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How did we get to the point in The Real Housewives of Orange County (or in society, I guess) that Gretchen and Slade (SLADE!), are easily the least terrible and most sympathetic people on the whole show?

Where did we lose the narrative? When did this whole operation go completely off the rails? Am I taking crazy pills? Bueller?

This week, our Orange County ladies headed to Florida for a “girls weekend” that ultimately also included three out of five significant others, one housewife with hurt feelings and another one that was so hopped up on painkillers that she had no idea what was going on anyway.

After all the drama of last week’s episode, this one was actually kind of tame, by comparison. Well, unless you’re talking about Vicki, in which case this week was a histrionic mess. You see, she was the one that planned the girls weekend, and I can sort of sympathize with her being upset about the fact that the boys weren’t invited and that they were rude to interlope on the whole thing. It was a trip, after all, not just a dinner or a cocktail party.

Perhaps it would have been slightly different if Alpha Douche Jim and Beta Douche Simon had actually been invited by their wives – they weren’t. They merely decided that their women needed to be supervised at all times, and that included when they were going on Everglades tours and sitting by the pool in Florida. Slade showed up as well, but it seemed more likely that he did because Gretchen had been complaining to him about being uncomfortable around most of the women that were going. Also, he probably went because Bravo producers made him go in order to create more drama for the cameras, since Vicki’s face contorts into a mask of horror and revulsion at the mere mention of his name.

The evidence best supporting Vicki’s desire for a girls-only weekend was probably the footage of the group going on a hovercraft tour of the Everglades with a guide named Bubba. Alexis had yet to arrive and no husbands were present, and the four wives (well, I guess there were three by the time they got on the boat, Lynn and her facelift needed to take a nap) played with alligators and wild boars and generally seemed to have a good time and enjoy each others’ company. Also, it kind of made me want to take a tour of the Everglades.

But then Alexis and Alpha Douche Jim showed up afterward, and then people started to get a little snarky. Although no one was snarky about Alexis’s outfit, which surprised me. She apparently stepped off the plane wearing a neon orange mini dress, some sort of sparkly quasi-tiara, and huge chandelier earrings and she had her hair in what was obviously a professionally done up-do. The woman just might be the vainest creature on the face of the planet. I hope one of her kids gets fat just to spite her (and if she keeps things up, one of them will almost surely hate her enough to do just that).

The more I see of Alexis and Alpha Douche Jim, though, the more I think that they’re an inspired bit of casting on the part of Bravo. These two people are so obviously ravenous for the attention, for people to think that they’re wealthy, for people to know their names that Alexis was getting herself injected with Botox on camera after only two episodes of residence in the reality tv universe. She was MADE for this sort of show, and her husband has given Beta Douche Simon someone to look up to, which has only made him more easily hateable this season. They’re keeping the OC Housewives interesting, one Godly seven-carat necklace at a time.

With their relationship as an example, Simon has started to crack down on Tamra’s uppity ways, which he blames on Vicki’s influence. On the one hand, Tamra is probably the most spiteful, negative, loathsome woman on the show, and perhaps he has begun to recognize that. On the other hand, Simon almost certainly knew that he was marrying a shrew from day one. If he didn’t take the time to get to know his wife, then that’s not Vicki’s fault. Or if he’s merely embarrassed that she’s acting like that on national television, then I’m not sure why he chooses to participate on the show with her. Although he’s probably not smart enough to think through that line of logic himself, so, ya know.

In the face of all of this househusband ridiculousness, Vicki had a considerable opportunity to curry favor and sympathy, which she completely and totally squandered by acting like a big baby about the whole thing. Instead of being able to articulately explain why it’s rude to bring people that weren’t invited on a cross-country trip that someone else has planned, she whined and rolled her eyes and made faces and refused to participate in her own trip, and it all just sort of reminded me of how people act in middle school when someone brings a girl no one likes to the lunch table. Vicki obviously is a smart and successful woman, and she should be able to handle an unpleasant situation with slightly more maturity than is characterized by having a mini breakdown while getting a manicure.

In all actuality, Slade seemed to be the most reasonable of the spouses present, and Gretchen seemed like the least mean of the mean girls. When Vicki insisted on questioning her about why she had to choose Slade and how she thought Jo felt about Gretchen stealing her man (which I’m pretty sure Gretchen didn’t actually do), instead of flipping a table (as would be appropriate on a different Housewives show) or letting out a vicious string of profanity (which would be appropriate on ANY Housewives show), Gretchen managed to answer the extremely rude questions in a calm and collected (well, sort of collected – homegirl isn’t a rocket scientist) way in front of a group of not-always-friendly women.

And then Lynn popped a couple more pain pills and pretended that her husband had been there the entire time. If she had just offered a few to Vicki, this whole episode would have never happened.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • pg1908

    Amanda, once again a very accurate (and hilarious) recap on the show. BTW, does anyone else notice that Gretchen still wears her engagement ring that Jeff got for her? I personally think it’s a bit weird, especially if you’re dating, let along discussing marriage with someone else, but I guess that’s just my opinion.

  • Ali

    “They’re keeping the OC Housewives interesting, one Godly seven-carat necklace at a time.” I love it! Thanks, once again, for the great recap.

    • Kate W.

      I have to agree. “One Godly seven-carat necklace at a time”..Amanda, you’re better than Chelsea Handler with the funny quips!

  • otter

    I felt bad for V and will excuse her behavior. I thought her “friends” were a bunch of bitches for inviting their husbands and then making fun of V every opportunity they had. Sick.

