Where were the fireworks last night? Where was the drama? Was it hiding in new housewife Alexis’s cleavage? Was her creepy, weak-chinned husband keeping it from the watchful eyes of the Real Housewives of Orange County viewership?
Wherever it is, we didn’t see much of it. Tamra copped to having jealousy issues, all of the housewives tried on lingerie without punching each other in the face, Gretchen got up on a pole but managed to stay clothed, and Jeana exited the show with little fanfare and a dinner where both of her sons managed to not be total douchebags.
Where was the wig-pulling? The bad, auto-tuned dance songs? The glasses of white wine with straws in them? Oh yeah, wrong housewives. Darn. I kind of miss those other ones.
So, about Gretchen and that pole. It was in Arizona, for a friend’s birthday, and there were burlesque dancers with sequin pasties and fire jugglers and things like that. Kind of a fun party, seems like. I bet it had an open bar, too – none of those stingy drink tickets. Gretchen had a few too many (she weighs approximately 110 pounds, so a few too many is probably two), almost kissed a “pole artist,” as Blair Waldorf would say, and then hopped up on the pole herself. She swung around drunkenly for a minute, and, uh, went and banged Slade? Passed out drunk on the bathroom floor like a classy lady? Who knows.
Admittedly, Slade is probably a histrionically terrible person. He’s apparently $80,000 behind on child support to his terminally ill son, and I’m not sure that there’s anything worse that you can do than that, but he made up a snarky lil’ nickname for Vicki (Ficky, because she’s fake and icky) and gave me a quote to use for this episode, so I’ll save his evisceration for another week. At least he’s willing to admit that he’s poor.
While Gretchen was in Arizona getting acquainted with a pole (which might be important for her future career, considering her current financial standing), Tamra was having Alexis and her husband over for hotdogs on the grill in order to gawk at her giant diamond ring and even gianter “knockers.” Alexis can’t go to a pool party without a nanny, so she brought one of those, too. Apparently the other one had the day off.
Tamra finally admitted that she was jealous of someone, although it was Alexis and not Gretchen, and the she was mostly quiet and ineffectual for the rest of the episode. Well, she did snipe at her husband for making a few completely reasonable jokes, and she also showed us that she has a really tacky body kit and ugly rims on her Mercedes SUV, but that’s about par for the Tamra course, I suppose.
The people that really got under my skin during this episode were Alexis and specifically her husband Jim. As soon as she started preaching about Jesus in their relationship, I knew I wasn’t going to like her (nothing gets old faster than self-righteousness, and did you hear the way she ordered that margarita?), but I actually like him even less.
It seems like he’s one of those guys that couldn’t date the hot girls in high school, but he eventually got rich and uses his financial power to bastardize the idea of a “traditional” marriage to mean that he calls the shots and expects the gold-digging broad he married to be the ideal, submissive female at all times, and she better not talk too loudly or try on lingerie in view of others or go on a vacation without him. And if she gains a couple of pounds as she gets older? Holy crap, someone call the divorce lawyer, he’ll just trade her in for a newer model. Although with his flabby second and third chins and pot belly, he appears to be unconcerned about whether or not she wants a hot husband.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: if you think your marriage is happy and you don’t need the cash, don’t go on a reality show. You might think that being famous looks fun, but it’s not. The diamond on your finger may do a pretty decent job of distracting you for what a dick your husband is, but unless he gives every entertainment writer and blogger on the face of the planet a similar giant diamond, we’re not going to find his “quirks” similarly endearing, and were going to remind you of that endlessly. This woman is easily the best looking housewife from any of the various cities and appears to more or less perfectly fit the traditional ideal of female beauty; she could do so much better than this slimy, sniveling douchebag that’s squirming his way uneasily through middle age in clothes made for douchey people two decades his junior.
Okay, I’ve taken a deep breath and hopped off of my feminist soapbox until next week. Let’s talk about the lingerie party. Specifically, let’s talk about why we didn’t see more of the underwear-clad male model that was serving champagne to everyone. A cute, silent, barely dressed guy giving out free booze? Where do I get one of my own? And mostly, that was the only interesting thing that happened, besides the fact that Gretchen and Tamra managed to not rip each others’ faces off.
Lynn continued to not do anything at all, which appears to be a constant problem in her life. Her family is preparing to move to a smaller home, which we know that she’ll eventually get evicted from, and I can’t figure out for the life of me why they don’t own a home of some sort of her husband is in construction and real estate and they were, at one point, rich. And apparently they have no savings to fall back on, and also, nothing taking up the spaces between their ears. I feel sorry for their one kid that appears to be at least temporarily well-adjusted. That won’t last long with parents like hers.
There was also blessedly little Vicki in this episode, except for a brief appearance at La Perla and a conversation with Jeana about how Jeana was kind of sick of hanging out with Mean Girls. I don’t think that Vicki realizes that when she said Mean Girls, she meant her and Tamra – she was probably too busy cutting apples to go in her lasagna (WTF? Is apple lasagna, like, a thing?) to even notice what they were talking about. And then Jeana had a cute family cookout with her kids (her drunken douche of an ex-husband was, inexplicably, still roaming around the house), who were all fairly civil and human-like for the entire thing, even the male ones.
And then Jeana rode off into the sunset, removing any last vestige of likability from this entire nightmare of a show. We can only hope that maybe her financial situation won’t improve and she’ll have to come back, but for her sake (and that of her daughter, who seems like a genuinely normal girl), I hope she gets to stay far, far away from all of this.
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