Well, well, well. The Real Housewives of New York City didn’t waste any time in posing the tough questions last night. Approximately seven minutes into the episode, we already had an existential quandary: is it worse to call someone a snake or a skank? Lofty issues, these.

The girls set a quick tempo from there and didn’t let up for a full 60 minutes. Last night was stuffed to the gills with Fashion Week drama, booze before noon, useless vanity projects, finalized divorces, meals on the Saks sales floor and public questions about botched boob jobs. If the ladies of New York City keeps things up at this pace for the rest of the season, I think I’m going to have to watch this show with a chaperone, just in case I pass out and need to be revived mid-episode.

So, here’s what I’ve decided: Jill is passive-aggressive, LuAnn is pretentious, Kelly is a moron, Ramona is certifiably insane, Bethenny is badly in need of a filter and Alex is obviously far too reasonable of a person to be around these women for long periods of time without compromising her mental stability. At the very least, those were the characteristics that they all displayed last night, and I think it was a nice opportunity to see all of the women at their most basic selves. If you had never seen the series before, this episode would have been a decent primer.

As I mentioned up top, LuAnn and Bethenny started things off properly with the second fashion-show catfight in as many episodes, beginning with a passive-aggressive (she’s learning from Jill!) dig about how Bethenny isn’t a Fashion Week regular, after which Bethenny lost her mind and called LuAnn a snake, but LuAnn heard “skank” instead. Which brings up an interesting question: would you rather be called a skank or a snake? Please let us know in the comments. For what it’s worth, I choose skank. Usually if a grown woman calls you that, it’s just because her husband thinks you’re hot.

I’m not sure exactly what beef it is that LuAnn has with Bethenny, but it sort of felt like she conducted the entire argument on Jill’s behalf (Kelly was there too, but she just sat quietly, waiting for a lull in the conversation so that she could start talking about herself) until Bethennymentioned Jill had been talking smack about her promiscuity for the past year, and the smack-talking apparently only stopped when it became opportunistic for Jill to latch on to the drama in LuAnne’s life. People keep mentioning LuAnn’s extra-marital dalliances, and it’s now to the point where I think I believe them. Didn’t Ramona say the same thing, more than once? LuAnn hasn’t exactly denied it either time that the subject has been brought up in her presence, from what I remember. Why aren’t other people asking about this stuff? I want details, LuAnn. Come on, you’ve already sold your soul for fame. What’s a little more?

The thing about fighting at Fashion Week is that you eventually have to shut up and sit down because the show starts, so we segued from those housewives to Ramona and Kelly at…well, I don’t remember what fashion show they were at, and it doesn’t matter anyway. But when it was over, Kelly made the mistake of mentioning that she had to leave to take Jill to Perez Hilton’s party, and Ramona turned eight shades of red at the knowledge that there was a party to which she hadn’t been invited. She proceeded to guilt Kelly into giving her a half-hearted invitation and then she acted like she was doing Kelly a favor by accepting it. It has become clear that Kelly should take Ramona everywhere, because as long as she’s there, Kelly still looks relatively reasonable and polite.

Kelly had no option but to tote her to the party since Ramona had thrown her kid in a taxi at the mere mention of going, and when they got to the red carpet they met up with Jill. Kelly brought up the Bethenny/LuAnn fracas from the Pamella Roland show and instead of letting Kelly explain the story to Ramona, Jill piped up to tell a story that she didn’t even witness, despite the fact that someone was present that had, you know, actually seen everything happen. Accuracy is not important to Jill but camera time sure is, and it’s hard to put the camera on someone else when she’s the one that’s constantly talking. Even if it’s about stuff that had nothing to do with her in the least, which I suppose is pretty smart, in a certain way. She who dies with the most camera time wins, after all.

Then there was some sort of little party where Bethenny poured some margaritas, and Kelly made such a deal about not wanting to try one that you would have thought Bethenny was asking her to snort a rail of coke in front of a gaggle of Page Six reporters with video cameras. Jill also had something going on, some photo shoot with her mom and sister, in which she got all of the best outfits and poses. Mom and sis didn’t seem to be amused by it, but what did they expect? They know her, right? And to be fair to Jill, they wouldn’t have gotten a book deal if it wasn’t for her involvement in this awful show, and no one knows who they are or wants to see them on the front of a book anyway.

