Well look at what we have here – a full recap during Fashion Week! Luckily, Tuesday was my slowest day of the season and I got an opportunity to sit down and properly watch Real Housewives of Orange County, which moved at as quick a pace as the premiere did. I’m not entirely sure why, because basically nothing of consequence happened, but the episode clipped along at an entertaining speed nonetheless. Maybe Bravo hired a new editor?

Whatever the reason, everyone dry-heaving at the sight of crawfish and the mini tour that we got of of New Housewife Heather’s house (and elevator) seemed like more fun than they should have. I’m not complaining, I’m just saying – hopefully Bravo can keep this up for the rest of the season. Give that new editor a raise.

Last week seems about 800 years ago to me, probably because of Fashion Week, but after a few seconds I realized that we started exactly where the season premiere had left off: Vicki’s gotta-use-my-house-before-my-divorce-is-final party. The main conflict at the party seemed to be Pegatha and Alexis in The Great Earth Jesus Love Triangle, and apparently Alexis is mad at Peggy for not meddling in her marriage and telling her that she used to schtup Earth Jesus, even though Earth Jesus had told her never to mention it to Alexis, ever, and if she did he’d smite her to hell. Alexis was mad at Peggy, though. Naturally. With women like Alexis, it’s always another woman’s fault because her husband is perfect. Him, make a mistake? Nooooo ma’am. Just look at him in his track suit, with his beer belly spilling over the elastic waistband. That’s a perfect creature.

They talked some more about things that didn’t directly have to do with Earth Jesus, such as Peggy’s daughter’s broken arm. When she found out that the kid had pins in her bones but wouldn’t have to have them forever, Alexis felt like she had won and promptly wandered off, probably to find a shiny surface in which to regard herself. You see, Alexis has a permanent rod in her leg, which makes her way cooler than the toddler with the broken arm. So there. Alexis triumphs again.

In further conflicts, Newbie Heather inserted herself into some kind of conversation with a stranger about engagements, and she lectured the woman about how she’s not really engaged until her husband coughs up a ring. The monetary investment was very important to her, and the outburst meant that the random anonymous brunette friend gave her side-eye for the rest of the evening although never actually summoned up the balls to pick a fight. On a certain level, I’m actually inclined to agree with Heather, but then I’m reminded that my dad didn’t buy my mom an engagement ring and they’ve been married for 30 years. And then I feel a little bad about my first reaction.

Anyway, once everyone sat down to eat, the awkward moments continued. Tamra complained that she had Fritos in her soup, and in fairness to her, what she held up actually did look like a Frito. Tamra’s trailer park, she knows a Frito when she sees one. Once the second course came out, a low country boil served family style, everyone at the table showed just how narrow their worlds are by acting completely revolted at the sight of seafood with shells on it. Vicki had already told them that the dinner party would be cajun-themed, and a low country boil is about as basic and accessible and delicious as cajun food gets. I grew up in the South, and fraternities and sororities at my college used to throw low country boils for fundraisers. Has none of these women really ever encountered a crawfish?

While everyone was rudely complaining about being expected to expand their culinary horizons, Alexis and Pegatha somehow got into it again over god knows what. Once Alexis decided that there was not enough ketchup available for her taste, she got up to stomp back to her sterile McMansion and eat some Cheerios for dinner. Peggy followed her out to the car in an attempt to bury the hatchet (or just start a bigger fight, probably), but she was rebuffed and Alexis continued her her journey come to eat packaged food (at least until Earth Jesus came by to swat it out of her hand).

Our next stop was Heather’s house, where we met her family and got a tour of her home. Unlike most of the boring, cookie cutter, shoddily constructed “mansions” that the rest of the wives live in, Heather’s house was genuinely palatial and clearly a custom build. It included a huge foyer for parties, a movie theater and even an elevator. And Heather’s closet? Heather’s closet. We spent a few minutes with the family making challah bread and finding out that the DuBrows are Jewish Buddhists, and I would really love to see Heather and Alexis get in a fight about religion. Please make that happen, Bravo.

We then made a brief stopover with Vicki, who was planning for a weekend jaunt with her new boyfriend, before settling in with Gretchen and Slade to hear Gretchen’s review of the party. Mostly Gretchen was upset about someone being pretentious, and although I didn’t hear exactly who they were talking about, I’m betting it was Heather. Heather is a little pretentious. To be perfectly honest, I’m impressed that Gretchen was able to summon up that word from within that ghost town skull of hers.

The next thing we knew, Tamra, Vicki and Vicki’s new boyfriend Brooks were headed…somewhere. I’m guessing they said where, but I have Fashion Week ADD, and let’s be honest, it doesn’t really matter. They swung by to pick up Eddie, and then they were off! Off to pluck Eddie’s nose hairs. This show is absolutely stupefying, and I mean that in the least positive way possible.

