Sorry for the delay, lambs, but I finally got to leave my house today after six days of snow captivity, and I wasn’t going to miss that opportunity for anything. But now that I’ve made it to lunch and back without careening off a frozen bridge, let’s have a Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recap to celebrate!
Last night was supposed to be something of a watershed episode, but really, it was more like a bit of relief. The other shoe had finally dropped on awful person extraordinaire Camille Grammer, and that shoe belonged to a 20-something flight attendant who misspells her own first name.
We started the episode with Kyle and Lisa having lunch and discussing Kyle’s oldest daughter’s graduation, but talk quickly turned to Taylor and when the ladies found out that she be dropping by to join them. Lisa and Kyle are old friends and Lisa is apparently a bit uneasy about Taylor’s entrance to the situation, and before Taylor arrived, Lisa pointed out that Taylor was likely the one who stirred Camille up in New York and caused the blow-up that we all saw at the restaurant.
The way Lisa explained her feelings about Taylor came off as slightly jealous, but also entirely correct. It does appear to be Taylor who fanned the flames with Camille on the New York trip, and when Taylor arrived at the restaurant, she went straight to work establishing that she was the one who was closer to Kyle at that moment. When the issue of her and Russell came up and Lisa told her to stop trying to laugh it off and pretend like she wasn’t bothered, Taylor acted like she was a crazy person, despite seeking Lisa out to talk about her marital problems at one of last week’s various and sundry parties. It seems like it’s a little late in the season to make a Lisa-Taylor rivalry happen, but perhaps they’re setting us up for some finale drama next week.
Over at Camille’s house, things were similarly weird. Camille admitted what we all already knew, that Kelsey had called her before the Tonys and told her that the marriage was over and then asked her to come to the awards show with him anyway. That admission was spliced in with Camille toasting Kelsey and the Tonys with her friends, most of whom were clearly unaware that they were headed for a nasty divorce. When one of them asked when Kelsey would move back after the play, she looked like she might throw up and then begged off from the question with the least-convincing diversion tactic ever: “Err, well, that’s the plan. I guess. Not yet. You’ll know.”
Do I feel bad for Camille? That’s a complicated question, I suppose. Do you feel bad for Camille? Are we all grinches with hearts two sizes too small? It’s difficult to not feel a little bit of schadenfreude (at the very, very least) for someone who has worn her marriage (to a notoriously womanizing ex-addict and mostly washed-up actor) as a badge of privilege and status for far too long and for no other reason than that he had a name that people knew and he let her use it. People get married every day. It’s not an accomplishment.
People also get divorced every day, and the vast majority do it under far less convenient circumstances. Camille will reportedly get somewhere in the neighborhood of $50 million in the settlement, not to mention all the fame and notoriety she could ever want as a result of her stint on Housewives and her desire to talk (very specific) smack about her ex-husband. She doesn’t have a job, and she won’t have one for the rest of her life, simply by virtue of having found a rich man at a weak moment and holding on for dear life until he got wise and kicked her to the curb. So, in short, screw her. Bring on the divorce.
You know what irritates me the most about Camille, though? She laughs with her eyes open. That’s the thing she does that makes everything else seem wrong. After reviewing hours of footage and spending far more time than a person who wants to maintain her sanity should spend on the issue, I finally figured it out. She can’t even laugh without making sure everyone else is looking at her and reacting appropriately. She did it for an entire half an hour on Watch What Happens Live last night, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe Andy Cohen should wear his glasses more often, because they help my brain work better.
She did look a little thin and sound a little defeated, and I have a couple of friends who have recently gone through divorces and it seems like absolutely the most heinous and draining experience on the face of the planet. So I feel smug, but I also feel a little bad for feeling smug. And mostly I hate Camille, because now Camille is causing me to have introspective thoughts about my own flaws and meanness, and I didn’t really sign up for that when I decided to watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, now did I?
At Kim’s house, our very own Jan Brady was doing a phone interview with Disney Radio about her claim to fame, Escape from Witch Mountain. The DJ called her a sex symbol for reasons that I’d rather not contemplate (wasn’t she like eight when she did that move?) and Kim did the requisite bragging about her decades-old stint as an actress and then said that she wanted to restart her career, which seems about as likely as Camille and Kelsey getting back together after she told the world that he’s a crossdresser on Howard Stern’s show two days ago.