The real point of this whole episode, however, was the not-so-little party that Jill threw at Saks Fifth Avenue for, like, a hundred of her closest friends. In stark contrast to the parties normally held on episodes of Real Housewives, this thing appeared to be a real shindig – the department store was empty, a sit-down dinner was catered in the middle of the designer showroom, Jill was wearing McQueen and carrying a totally awesome python Knuckle Buster Clutch. It wasn’t exactly a Real Housewives of Atlanta wig party, was it?

Just because they managed to throw a classy party doesn’t mean they actually acted the part, however. Ramona got absolutely blitzed on pinot grigio and roamed the party, wild-eyed and in search of drama and awkwardness. First she found it by butting into a conversation with LuAnn, Alex and Simon and telling the couple that LuAnn didn’t want to invite them to her Labor Day party because she didn’t want to interact with Simon. LuAnn said that it wasn’t true, but even if it was, what else can you say in that situation?

Ramona got angry that she was being called a liar and staggered off in search of more white wine, but meanwhile, Alex was feeling tender and vulnerable and decided that it was time to talk to Jill about the rude things that she tends to say about her children. Jill denied saying anything snarky and blamed it on LuAnn, who then came over and took the blame because Jill had slipped her a roofie before the party started so that she could lead her around like a docile pony at a kid’s birthday party. All of the blame-passing and confusion was just a bit too much for Alex, who cried a little over people be mean about her kids. When you compare it to Ramona tossing her kid into a taxi that was practically still moving in order to meet Perez Hilton, I kind of wonder how Alex even manages to put up with these people. I didn’t like her in the first season, but she and Simon have rebounded nicely.

Ramona resurfaced after everyone had been seated at the party, freshly boozed up and ready to ask Kelly if she had her boobs redone (again) in front of everyone. Perhaps it was just how the footage was edited, but the question seemed to come flying out of nowhere, as if Ramona was already having a conversation with herself about Kelly’s boobs, but no one else could hear it because it was inside of her own head. When she decided to vocalize her thoughts externally, a, uh, problem was created.

Look, I don’t like Kelly at all. She’s not even smart enough to be entertainingly awful, she’s just kind of…there, and if she’s not talking about herself, then she’s not even paying attention to what’s going on. So. I’m not the girl that’s going to come to her defense lightly, but that was just rude. Even Nene and Kim would think that that was rude. The New Jersey girls wouldn’t, but that’s only because they recognize plastic surgery as an opportunity for increased camera time, and they’re ahead of the pack in that regard.

Ramona went from speaking to Kelly while stooped over next to shouting at her while standing on the other side of the table in order to draw maximum attention to herself and her conversation, and for once, I found myself agreeing with Jill’s constant insistence that this wasn’t the time nor the place for such conversations. In fact, life is not the time nor the place. If a woman wants to talk to you about her plastic surgery, she will, particularly if she’s someone like Kelly who doesn’t have anything else to talk about. If she doesn’t, then you have to Google her and ask your mutual friends behind her back until you cobble together some sort of consensus on that person’s boob job. You certainly do not ask her in front of a table full of people at Saks.

Or, if you’re particularly industrious, you can do what my best friend and I did to find out about her ex’s little sister: you look through her Facebook pictures until you can figure out approximately when the surgery happened, and then not only do you have a verifiable answer to your question (people lie, but Facebook pictures never do), but you also get to feel like a detective for a few hours afterwards. That’s certainly preferable to acting like an a-hole on camera. Call me, Ramona, I can help you with these things. My fee is very modest.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • BLynnT

    Best recap yet! I missed the show last night, but I will undoubtedly be catching up this weekend after laughing out loud (somewhat embarrassingly) at work while reading your recap, particularly your (sound) advice for Ramona.

    Thanks for the Friday laughs!

    • I’m glad you enjoyed it! I think this is the longest recap I’ve ever written of anything, ever, but there was just so much ridiculousness last night. There was still stuff I wanted to mention that I had to leave out (Jill denying that Alex was actually upset about her comments after the tearful Saks confrontation, for example – made me very mad! I think I actually said “No, Jill, you’re just a passive-aggressive asshole,” out loud at the TV last night).

      Just when I was kind of doubting whether or not this was going to be an entertaining season, this episode really brought the crazy.

    • BLynnT

      Forgot about the (fb)!

