As my fellow recapper Richard Lawson of Gawker said on Twitter last night, two new episodes of Real Housewives in one night is basically my D-Day. Luckily for me, nothing happened on Real Housewives of Orange County except Lynne’s kids acting like the two most stereotypical underage drunks in the history of forever, so that simplifies my job a bit.

The Real Housewives of New York City, however, brought it like the camera-hungry famewhores they are. For that, I love them. Sadly, however, it’s been so long since I’ve seen the show that I can’t remember who hates who, and it seems like the housewives themselves are a little confused about it. To make up for that, they’re now just all fighting with each other, and fighting with Bethenny in particular. I guess they’ve all figured out by now that she’s the favorite…can someone remind these women that jealousy isn’t a good look?

But before we get into that, we have to send our Orange County housewives tottering off into the sunset with their drunk children and awful husbands and various plastic and/or silicone body parts. Let’s say both hello and goodbye, after the jump.

It was the end of a season (an era?) in Orange County, and not a minute too soon. Exactly two moderately interesting things happened at the party that took up the entire episode: first, Tamra had a screaming match with Simon in a limo before the end-of-the-season get together and told him that he wanted a divorce. Not exactly a surprise, since we already knew that Simon had filed for divorce. Stupid TV lead times, they ruin all the surprises! Second, Lynne’s aforementioned hot mess daughters showed up hammered.

Let’s talk about the drunk teenagers first. They weren’t drunk when they left the house, they got that way in the limo with their parents present, although Lynne says that they were doing it all sneaky-like at the other end of the seat. Right. That just means that Lynne was high on whatever it is that she’s always on, and her slack-jawed husband was probably distracted by a shiny object or trying to remember how to spell his own name or something.

They got to the party and the girls proceeded to bust into the place like it was an underage club and pout when their mom wouldn’t let them continue to drink. Raquel got irritated and blew that popsicle stand, probably in search of a cheeseburger (I know that’s what I always want to do after a few cocktails), and then Alexa was That Girl. You know the one – she’s already drunk, sitting out on the curb, blubbering into her handbag about god knows what when you’re just pulling up to the club at 11:00. And then something magical happens, either real or imagined, and she’s ready to party again. There’s no explaining it, but one thing is for sure: you DO. NOT. WANT. to be that girl. Alexa is going to be That Girl for the rest of her life. Blame Lynne. Lynne didn’t appear to be overly concerned about any of this, but then again, it’s hard to tell after the facelift.

When That Girl grows up, she becomes Tamra, who also spent most of the party crying, but for a totally legitimate reason. Her life is screwed up, her husband sucks, and she’s finally unable to keep both of those facts below the surface anymore. Simon supervised her while she got dressed, berated her over every dress she chose, and then threw some bowling trip with her kids in her face on the way to the party.

But Tamra surprised me. Instead of being a nonsensical mess when she finally sat in the corner to talk about her problems with Vicki (while her husband was telling everyone else at the other side of the room how great they were doing), she was everything that housewives are contractually obligated not to be – self-aware, contrite, realistic. She understood that Simon used her kids against her and that his hatred for Vicki was just misplaced rage at her desire for independence, and she was able to articulate it effectively while sobbing in public. Is Tamra a smart person in disguise? Can we give her her own show to find out?

In the end, however, that was all that happened. No one else did anything interesting. Gretchen and Slade aren’t engaged, Vicki and Donn are still improbably the sanest couple on the show, and Alexis and Alpha Douche Jim are still the worst advertisement ever for Christianity. Possibly for all of organized religion. I hope that they take up some sort of missionary cause in a third world country and we never, ever have to see them again.

On to something fresh – well, maybe not fresh, but different than Orange County. The New York housewives wasted absolutely no time getting down to business – they were brawling from the jump off last night, and they continued to argue for an hour straight about who was fake, who was real, and who was going to pick up the check. Seriously – the check. It matters a lot to these women. Bethenny and LuAnne got in a fight at a Hamptons bar over whether or not Bethenny should have paid for LuAnne’s surfing lesson a year ago (she shouldn’t have, LuAnne is a moron), and then they got in a fight over Bethenny’s snarky comments, which was followed almost immediately by her calling LuAnne a “dumb drag queen” in the private interviews, which was so brilliant that it made my entire life. I am going to be calling everyone I know a dumb drag queen for at least a week. Maybe longer.

