I’m not sure where to begin because I’m not entirely sure that anything happened. I had a nearly impossible time paying attention to this week’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, and I’m not even on my post-surgery Vicodin anymore (well, every now and then, but that’s just between us).

Well, Tamra licked Simon’s face. That happened. God help us all.

Lynn continued to get kicked out of her house, Gretchen pretended to be a business woman, Alexis escorted her mom into her first plastic surgery procedure, Vicki was a hypocrite and Tamra drank a lot. It was par for the nauseating course in the OC last night, and I just don’t think it’s enough to keep me coming back for much longer.

As has become customary, Vicki’s involvement in the show was brief and toward the beginning. After last week’s San Fran Smackdown, she sought the alcohol-lubricated support of old friend and ex-housewife Jeanna, which was mostly hilarious since Vicki kicked her to the curb a few weeks back because she was poor and then had everyone else over to teepee her yard. But since all of our housewives are only slightly more self aware than your average Golden Retriever (and they also have the same hair color), it didn’t occur to Vicki that seeking out Jeanna as someone that wouldn’t be a “fair-weather friend” was more than a little ironic. These people do not understand irony.

Her daughter doesn’t have cancer, though, so good for her. And for Brianna. As Ramona from the New York housewives would say, kuh-dooz. They all had shots of Patron to commemorate the results, and to tell you the truth, I think that’s a pretty decent way to celebrate it.

Next in Real Housewives stereotypes, we have Alexis. Her mom was in town from Colorado or Missouri or wherever to have her forehead lifted and filled with industrial sealant, and I’d take this opportunity to make fun of her except that she was nice to the waiter at dinner, so I won’t say anything too terrible. I will say, however, that Alexis apparently looks like her dad, and that based on the pictures of her as a teenager in whatever flyover state that she came from, she has had substantially less work done on her face than I would have guessed. Color me surprised.

Even though I find Alexis terrible an objectionable in almost every way (talking to herself about her last, tiny bite of bread? What?), I did have one small moment where I completely and totally identified with her – apparently she didn’t want to walk to school as a child because it would make her hair smell like air. I HATED the way walking around campus would make my hair smell in college – like nature and dirt and the outdoors. I don’t like the outdoors. I like air conditioning and driving to places in my car. So, homegirl, I feel you on that one.

On to Lynn, who is still being evicted, still contemplating divorce, and whose daughters are still nearly too stupid to breath. Really no updates there, so…moving on.

Gretchen tried to launch her beauty line at some sort of women’s convention with lots of pink carpet and very few visitors, and I actually felt kind of bad. Objectively, a makeup line is a terrible idea since she’s not particularly famous and she always looks like she put on her face with a trowel and spackle gun, but Gretchen seems kind of sweet in a dumb way, and her booth actually looked great, and I felt bad. It was awkward, but also kind of predictable, but I have a hard time being joyful about poor, dim Gretchen’s completely foreseeable failure. I’m kind of a mensch that way.

And then Tamra. Ineffectual, frustrated Tamra. It was her birthday, she’s 42, and I actually would have pegged her more for 38 or 39, so I guess that’s nice for her. What’s not so nice for her is that her supposed good friend Vicki didn’t show up for her boozy birthday lunch, which looked like a lot of fun, but how did all of those drunk middle-aged people get home? Are there taxis in Orange County?

Anyway, I digress. Tamra and Vicki had previously gone on a little hike to talk about the Bayside Brawl, and things didn’t go so well, mostly because Tamra wouldn’t just shut up and go along with everything Vicki said, and Vicki gets all panicky and huffy when people disagree with her. As dicussed previously, Vicki may not understand irony but she does understand spite, so instead of taking an hour off to go to her friend’s birthday lunch, she used work as an excuse to skip it and sent her assistant with a gift that appeared to be still in the original shopping bag, plus some tissue paper. In the annals of passive-aggressiveness, Vicki is bucking for a spot on the Hall of Fame.

Not even the copious amounts of booze at her drunken lunch could distract Tamra from her relationships problem, and she spent dinner with him, alternately fawning, arguing, and encouraging him to get drunk. It seemed like every time they sort of had a sweet moment, Simon just had to have SOMETHING to say about what a saint he is for putting up with her, and even if she is sort of vile, he doesn’t get any extra credit since, you know, he was the one that picked her. If he didn’t want her, he shouldn’t have picked her. There are probably scads of dumb women out there who could have been convinced to marry him. That kind of says a lot about America, doesn’t it?

They eventually got on a gondola, even though I have no idea where one finds a gondola outside of Venice. The only thing that could have saved this episode would have been an impromptu capsize, but the boat stayed afloat and I stayed bored. Not even Tamra repeatedly licking Simon’s face brought me as much schadenfreude as it once would have.

Next week is the season finale, and it makes me wonder how the very first housewives will come back next season, or if they will at all. The bloom is off the rose a bit on this one, and without a brand new crew of crazy Californians, I’m not exactly sure where things go from here. Now that we have housewives that are far more ridiculous in other cities, I need more than Botox and an eviction to make me want to set the DVR.

Speaking of the other Housewives, we also have the NYC premiere next Thursday. Anyone excited? I’ll be recapping it, naturally.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • JenG

    I’m excited and can’t wait until the NY Housewives premiere! Did anyone understand what Lynn’s reply was for Tamra’s question about her husband cheating? Did she say that he was a germaphobe?