  • Emily

    OMG – I cannot get enough of these crazy ladies. Jill Z was on the radio locally in the mornning and our local DJ was soooo rude to her. I was like, “Dude, she could rip you a new one if she wanted too – be nice!” I was actually embarrased by his behavior! (fb)

  • aka55

    In answer to your question, skank is far preferable to snake. This not only for the reason you aptly illustrated, but also because snake has wrath of God deviousness & evil ascribed to it. I, for one, see its relevance in describing the Countess named LuAnn (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

    Wasn’t it Her High & Mightyness who admonished Bethenny to speak only to one’s face & never behind one’s back. Yet last night she advocated for the opposite “you can whisper about it (plastic surgery), but don’t talk about it to their face”. I recognize that you have advocated the same tactic but, unlike the countess who looks like a queen, you haven’t held yourself out as the last word in decorum. LuAnn is all about decorum (her definition, mind you) when it suits her purposes to be so concerned. She’s the trashy girl who never quite fit in; the one willing to damage others in a vain attempt to keep her own foibles from being revealed. Hence, the otherwise puzzling war she’s waged against Bethenny. If she can keep the negative focus on Bethenny, she can, she thinks, avoid discussion of the subject that you & others have posed; a subject most likely poised to further call her poise into question.

    Good luck w/ that, LuLu!

    • I thought that was hilarious too. Here’s LuAnn, a woman who has appointed herself the end-all, be-all source for good manners and social decorum, and she’s telling everyone that it’s preferable to spread rumors and whisper behind someone’s back. I happen to agree with her in this particular instance (and most others involving plastic surgery and/or finding out why a person went to rehab), but for completely different reasons (I’m just nosy.)

  • Sofia Nolan

    thumbs up, great article !

  • Afool4Fashion

    I don’t know about you all, but I am a very ambitious woman, and I would rather be a skank snake, thank you very much! Why choose? This show is all about opulence and over indulgences…Better to be a skank snake than Tinsley Mortimer’s mom…., As the convicts on Judge Mathis would say , I rest my case !…why even stop there? Why not invite Mr. Talley from Vogue and America’s next Top Modelm to your salon from cigars and wine,whilst discussing dreckage(sp)..Where the hell is Cashmere or is it Cassimir when you need him…
    Ah! the dreckage(sp)
    Love your blog…You are dah Bomb!

  • Jen

    Let us know if all those rumors about LuAnn are true please!

  • Tanya

    love the way you summed up i haven’t had a chance to see it yet. great article:0) (fb)

  • Lisa in Oregon

    You brought your “A” game today Amanda! After watching the show, I was dying to know what you were going say. You did not disappoint!!

    My thought during the whole “Jill at Saks” party was that she wanted to host the most glorious party she knew how…and not invite Bethanny. See Bethanny? All the “cool girls” were invited, but not you. She kept doting on her guests and proclaiming how much they “meant” to her. Give me a break. And the photo shoot with her mom and sister – what a display of competitiveness with her sister for superiority! Her sister is highly educated and successful, but Jill has to find a way to outshine her. She came across as really petty, in my opinion.

    Ramona was on point. I’m going to bet she’s not even a bit embarrassed by her behavior either. I don’t care what she says about her contact lenses, she has CRAZY EYES when the Pinot is poured!!!

  • Sorral

    I do not even bother watching anymore, I prefer your recaps. And yes Jill is extremely passive-aggressive and mean-spirited. I want to see why eventually Alex flips out on her and calls it like it is. As for B, well I understand where she is coming from, but I saw her book at a book fair that was recently in the lobby of where I work and just laughed and laughed……..

  • Mia

    The same Alex who pathetically plotted to get a mention in the Style section of the Times is who you deem “reasonable”? I must have missed the episodes where she and her ridiculous husband rebounded nicely.

    And Jill looked lovely in McQueen.

  • Amanda Allison

    Amanda, this is the perfect summary of RHONYC. My favorite line of last night’s episode was from Bethenny. “I got the three Bs – boyfriend, booze, and books.” That’s the story of my life! I actually quoted that line on my facebook status and apparently none of my friends like Bethenny this season. I still adore her. One thing I did not adore: Kelly’s need to pair a cap sleeve tee with black mini skirt. I just don’t get it. The combo is one of her fave looks. And, even though she can pull it off, it still looks awful.

    (fb)

  • S

    I loved the recap! Especially Ramona’s random decision to mention Kelly’s boobs after having a discussion in her head. But I have to say: I would rather people go around wondering and discussing if I had plastic surgery rather than being called a dumb drag queen behind my back/on national television. BTW hate to say it, but has Bethany looked in the mirror? Why does she go around making fun of people’s looks. And I agree with you about Alex being the most reasonable. So what if she likes to go to parties and “network”? I don’t have kids, but I’d be pissed if someone had the audacity to make fun of them in front of my face. And I’d totally would rather be called a skank than a snake.