There were also some issues with Ramona on a boat, which she apparently just rented to create a captive audience to hawk her jewelry business. People seemed miffed and Ramona cried, but then they took tequila shots out of wine glasses and moved on to talking smack about Bethenny, who wasn’t present because she and Jill now hate each other.

Jill says that Bethenny was rude and nasty to her in a phone message, which is probably true. Bethenny said that Jill is a meddling, fight-picking mean girl, which is also probably true. There was a lot of Bethenny-bashing in this show, however, and the more that it went on, the more the real reason became clear – these women are practically choking on their jealousy over her.

Bethenny has had two books on the New York Times bestseller list, she has a nationally distributed liquor brand, people actually like her. She’s winning the series thus far – she’s the most effective of the famewhores. LuAnne made fun of her for pulling up to the bar in a SkinnyGirl branded car, but Bethenny made a very prescient point that seemed to go over LuAnne’s head – Bethenny is making BANK because of it.

It’ll be interesting to see if Bethenny holds out for the full season or quits the show for her new spinoff halfway through, but seeing all these adults so absolutely green with envy will probably get a little old. Or maybe it won’t – maybe they’ll spend every episode duking it out, and I’ll love Real Housewives all over again. One thing is clear, however – our New Yorkers definitely beat out the OC tonight.

One question though – where was Alex? I’ve always liked her. More Alex and Bethenny, please! They’re the only ones that I don’t want to punch in the throat.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • PhotoGirl

    Hear, hear! Thursday TV is bearable once again.

  • S

    I’m not really a huge fan of Bethany – she has great one-liners, but I think the other ladies can’t stand the behind the back badmouthing more than her celebrity. I would not want a friend like Bethany – she clearly talks a lot of trash. But it makes for great entertainment.

    • I do see why some people don’t like Bethenny – she’s a total shit-talker. As a blogger, however, I sort of respect that, you know? Also, I’ve followed her on Twitter for about six months now, and she never says anything mean or nasty on there, and she tweets quite a bit and it’s actually her doing the writing. I kinda get the impression that she’s taken on the role of the Greek Chorus of Real Housewives – she seems to be commiserating with the rest of us about how petty and ridiculous the rest of the women are. The difference, I suppose, is that she has to have cocktails with them, while I just have to hope that they don’t take out a hit on me.

  • Empress

    “Alexis and Alpha Douche Jim are still the worst advertisement ever for Christianity. Possibly for all of organized religion. I hope that they take up some sort of missionary cause in a third world country and we never, ever have to see them again.” OMG. Thank you for writing what was in my brain that I could never articulate as well as you. Duckface and Fatty are the two most annoying, slimy and repulsive characters on tv. I hope I never have to see them again either. RHONY was on point! I’m glad Alex’s face was limited. All that money and no braces when you were younger girl? Seriously? Bethenny was hilarious, her voice is starting to grow on me. Thanks for the recaps and making my Fridays so delicious.

  • S

    As long as we are being frank about the way people look: Bethany is one lucky girl. I did not see her ending up with somone as nice and normal and decent looking as her bf. Honestly I think Bethany looks like plastic surgery gone wrong, even though she’s never even had surgery on her face. And I too like Alex – she is the only housewife that is articulate and not overly catty.

  • Sher77

    OMG, I had forgotten how competitive these NY girls are. Andy and Bethany were funny after RHONY .The OC bunch were just depressing. Simon is horrible. I guess he’s out of work, but Tamara was sorta pitiful. The whole thing was sad. I heard Lynn say that she didn’t know what her family would be doing if she didn’t have her business. Lynn’s husband is so in LA,LA land. All the crying during the night was just sad.Thank God some of the old housewives were there to break the tension.
    I had forgotten the problems between, Jill,the Countess, Bethany and Ramona. It’s going to be a bumpy ride!!

