This episode of Real Housewives of New York opened with Ramona putting ice cubes in her white wine. Ice cubes. In her. White. Wine. Funny, because I thought that only Kim Zolciak was allowed to do that, but I suppose outrÃ© drinking habits have spread among the Housewives franchises like a particularly virulent case of herpes.
Unsurpisingly, though, that small gesture set the tone for the rest of the episode. There was yelling and cursing, everyone was acting like they were in high school, and Bethenny claimed that LuAnn has grown a penis. The Countess would have said that it was all very dÃ©classÃ©, if she actually had any idea what that meant, in both the literal and figurative senses.
All of these broads are still out in the Hamptons, lazing about at their summer houses and visiting with the help because they don’t have any real friends left. Even their children are risking life and limb to escape at this point.
Actually, that’s just LuAnn, because the rest of the women have apparently forgotten that they have children. She’s feeling all hangdog and puny over her divorce, and Ramona just doesn’t know when to shut her mouth about anything, ever, and she’s making it worse, although that’s sort of why she’s on this show (that and the horrendous white-person dancing). Remember the last episode, when things got weird between her and LuAnn over some douchey comment her husband made about LuAnn being “count-less” instead of “countess?” Frankly, I thought it was a little more clever than he was reasonably capable of being, but the humor was somewhat lost on LuAnn. She was humorless to begin with, but now that she’s getting divorced, she has somehow become even worse.
That whole kerfuffle just wouldn’t go away, with Ramona complaining to Bethenny and later Alex and Simon, and LuAnn kvetching to Jill. The difference between the two groups was that while Alex and Simon encouraged Mario to call and apologize (Bethenny, alternately, just helped Ramona dance it out), Jill decided to call Ramona on speakerphone with LuAnne in the room and encourage her to talk smack without knowing that anyone else was listening. Because Ramona lacks common sense and the ability to control what comes out of her mouth, she quickly obliged and accused LuAnne of various terrible things.
Suddenly, it was sort of clear why Bethenny thinks that Jill needs to get a hobby. When you’re a grown woman and you’re taking your social tactics straight out of a Lindsay Lohan movie (albeit the greatest Lindsay Lohan movie of all time, Mean Girls), you probably need to step back and reevaluate every life decision thus far that has lead you to that point. Never one for introspection, however, Jill decides she’s going to pull out of Ramona’s Labor Day party and help LuAnne throw a rival party at her house. They also enlisted the help of Kelly, whose absence at the other party didn’t seem to bother anyone in the slightest.
Let’s be honest here: Ramona wins the Battle of the Parties because she has a better house. Also, because her food looked way better. Neither party looked exactly hoppin’, but it doesn’t take a whole lot to beat out listening to Kelly talk about how she’s going to shoot a cover and pictorial for Playboy, and she’s going to get the big interview and everything! That last detail is particularly hilarious – her issue already came out, and she was completely overshadowed by the enormous, totally insane interview that John Mayer gave in it. Sorry, Kelly – your wonky boobs aren’t that interesting. In fact, hers wasn’t even the most interesting nudey-mag in that conversation – did you know that Countess LuAnne was on the cover of Playgirl?
Over at Ramona’s house, the food and surroundings may have been better, but the conversation was just as uninteresting. Everyone wanted to complain that Bethenny hurt Jill’s feelings, but after the stunt that Jill pulled on Ramona, I think that plot line feels a little stale. Excuse the clichÃ©, but with a friend like Jill, who needs enemies? Suddenly, that promo clip that we keep seeing where Alex tells Jill that she’s in high school seems a lot more reasonable.
Obviously Alex doesn’t hate her yet, however, because toward the end of Ramona’s party, Alex tried to bow out gracefully, saying that she had promised Jill and LuAnne that she and Simon would make an appearance at their party. Ramona flew off the handle, obviously, because Ramona has no emotions between totally mellow and totally psychotic. She wants all of the housewives to choose sides, and if Silex goes over there, even for a few minutes, it means that she’s no longer beating Jill.
But one thing that this episode made clear is that Bethenny is the real winner. While everyone was bickering and infighting and trying to recapture their youth by recreating the worst behaviors of their teenage years, Bethenny was being asked to move in by her boyfriend and mostly not opening her mouth about anyone. She even behaved herself when the random woman at Ramona’s party told her how much she hurt Jill’s feelings.
Well, she didn’t entirely behave herself. She may or may not have called that woman a cater waiter behind her back. But for Bethenny, that’s sort of the same thing as behaving herself. You know, relatively speaking.
It’s that time again. Make like Andy Cohen and fix yourselves a Maker’s Mark & ginger ale because it’s FRIDAY! Until next week, ladies.