So, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that this episode finally wasn’t full of filler. Some stuff actually hit the fan, which is what we’ve all been waiting for (yes, that was a Royal We right there). We don’t watch The Real Housewives of Orange County for the avant garde fashion choices, after all.

The bad news is that it was all of Lynn’s uncomfortable family issues that hit said fan, which made my skin crawl for approximately 45 minutes of the hour-long episode. I like this whole car-crash of a show a lot better when consenting adults are the only victims, and I also like it a lot better when it doesn’t subject me to a caterwauling drunk woman who is somehow still smiling because of how tight her stupid facelift is. That is a combination of annoying and creepy that I’d rather not have in my Thursday night.

As always, let’s talk about the housewives that weren’t directly involved in the meat of tonight’s show.

Vicki, obviously, was working during the majority of the episode so she wasn’t there during the final fireworks, but we did see a bit of her. First, she was on another of her dates with Don, who surprised her with a big ol’ ring and then wiped some bird poop of their server’s head. Don is easily the least terrible person on this entire show (he may be the least terrible person in the entirety of Bravo’s Housewives universe), and the fact that he seems to genuinely like Vicki makes me wonder if she’s not as bad in real life as she is on the show. I shudder to think what other reason he would have for staying with her.

Before she disappeared back to her office for the rest of the episode, she managed to redeem the botulism-and-orange-chemicals “party” that she had for her employees last week ever so slightly by bringing in a financial planner and providing lunch for her younger employees (and both of her kids). That’s actually a decently nice thing to do. I wish someone would teach me some of that stuff. More specifically, I wish someone would teach me how in the world I’m supposed to do my freelance taxes. If this were to be a Twitter trending topic, I would tag it #ThingsTheyShouldaTaughtMeInJournalismSchool. Just sayin’.

Ahem. Anyway.

Although Tamra was present at the night’s trainwreck, she mostly just sat there with a excrement-eating (I’m not allowed to cuss on here – hello, advertisers! – so just fill it in mentally) grin on her face the entire time, happy that she wasn’t involved in the fight. Previous to that, we saw her and Beta Douche Simon cleaning out their garage in anticipation of selling their house before the bank foreclosed on it. Tamra took the opportunity to tell us that things were fine, just FINE, between her and Simon, which is silly, considering that we’ve already read the ending to that book, so to speak.

Gretchen played an integral part in Lynn’s eventual meltdown, but she also rode around on her motorcycle for part of the episode and showed off some makeup that is apparently a part of her new line, Gretchen Christine Beauté. Yeah, with the pretentious ‘e’ and everything. If there’s one thing I really don’t need in my life, it’s eyeshadow endorsed by a housewife who always looks like she puts her makeup on with a trowel.

And then there was Alexis, who facilitated the whole meltdown by throwing a boozy party in the middle of the day, to which she invited several women that hate each other in various ways. She did it under the guise of peacemaking, which is adorable. Absolutely precious. No one ever resolves anything on Real Housewives – if they did, we wouldn’t have a show. Plus, they all know that they don’t get any camera time if they’re not beefing with someone, and these people need camera time like the rest of us need food, water and shelter.

Before we talk about what went on at the party, however, we have to talk about the spectacular parenting FAIL that Lynn had beforehand. She took her daughter to the mall to talk to her, because apparently no one in Orange County is able to communicate with anyone else if they’re not both engaged in an activity that involves boozing, tanning or shopping. They’re almost like the Jersey Shore kids, but not as ironically lovable. While in the car on the way there, her teenager told her that she was hung over, a fact which did not seem to trouble Lynn at all.

Once inside, Lynn tried to engage in a Serious Discussion at the mall, but Alexa was not interested in participating in said discussion. She chose to display her distaste in her mother’s timing by doing the most mature thing she could think of, which happened to be calling her mother a witch-with-a-b and throwing Lynn’s cuff down on the table.

Instead of doing what my mother (and presumably, most mothers everywhere) would have done and dragging her little ingrate of a daughter out of the mall by her hair, Lynn sat there with a creepy smile on her face (presumably because her facelift does not allow her to make other facial expressions) and tried to use her words to express to her daughter how sad she was to see that she was disrespecting her cuff. Alexa very plainly tried to tell her that if Lynn forced her to abide by her punishments, then she might act right every now and then, but the sentiment didn’t seem to penetrate Lynn’s leather-like face. She just cradled her poor cuff and mentally frowned. But not physically, because she can’t.

After seeing that interaction, I can no longer bring myself to fault Gretchen for anything she’s said or done toward Lynn and Alexa in the past few episodes. In fact, when they played back some of the clips, it was obvious that Gretchen made it very clear that she was just trying to give Alexa an outlet and make her feel heard, since most teenagers have a hard time talking to their parents. Doubly so for Alexa, since I’m not sure that Lynn has entirely mastered the English language.

Considering all of that, things were definitely not going well when it came time for Lynn to sit down with the other women (minus Vicki) for a drunken lunch at Alexis’s place. As soon as Gretchen asked how Alexa was doing, things careened out of control so quickly that I can’t even entirely remember how Lynn, who appeared to be both drunk and possibly on some pills (she accused Gretchen of slipping something in her drink on Watch What Happens Live, although she pretty much always seems high to me), went from making inappropriate jokes about Kegel exercises and her husband’s manbits to wailing about how hard it is to live in the OC, where sixteen-year-olds get BMWs.