  • Tiffany

    I watched the season finale of rhwoc and i was so sad for Tamra.
    Simon was always on her case, and belittling her. I think Vicki is a good friend. After all
    it was Tamra who came to her and told her problems. Lynne and her girls are out of control..
    Especially Alexa, maybe they should move out of Cali so they can afford a better house.
    If there is a next season, I can’t wait to see what goes down..Oh btw Alexis mom looked scary, what was up with that dark lipstick? Her face was so tight looking..

  • Danieli

    Three things, 1-Simon just turns my stomach, especially when berating Tamra when she was dressing, (maybe more of a douche than Jim!) oh yeah, why does Tamra need a Huge Name placard hanging in her closet????? 2-Alexis’ Mom (Holy balls!) is maybe the most scary looking woman I have ever seen on TV, and 3- Was that a LV Surya that drunk girl Alexa was wearing????? I just saw a new pic of Tamra and her new boyfriend, hot, hot boyfriend, he is a good friend of Simon!! Simon caught them together at the Hard Rock in LasVegas!! Karma Simon!!!

  • Moxsie

    Isn’t this a blog about BAGS? WTF? Why are you recapping ad nauseum the RHWs?? I’m so confused, I thought maybe you were going to atleast talk about one of their bags or some shiz like that. I do agree about Bethanny being the whole NON fool. But I disagree about Alex. Please. She, for sure, needs to be punched in the throat.

    • I do it because the audience for this show (and a couple of others) and the audience for our blog overlap quite a bit, and it breaks up the bag monotony. We tried it out and got a good response, so we kept doing it. Nothing more complicated than that. No one has to click through and read it if they don’t watch the show, there are plenty of bag posts to read.

      • motogirlie

        I love me some bags, but I read purseblog for the RHW recaps! Thanks Amanda!

  • JenG

    If the RHOOC return Alexa (Lynne’s daughter) need to be removed from the show. She donot need to be on TV, this young lady is in trouble and need help and is not going to get it from Lynne and Frank. Tamra has been so mean and hateful to Gretchen that I don’t feel sorry for her, that maybe be mean, but she is receiving what she put out! I am glad the RHONY are back! Great recap! And I maybe the only person in the world who like Jim and Alexis!

  • Maryann

    Your recaps are awesome! I look forward to them every week. I’m addicted. I’m wondering, Amanda, if you can tell us who the bag is made by that Alexis carried when they were shopping at the boutique in San Francisco? It was amazing. It had hinges on the handles and some grommets. I think she also carried it in the scene when she was out to lunch with her mother. Thanks!

  • supriapatel

    love the recaps…sadly i think i read somewhere alex is off the show now? is that true?

  • Bagolicious

    First, Tamara needs to save the drama for her mama. I’m so sick and tired of her whining and then running back to Simon, who needs deep therapy, as he’s totally clueless to his obvious problems. He’s beyond creepy.

    Tamara needs to snap the heck out of it and join the Real Housewives of the Real World. And for her to comment that she doesn’t want to be a mom of three and living in a condo…well wake up and smell the coffee…it’s called growing up, standing on one’s own two feet, and fully supporting oneself. There are a lot of us who support ourselves 100%. But, then again, a lot of us have a solid education and professions. Maybe more time needs to be spent on acquiring some education. Just a thought.

    As for the New York group, sad, real sad. They act worse than a bunch of middle school kids. And Ramona needs to get some therapy,too. Maybe she and Simon could team up and go for a two-for-one special.

    And don’t let me start in on the “Countess”. She has about as much class as a doorknob. She’s beyond horribly pretentious.

    And Jim and Alexa….there’s just not enough time or space to even begin on those two. So, I’ll just end.

  • Ashley

    Lets be honest…Bethenny is one scary looking chick. Thank god she’s funny…that’s all I can say. And where is Alex’s Simon??? He’s my favorite housewife!

