Ok, folks, we have a problem. That problem is named Kelly Killoren Bensimon, and she’s screwing up my mojo. Not that Real Housewives of New York City hasn’t been slowly driving me crazy for the last month, because it has. Kelly just makes it worse.
Not only does nothing come out of her mouth that ever make any sense, but I also am so full of seething disdain for her that I can barely see straight when she talks, let alone take notes or organize a recap or think thoughts other than “My god, MAKE IT STOP.” Since this part of the reunion was mostly about Kelly, trying to mold everything that happened into a series of rational paragraphs ought to be interesting. Won’t you join me one last time?
Naturally, things started where the last episode ended – Kelly was offended that Bethenny intimated that she might, you know, be kind of totally crazy, and she tried to leave. She couldn’t find the door (doors are tricky!), so she eventually came back and sat down in order to continue twirling her hair and not paying attention to anything that was going on around her. Even LuAnn had to laugh at Kelly’s walk-off temper tantrum, and when both Jill and LuAnn are breaking ranks and admitting that you’re a moron, things are bad. Not that Kelly would notice, however – she was counting her split ends while this part was happening.
One of the more interesting things we found out during last night’s episode was that Kelly did not leave the island of her own volition, she was sent home by producers instead, which seems to logically contradict the whole “bullying” storyline that she’s selling. After this fact was laid on the table, everyone yelled at each other and it didn’t make any sense, not even to me. From what I could glean, it seemed to be a fight over whether or not Kelly was bullied, which I honestly thought we covered on Monday. Didn’t we? Did I dream that? If I did, it was one of those super realistic dreams, sort of like the ones Kelly had about Bethenny butchering her with a giant knife and making those fantastic knife noises.
After everyone repeatedly said that no one had been bullied, Kelly declared that she thinks they’re all jealous of her and that’s why they bullied her, although she did not go in to detail about what exactly the ladies should be jealous of. Perhaps her large collection of shirts that she pretends are dresses? During this entire exchange, Jill and LuAnn were oddly silent, and I have to assume that if they agreed that Kelly had been mistreated, they would have defended her in some way. They let her fend for herself, and when are those two ever quiet?
Everyone eventually got bored of talking about Kelly, so Jill’s arrival on Shutter Island was up next. Jill’s justification for showing up was that she was invited and encouraged to come back when the trip was planned and that’s why she showed up, and when that didn’t work, she claimed that she showed up to make sure Kelly was ok. Ramona reminded all of us that she had already told Jill that Kelly wouldn’t be on the island when she got there, so, uh…darn. Time to come up with a new justification for showing up, Jill! We all know that she just did it because she can’t stand it when stuff happens without her, so she might as well admit it. I’d like her a lot more if she did.
But she didn’t have time to tell the truth because Ramona got up, stomped her feet, put her finger in Jill’s face and told her exactly what she should have done when she got to the island. Not only was it was fantastic, but it also kind of made sense, which only made it more fantastic when contrasted with Kelly’s sullen, simpering version of non-reality. Apparently it’s possible to be angry and still create full sentences – I had forgotten.
When Jill realized that she could no longer sell her motives as pure, she moved on to talking about how awful the environment was when she arrived on the island and how she understood why Kelly left. In her words, it was like facing a firing squad, except there were no bullets which seems like a pretty key part of a firing squad to me. And, I mean, if there were bullets, her complaint would probably be justified. No one wants to get shot. Although if it means more screen time, I wouldn’t put it past Jill to voluntarily take one in the leg.
Once it was decided that the subject of the vacation had been beaten to death, the group moved on to LuAnn’s love life. Andy asked her about the comment about her ex and Jews that she had made earlier in the season, and she hemmed and hawed and more or less admitted that he doesn’t like Jewish people without actually admitting it. As Kathy Griffin so aptly said on Watch What Happens Live after the show, a Jew-hating ex is not something about which you can successfully hedge – you have to outright deny it, no matter what, because anything less than that is a tacit admission.
LuAnn also more or less admitted having had affairs because she refused to answer a question about her dalliances “out of respect for [her] family.” And, you know, if there hadn’t been affairs, then answering the question wouldn’t be disrespectful…that’s just a conjecture on my part, of course. But much like anti-semitism, I would say that cheating is another subject that you can’t really hedge – it just makes you look guilty. After all, why would correcting untrue rumors of infidelity be disrespectful to your family?
Other than that, LuAnn was pretty contrite – she seemed far more normal and relatable in talking about her divorce and new relationship than she did during this season and the two previous, and hopefully her boyfriend will distract her from meddling in the lives of others in the future. LuAnn strikes me as the type of woman that needs to have a man to feel like her existence is justified, so maybe he’ll stick around and she’ll go back to just being mildly ridiculous instead of totally annoying.
Then it was time to talk to Kelly again and, really, I can’t even take notes when she speaks. I don’t know how to recap that. I don’t think that the English language contains words to describe what it’s like to listen to Kelly explain things, but I’ll give it a shot anyway: Kelly makes my face hurt. She makes me upset for the human race and scared for future generations of children, particularly the two with half of her DNA. I look at her and wonder exactly how much of a douchebag Gilles Bensimon has to be in order to have been married to her for a considerable amount of time. The fact that she continues to breath and sit upright baffles me – you would think that those things would be complicated enough to confuse her and that she would have toppled over and passed out by now.
For her part, Kelly appears to not know what a declarative statement is, and she also admits that she hardly ever listens to what anyone else is saying, apparently because she finds no one but herself at all interesting. Also, her hair. She finds her hair interesting. And the feathers on her bracelet. People talking? Not so much, which is why nothing that she says ever makes any sense. Ever. Well, that’s part of the reason, anyway. The other part is because she’s just kind of dim.
When asked to explain her comments about supporting PETA and wearing fur, Kelly responded but didn’t so much explain her position as just reiterate the completely nonsensical thing that she said about it originally, with the added insight that her opinions change day to day. But of course, she never explains anything, so why should she start now? She just twirls her hair and babbles incoherently until someone interrupts her or she can’t think of any more words to say, at which point she stops and stares blankly back at the person that asked her the question (or, if she can’t remember who actually engaged her in conversation, she just picks the first person or object in her line of sight) until he or she starts talking again. And if it happens to be an inanimate object on which she affixes her attention, well…I guess she just stares at it until she falls asleep or something.
And finally, finally, it was time for the last question of the evening: would they come back to do another season? Bethenny probably wouldn’t, which isn’t surprising since she has her own show now. Ramona actually managed to enjoy this season and would love to do another one, as would Alex. Sonja wants to be besties with everyone because she hasn’t been around long enough to fully abhor Kelly yet. LuAnn joked that she wouldn’t and it was actually deadpan and kind of funny, but she totally would because she’s still trying to find a storyline for herself. Kelly hemmed and hawed but also would love to come back because it made her a better person. Right. Jill said that she doesn’t know, but only because that’s the answer that gets her the most attention.
So, on that note, who would you like to see stay or go for the next season?