    • AprilV

      That’s what she said! To me, that was the funniest part of the show! Even though Lynn’s hubby did a terrible thing in shielding his wife from the money situation, I think they have a lot of crazy love for each other and can work through this. They are so right for each other and I just get the biggest kick out of them. I only hope their girls can figure out a direction for their lives because they both seem so lost. They seem to be holding this eviction notice over their dad’s head like he’s a malicious, horrible person. They all need to get over it. It was just a mistake on his part and he seems genuinely remorseful. Without him, what do they have? Oh right, they still have “Cuff Love.”

  • Sherrie M

    Love you Amanda, This weeks episode was as disjointed as Alexis’ and Taliban Jim’s relationship. Someone else mentioned somewhere else that he looks kinda like a fat Jafar (from Aladdin). Funny. Please keep up the great recaps for the new season of RHONYC.

  • Handbag Lover

    You are my girl! I just told the AJC Buzz on twitter about your blog and to come to the website and read your reviews.

    I have no comment on these women they are the worst; I am so ready for them to go away, it is unreal. The other ones don’t bother me as much as Orange County. Just lame!

    • That’s so sweet of you to do that! I wonder if they’re reading this now….*side eye*

  • mochababe73

    I really love the NY Housewives. They are my fave of all the franchises. This is my first time to watch the OC Housewives, and I love it.
    I know that I am in the minority, but I really like Alexis. Of course, I also like Vickie and Gretchen so go figure.
    It was so painful to watch Simon and Tamra. They were so ugly and mean to each other and on her birthday. Maybe it is time for the marriage to end. I can’t imagine my husband and I talking to each other like that.
    Love reading your recaps. Somethings I disagree with and somethings you really hit the nail on the head.
    Keep ’em coming.

  • Katie

    What an awesome post.. That is the greatest summery of this show I have ever read. I do however have to express my total dislike for Vicky. Lord she is a bitch. So, its ok for her to bash everyone else but when they do it to her she falls apart. San Fran proved her true colors. She said to Alexis. ” bring it on” and when Alexis BROUGHT IT Vickie caved like a house of cards. And her snide remark about Gretchen’s make-up like. ( just last week she complained no one worked)
    well gee Vickie… you are just so prefect right? As a gal from the Midwest ( 15 miles away from where ole Vickie grew up ) it is BRUTALLY disheartening to me that people actually act like that when in reality she was not brought up that way.. Sad but true.

  • Katie

    Oh and one other comment I failed to mention.. After Tamara bashed Gretchen for going out with Slade shortly after her fiance passed away Tamara was seen out with her new boyfriend only 2 moths after she and Simon broke up.. Can you say Hypocrite?????

  • aka55

    You’re definitely on point again this week! I must admit that, were it not for your recap, I’d be unable to recall much of this week’s episode, which I watched only 5 hrs ago! I’ve had toe jam that was more interesting & engaging. I find few of these freak show performers compelling or intriguing; most are self-absorbed, dull, and lacking in basic human decency. One notable exception, of course, was Jeana; the other, with a bit of a stretch, is Gretchen. Although she’s as thick as a plank, and sadly sophomoric in her approach to everything from relationships to business ventures, there’s something oddly endearing about her steadfast ability to view things in a positive light. Of course, that’s a troubling trait when considering it has probably kept her from seeing the OC Ho without the rose tinted gels. I guess my take on Gretchen is that she is more to be pitied than censured; much the same as yours.

    Overall, however, my views remain the same…this is a group of ego-maniacal buffoons who cannot imagine, let alone cope with & rise above, real tragedy. They shed tears over & waste money on the most inane things. To say much more than that is pointless. I do, however, feel compelled to make this 1 specific point: Vicki needs to SHUT UP about work! If she were good at her profession and at training & managing others, she’d be able to take off a few hours in the middle of the day. In fact, all successful business owners do just that, and they spend little or no time wasting energy telling everyone else how hard they work!

    Can’t wait to read your take on RHNYC! Until then…

    • JenG

      Wow! LOL!

  • LuluMakeup25

    Wow! So nice of you to do a detailed recap! Completely agree with you on this show loosing steam… that’s too bad.

  • Sher77

    Amanda, you do have a way with words! Great recap. I am so tired of Vicky. Why did Jeanna go to her house???? They are not friends.

  • Tiffany

    I am glad Vicki’s daughter is ok! Although I am really not liking Alexis, not just cause of her and Vicki’s squabble. Alexis is too fake for me and I am not just talking about her boobs!
    As far as Lynne and Frank go, hopefully they can work it out. Is it just me, or does Lynne seem like she is on meds, all the time? I thought I had read somewhere that Tamra and Simon had already gotten a divorce? He does seem like he wants Tamra to just stay home and be a quiet wife! Anyhoo, it is getting a little bit old..the show

  • Al

    “On to Lynn, who is still being evicted, still contemplating divorce, and whose daughters are still nearly too stupid to breath. Really no updates there, so…moving on.”

    bahahahha wicked.

  • Jeanna

    I think Viki is the next to leave, or Lynn. Lynn’s just….well….out there! I really don’t know what to think of her.

  • Mama M

    I’ve tried to watch this show, but these women all look alike to me. And they’re not interesting enough for me to figure out who they are. I’m waiting for the RHNY.

  • jennifer

    totally agree with everything from the constant use of “like” in Lynn’s daughters’ conversations that makes my ears bleed to the complete lack of insight that Vickie has….Can’t wait for NYC…so much more to watch there…substance I guess, in so much as “Housewives” can have…

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  • Joy


  • Tracey G

    The OC season is one of my favorite..hoping it comes back soon (ipad)

  • Tracey G

    Can;t wait for the new NY season (ipad)

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