  • Kemji

    Another great recap, Ms. Mull! Your assessment of the ladies in the third paragraph is spot-on! Did Ramona say something about Jill’s relationship with Saks souring because Jill kept returning clothes after wearing them?! I think Ramona is the skanky evil snake. That was in such poor taste, even for a RH.

    Bethany. She just has me standing with my hands on my hips, shaking my head! I’m so happy for her but she needs to ride her success high above the fray and stop running her mouth like a bitter old spinster. She’s got too much bile for someone whose got so much going for her. She really should have a happier disposition.

  • Handbag Lover

    Good article! They are getting on my nerves but Luann’s Purple Dress was HOT! Loved it.

  • Rosanna

    Thanks for the awesome recap! I haven’t had the chance to see this episode yet, but I can’t wait!

    Luann is probably my least favorite on the show. Bethenney is right; she definitely is a snake (and if the rumors are true, maybe a skank too? lol). And I don’t like Jill at all this season. Alex and Simon seem like the only sane ones of this show! (fb)

  • Catherine

    WoW… living in Belgium has its disadvantages :( thank’s for the recap = think I’ve just found a new tv programme I want to watch :) (fb)

    • Ann

      where in Belgium are you living? I was born there and lived there for a long time and moved to Oregon 5 years ago.
      Lots of different Housewives series over here and they are addictive once you start watching them. I haven’t seen this one yet. (fb)

  • Emily

    Bethenny cracks me up every episode. I’m not sure if I would love her or hate her in person. (fb)

  • Tessa

    I watched this episode on On Demand last night and became aquainted with this show and it’s characters for the first time and was FLOORED. Dear God, are there really people like this? I have never watched any of the Real Housewives show and I was glued. The sad part was that it gives a horrible example of women. It’s like every cliche is represented in spades here. I seriously can’t believe these people are real. Great Blog though.

  • Char

    I think this season is really showing the true colors of the NY women. The other series displayed fake high school behavior and now NY has finally joined them as well. The bickering is becoming downright annoying although it was interesting in the beginning. I cannot believe the bluntness of Ramona but at the same time…..HOW REFRESHING!!! Yea it was a bit inappropriate but at least there is no talking behind their backs. Bethenny is cool because I love her rags to riches story and she doesn’t pretend. I could not stand Alex in the first season either but now I realize how wrong I was. She is the only normal one even though her husband loves to dress in woman’s clothing. LuAnn is absolutely effing loathsome, annoying, fake and unlikeable. Jill used to be one of my fav but I think I prefer her mom more so. Kelly is dumb as a box of rocks.

  • Tiffany

    All they ever do is argue and complain! It seems at the most inappropriate times too! I don’t understand why Bethenny would choose to try and be friends with Kelly! Especially after last season! It will end up backfiring on her badly!

    Ramona asking Kelly about her breasts, seems normal to me. It is rude but alot of people ask me that, and I am in shock every time. It just seems like people are not very considerate, or they don’t assume it will hurt the others feelings! Mine are real!

    Anyway, I may have to rethink watching this season at all! It gets me aggravated..LOL

  • Idealist

    Amanda I love your recaps! I always watch and wait for your article every week to see what you have to say.

    1st. Jill is so awful this seaon! She’s such an instigator and is always riding on the bandwagon of whatever drama is going on even if it doesn’t involve her.

    2nd. Bethany: I’ve kind of been going back & forth with her this season. I’m happy that she’s in love & has a lot going for herself. But she’s always in the midst of some battle with the girls & she gets so dramatic about it until its annoying. Sometimes she just needs to calm down. For instance that blowout with LuAnn at the fashion show was a major Whoa! It was uncomfortable & so unnecessary!

    3. LuAnn’s attitude alone is hilarious. From the first season she has always felt the need to tell everyone what is the correct protocol to do everything, what is appropriate, what is not…So, I never pay attention to anything she says.

    4. Kelly always seems to be on a planet that no one else is on. It just seems as though her mind is always playing the message “We’re sorry no one is available @ the time”. but I did agreed with her when Bethany was trying to shove that skinny girl drink down her throat like some sort of pusher! It’s like the conjure cognac of the housewives. I’m just so sick of hearing about that drink lol

    5. I like Alex this season. She’s my favorite! & I felt bad for her when she cried about Jill’s comments about her kids. Jill is such “ugh” this season.

