And so, it was over. Not the season, I mean. That’s not over until next week. Just the good part of the season.
In the conclusion of Real Housewives of New York City‘s three-episode insanity tour of
Shutter Island St. John, things became somewhat less insane, and it was sort of sad (the reduction in insanity, not the episode itself). We knew that this storied period in Housewives history had to end, but that doesn’t mean that any of us wanted to see it go. Except for Kelly Bensimon, of course. And probably Jill.
The episode started in St. John once again, where everyone was (perhaps surprisingly) still alive after Kelly’s disaster the previous evening. They have been all still alive, but they weren’t all still there – Kelly sprouted wings and flew off the island like Puff the Magic Dragon (lived by the sea…or she left in a Jeep. Whatev. Choose your own adventure.) during the night, and the four remaining women sat around and talked about how happy they were that Kelly had left them to cartwheel into the ocean and all the way back to New York.
The remaining housewives proceeded to be massaged, do yoga, snorkel, get mani/pedis and lay in the sun. They talked about lots of soft, fuzzy emotions, like how happy Ramona was that they came and how loved she felt! No one told them that feeling things was very 1979 and they all smiled and looked like they were having fun. But if we know one thing, it’s that this trip (and this show) is not supposed to be fun.
Jill! Jill is the only person capable of making that noise. She showed up to make everyone’s vacation better and more special, because a little Jill improves everything! My favorite part of the whole scene was the fact that, for a few moments, everyone refused to acknowledge that she and Bobby even existed. They all just stared off into the middle distance and tried to make her disappear by sheer force of will, but since it’s impossible for anyone except Kelly to liquefy people with thoughts, she continued to exist. For a moment, they all regretted that Kelly had gone home.
Instead of getting the warm reception that Jill expects will greet her wherever she goes, Ramona demanded to know why she was there and then Bethenny and Alex both looked like they were going to cry. Sonja, of course, was too drunk to care. No one was talking so Jill kept babbling about St. Barts and the house and pedicures and HI BETHENNY. She finally put her tail between her legs and left, barely in time to avoid the second nervous breakdown of the weekend, this time from Alex.
Jill clearly seemed to think that her presence was the greatest gift that she could give to any of those women, and when Ramona came outside to apologize and explain why she couldn’t stay, all Jill did was complain about the money she spent getting there and how MEAN everyone else was to her and that SHE WAS A GUEST TOO AND SHE WAS GOING TO DO A TAKESIES BACKSIES ON HER FRIENDSHIP WITH RAMONA. AGAIN. Somehow, it never seemed to occur to Jill that no one wanted her there because she had finally done enough to alienate all of her friends. Except LuAnn. But no one cares about LuAnn.
With Jill gone, the remaining vacationers continued at dinner what they had started that morning – talking about how relaxed and happy they felt without Jill, LuAnn and Kelly. They cooed about Bethenny’s baby bump and sonograms and giving the Heimlich Maneuver to poodles, a subject that came up after Kelly’s ghost tried to come back to St. John and choke Ramona to death. Also, they all picked Sonja’s brain for information about penis size.
And the cuteness continued – Alex and Sonja threw a simultaneous bridal shower for both Ramona AND Bethenny. They gave them lots of skanky-luxe gifts that were actually kind of fun and hilarious, and then they made wedding dresses out of toilet paper, which is a challenge that the Project Runway producers will surely steal for next season (and honestly, I’m surprised that they haven’t already done it.) For a split second, I actually wanted to be on the show. I would like someone to gift me with a set of Swarovski-encrusted light bondage gear. Sure.
That adorable positivity didn’t last long! Back in New York, Jill, LuAnn and stealth housewife Jennifer got together to have lunch and explain to each other why they’re so much more awesome than the other women. And then Kelly showed up, and it would have been so perfect if there had been some sort of tragic accident and the whole place just burned down. Like, straight to the ground, and perhaps Jennifer escapes because we don’t know enough about her to really hate her yet.
Kelly started gossiping about the trip immediately: she complained that they were gossiping (that would be irony, if Kelly knew what irony was), fighting and competing with each other and generally being horrible. Jennifer asked for an example of any of these behaviors, but Kelly said it didn’t matter and plowed right ahead, saying that Bethenny told her to have a one-night stand (it was Sonja, you moron) and that none of her friends had ever hired Bethenny to so much as pop popcorn (of course she didn’t actually say it like that, in a complete sentence with a little joke, she just mumbled some things and rolled her eyes and dug her fingernails into the table and made that face where you can see all 85 of her teeth).
Even Jill said it wasn’t ok for Kelly to call Bethenny a ho bag and Jennifer said that she didn’t want to judge without the other side of the story. When compared to Kelly, all three of them sounded downright circumspect and mature. While all of that was going on, I sort of felt bad about wishing that the restaurant would burn down, and I changed my mind and merely wished that someone would set Kelly on fire. Yes, that.
Thankfully, Kelly wasn’t invited to the show’s next get-together. Sonja threw an art party at her giant house and everyone kissed each others’ cheeks and drank champagne, and they looked utterly horrified when LuAnn continued to ask what happened on Crazy Island. LuAnn was actually sort of diplomatic and seemed to care about knowing what really happened, which is so unlike her. They all got together in a dining-room-turned-conference-room, with LuAnn sitting at the head and playing social arbiter (she was probably like a pig in…well, you know), and she surprisingly decided that Bethenny’s and Alex’s side of the story sounded plausible.
Finally, it was time for Jill’s crazypants spin around an iceskating rink, but first she had to take a crazypants spin around her relationship with Bethenny. She sat down with her sister to discuss whether or not she should call Bethenny, and she decided she should because she had already made up her mind before she even asked her sister for advice, obviously. Jill asked to have lunch with her and Bethenny said ok because she was sick of fighting and it was the easiest way to get Jill off the phone. Somehow I think that’s probably similar to the way that she ended up married to Bobby, because there’s really no other explanation.
The upshot was that Jill got to feel like she won, which helped bolster her confidence to put on her embarrassing pink skating dress and get out there and…fall on her face. Right. On. Her. Face. It might have been the best bit of schadenfreude-y goodness to ever come out of an episode of Housewives, but somehow it wasn’t the most embarrassing thing that happened that night. Ramona’s scrunchi’d hairdo was pretty embarrassing, and so was the way that Kelly lost her mind when she saw Ramona (but somehow didn’t manage to rip that scrunchi out of her hair). She ranted and yelled accused Ramona of not having her back, all while Ramona was desperately trying not to make eye contact or get herself eaten. At some point, Kelly decided that they had made up and gave her a hug. Ok, nevermind. Jill’s epic faceplant was way more embarrassing than any of that.
In hindsight, Ramona really shouldn’t have shown up to the Icecapades at all. Next, she had to talk to Jill, which was clearly not what she wanted to be doing, but Ramona told Jill what she did wrong and Jill mostly managed shut up and listen, and then they hugged too. And that was it! Hugs all around, even though no one really learned anything about what had gone wrong, because no one ever does.