I tend to think it’s bad new for a Housewives franchise when an episode that objectively should have been highly entertaining fails to get me excited. Last night’s shenanigans on Real Housewives of Orange County, from taxi-jumping to bed-peeing, didn’t do much to move the needle on my imaginary excitement meter. Perhaps it’s my personal fatigue at watching grown women act like children, or maybe Vicki in particular simply sucks all the air out of the room. I’m not sure, but although there’s plenty to discuss from last night’s crazy episode, I’m not feeling that good ol’ reality TV enthusiasm for any of it.
1. The show more or less opened with Tamra putting her crotch on some dude’s face. I wish I were exaggerating that, or, even better, making it up entirely, but I am not. I witnessed a mother of three (four?) squatting on a stranger’s face on top of a bar in Mexico. Continuing the tradition of climbing on things, Tamra then ran out into the street and jumped on the hood of a taxi, because apparently Tamra’s a soccer hooligan. Once they got home, Tamra and Vicki inspected each others’ feet in the driveway after they fell out of the limo-truck and then Vicki peed in Tamra’s bed. They ARE soccer hooligans.
2. Tamra woke up Heather in the middle of the night so that they could have the dramatic confrontation in the wee hours, drunk. For a moment, I thought perhaps Tamra wasn’t that drunk, because she had enough of her faculties about her to know that a middle of the night drunken conversation would be a bad idea and that they should be quiet coming into the room. Once they actually got inside, though, all of that sense went out the window and they burst into Heather’s room to wake her up. Because the most constructive dialogs always happen when one party is half asleep and the other is three sheets to the wind!
3. Vicki can’t even be opaque about her intentions anymore. I think we’re all pretty sick of Vicki by now, so I know I’m preaching to the choir, but seriously – what a nasty piece of work. In the limo, Vicki flipped out at Gretchen for being upset over getting left when they had all already admitted that they did a bad thing and were sorry. (Whether or not they had actually admitted that is up for debate.) In her interview, Vicki blamed Heather and Gretchen for the debacle because they had the temerity to go to the bathroom. Here’s the reality: Vicki saw her chance to commandeer the trip (and her friend) from Gretchen, and she took it, even though it was clearly a crappy, wrong thing to do. She admitted as much while drunk.
4. Vicki thinks Gretchen should look at her as a mentor. Do you know how painful it is when Diet Coke comes out of your nose? I experienced it last night when Vicki revealed that she sees herself as a woman worthy of emulation. I’m going to sue her for damages.
5. Tamra is definitely in some hardcore therapy. We’ve been talking about this all season, but her explanation of why she’s drawn to people like Vicki – because their relationships are entirely surface-level and unchallenging – made so much sense that it had to be something she and a professional had gone through at length. Vicki is so screwed up and lacks so much self-awareness that of course she never goes deep with Tamra about her past or her demons. Vicki can’t even look sideways at her own demons, and Tamra’s burgeoning self-awareness needs more than that. Not that Gretchen is any great thinker, of course, but she’s at least capable of incrementally more emotional transparency than Vicki is.
6. “Who wouldn’t want to have a blinged-out whip?” A fair question, Heather. A fair question.
7. You can’t show an anatomically correct dildo on cable television. The more you know.
8. The Puerto Vallarta strippers didn’t really strip. What they did do, though, is wear silly little bullfighting costumes and when take their dongs out and quasi-consensually rub Tamra’s head on them. Putting this out there now: If I ever trick some dude into marrying me, anyone who invites a stripper to my bachelorette party to molest me is getting stabbed with a fork. There is nothing less sexy than a male stripper.
9. Unless the male stripper is Channing Tatum. The exception who proves the rule.