  • Mama Bird

    BTW, it is rude to invite oneself on a trip when one is not invited. If I couldn’t go by myself on a girls weekend then I wouldn’t go. When did the Housewives turn into the Househusbands, because none of them seem to be employed except Vicki and Don.

    • Glo

      I agree, the other husbands really appear to not have jobs. And Alexis and Jim are just annoying!

  • RP Jones

    Outstanding recap Amanda, but I think that Simon is actually sort envy of Alexis and Jim’s relationship. And I think he’s attracted to Alexis. On the 3rd episode I beieve he made a comment to Tamara and said, “she not hotter than you.” What was that for really, and also they been arguing since the show started now all of a sudden he and his wife have the perfect relationship… Really? Which brings me to another point. Maybe Tamara has so many issues in her marriage, because she so worried other peoples relationship.

  • Lisa

    What was with Taliban Jim telling his wife to pull her skirt down like she was 5 years old? I agree that Vicki messed up by not articulating why it was so rude for the husbands to be there. It seemed so simple and I kept waiting for her tell Tamra (when waiting to go on the Sunset cruise) that she didn’t want to go because she set up the cruise for the girls. The husbands took over the cruise that she planned, and that was rude. Enough said. Instead she kept welling up with tears and saying she was a Debbie Downer. How about just saying the husbands are rude and the other wives are allowing it?! The worst part was watching Tamra throw her under the bus on the cruise.

  • Sher77

    I think the OC Housewives are really not very appealing anymore. Lynn, who seems like a nice person, should have been at home recouping from her face lift. She was definitely medicated. Anything about Tamara and Vicky is really depressing.I have always heard that for a movie to be good, you need to care about the actors. I really don’t care about any of these people , but Lynn and Gretchen at times. Alexis and her ugly husband are the worst of all the couples, in all the Housewives shows.Now they me prove to be entertaining in the future, I’ll hope for that. To me there is something going on with Vicky. She seemed to be overreacting to the circumstances.

  • Sher77

    Forgot to say Amanda , keep up the good work!!

  • Ginger

    I have to have the orange handbag Gretchen had. Dose anyone know the vendor??? Help with my handbag habit, please!!!!

  • Ginger

    I can’t believe I spelled does wrong. I tell you I need a handbag fix.

  • pacerfan

    All the husbands are morons !!!! Slade is an idiot too!!! What kind of parents name their kid Slade anyhow? They must be morons also.

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  • Francesca

    Is there a time when Alexa & Jim actually raise their children? I have never in my life seen a family go to church where the parents drop their kids off in a day care area & continue on into the nightclub (oh I’m sorry, I mean church). These are parents who barely spend any time with their kids with which to begin & then they don’t have an hour or more to spend with them at church? Are you serious? In the name of God? In the name of Christianity? Trust me I get it that if the kids begin acting up you need a room to go to, but they drop them off before giving the kids a chance to misbehave.

    How embarassing for the pastor when they invited him & his wife over to their home merely for the purpose of forcing the pastor to agree with their “Christian” lifestyle. You’re ok, I’m ok psychology that was totally uncomfortable for the dinner guests as well as the viewers. I grew sick in my stomach. “Honey lets invite the pastor over on national television. It will boost our reputation. We can cause the pastor & his wife to stroke our egos when we force them to answer questions about our lifestyle in a way that is pleasing to us. Afterall they can’t afford to be rude to us on national tv. Besides, we are doing them a favor by promoting their tv evangelism on our show (I mean YOUR show honey).” Can you say NARCISSISTIC? Live your daggon life the way you want, in front of cameras & all, but don’t force people into uncomfortable positions by presenting questions where you are directing the response.

    For your children’s sake, raise them now & take the focus off of you & Jim for two seconds. Otherwise, when those kids hit 12, 13, 14, 15 they are going to be serious rebellious handfuls. Jim will assert his tough love regulations by kicking them out of the house for disobedience & you will wind up with a fractured relationship with your child. On the other hand, the child who obeys, will be the child full of so many hidden psychological issues. The kid will be an over achiever & perfect on the outside. I don’t want to gander a guess on the direction of self abuse this child will endure which will result in an unhappy life. I pray for them all. God’s Will is not your will. It is not getting together your little wish list & asking the magician in the sky to make it all come true. I believe there is hope for all of these families, but they must 1st remove the cameras & try to re-grasp reality.

    We Are All Works In Progress & Full of Sin
    They Appear to Be Trying, but the Superficiality (self image issues) Appears to Supercede God.

  • Janet Jackson

    I love these recaps and am going to save it in bookmarks. I was surprised you think Alexis is the best looking housewife because I hate her and her upper duck lip totally grosses me out. I think Grethan (sp) and Tamra are the best looking. Also I was surprised at how hard you are on Tamra. I had the exact same marriage that Tamra had with her ahole husband and I have lot of sympathy for Tamra, she was in my opinion basically and totally emotionally and mentally (and I will guess monetarily) abused by her husband doucebag Simon, God I hate that man. I feel Tamra is rather immature and none of them seem to know how to keep boundaries and I guess that’s why they’re on the show after all, but really, it’s all high school with the Housewife series all the time, maybe even lower school. Very sensitive to every comment and look, never seeming to look around corners, I actually can’t believe people who behave that way look like they have money, oh well, I guess in the end we’re finding out how many of them are simply just in dept. to their eyeballs. Lynn totally looked like a baboon in her car driving her daughter to the mall and she absolutely does look whacked out on a buzz or high or something, it’s her dry mouth and the difficulty she has in moving her ginormous lips.

    That is all, I look forward to reading from now on.


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