, but I rather doubt that’s a serious relationship – although she probably thinks he’s her ticket off the casino floor.

      • Kate M

        Completely agree! I had forgotten about that scene at the Palms. I do recall thinking it (and he) felt really creepy.

      • Nancy from SB

        I thought it was men that drive monster trucks – aren’t they the ones less than well-endowed? :-) I really think that adage is generally true.

      • jomarie

        She might have been any random femle employee, there’s no specific relationship implyed. It’s just like driving his red Ferrari through the Casino.

  • RedHead

    If the best revenge is looking hot and happy Camille trumps Kelsey-The-Dirt-Bag. I have complete body envy of Camille Grammer. I wonder how many hours (& dollars) it takes to maintain that perfect bod…? Whatever it is it is money well spent.

    • Nancy

      I wondered, too. Not an ounce of fat on her. Total body envy.

      • jomarie

        A friend of mine who has had a long career in mental health, tells me that human brains are fueled entirely by fat. Could it be the dynamo of intellect that keeps some lucky women so lean?

      • Manuela

        Camille still has that dancer’s body and Brandi still has her model’s body. I agree with Amanda: if I had a body like either one of theirs, I’d be wearing “butt floss” too, every chance I got.

  • vividtexas

    Camille looked FAB! Brandie? Eh, to my eyes, kinda bony, but whatever.

    The most eye-popping part of the episode for me was watching Taylor confess to her “therapist” that all Camille did was REPEAT WHAT TAYLOR HAD TOLD HER!!!!! I found that just refreshing, in a whole “we already knew that” kind of way. Just goes to show Taylor does know truth from fiction.

    Amanda, great recap, as always!

    • Ashley

      I thought that Camille looked just as skinny, especially when she was “stretching” on the chair. I thought that Lisa just seemed really catty and rude, and I normally like Lisa. Like Brandi would go after Ken anyway?

  • coachwife6

    Seems that Taylor is more interested in keeping her friends and being included than trying to salvage her marriage.

  • Nancy

    Most important question of the day: how does one pack those huge floppy hats that Kyle and Lisa wore? I really, really want to know.

    • That’s actually a really good question.

  • Red

    Oh Amanda, pretty please come to BH (pretend you’re interested in a house he’s selling) and meet Mauricio so you see the real sleezeball in person. This personality on TV isn’t even close to the real him. I used to work in the same office for years with him. Yuck!!
    Kudos on “klonopina colada” though, I LOVE that!

    • Mary

      I don’t doubt it, I’m just disappointed. So, when the camera is on he is a charming, lovable family man. But then again, the cameras don’t follow him at the office.

    • I’m sure he’s a total sleezeball, but at least he’s a hot sleezeball. People who are incredibly attractive are rarely also incredibly nice, sad to say. It’s not always the case, but more often than not.

    • tt

      :O

      What would he do?!?!

  • Nancy from SB

    I was hoping Lisa was too kind and cool to wear real fur – her Russian hat she wore to the ski lodge was “faux.”. She seems to be an animal lover.

  • Stacy

    I think brandi’s description of Ken is the most hilarious/honest description of his look. His face is wrinkily and squishy like a bullmastif and he looks like he might swing the other way. I could not contain my laughter when she said that! And Ken is a total loser!! I agree with Kyle, their display of affection looks so fake and gross, totally unnatural.

    • Jazzy

      Stacy I totally agree

  • adrienne z

    Did you know that BravoTV has blogs from the camera crew that follows this bunch around? I haven’t had time to read them all, but am planning on getting around to it one of these days when I have an extra hour. I’m REALLY curious to find out the cameramen’s comments about their observations of Taylor and Russell’s relationship that are not shown to the public.
    I read one comment that Taylor LOST her cellphone in Vegas and that’s why nobody could get hold of her before the White Party to tell her not to bother coming and that was not shown to us on the show. That negates Taylor’s comment that Camille should have called her in response to Russell’s email. How could Camille call Taylor if Taylor had lost her phone? Also – Camille HAD called and texted Taylor numerous times to apologize and Taylor completely blew off Camille’s attempts. Why would Camille try to call again after Russell’s email? Camille would have thought that Taylor was IN on the email because Russell never would have sent it had Taylor not told him about what Camille said. Taylor needs to get off of the Poor Me Train and own up to her own involvement in the mess that she herself had created.

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