Meanwhile, Adrienne and Paul went shopping, and the most surprising thing was that Adrienne would deign to set foot into a place that uses plastic hangers. Even the Gap uses wooden hangers, y’all. Or do I just go to a very special Gap? Anyway, that’s not the point. The point was that they bickered, like they always do, and then Adrienne bought some stuff because it’s her money and he can’t stop her, nor do I think he would. She’d probably just break his nose again if he tried. Poor Paul. He leads a full-contact life.
Speaking of fabulous lifestyles, we then joined Lisa, Ken and Cedric in the Bentley to head up to a vineyard and “commission a new wine” for the restaurant. The awkward moving-out issue came up again, but it was mostly overshadowed by Lisa being marvelous and making jokes about spitting instead of swallowing, hiking through vineyards in Louboutins and the disease that is flat shoes. A nice diversion tactic, Lisa, and certainly better than Camille’s from earlier in the episode, but we need to discuss Cedric.
As you all know, I gave the Dickensian story of Cedric’s life the benefit of the doubt last week, but after hearing what he said to Lisa in the vineyard and seeing his little performance when they were back home, it seems as though he may indeed be running a long con on Lisa and Ken. His entire screed was like a study in emotional manipulation and he became clearly agitated (and not in a sad way, but in an angry and indignant way) at the implication that he should one day live on his own. When he got Lisa alone, he launched into the “BUT NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME” crap that people you’re trying to break up with say to make you feel bad for them and told her that he was the child of rape, and if that’s a lie, a gang of actual sexual assault survivors should hunt him down and beat the crap out of him. But they should let Lisa have the first swing.
Back in Beverly Hills, Kyle and her daughter were working out with their personal trainer when they got a phone call that they seemed to think was rather unfortunate but actually sounded kind of lucky. As it turned out, the cousins wouldn’t be able to make it to graduation. THOSE cousins. Paris, Nicky, Baron and their parents weren’t going to attend, and that was a tragedy. But really, who wants a bunch of sniveling famewhores who will just distract everyone’s attention around when you’re trying to have a special day? Perhaps the graduate (what was her name?) agreed, because she didn’t seem particularly gutted over those developments.
As it was, about a thousand people showed up to see her turn her tassel anyway, and in reality, college graduation isn’t that big of a deal. I didn’t go to mine, and here I am, gainfully employed at a job that I can do while wearing sweatpants in the middle of an absolute crap economy. All that and I didn’t have to sit outside in a giant polyester robe and ugly hat on a 90-degree day. I count that as a net win, even though I don’t have any graduation pictures. They’d just sit on my digital camera until I accidentally dropped it in a fountain or something anyway. I know myself too well to sit through things like that.
Since this is Real Housewives and all, there had to be a party attached to this momentous occasion. Everyone got together for a plated dinner and the presentation of gifts afterward, and Kyle’s daughter seemed incredibly pleased with the bling that her mother had chosen for her. What was perhaps less exciting was the giant potted plant (huh?) that the Hiltons sent over with two attendants, only adding credence to my belief that they would have acted like jackasses and stolen the show if they had bothered to show up. They did do one thing correctly, though – they sent a fat check. At another table, Adrienne and Paul discussed their marriage issues with Mauricio’s sex therapist mom, and when Paul decided he had had enough of that subject, he recommended she get a face lift. With the exceptions of Russell and Kelsey, the Beverly Hills husbands are easily the best of any of the Housewives franchises.
In New York for the Tonys, the show finally spent a few more minutes on the only story line that matters. Camille had gone to New York for the awards at Kelsey’s behest so that no one would ask why she wasn’t there, but she wasn’t permitted to stay at the family’s apartment, which struck me as cold even for someone who’s cheating on his wife, no matter how horrible she might be. Kelsey put her up in a hotel instead, and he was also nice enough to fly Nick in so that she would have someone to kiss before the ceremony. It was incredibly awkward and we weren’t privy to how many of the people in their group knew that they were about to have a disaster of a public breakup, but that almost made it a little more fascinating. Watching people try to keep secrets is always solid entertainment.