Real Housewives of New York City: “Gummy bears don’t come from the vine.”
Everyone was drunk last night. Wastey-face, sorority-girl, spring-break-at-Panama-City-Beach, puke-on-your-own shoes drunk. Well, except Bethenny, because she’s pregnant. And Jill, because Jill wasn’t in the episode (at all!). But all of the other Real Housewives of New York City were tossing drinks back like they had just gotten done with finals.
They drank and ate, ate and drank, and then they yelled at each other and revealed some latent lesbian tendencies. Ramona danced her middle-aged white lady jig during what she called “turtle time,” and then there were some Hooters girls. As intensely alcoholic as the whole thing was, I would have picked their booze cruise over LuAnn’s awkward, slobbery date with a manchild any day. I mean, it looked like he had highlights.
Let’s just go ahead and get this unpleasantness out of the way: LuAnn fancies herself a singer just likes Kim from Atlanta does, and she found herself a producer with a mohawk that would actually go on record as thinking that she’s just great. He also wears his sunglasses inside, and I think that tendency tells you a lot about a person’s ability to make thoughtful, well-reasoned decisions. As for the actual recording, we all know how that part goes because we all watched Kim do it on and off for two season, but LuAnn went in, recorded, hit about a third of the notes and got auto-tuned within an inch of her life. The scenes where she sang were terrible but mercifully short, and I don’t think too much blood leaked out of my ears in the process.
In much more pleasant surroundings, Bethenny, Kelly, Alex and Sonja accompanied Ramona on her bachelorette trip to St. John, which they insisted on referring to as a “bachelorette” despite the fact that Ramona has been married for 17 years. The place looked gorgeous and Ramona rented a ginormous yacht for all of them, and when Kelly saw it, she took of in a dead sprint toward it like if she got to the boat first, she would get to keep it. Incidentally, Kelly doesn’t know what the phrase “eating crow” means or that gummy bears have fake sugar in them. Those are just a few things that we learned while the ladies were in the process of arriving at their vacation destination.
Ramona bought approximately 8,000 bathing suits and it was kind of adorable how excited she was about the whole thing, but the atmosphere got contentious pretty fast. Bethenny was straight off of a trip to her father’s funeral and understandably in a bit of a mood, and Kelly was…well, she was just Kelly. Bethenny made some joke about needing to crush the grapes in the fridge if the waiter didn’t get the intravenous drip of pinot to Ramona quickly enough, and Kelly got upset because she actually thought that Bethenny was going to mash up the grapes. Yep. I really can’t improve on that, beyond the sort of farcical idiocy that it already is.
Then Ramona and Alex mentioned the issue of the Death Text from last week’s episode and Kelly freaked out, demonstrated her profound misunderstanding of the concept of metaphors, told the group that Alex wasn’t a normal person, denied that she was a sorority girl, said that she was going to go do cartwheels and then almost smashed into a glass door while trying to storm out. Like, literally, all of that took place in the space of about a minute and a half last night. Sometimes I make stuff up because it’s more interesting than what actually happens on this show, but Kelly’s day-to-day life is stranger than any of the stuff that I have swimming around inside of my head. Kelly and Bethenny were not allowed to sit together at the next meal.
Sonja, for her part, just wanted to know when it was time for her pedicure and didn’t care to hear anything about Jill. Later, she refused to go snorkeling because she didn’t want to ruin her good hair day. I like Sonja. I could have drinks with Sonja.
Did someone say drinks? It’s time for our first bout of drunkenness for this episode! That embarrassing guy from a couple of weeks ago, Coerte (I used my journalism school powers and fact-checked that one, that’s actually how you spell his name), took LuAnn to the dingiest corner of Chinatown for dinner and she seemed a tad horrified, but when they sat down and he ordered a drink called the “deal closer” in a really gross attempt to flirt, she seemed kind of charmed, which only made the entire thing even more gross than it already was.
As if that wasn’t enough, in order to up the ante of groan-worthy date faux pas, HE GAVE HER A COPY OF HIS BOOK. He told her that he had a surprise for her…and the surprise was his book. If I had been LuAnn, I would have taken the book and used it to beat him about the face. For some reason, though, she didn’t seem nearly as disappointed by that “gesture” as I would have been. In fact, the book-giving lead to them talking about “playing tennis” on LuAnn’s “court,” but I’m pretty sure that’s not what they were actually talking about at all. Then there was a ball of fire that whipped through the place and it almost managed to burn the image of the two of them awkwardly making out from my retinas. Almost. But not quite. It was sort of like this:
Back on the yacht, the girls were taking shots of Café Patron (such beautiful, delicious booze that stuff is) and things got a little emotional and share-y when Bethenny mentioned her father’s recent death. Kelly took it upon herself to tell Bethenny that her feelings about her father were incorrect and that her situation wasn’t all that terrible, and even if that was true (which, by all accounts, it doesn’t seem to be), that’s still not appropriate to say to someone immediately following the death of their father. Luckily for all involved, Ramona showed up just in the nick of time, slurring her words and waving around a Hooters calendar. Soon after, the conversation moved on to whether or not Kelly fantasizes about women and if she should have a one-night stand (Sonja is voting yes, Kelly is dubious. Kelly’s from the Midwest, you see, where no one has ever had a one-night stand, ever.)
And then it became clear that Ramona wasn’t the only one who was a few sheets to the wind – they were ALL hammered. Sonja went from talking about having sex (which seems to be her default position) to admitting that she was insecure about her body and not entirely over her divorce. Bethenny and Sonja were both having lots of messy emotions and kumbaya-share-time and Kelly got mad at them for feeling things, which she thinks is a very 1979 thing to do. Literally, she said that. And then Kelly told Bethenny that she wasn’t a chef, that she was just a cook (which is somehow creepy), and that no one cared about her, and that she should get over the stuff that went on last year, and again that she was creepy. Oh, and also, she’s a “ho bag.” After laying that one down, Kelly stormed off, managing to not smash her face into a door that time.
Bethenny, for her part, stayed completely calm and then went over to the Hooters boat next door, where Ramona was hammered and flirting with some old man, yet somehow simultaneously talking about how she loves Mario. Ramona may or may not have grabbed Bethenny’s boobs while she was trying to tell Ramona about the spontaneous screaming match that just broke out between her and Kelly, and I’m not sure that the entirety of the story penetrated Ramona’s alcohol haze.
Eventually Kelly showed up on the Hooters boat and Ramona really tried to kick her off, but she was too drunk and got distracted by the idea that they should all go have “turtle time.” Turtle time, as it turns out, is what Ramona calls it when she gets to go do her white lady samba, which has no relationship to the actual beat of the music, at some tourist bar called the Fat Turtle. While Alex, Bethenny and Ramona had turtle time, Sonja and Kelly were having some time of their own that involved wrestling on a bed. Not that I mean to, you know, cast aspersions or anything…
An interesting tidbit to start this afternoon’s discussion: on Watch What Happens Live after the show last night, Andy Cohen said that Kelly hated the way that this episode was edited and felt like it was unfair to her. I say that she shouldn’t blame other people just because she forgot what a jerk she was when she was drunk – what do you say?
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Real Housewives of New York City: “That’s why you’re not married to Ramona.”
Real Housewives of New York City: “I’m not a pregnant type of person.”
Real Housewives of New York City: “I wouldn’t know a model if it fell on me. But you can only hope.”
Real Housewives of New York City: “Subtle like a train crash.”