  • Bagolicious

    Jim and “Alexis”….I think it is. I think Alexa is the little fast teenager who’s so “over it”. Or maybe that’s her sister. She’s in real need for a “Vocabulary For Dummies” book.

    • I always type the wrong one. So not fair to have “Alexa” and “Alexis” on the same show.

  • rachel

    I love them!? Do you have more pics of this bag? The gucci bags are amazing for the same season.
    you may interested in cheap gucci bags,gucci boston,gucci tote bags,gucci wallets

  • Mochababe73

    It was painful to watch Tamra and her husband. I was proud to see the Vickie acted like a human and was actually being there for Tamra. That was a big surprise for me. Vickie is one of my faves, and this year she had really disappointed me. This showed her softer side.
    I was so disgusted with Lynne and her husband that I did not know that there daughters were sneaking alcohol in the limo. Are they really that clueless? Then, Lynne wants to get mad at Slade for INFORMING the Clueless Couple that their daughters were drunk. He wasn’t loud. He actually whispered it in the ear. Lynne and Frank should make their daughters get jobs and contribute to their expensive spending habits.
    Finally, I really like Alexis and her husband. For some reason, people believe that those who go to church should behave and act a certain way. Most of the time that equates with being dowdy and fuddy-duddy. People in the Bible celebrated and drank. Jesus turned water into wine. Anything that is done to excess can be a sin. There’s nothing wrong with her wanting to keep herself maintained. If I could, I would have a nanny so that I can get massages and facials. Like Tamra said, if you can afford the help, go get it, girl!

    • It’s not the religion so much as the smugness that gets me. I don’t care how she dresses or what they buy – I don’t think that doing those things is necessarily irreconcilable to Christianity. What I do think is irreconcilable, however, is their smugness and complete lack of humility. If Jesus taught anything, it was that traits such as those were something that Christians should eradicate from their lives, and they appear to be making no attempts to do that. When you combine that with their constant insistence on talking about what good and Christian people that they are, things start looking hypocritical really, really quickly, and they’re not doing the religion or how people perceive it any favors. And they’re not self-aware enough to realize the contradiction, which I think makes them really unlikable.

      That’s just me and my view of both their actions and Christianity – obviously there will be more than one perception. But I wanted to make it clear that I don’t think, and have never thought, that the way Alexis dresses means she can’t be a Christian. I think that saying that would be both unfair to Alexis and show a real lack of understanding of the diversity of belief and practice that falls under the umbrella of Christianity.

  • janis

    no more KELL ON EARTH recaps?

    • It wasn’t on last week and I had surgery the week before – we’ll have the weekly recap tomorrow as usual, I just finished writing it. It wasn’t on until tonight, recaps always go up the next day.

  • aka55

    Thank goodness spring has arrived; the dead of winter left to sober up in OC! They’re yesterday’s news…period. And in comes Bethenney like a breath of fresh air. She’s witty, tough, intelligent, hard-working, & refreshingly honest. Bless her; she says what many, if not most of us think! The ‘Greek Chorus of the Housewives”… brilliant metaphor, Amanda. As always, well done! I love to laugh & her acerbic wit suits my taste in humor. She is not mean, merely observant & able to effectively articulate absurdity; the mark of a keen intellect.

    I feel sorry for those of you who can focus only on what you perceive to be her physical beauty or lack thereof. You have & will most likely continue to miss out on that which is most valuable in the human experience. Bethenney is a study in true beauty!

    And, as has no “real housewife” before or since, she has taken the opportunities presented by the series & has turned them into a successful second chance. That’s beauty in its purest form!

    One further observation, she is the 1st to acknowledge & encourage success in others & always the 1st to acknowledge both her shortcomings & her unfair slights to others. Open your eyes! Beauty is a far more valuable & rare quality than pretty!

    • Chris

      Bethenny is neither saint nor evil – like most people. She is certainly hard working and intelligent and witty. But she is also extremely aggressive. To everybody. I am not sure if I like her.
      And “turning your TV appearance into business success” – it just means that she used what she got, good for her, but it has nothing to do with inner beauty. Inner beauty means being compassionate, friendly, helpful, being generous with others and their flaws – qualities she has not shown that much (yet).
      Never mind, I am not sure if the housewives are friends at all. I mean, both Jill and Luann went through difficult times (cancer, divorce) and it seems that these women were not there for each other. The Housewives – it is ENTERTAINMENT – not more, not less.

