Last night was sort of an in-between episode of Real Housewives of Orange County – all of the wives had returned from Canada, no less rude for it, and most of the drama that happened there didn’t get much of a push forward during the most recently episode. The cast chatted, both amongst themselves and with their respective spouses, and it served as a bit of a helpful primer on where all the various feuds and alliances currently stand. It wasn’t an exciting episode, but perhaps one that was…entertaining enough. Yes, that’s what we’ll call it.
1. One of the furs in Gretchen’s suitcase looked suspiciously like her dogs. Her dogs also seemed confused and intrigued by it.
2. They blurred out Heather’s last name when they showed Gretchen’s phone. Are we not supposed to know Heather’s last name? Has anyone told the Internet that? Or the producers, for that matter? Wasn’t there a whole storyline about Heather’s last name last season?
3. Heather and her husband still might build a new house to accommodate their accidental fourth child. This prospective new house, if you’ll remember, was the fake-y intro that Heather had way back in her first episode of the show, way back when Tamra was pretending to be a real estate agent and we were all supposed to believe that might be her new career. Well, apparently someone off the street offered the couple over $16 million for the house, even though they hadn’t listed it, but they might go ahead and sell it because then they can buy the highest point in the world and/or county!
4. Tamra set her own wedding date, thankyouverymuch. Eddie still doesn’t seem all that jazzed about getting married, but he said he’d show up if Tamra took care of making it happen, so she set her own date and Eddie said it was fine. That moment when your fiance declares that he doesn’t care and you unilaterally set your own wedding date so that people will stop speculating about whether or not you’re really ever going to get married is what all little girls grow up dreaming about, I’m pretty sure.
5. Vicki still thinks her vodka line is a thing. Not only that, but Brooks seems to be pulling a paycheck from it, despite his alleged recreational porn star activities and the fact that he and Vicki are no longer an item. Brooks, being a grifter of some apparent experience, is in it for the long con.
6. I watched this episode with someone who hadn’t seen the show in years. “Wait, who is that? Was that the same person who they just showed in the interview?” “No, that’s the person she’s arguing with.” “Wait, what?” “Red shirt. The person in the interview is the person currently wearing the red shirt.” “Why do they all have the same hair?” “Because it’s legally required in Orange County, as best as I can tell.” “Then why does that one woman have brown hair?” “Uh…well, she’s married to a plastic surgeon, and plastic surgeons are revered as gods in this culture, so she gets special privileges.”
7. The members of Lydia’s life group actually looked like normal, non-reality TV people. Well, except for the girl with the blonde Housewives curls and the bedazzled forehead strap. She was super excited to be on TV.
8. Alexis had an audition. I could hear Heather faintly wail off camera as soon as she said it. If only she could have seen Alexis drawing stick-figures on the back of her script to enhance her performance, she might not have been so upset in my imagination.
9. Gretchen’s song came at the very end and I got all hopeful that it might not actually happen. I should know better than to get hopeful about this show, because it always finds a way to be worse than you ever thought it could be. Not only was Gretchen recording a song, but it was a song for Slade. Not only was it a song for Slade, but it was a proposal. Everything is actually much worse than it seems like it is on the surface, which is maybe the greatest lesson that Real Housewives has to teach us on the whole.
10. Listening to Gretchen sing reminded me of being a child. I can’t sing, at all, and I used to make my parents and brother (and grandparents, if they hadn’t managed to escape the room already) sit in a row on the couch and listen to me perform concerts. It was annoying then, I’m sure, but they indulged me because I was six. Gretchen, I’m pretty sure, is not six.
11. So is Lauri lying, or is Brooks? If there’s a way that they can both be lying, then that seems like it would be the most likely scenario. Lauri said that Brooks was sleeping with a porn star, Brooks said he hadn’t done anything with anyone since he and Vicki broke up. So maybe he didn’t bang that friend of Lauri’s daughter, but he did bang someone. That’s a way that they could both be lying! I feel like that must be what happened.