Real Housewives of Orange County

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was so boring that I may or may not have had a quarter-life crisis during it. (Or a third-life crisis, because let’s face it, my liver isn’t making it to 100-plus.) Which of my life decisions had lead me to that place, where I was willfully sitting through an hour of manufactured drama, except that the producers didn’t even have the common courtesy to make it actually dramatic. And if I could identify the choices I had made that lead me to watching that episodes of Real Housewives, would it be too late to go back and change them? The episode mercifully ended before I came up with any answers, but I did come up with a recap.

1. Husbands who are used to childcare aren’t great at pitching in, even if they mean well. Just ask my mom, who came home one day during my toddlerhood to find that I had crawled up the stairs and was eating a sponge in her bathroom. I think my dad was watching a baseball game. At least Terry didn’t let any of his kids eat foreign objects. (Don’t get me wrong, my dad is great.) (But that actually did happen.) (He got better at it.)

2. Lauri! I always liked Lori. Or at least I think I did, because it’s been about 800 years since her seasons of Real Housewives were on the air and I only vaguely remember her. She made perhaps the most graceful exit from Real Housewives ever, though – she got married to a super-rich guy, to whom she is still married, and she left to live a life of leisure. She and Tamra got together to gossip about Vicky, apparently, but mostly I just spent that time ignoring them and trying to remember things about Lauri. All I came up with was her Austin Scarlett wedding dress.

3. Lydia’s mom might still be a pothead, maybe. That shouldn’t come as, like, a huge surprise to anyone who saw her a few episodes ago, but instead of the conversation being light-hearted and funny, it was a little somber. Growing up with a mom who’s constantly on anything, even something as relatively benign as weed, has to be a bummer. But then again, jeez, Lydia, quit harshing your mom’s mellow.

4. Alexis isn’t good at defining words. In her defense, everything her acting coach was saying to her also sounded totally made up. Forrest Gump didn’t become Tom Hanks. That’s idiocy. Also, Alexis’ “interest” in acting only exists so that she can have a storyline even though no one will hang out with her, so I refuse to dignify it with a response.

5. I forgot Gretchen was on the show. Was she in the episode last week? Did I totally space on her existence? Until that (leased, natch) Rolls Royce came around the bend, Gretchen hadn’t crossed my mind once in the entire episode, which is probably bad news for Gretchen.

6. No one can name a single thing that Heather has ever acted in. Despite the fact that Tamra and Lydia both had ample time to look at Heather’s IMDB profile, neither of them bothered to. Hell, I’ve had a year to do it and still haven’t. WWHL did feature a clip of her on Married With Children, though, so there’s that.

7. Are television tapings a party? I ask because it seemed strange that everyone got dressed up and took limos to LA to see Heather film a guest part in a cable show. On the upside, the entire cast managed to behave themselves and sit in their seats for the entire thing, except for Gretchen, who chose that exact moment to learn how to use an iPhone. While I always appreciate good behavior, having such a large part of the episode hinge on an event where most of the cast was required to be silent for an extended period of time was probably not the best idea that Bravo producers have ever had. We don’t tune in to watch these women sit silently and applaud politely.

8. The good behavior did not spill over into dinner. It never does. Never! Tamra and Vicky calmly called each other names with fake smiles on their faces and Gretchen claimed Slade had bought her a Rolls Royce when he had actually just leased it. By normal Real Housewives standards, though, the entire thing was pretty tame. Just like the episode as a whole.

  • Dawn

    I saw what you did there with Vickie s photo. It took me a minute.

  • Amy

    Slade didn’t even lease her a Rolls – that implies he’s paying – he just put her in a position to up her car payment. Awesome.

    • kate

      yeah, that confused me to. If someone did that to me, I’d be like, um…thanks for using my money to get me something I’m not sure if I can afford.

      • kate

        sorry..meant ‘too’, not ‘to’ :).

  • Canuck65

    I think its mean and juvenile what you did to Vicky’s photo. Shame on you.

  • Purseblogluvr

    Amanda, I love you. I laugh at your blogs. I think you are above nonsense. That being said, although I detest Vickie I cannot bear that you stooped to this level by altering her photo. Please remove it; you only remain above the fray if you don’t participate in it.

    • LuvleyJubley

      Amanda did not alter Vicky’s photo. This photo is real.

      • Guest

        True. She put the nose on and asked Slade how he liked it. I was so glad to see that she has a sense of humor.

  • winterpenny

    I’m not sure if the comments below are joking, but that picture is straight from the show, not doctored!
    Totally boring episode. Not sure on the Rolls Royce (which does not even fit Gretchen’s personality) and if Slade pays for the lease or just arranged for her to pay it. However, if he is paying for the lease…a couple hundred dollars extra a month isn’t a minor thing when he has a son with massive medical bills. It was funny watching Tamra getting ticked at Gretchen and Slade and then Gretchen getting jealous of Vicky and Tamra trying to get along.

  • Sandi

    Whats wrong with the photo of Vicki wearing one of Heathers disguise presents from one of the guests?? I think its very funny!! Vicki even asked Slade what he thought of it. Since we all know Slade has called her ”Miss piggy” in the past. I think your recap to a boring episode is awesome!!!

  • niknak34

    Slade’s birthday gift to Gretchen was a terrible idea. I think Gretchen would’ve appreciated a new Ford Fiesta if Slade paid for it himself. Gretchen really loves Slade, so there must be something there that the rest of us haven’t seen. This season has been incredible to watch; I can’t wait to see what happens next. I’m starting a new work schedule at DISH, so I will miss the next Real Housewives of Orange County when it airs. I’m not worried about missing any of the new episodes, because my DISH Hopper will be set to record it. This is the only DVR that can record up to 2,000 hours of my favorite shows. It makes it so easy to record the full season, and the full season of my other favorite programs that air the same night.

    • LuvleyJubley

      Spam Alert!

  • Guest

    Heather, who was called Heather Paige Kent at the time, was on a terrific TV show called “That’s Life.” Her co-stars were Paul Sorvino, Ellen Burstyn and Debi Mazar. It was on CBS, and made back in the day — you know, when TV shows had actual scripts, plot lines, and character development. Before cheap and easily produced “reality” trash became the order of the day.

    OF COURSE her “Real Housewives” cast mates don’t remember this because: a.) they are b*tch*e looking to throw shade and b.) you have to have a certain intellectual ability to appreciate programs like the one Heather was in, and they are utterly lacking on that score. In any event, Heather has had a long and varied career, both on TV and in the theater. She is clearly out of place on the RH franchise, so I hope that she uses this time to jump start her career and get out of “reality” TV.

    What I remember about Lauri was that she had a drug-addicted son whom she essentially abandoned. If memory serves, he was homeless and actually lived for a time with Slade’s ex-wife. So while Lauri was off in Austin Scarlett land, she was forgetting to be a mom. I’m glad to hear that her son survived his “parenting” and has made a decent life for himself.

    • CarrotTop

      Wow! Kind of “judge-y” doncha think?

      • Guest

        Totally. And I’m not ashamed to own it.

    • Melisandre

      Lol, Hi Terri?