      • aka55

        Bethenney Frankel does not hold herself out as a saint, nor was I. In fact, a part of her curiously endearing charm is her questionable edge. But I contend that Ms. Frankel’s contributions to health & wellness are certainly more than merely “entertainment”.

        You are also incorrect when you contend that she does not demonstrate compassion, kindness, and generosity. Quite the contrary, the 1st book she wrote, the one published late last spring (commonly referred to as the “Skinny Girl” book) is not a diet book, but a resource for healthy living. Although I’m not familiar with her newer publications, I don’t see how books on healthy pregnancy & positive thinking can be considered vapid or devoid of public benefit.

        The 1st book was given to me by a friend because I was battling not obesity, but another life threatening disease: cancer. The wealth of knowledge Ms. Frankel shares regarding the keys to the gaining and/or restoration of health are nothing short of remarkable. She promotes healthy eating, fitness, mental health, mind set and clean living as inexorably intertwined elements of a happy, sane, healthy, and safe lifestyle.

        Ms. Frankel helps her readers understand the genetic, biological & psychological elements that stand as barriers to personal happiness & health. And she promotes sane, sensible body images and choices. She advocates moderation, not starvation & occasional indulgence rather than unrealistic self-denial. But, of greatest importance to me was the knowledge she imparts about how the consumption & absorption of essential vitamins & minerals obtained from our food is about more than just eating the right things. She explains the interrelated mechanisms of nutrition in ways easily understood by all. Simple, yet previously unknown aspects of certain foods, like their propensity to cause inflammation, for example, has helped me manage, control & eradicate my disease. Her methods don’t run counter to current medical wisdom, they enhance treatment & accepted practices in disease management.

        She makes herself available for consultations and has always responded personally to requests for clarification or additional information.
        Her presentation of health & fitness is non-judgemental & comprehensive and, I suspect, it has helped far more people than just me. It unlikely would not have been a NY Times non-fiction bestseller for so long had it not been found to be of benefit & interest to many.

        By the way, did I mention that the friend who gave me the book is a also physician? He had heard about it from several of his patients as well as his colleagues. He had purchased a copy for his practice’s library &, as a dear friend, helped me tremendously by giving me a copy. That, by the way, was my introduction to the RHNYC.

        So she’s a little snarky & sometimes more than a little caustic in her comments to & about whining, feckless, self-indulgent, ego maniacs. As I said earlier, it simply adds to her charm! My overall health & the fact that with better nutritional habits I have remained cancer free for over 7 months is far more important to me than the personal feelings of her fellow “housewife”.
        That, I contend, is the real entertainment.

        I continue to maintain that Bethenney Frankel fits the definition of beautiful; both inside & out. My 3 thankful children agree with me.

        And as far as your comment about her so-called aggressiveness, I hate to play the sexist card; however, if she were a man, what you referred to as aggressiveness wouldn’t even be an issue. Self-assured, confident, a go-getter maybe, but were she a male, she wouldn’t be called aggressive.

        Once again, open your eyes! Peace :)

  • sevilla

    So…does anyone have any thoughts about where the next Housewives are going to come from? They’ve covered the 4 corners of the US just about…so what’s next? They haven’t done one in the Pacific Northwest / Seattle…

    • Next to new seasons are going to be DC and Beverly Hills, Bravo has confirmed it.

    • Matthew

      Is Seattle pretentious enough to have that kind of Housewives show? I’m being serious. Not to say there aren’t pretentious people in Seattle, but do they have all the high-society events that the other cities do? Stereotypically, everyone in Seattle wears REI all the time.

      BTW, “ya dumb drag queen” is one of the funniest moments of all the RH franchises. Every time I think of it I laugh, and I kinda want to hug Bethenny for it.

  • Joy

    they are pretty :D :P

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