rhoc vicki

I…just…I mean…

Alexis thinks God talks directly to her.

Not in, like, a metaphorical way.

Like, in words.

I wish God would give me hints about life every now and then. I wish he would have told me two days ago to shine a flashlight in my mouth and look in the mirror, because then I would have already known that my tonsils are infected again and I would probably already be on antibiotics. But instead, I snuggled up in my jammies last night with my laptop to watch The Real Housewives of Orange County while already nauseous and dizzy.

Surprise: It didn’t help.

Where even to begin…the mix of lunacy and idiocy in this show is thick enough to choke a pony. The mind, it reels.

In this episode, Alexis, Tamra, and Lynn actually managed to make big enough fools of themselves that I found myself LIKING VICKI. I HATE THEM FOR MAKING ME LIKE VICKI. Do you you know how horrible people have to be in order to make me feel any kind of positive feelings for that woman? I can’t figure out a way to quantify it, so if you can, please help me out in the comments. And then there’s Gretchen, who is totally winning this season so far, but we’ll get in to that in a moment.

Let’s start with Lynn, because all she did in this episode was get a stupid face lift. And buy her already-beautiful teenage daughter a stupid nose job. It’s not like I’m anti-plastic surgery. Someone want to pay for me to have a nose job? Sign me up. The thing is, though, we’re in the unique position of knowing that these people get kicked out of their house in a few episodes for not paying THOUSANDS of dollars worth of rent. Lynn chose a face lift over having a place for her kids to live. On the other hand, I guess, if she was a good decision-maker, she probably wouldn’t be on this show.

The meat of this episode, though, was really the dynamic between Vicki and Don, Alexis and Sleazy McSleazerson (really, I can’t remember his name), and Tamra and Simon. Alexis and her husband have one of the most backward, controlling, screwed up marriages that I’ve ever seen depicted on television. Simon? Simon aspires to the level of control and psychosis that they have in their relationship! Don? Don thinks they’re crazy, and he’s right, but Simon thinks Vicki is uppity and he’s worried that she’ll give Tamra ideas about workin’ and book learnin’ and all those other uppity feminist notions. Simon and Tamra are about to lose their house, so the WORST thing that she could be doing right now is working outside their home, right? Of course. Even though all he’s doing is…tequila promotions?

In order for all of these patronizing feelings to become clear, Don and the two douchebags had to go on a little golf outing where they all shanked balls for a while and then had drinks. Sleazy had a cigar, in order to signal to everyone that he was the Alpha Douche of the group. The subject of an impending Girls Trip to Florida (why do people living near the beach need to go to Florida?) came up, and Sleazy let it be known that he does not “allow” his wife to travel without him and never will, and in order to suck up to the Alpha Douche, Beta Douche Simon agreed with him about how, ya know, there’s a man’s place in a relationship and his wife just wasn’t going 3000 miles away without him, man. Because then she might realize how nice it is not to have him around.

More or less, it seems like Sleazy and Simon don’t actually think that their wives are people with agency over their own decisions and the ability to reason and form cohesive thoughts. They treat them more like pets. And, actually, when you think about it from that perspective, it sort of makes sense. I certainly wouldn’t let my bulldog, Lucy, go on vacation to Florida with her friends from her puppy class. She might run off with another family or something, and that would be terrible! Because Lucy is a dog, and she’s not rational. That, and she doesn’t wear a watch, so she wouldn’t know what time to go to the airport to catch her flight home. And, ya know, no thumbs, so hitchhiking back is out of the question. To Simon and Sleazy, that’s sort of how their wives are. I don’t think it’s outside the realm of possibility that they feel the same about women as a whole.

Which means, of course, that Don is abnormal and has a weird marriage. His wife, Vicki, has a personality and a successful career and is even allowed to leave the house without signing out on the sheet by the door, the horror! I may not always like Vicki’s personality – and her husband may not either – but they at least appear to respect each other as individuals, admit when they have problems, and then try to fix them together. That’s decidedly healthier than Simon and Tamra’s situation, where he tells everyone (including her) that they have a perfect relationship while she silently seethes and then complains to the cameras later, when he’s not around.

And if Alexis’s body language during her lunch with Gretchen (we’re going to ignore the horrible nail appointment with her babies for the benefit of my sanity) was any indication, she may be starting to chafe under her husband’s control as well. It seemed like she had the speech about the Godliness of her husband and marriage memorized, since she probably has to make it very time her husband humiliates her in public or she has to explain why she’s not allowed to come out and play with her friends. During some of the most ridiculous parts (mostly about how “Godly” her husband is), she couldn’t even manage to look at Gretchen.

(Side note: I hate when people use “I’m from the Midwest” as some sort of excuse for being backward or ignorant and for setting a terrible relationship model for their children. People use “I’m from the South” as the same sort of excuse, and let me make it clear: people in the Midwest and the South have the internet. We have TV! Ignorance in this day and age is a choice, no matter where you come from. Don’t be a lazy snot and blame the example you’re setting for your daughters on the region that you’re from, Alexis.)

All of this stuff is why, as I mentioned before, Gretchen is winning this season so far. If I had to listen to someone like Alexis gush about how great it is to be controlled and condescended to all day, the look of abject horror that would come over my face would be unmistakable and probably take the conversation to whole new levels of uncomfortable. Gretchen, being somehow far more adept at keeping her mouth shut than I would have been, managed to make a few self-deprecating jokes (that were actually funny!) and steer the conversation out of truly horrifying territory, all the while being pretty diplomatic about why she prefers her relationships to be a little different. After that, she got her motorcycle license and made fun of Slade for his lesser skill at driving one. She’s really starting to make the others look bad.