Listen, Lynn. Orange County is not the only place on the face of the planet where parents try to live vicariously through their kids by buying them expensive cars – it happened where I grew up, and I’m fairly sure that it happens in the chichi suburbs of every major city in America. It’s also not any semblance of an excuse for not actually parenting them, or for giving up on them when they get into their teens.

Although she began her little scene by repeating how hard she tries to be a good mother, she eventually started talking about Orange County expectations, and that’s where she lost my support. It seemed entirely as though she was lamenting her own lot in the world – her crappy facelift, her fake tan, the hours she spends at the gym that aren’t making her any younger, the house that she’s about to get kicked out of on next week’s episode because she has no skills and never thought to save a dollar in her life. When she spends so much time thinking about all the things she has to do in order to keep up with her own ego, how can we possibly expect her to take the time to deal with anything else, much less something so exhausting as an unruly teenager that seems to desperately want someone to ground her? And then actually stick around to make sure she stays home? Clearly Lynn doesn’t have the time for that in the middle of busy aesthetics schedule.

It was pathetic and sad and thinking about it still makes my skin crawl. I can’t write funny little jokes about this stuff. This woman needs to get off my television, get out of her plastic surgeon’s office, and do something about her family. You know, besides just getting defensive when an adult that has made some mistakes in her life offers to help her stop her daughter from making the same ones. Anyone care to guess what attention-starved, attractive teenage girls with clueless, absentee parents do in their spare time? I shudder to think, but perhaps Lynn should ponder it for a while.

I don’t want to end my last post of the week on such a sour note, but there was absolutely nothing bright or cheery or not soul-crushingly awful about this episode of Real Housewives. So, instead, here’s a cute puppy video:

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  • luvsagreatdeal

    Could not have said it better.

  • JenG

    After watching last night episode I couldn’t wait to see what you would write. I was beyond shocked last night after watching Lynn and her daughter. The mall was the wrong place to take her to talk with her. And If I talked to my mother that way and called her a “B” and told her to kiss my *ss. I would have needed a doctor to surgically remove my teeth from the back of my head. So disrespectful and all Lynn could say was “oh my god.” They would have had to call the police!

  • pg1908

    i was so shocked at last nights episode, more so with Lynn’s reaction to her daughters behavior, i actually had to rewind to make sure I heard the conversation correctly. And like JenG, I too would have needed medical help if I ever even THOUGHT about talking to my mother that way. She is from Louisiana, and you just don’t push her to her “unhappy” place. It was really sad to watch, moreso that the daughter was making more sense than Lynn when it came to parenting and what she needed/wanted. And I knew it was all over for Lynn when they brought the “teen-whisperer” back and Lynn couldn’t even tell her daughter to come home, but made this poor woman do it? Really? She clearly mis-understands who is the parent and who is the child in their relationship.

    I do commend Vicki for the young adult finance training, but thought more information would have been retained had they left the wine at home! :-)

  • Barb

    Can we say train wreck?? A masiive, ugly train wreck of an episode. The hardest part of watching this was that Lynn has the silicone enhanced chest, fake tan, and the unmovable face. I thank god the women in my life look like real people and act like real people. How can a child grow into a well adjusted adult with that role model?? Isn’t there enough pressure on young girls to be “perfect” without their mothers falling for it too?? And the whole idea of the child whisperer…OMG! Even Alexa was telling Lynn that she wanted her mother not some hired help.. It just wasn’t penetrating that leathery stretch head of hers!

  • cassiescloset

    Lynn looked horrible last night–her hair was like straw and she has the profile of a chimpanzee. My advice to Lynn is to investigate some wilderness therapy programs to send her out-of-control daughter. Her daughter clearly wants some boundaries and even though she called her mother a bitch, she hasn’t reached it yet. If she can’t fathom teen boot camp for the little miss, she should have the little b-otch move in with Gretchen for awhile and see if a woman who hasn’t popped out a baby can do a better job parenting.

  • S

    Thanks for the video and the update! I missed last night’s episode, so I just caught it and then had to read your summary =) I agree with you Don is the most human out of all of them. And Vicki is not bad herself.
    As for Lynn – I don’t know why but I feel so sad for her. My heart really goes out to her. She is a terrible parent, but I feel like she knows no better. Her financial issues: that I blame on her. A woman of her age with children needs to be a little more careful with her spending. But I felt so sad when her daughter threw that stupid cuff at her and called her a name. Alexa is going to really regret all the stuff she put her mom through for us to watch. Or I hope she does. And I get Gretchen to a certian extent. But clearly her advice giving is not working. And Lynn is having an emotional drunken breakdown about her kids on national television. Seriously as a friend Gretchen could have backed down and chose a better place to talk about this. Why in front of the other girls? And why when filming? That’s why I question her intentions. She seems to just want to be right, more than anything.