Meanwhile, Gretchen was at a photo shoot to take some naked pictures for charity with one of her tacky handbags (in baby pink not-leather) for breast cancer awareness. She didn’t drop her pants, which were also pink, and I spent most of the scene trying to decide if what she was holding over her boobs was a cardboard cutout or one of the actual handbags. I never did entirely decide, but if it was an actual handbag, it was exceptionally shiny and flat and cardboard-looking.

Back with the middle-aged lovebirds, the group had arrived at some sort of establishment with overhead fluorescent lights and multicolored vinyl booths that looked an awfully lot like a bowling alley, except no one got up and bowled. Eddie and Vicki started joking around with each other in what seemed like a completely harmless way, and both Tamra and Brooks got upset for reasons that I still don’t entirely understand. Eddie then called Tamra a “f*cking idiot” for being upset, and although I agree that Tamra overreacted, Eddie’s corresponding overreaction was the kind of thing that no one should ever say to their significant other. Who calls their girlfriend that, period, let alone in front of other people or on camera?

At some point I realized that what I thought was a bowling alley was actually a boat, and while the cruise took off, Tamra and Eddie walked into some kind of closet to whisper-yell at each other about betrayal and inappropriateness and which one of them was a psycho who needed to calm down. (Hint: They never actually decided, so perhaps it’s both of them.) The pair eventually came out of the broom closet to talk on camera, wherein Eddie chided Tamra for putting another man’s hand on her boob. And…what? I didn’t see that. Did I miss it? I asked on Twitter last night, and no one else reported having seen it either. Is he referring to some previous incident about which Bravo has chosen to give us no context? Did she quickly put Brooks’ hand on her boob while I was typing? Am I taking crazy pills? Perhaps.

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  • Chicky

    She grabbed Brooks’ hand and placed it on her boob.  As you said…totally middle school.

    • Piperhallie

      Yup. Tamra grabbed Brooks’ hand an briefly put it in her boob because she was upset (like a juvenile) that Vicki and Eddie were being “lovey-dovey” and briefly held hands. She implied that Vicki was trying to steal her man, which I thought was an idiotic assumption.

    • AmandaMull

      You’re right, I saw a still of it after I posted this. They were all such a drunk, handsy mess that I didn’t catch it the first time around and I didn’t get a chance to watch the show twice like I usually do. 

  • Sthomas

    Tamra grabbed Brooks hands and put it on her boob. That didn’t surprise me, I expected that from Tamra. But what surprised me was both Eddie’s reaction and then Tamra’s while they were walking out. Both of them had no problem cursing at each other. I think that explains why Tamra continued to talk so much trash last season even though she was just so in love.
    I know I’m alone on this, but I don’t hate Alexis. She already told cameras that she confronted Jim and they hashed out their issues – I mean what else can she do? Divorce him for not telling her? I don’t know. But I do agree that she could forgive Peggy. But Peggy has spent a lot of time in her interviews claiming that Alexis is jealous and competitive, and so I can kind of see why I wouldn’t know how to handle my friendship with a friend of mine that not only kept a secret but also talks behind my back.
    Also Peggy seemed to be wanting to fight with Alexis, bringing up the ketchup story, which lets face it is silly

    • Sthomas

      I want to add that Alexis even said she replaced the dessert. So why in the world is Peggy bringing that up? And Alexis handled herself well when Peggy decided on camera would be a great time to revisit everything. You have to give the girl credit for being civil, even if she isn’t the smartest one in the group ;)
      And what’s up with Heather? She seemed so confident, but the way she talked to Gretchen showed that some women have to be a little demeaning to other women to feel good about themselves.

      • AmandaMull

        I think she actually said that she WOULD have replaced the dessert had Peggy asked her to, not that she did. And honestly, that sounds more like Alexis to me. I don’t think she’s purposefully spiteful most of the time because I think spite might be beyond her intelligence level, but she is kind of dim-wittedly thoughtless when it comes to others, which is the kind of personality that leads to someone squirting ketchup on someone else’s food and then not bothering to replace it unless specifically asked to do so. If she was really just horsing around, she would have ordered Peggy more food immediately and without prompting.

      • Sthomas

        Okay I watched that part again and I’m pretty sure Alexis said, “I went and got you another one, so it’s really no big deal. ” I had to check because I have a soft spot for Alexis. Everyone hates on her so much. Alexis is clearly not a fan favorite, but I think her thoughtlessness is so much more forgivable the terrible things the older cast mates have said and done.
        It was so strange when Peggy said Alexis was comparing to herself to Peggy’s four year old. I think Akexis was just trying to relate. Peggy seems insecure and confused.