  • HandbagReport

    I enjoyed the recap! Sleazy McSleazerson is super controlling! It was funny watching Alpha Douche and Beta Douche look at Don as if he’s crazy for allowing Vicki to have her own life. I’m starting to like Vicki more too which is quite disturbing, considering how much I’ve enjoyed hating her. The dog analogy puts it into perspective. I won’t bother commenting on the mommy-daughter plastic surgery visit. Alexis and her relationship with God is odd. Gretchen is still my favorite! I’ll check back with you next week!

    • Paris1

      Tamra’s marriage is obviously in the crapper this season. I predict Alexis will eventually wake up and shove that buffoon to the curb. I am stunned that Vicki is the “normal” one this season, probably the most disliked in old episodes. She definitely watched previous outtakes and made an adjustment. I’ll take her annoying craziness any day over those other train wrecks. Gretchen is just having fun, who can fault her for that?

      Lynn, as usual, blends into the wallpaper. Facelift and all…

  • Jane

    Perfect recap, you need to sit with Andy Cohen Live to discuss each episode. I would love to watch you to dissect each episode. I wonder what drink you would have with Andy?

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      CALL ME, ANDY COHEN! In fact, everyone should tell him on Twitter to read my recaps, he’s @BravoAndy (and I’m @PBAmanda).

      I would have the same cocktail that he does, actually – a Maker’s Mark & ginger ale, except I’d want Blenheim’s Ginger Ale in it because it’s spicy. Adds a little somethin’. Specific, I know, but it’s my favorite!

      • Jane

        I sure will!!!!

  • Handbag Lover

    Girlfriend, Perfect….lmao. Too funny! I was hoping you would do “Launch my Line” as well. There is enough material in there for you to become a stand up comedian. (lol)

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      Thanks! And I’m holding out for “Kell on Earth.” I will absolutely be recapping that. From what I’ve seen of “Launch My Line,” though, those people are cray-cray. I would also recap Top Chef if it were even tangentially fashion-related (KEVIN GOT ROBBED!!!1!)

      • Handbag Lover

        Yeah, I wanted him or Jennifer to win as well. Well something will come on soon. Keep doing what you are doing because I have had a tough year and this really makes me feel so much better. Laughter really does help you when you are down. :)

        Talk to you soon, Lady! Love my purse blog fam! :)

  • JenG

    I know this may sound crazy, but God will speak to you. He uses his Holyspirit to do so. I know some maynot understand what I am saying. I am a Christian and I often ask for guidance and direction and he always answer. Thanks for the recap!

    • PerkyPeach

      I totally agree with you JenG. Having a personal relationship with God and talking to him is quite normal. Christians do it all of the time. I just think Alexis and her husband probably need to ask for guidance on how to dress. Like Gretchen said, wearing skimpy clothing and exposing your “lures” is not very Godly.

  • Terri

    I haven’t watched TRHOC for several seasons but your recap was so discriptive ( and probably better than the show ) that I felt I was watching it as I was reading. I agree with Jane about you and Andy dishing about the show. I was laughing out loud and you made me smile in this hectic season!!

  • Linda

    Your recaps are great. Definitely better than the show.

  • 19yearslater

    The only “Real Housewives” I watch is “Real Housewives of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon,” but your recaps are so funny I read them anyway. Now I don’t have to watch the show! Why would God speak in words to a crazy housewife? What does she think God is telling her?

  • Sherrie M

    Amanda! I love love love your recaps. I watch the show and wait for your recap wringing my hands in hot anticipation. Muahhhaha. Love it.

  • isis715

    Great Recap, and btw, over at TWOP, Sleazy McSleazerson is known as Taliban Jim, just thought I’d share.

  • Diane

    The recaps you write are beyond descriptive…beyond even caring about watching the show…I can’t bear to miss your recaps…PERIOD! Thanks!

  • Mama Bird

    Is it me or do they, RHOC, think we have forgotten that they are all broke except for Vicki. So facelifts, nose jobs, not wanting your wife to work, seems rather stupid.

  • Sher77

    When Alexis started talking about her Godly husband, I lost it!!! That man Sleazy, do you know what he does for a living?? All of those guys, looked like they do NOT regularly play golf. Don is less annoying of the bunch. I think Vicky is really trying to be liked this season. Amanda, you do a great job. I will definitely Facebook or tweet Andy. Keep up the good work. Sorry about the toncils.

  • mochababe73

    The reason why Alexis and Tamra’s husbands behave the that they do is because their wives ALLOW it.

  • Explorer

    People like Alexis and her husband (I liked “Taliban Jim” above) are one reason I question the notion of Christianity at all. I’d rather be like Gretchen, who is at least honest and tries to treat people right, that be “saved” and be self-centered and vain, like Alexis, or mean and controlling, like TJ. None of those behaviors are Christ-like in the least.

  • Christina

    I LOVE your recap. And I do not even bother to watch the show anymore.

  • Wankiema

    Best recap so far!

  • Lisa

    I agree with Explorer. Using Christianity as a way to defend your choices is just plain ignorant. (As are Alexis and “Taliban Jim” – which I am using from now on too. Love it!) I just can’t stand Taliban Jim’s self righteousness and Alexis’ attempt to “explain” herself. Good point that she couldn’t even look Gretchen in the eye during her explanation. I am also in agreement that TJ gets away with it because Alexis allows it. Is it really worth all that money to be with him? I’d trade daily manicures and work out classes any day for my self-respect!

    I am also a big fan of your recaps and look forward to them every week! Keep them up!

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  • niftyk

    conversationswithwolfy.com the ugly truth about vicki