    This was one of the saddest episodes. Except for Vicki who seems to be living it up.

  • bagolicious

    OK. First I have to give an “A”men to Jen G and pg1908. When I was watching the Lynn and Alexa episode, I thought, “OK. Am I missing something here?” I couldn’t believe it when “little girl” started cursing at her mama and her mama could only say, “Oh, my God”. Beyond pathetic.

    It was at that point when her mama should have snatched little girl’s behind and dragged her back to the bench. And I can’t believe that they would go to South Coast Plaza to air their dirty, no, funky laundry. I’m glad that I wasn’t at South Coast Plaza shopping that day and had seen what was going on because had I, then I would have been all up in their business and that would have ended up a very edited scene!

    Lynn needs to give that child an ultimatum of either going to boot camp, and I don’t mean Gucci boot camp, and then getting some psychological counseling afterwards, or be ready to pack her bags when she turns 18 and find another place to live.

    If little girl is so grown to walk out of the house when she wants, use fowl language, sashay around the house with an alcoholic drink in her hand, show no respect, etc… then she’s grown enough to support her disrespectful behind! And she thinks it’s SO bad at her parents’ house? Well wait until she gets out into the “real” world . The vultures will have her for lunch!

    As mothers say to kids in my culture, ” I brought you into this world, and I’ll take your behind out!”

  • otter

    1. Alexis, the new “housewife”, is an idiot robot. I wish her battery pack would run down and they will send her to the land of broken and used blow up dolls next season (aka — the Orange County landfill).

    2. All that flicking around of the hair in the kitchen was unsanitary. I bet they got some strands in the halibut.

    3. Lynn is good at rolling those parchment bags due to lots of experience rolling doobies.

  • Nancy

    Good Lord – this episode was a train wreck made in H*ll.

    I find it hard to believe that Lynn is really as dumb and clueless about parenting as she is being portrayed on this show. It all seems so very scripted and made up to me. I mean REALLY – come on. No one is that stupid about parenting their kids; and no one that is on TV on a weekly basis is as messed up and drugged out as Lynn always seems to be.

    I just can’t believe that this cr*p is real any more. Why haven’t the producers, the cameramen, the kid’s teachers, the other cast members called in CPS? I think it’s all made up for the show. And, just how many times can someone be evicted before their credit rating is so bad that no slum lord much less high end land lord would rent to them. I’m a land lord and I would never rent to someone that had been previously evicted; and, it is made to appear that Lynn and Frank are evicted regularly.

    I just don’t beleive it anymore! If this is not fake, then I feel really sad for these people and they need mental health couseling pronto!

    • Nancy

      The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that the show is fake and put on. How could Lynn be as fit as she is and spend as time at the gym as she does and be as drunk and doped up as she is made to apear on the show?

      • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

        Well, plenty of Hollywood actresses and actors manage to pull it off. If all she does is go to the gym, she’ll be plenty fit, even if she is on some kind of pills.

  • Sher77

    It was a sad, sad show. Does Frank work? At least Lynn has a business. I’m not sure how successful it is, though. That mall scene was the worst. Maybe Lynn is going through menopause. I read she was 53. I don’t know. That facelift really did not look good this week. The lunch was really a nightmare. Lynn was drunk and had a meltdown. She was ganged up on at the luncheon. I do feel badly for her, but she has no parenting skills at all. I hope things are better now between Lynn and her daughter.
    Alexis and her creepy husband are the worst. Really no redeeming qualities.

  • Handbag Lover

    Amen honey, Amen!

  • aka55

    Of all the blogs in all the world, I had to stumble onto yours; thankfully. It was at first your wit, and then later your wisdom that compelled me to comment on your blog. I appreciate thinking my words are not falling onto deaf ears as I only allow them to escape me in an attempt to make sense of the frightening reality our culture has created. To that end, I must add, your words have brought me hope.

    I 1st began my RH sojourn with the 2nd season of RHNYC. Given my own circumstances at the time, I was encouraged by the spunkiness & wit of Bethenney Frankel. She demonstrated an admirable ability to stay composed & relatively gracious under fire while still remaining amusing & insightful.

    I followed this experience with what eventually became an occasional glimpse between my fingers @ the NJ freak show, followed by a few episodes of Atlanta, then on to my 1st viewing of OC. The hair pulling, vitriol spitting, back stabbing, self-indulgent antics of the various participants made me wince in pain…but still I watched albeit as a child watches the scary parts of a movie, peeking through fingers or leaving the room during the really frightening parts.

    I’m uncertain as to why I watch, or even care about these vapid people & their insane lives. What happens to these people is of little consequence to me; right? Or is it that what is being played out on the these programs is of significantly more consequence than any of us could possibly imagine? I’m not certain we’re fully cognizant of exactly what it is that we’re watching unfold. All I know is that we seem unable to reverse or alter its course; for now anyway. Maybe it’s not too late to forestall or even prevent the catacylismic finish that is at the end of this painfully accurate metaphor.

    Sorry for being such a bummer. I suppose I’m just trying to rationalize why I’m watching this blood sport. I’m beginning to feel like a Roman watching lions devour Christians; in more ways than one.

    Peace!

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