    6. & Last Ramona just talks way too much!

    Keep the recaps coming!

  • JillHater

    I’ve always hated Jill from the first time we saw her in the limo calling herself a “Socialite” and showing off her invitations. I was shocked that people thought that she’s down to earth. I’m so glad that fans of the show are seeing her for what she truly is. She is a big-mouth,Jap, instigator, show-off. I can go on! First season showing off that her husband can afford to charter a private plane, last season, the $6,000 bag and the obnoxious comment about the Baby ring and the Mama ring. This last episode was the “gold key” for the special Saks clients and showing off the $6,000 Vuitton trunk. The others don’t show off like that. The irony is that before she met Bawby, she was a shopgirl as Saks for men’s underwear and met Bobby. She was living in a one bedroom with Ally in Queens. Anyone that calls themself a Socialite isnt’.

    The funniest thing is when the unfiltered Ramona said that she thought Jill was blackballed because she returns clothes after she wears them. She is the type to do it. Her overly facelifted mother is just as obnoxious. Her sister actually seems kinda normal.

    • NCGal

      I really object to the anti-Semitic language you used in your post, JillHater. It is unnecessary and doesn’t have a place in this blog…or anywhere for that matter.
      Thanks…

  • bonybynatur2003

    WOW! I could almost skip the show with that detailed description, LOL! They have so much drama and BS that its almost like a train wreck-you cant help but watch. But anyways-I would prefer skank. I can deal with that, thats hater talk. Snake is personal, wjereas skank is just jealousy. (fb)

  • Cara Mia

    I love the way your write. I love the way you think.
    Personally, I would rather be called a snake. The term seems to have more intelligence than skank. Snake seems to be a characteristic to be reckoned with. Skank is so….low class. Easier to ignore a skank. A snake keeps you on your toes.
    Does anyone ever wonder about the men who seem to love these women? It must be that they’ve never actually watched the show.
    I’m a native New Yorker and being a native New Yorker I would NEVER have put my 14 year old daughter, alone, in a taxi…ever but ESPECIALLY to go to a party that I wasn’t even invited to.
    All these women seem to suffer from severe hypocrisy.

  • Beverly

    I would prefer to be called a snake. I feel like it when you call someone that, you’re crediting that person with at least a bit of intelligence for being able to outsmart you in a sense. Skanky is just demeaning in every way.

    The latest episodes of Real Housewives of NYC are getting good.. I’ve always preferred OC and NJ to NYC since I found it kind of boring, but these ladies are just so rambunctious (fb)

  • sienna

    why are we talking about Real Housewives here? Seriously, who gives a crap about trash old hags with ugly LV monograms? It is a waste of precious PURSEblog space and should have its own postings somewhere else.

    • Well, that’s kind of a stupid question to ask when nearly 30 blog readers commented before you about how much they enjoy that we post these here.

  • kemilia

    Loved the recap–you reminded me of things I missed (probably because I was mixing up another Tanq & tonic). The kid being dumped in the taxi–priceless. And one thing I always chortle at is when they go to LuAnn for her comments in between the madness, she is ALWAYS wearing some “look, I am a Native American” jewelry stuff. Can’t wait until next week’s episode–keep up the good blogging.

  • Melissa

    I totally agree with your recap… i watched the episode the other night and those women just get more catty every time! Ramona is the one to hate this season, for myself atleast…she seems to be bipolar and inappropriate all the time! Love your blog!! (fb)

  • HandbagReport

    Amanda, I really enjoy your recaps! It was hilarious! I totally agree with the facts that Idealist (#21) pointed out. I can’t wait for the next episode – it looks more drama is in store!

  • HandbagReport

    Amanda, I really enjoy your recaps! It was hilarious! I totally agree with the facts that Idealist (#21) pointed out. I can’t wait for the next episode – it looks like more drama is in store!

  • ~pursegirl

    They are hilarious this season…..Ramona Grigio! LOL

  • lily

    sometimes, *cringe* when this is on. (fb)

  • kylie

    i agree with you on their personality/character types 100%… sadly, these shows are so addicting to watch! (fb)

  • Jocelyn

    I don’t watch this show :\

    Tag for Linea Pelle (fb)

  • Joy

    (fb)
    agreed.. ^

  • Sylvia

    Kelly is so immature and says things without thinking. She really needs to get help and just dissapear. Every point for argument she has ever brought up makes no sense. If i was her child i would be embarrassed.

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