Wait, so, I missed something. We got a new housewife, Sonja Morgan (yes, she divorced a descendent of JP Morgan) last night, and I had no idea that she was coming. At any rate, she’s here and she seems like a total crazyperson, which is exactly what I like to see. She spent half of her intro talking about how important sex is to her, and then we found out that she has an elevator. Not in her building; in her townhouse. Excellent. She will do just fine.
Beyond that, there were various and sundry other sorts of bizarreness all crammed into one episode: LuAnn on a rickshaw, Bethenny laying on the floor of her bathroom after finding out she was pregnant, Simon running around in his underwear in a clothing store. Oh, and there was also the little matter of Ramona’s already-famous runway walk of insanity…
The episode opened with our first introduction to our new housewife. Sonja, as I mentioned, is profitably divorced from a super, super rich Upper East Side heir and she really likes shopping, yoga and banging any dude that slows down long enough for her to jump on. She also dated Max, the same generic sugarmommy-seeking Argentinian dude with which Kelly went on a really awkward on-camera date last season. In short, I totally love her. Did I mention that she has an elevator?
She’s on the show because she’s “friends” (I feel like none of these people are capable of having actual friends) with LuAnn, who tried to remind all of us that she’s still rich enough to be ferried around New York by immigrants by arriving to a Central Park meeting with Jill in a rickshaw. I have this image in my head of LuAnn walking down 5th Avenue, offering random people cash for a piggyback rides, and then being really confused when they’re all offended. And now that I say it, well, I wouldn’t put it past her.
The Central Park meeting was one of those super-contrived Housewives things that sometimes make these shows kind of boring – LuAnn told us all that the psychic was right and that she has a man, Jill told us that…that she’s Jewish? I don’t remember. She carried a rather nice Hermes Kelly Bag, and I do remember that.
The next time that we saw the Housewives (or most of them, anyway), it was Brooklyn Fashion Weekend, and Kelly, Alex and Ramona were going to walk in a real, live fashion show! Jill also showed up, but mostly all she did was complain about everything – the location, the chairs, the clothes. I have news for her: this was an event hosted by a Real Housewife in Brooklyn. What did Jill expect, a Chanel show at the Grand Palais? It was Brooklyn. There were hipsters. She was overdressed. LuAnn didn’t show up because LuAnn doesn’t know where Brooklyn is.
Despite her best efforts (including an argument with Kelly about Twitter – Jill actually is in high school, apparently), Jill wasn’t the biggest story at the show, and neither were Kelly’s big linebacker shoulders in her strapless dress (no snark, I have broad shoulders too, strapless is hard to pull off.) That honor was given to Ramona, who apparently travels with her own personal supply of pinot grigio, complete with stemware, in her purse. She whipped it out to throw back a few glasses before her big walk, and then she tried to sneak some of her own jewelry onto the runway. I can’t decide if I love or hate Ramona, but she’s incredibly shameless, and I guess you have to sort of respect that.
And then, she took to the runway, and it was…magical. Let’s see, how to even explain it…she managed to bug her eyes so far out that it it looked as though all of her crazy was trying to burst straight out of her face, Alien-baby style. I tried to make that face in front of my mirror a few times last night (yes, that’s what I do to entertain myself while I’m procrastinating on my recaps), and I couldn’t even replicate it. Even after a few small drinks. Ramona has internalized the sort of wild-eyed madness that alcohol alone can’t create, and she so generously allows it to peek its head out from time to time for our entertainment.
While Ramona was propelling herself down a Brooklyn runway by the fire of pure insanity, Bethenny was sitting bare-bottomed on a toilet for our entertainment, taking a pregnancy test. And, well, since she hasn’t hidden herself away for the past 8 months or so, we already know that Bethenny is pregnant. It was hard not to have a bit of sympathetic anxiety watching her frantically dial her boyfriend from the bathroom floor, leaving him histrionic, cryptic messages about the important thing that she has to tell him. Between a sudden pregnancy and her dying father refusing to see her…well, I’d be clutching my dog in the fetal position on the bathroom floor, too.
Thankfully, however, Bethenny mostly got a break this episode. The lion’s share of the episode’s public embarrassment belonged to Ramona, who didn’t stop with her crazypants runway appearance. Later, at a party for Jill’s Kodak sponsorship (really, she has a sponsorship with them?), Ramona picked a fight with Jill over Kodak’s financial situation, and then she got self-righteous about Jill’s hasty exit from the fashion show. I think that Jill deserves credit for not cackling so loud at her walk that the entire place turned to look, so we’re going to disqualify that from the argument.
Jill told Ramona that she needed to leave and the stomped off, and then LuAnn and Kelly came to diffuse the situation and Ramona managed to make them both stomp off as well, and then the cheese stood alone, sipping her pinot and plotting her next act of chaos. Because Ramona was already several sheets to the wind, she went back for more while Jill was actually on stage being honored or something, and that turned into a shouting match where Ramona told Kelly that she was brainless and she ran away, obviously afraid that Kelly would sit on her. Or something. I don’t even know anymore.