As my fellow recapper Richard Lawson of Gawker said on Twitter last night, two new episodes of Real Housewives in one night is basically my D-Day. Luckily for me, nothing happened on Real Housewives of Orange County except Lynne’s kids acting like the two most stereotypical underage drunks in the history of forever, so that simplifies my job a bit.
The Real Housewives of New York City, however, brought it like the camera-hungry famewhores they are. For that, I love them. Sadly, however, it’s been so long since I’ve seen the show that I can’t remember who hates who, and it seems like the housewives themselves are a little confused about it. To make up for that, they’re now just all fighting with each other, and fighting with Bethenny in particular. I guess they’ve all figured out by now that she’s the favorite…can someone remind these women that jealousy isn’t a good look?
But before we get into that, we have to send our Orange County housewives tottering off into the sunset with their drunk children and awful husbands and various plastic and/or silicone body parts. Let’s say both hello and goodbye, after the jump.
It was the end of a season (an era?) in Orange County, and not a minute too soon. Exactly two moderately interesting things happened at the party that took up the entire episode: first, Tamra had a screaming match with Simon in a limo before the end-of-the-season get together and told him that he wanted a divorce. Not exactly a surprise, since we already knew that Simon had filed for divorce. Stupid TV lead times, they ruin all the surprises! Second, Lynne’s aforementioned hot mess daughters showed up hammered.
Let’s talk about the drunk teenagers first. They weren’t drunk when they left the house, they got that way in the limo with their parents present, although Lynne says that they were doing it all sneaky-like at the other end of the seat. Right. That just means that Lynne was high on whatever it is that she’s always on, and her slack-jawed husband was probably distracted by a shiny object or trying to remember how to spell his own name or something.
They got to the party and the girls proceeded to bust into the place like it was an underage club and pout when their mom wouldn’t let them continue to drink. Raquel got irritated and blew that popsicle stand, probably in search of a cheeseburger (I know that’s what I always want to do after a few cocktails), and then Alexa was That Girl. You know the one – she’s already drunk, sitting out on the curb, blubbering into her handbag about god knows what when you’re just pulling up to the club at 11:00. And then something magical happens, either real or imagined, and she’s ready to party again. There’s no explaining it, but one thing is for sure: you DO. NOT. WANT. to be that girl. Alexa is going to be That Girl for the rest of her life. Blame Lynne. Lynne didn’t appear to be overly concerned about any of this, but then again, it’s hard to tell after the facelift.
When That Girl grows up, she becomes Tamra, who also spent most of the party crying, but for a totally legitimate reason. Her life is screwed up, her husband sucks, and she’s finally unable to keep both of those facts below the surface anymore. Simon supervised her while she got dressed, berated her over every dress she chose, and then threw some bowling trip with her kids in her face on the way to the party.
But Tamra surprised me. Instead of being a nonsensical mess when she finally sat in the corner to talk about her problems with Vicki (while her husband was telling everyone else at the other side of the room how great they were doing), she was everything that housewives are contractually obligated not to be – self-aware, contrite, realistic. She understood that Simon used her kids against her and that his hatred for Vicki was just misplaced rage at her desire for independence, and she was able to articulate it effectively while sobbing in public. Is Tamra a smart person in disguise? Can we give her her own show to find out?
In the end, however, that was all that happened. No one else did anything interesting. Gretchen and Slade aren’t engaged, Vicki and Donn are still improbably the sanest couple on the show, and Alexis and Alpha Douche Jim are still the worst advertisement ever for Christianity. Possibly for all of organized religion. I hope that they take up some sort of missionary cause in a third world country and we never, ever have to see them again.
On to something fresh – well, maybe not fresh, but different than Orange County. The New York housewives wasted absolutely no time getting down to business – they were brawling from the jump off last night, and they continued to argue for an hour straight about who was fake, who was real, and who was going to pick up the check. Seriously – the check. It matters a lot to these women. Bethenny and LuAnne got in a fight at a Hamptons bar over whether or not Bethenny should have paid for LuAnne’s surfing lesson a year ago (she shouldn’t have, LuAnne is a moron), and then they got in a fight over Bethenny’s snarky comments, which was followed almost immediately by her calling LuAnne a “dumb drag queen” in the private interviews, which was so brilliant that it made my entire life. I am going to be calling everyone I know a dumb drag queen for at least a week. Maybe longer.
There were also some issues with Ramona on a boat, which she apparently just rented to create a captive audience to hawk her jewelry business. People seemed miffed and Ramona cried, but then they took tequila shots out of wine glasses and moved on to talking smack about Bethenny, who wasn’t present because she and Jill now hate each other.
Jill says that Bethenny was rude and nasty to her in a phone message, which is probably true. Bethenny said that Jill is a meddling, fight-picking mean girl, which is also probably true. There was a lot of Bethenny-bashing in this show, however, and the more that it went on, the more the real reason became clear – these women are practically choking on their jealousy over her.
Bethenny has had two books on the New York Times bestseller list, she has a nationally distributed liquor brand, people actually like her. She’s winning the series thus far – she’s the most effective of the famewhores. LuAnne made fun of her for pulling up to the bar in a SkinnyGirl branded car, but Bethenny made a very prescient point that seemed to go over LuAnne’s head – Bethenny is making BANK because of it.
It’ll be interesting to see if Bethenny holds out for the full season or quits the show for her new spinoff halfway through, but seeing all these adults so absolutely green with envy will probably get a little old. Or maybe it won’t – maybe they’ll spend every episode duking it out, and I’ll love Real Housewives all over again. One thing is clear, however – our New Yorkers definitely beat out the OC tonight.
One question though – where was Alex? I’ve always liked her. More Alex and Bethenny, please! They’re the only ones that I don’t want to punch in the throat.