  • NCGal

    “Alexis continued her her journey come to eat packaged food (at least until Earth Jesus came by to swat it out of her hand).” Classic, Amanda!
    Vicky’s boyfriend, Mississippi-Billy-Bob grabbed her boob in the boat over to Catalina Island. What led up to that were  (of course) a series of shots of tequilla and then Vicky and Eddie pretending to be hot for each other, faux-groping each other, etc., with Tamra seated in between. Tamra, the self-reported “mean drunk” didn’t like that, so she and Mississippi-Billy-Bob countered with their own little pretend groping where Tamra literally took Mississippi-Billy-Bob’s hand and smacked it right on her boob. Bam. Right on it. I saw it and was not confused. Eddie was outraged but handled it like a gentleman and told Mississippi-Billy-Bob that it was out of line and disrespectful and then turned to Tamra and told her the same thing…and then blew it and called her a fu***** idiot. Jesus. I think Vicky’s a bad drinker…she doesn’t seem to do well with booze, which is saying a lot because she is almost always drinking. She cries, gets rage-y, sloppy affectionate, overly sentimental, indignant, victim-y, loud and declamatory, and grandiose. Yeah, I am pretty sure Miss Vicky is alcoholic. Ugh. I love the addition of Heather. She is positive, articulate, interesting, bright, classy, confident, clearly in a healthy marriage with some discernible heat, and someone I would actually cross the street to meet. Tamra, Vicky, Pegatha, Alexis, and Gretchen and all of their respective partners (poor Eddie, cute but in a lay-down bimbo-y kind of way…snore) and their children are all so entitled, so outrageously cuckoo, so lacking in self-esteem, and frankly, for me getting more and more tedious by the season. Without Heather, I probably would haven’t bothered watching this season of the OC ladies. However, I am once again hooked and like a true junkie, I am planning and looking way to forward to the next fix, er, episode :)

    • Chicky

      “I love the addition of Heather. She is positive, articulate,
      interesting, bright, classy, confident, clearly in a healthy marriage
      with some discernible heat, and someone I would actually cross the
      street to meet.”

      Wow -that’s quite a judgment given we’ve only seen her for a total of maybe 10 minutes of screen time over 2 episodes.  I agree she looks to be a good addition but I personally haven’t seen enough yet to determine she has a) a healthy marriage or b) discernible heat. 

      • NCGal

        Ok, I’l bite…Not so much a judgment, “Chicky” as it is my opinion based on what I saw, what I interpreted: sweet kids who didn’t look or behave like they were haunted, a husband who showed genuine affection for her and them, the fact they they, as a family are practicing 2 ancient faith walks that involve deep commitment and discipline, her sense of humor is subtle, she dresses like Jackie O rather than a typical OC houchie-Mama, she is reserved and measured in her responses to the other OC cast members, she has performed and earned her chops with some of the most respected Hollywood actors and seems to, in spite of her participation in “the industry,” have maintained a dignified lifestyle. That is the information for which I base my post.

      • jomarie

        Can’t wait to see what happens when she gets her toes stepped on by the other “ladies”.

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  • Mirna

    Am I the only one who doesn’t like Eddie or think he’s cute?! I feel like he went for tamra even though he was cool with her husband. Not a stand up type of dude to me. And the nose hair scene was gross.

    • AmandaMull

      I’ve never had any problem with him, but I really didn’t like how he acted in this episode. I mean, they were all acting like children, but his anger struck me as a red flag.

  • Xvladines

    I saw the last part of the episode and Tamra does put Vicki’s boyfriend’s hand over her boob for a split second.  My husband would be fuming if I did that too! So I understand why he got mad but then again, he was playing around with Vicky in away that I wouldnt like my husband to be interacting with a friend……..

    • Reality Junkie

      Anyone who finds that “hand on boob” harmless fun, ask yourself this: what if your husband/boyfriend, when out on a double date, took the other woman’s hand and placed it squarely in between his legs. Just for a couple of seconds. Not so funny, is it?

      • Xvladines

        True!  I got a little mad at Eddie, beccause its like ok yeah your mad at your girlfriend, but then again even though it seemed harmless, he shouldn’t have been playing around with Vicky like that….

      • Reality Junkie

        I have to say, I didn’t think the Vicki thing was a big deal, but that’s just my opinion. I don’t think Vicki is attractive and she certainly is no threat to Tamra. So I thought Tamra’s retaliation was just way over the top.

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  • Evenly

    Who makes the purse Tamera had in the limo??

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