Well look at what we have here – a full recap during Fashion Week! Luckily, Tuesday was my slowest day of the season and I got an opportunity to sit down and properly watch Real Housewives of Orange County, which moved at as quick a pace as the premiere did. I’m not entirely sure why, because basically nothing of consequence happened, but the episode clipped along at an entertaining speed nonetheless. Maybe Bravo hired a new editor?
Whatever the reason, everyone dry-heaving at the sight of crawfish and the mini tour that we got of of New Housewife Heather’s house (and elevator) seemed like more fun than they should have. I’m not complaining, I’m just saying – hopefully Bravo can keep this up for the rest of the season. Give that new editor a raise.
Last week seems about 800 years ago to me, probably because of Fashion Week, but after a few seconds I realized that we started exactly where the season premiere had left off: Vicki’s gotta-use-my-house-before-my-divorce-is-final party. The main conflict at the party seemed to be Pegatha and Alexis in The Great Earth Jesus Love Triangle, and apparently Alexis is mad at Peggy for not meddling in her marriage and telling her that she used to schtup Earth Jesus, even though Earth Jesus had told her never to mention it to Alexis, ever, and if she did he’d smite her to hell. Alexis was mad at Peggy, though. Naturally. With women like Alexis, it’s always another woman’s fault because her husband is perfect. Him, make a mistake? Nooooo ma’am. Just look at him in his track suit, with his beer belly spilling over the elastic waistband. That’s a perfect creature.
They talked some more about things that didn’t directly have to do with Earth Jesus, such as Peggy’s daughter’s broken arm. When she found out that the kid had pins in her bones but wouldn’t have to have them forever, Alexis felt like she had won and promptly wandered off, probably to find a shiny surface in which to regard herself. You see, Alexis has a permanent rod in her leg, which makes her way cooler than the toddler with the broken arm. So there. Alexis triumphs again.
In further conflicts, Newbie Heather inserted herself into some kind of conversation with a stranger about engagements, and she lectured the woman about how she’s not really engaged until her husband coughs up a ring. The monetary investment was very important to her, and the outburst meant that the random anonymous brunette friend gave her side-eye for the rest of the evening although never actually summoned up the balls to pick a fight. On a certain level, I’m actually inclined to agree with Heather, but then I’m reminded that my dad didn’t buy my mom an engagement ring and they’ve been married for 30 years. And then I feel a little bad about my first reaction.
Anyway, once everyone sat down to eat, the awkward moments continued. Tamra complained that she had Fritos in her soup, and in fairness to her, what she held up actually did look like a Frito. Tamra’s trailer park, she knows a Frito when she sees one. Once the second course came out, a low country boil served family style, everyone at the table showed just how narrow their worlds are by acting completely revolted at the sight of seafood with shells on it. Vicki had already told them that the dinner party would be cajun-themed, and a low country boil is about as basic and accessible and delicious as cajun food gets. I grew up in the South, and fraternities and sororities at my college used to throw low country boils for fundraisers. Has none of these women really ever encountered a crawfish?
While everyone was rudely complaining about being expected to expand their culinary horizons, Alexis and Pegatha somehow got into it again over god knows what. Once Alexis decided that there was not enough ketchup available for her taste, she got up to stomp back to her sterile McMansion and eat some Cheerios for dinner. Peggy followed her out to the car in an attempt to bury the hatchet (or just start a bigger fight, probably), but she was rebuffed and Alexis continued her her journey come to eat packaged food (at least until Earth Jesus came by to swat it out of her hand).
Our next stop was Heather’s house, where we met her family and got a tour of her home. Unlike most of the boring, cookie cutter, shoddily constructed “mansions” that the rest of the wives live in, Heather’s house was genuinely palatial and clearly a custom build. It included a huge foyer for parties, a movie theater and even an elevator. And Heather’s closet? Heather’s closet. We spent a few minutes with the family making challah bread and finding out that the DuBrows are Jewish Buddhists, and I would really love to see Heather and Alexis get in a fight about religion. Please make that happen, Bravo.
We then made a brief stopover with Vicki, who was planning for a weekend jaunt with her new boyfriend, before settling in with Gretchen and Slade to hear Gretchen’s review of the party. Mostly Gretchen was upset about someone being pretentious, and although I didn’t hear exactly who they were talking about, I’m betting it was Heather. Heather is a little pretentious. To be perfectly honest, I’m impressed that Gretchen was able to summon up that word from within that ghost town skull of hers.
The next thing we knew, Tamra, Vicki and Vicki’s new boyfriend Brooks were headed…somewhere. I’m guessing they said where, but I have Fashion Week ADD, and let’s be honest, it doesn’t really matter. They swung by to pick up Eddie, and then they were off! Off to pluck Eddie’s nose hairs. This show is absolutely stupefying, and I mean that in the least positive way possible.
Meanwhile, Gretchen was at a photo shoot to take some naked pictures for charity with one of her tacky handbags (in baby pink not-leather) for breast cancer awareness. She didn’t drop her pants, which were also pink, and I spent most of the scene trying to decide if what she was holding over her boobs was a cardboard cutout or one of the actual handbags. I never did entirely decide, but if it was an actual handbag, it was exceptionally shiny and flat and cardboard-looking.
Back with the middle-aged lovebirds, the group had arrived at some sort of establishment with overhead fluorescent lights and multicolored vinyl booths that looked an awfully lot like a bowling alley, except no one got up and bowled. Eddie and Vicki started joking around with each other in what seemed like a completely harmless way, and both Tamra and Brooks got upset for reasons that I still don’t entirely understand. Eddie then called Tamra a “f*cking idiot” for being upset, and although I agree that Tamra overreacted, Eddie’s corresponding overreaction was the kind of thing that no one should ever say to their significant other. Who calls their girlfriend that, period, let alone in front of other people or on camera?
At some point I realized that what I thought was a bowling alley was actually a boat, and while the cruise took off, Tamra and Eddie walked into some kind of closet to whisper-yell at each other about betrayal and inappropriateness and which one of them was a psycho who needed to calm down. (Hint: They never actually decided, so perhaps it’s both of them.) The pair eventually came out of the broom closet to talk on camera, wherein Eddie chided Tamra for putting another man’s hand on her boob. And…what? I didn’t see that. Did I miss it? I asked on Twitter last night, and no one else reported having seen it either. Is he referring to some previous incident about which Bravo has chosen to give us no context? Did she quickly put Brooks’ hand on her boob while I was typing? Am I taking crazy pills? Perhaps.