Now that Real Housewives of New York City is getting ready to grind to a rather anticlimactic halt, it’s time for the broads of Real Housewives of New Jersey to step up their game and act like the table-flipping, prostitution-whoring, thick-as-thieves hot messes that we all know they can be. Despite a trip to fashion week and the addition of another tiny guidette, the first four episodes of the season have been a bit anticlimactic.

Last night’s episode wasn’t great, but it was pretty darn good for a fifth episode, which is usually where most seasons start getting a little boring before their eventual march to bigger drama in later weeks. This wasn’t the weave-ripping, knife-pulling good time that was featured in the pre-season clips, but it was a disaster of Danielle proportions nonetheless.

First, let’s deal with the more pleasant aspects of the episode. Teresa was released from the hospital with her baby and enough flowers to cover a Macy’s float on Thanksgiving Day, all of them pink, of course. Part of me wonders why no one was able to find leopard-print flowers for her, because I’m sure that she’s paid some poor florist enough money to figure out how to make them in the past. On the car ride back to their conference center/airport/house, Teresa told her husband that she wants him to have a vasectomy because four kids is enough. Naturally, he refused and talked about his penis like it was the third person in the car. At least he didn’t call it “he.”

Over at the Manzos’, Caroline dealt with some awkwardness. Her son Chris has a best friend withs a rich, bored, easily lead mother that would like her moment of reality TV fame, and she is Danielle’s latest temporary friend acquisition. They’re going together to the baby cancer benefit at the Brownstone, which obviously puts the Manzos in kind of a weird spot. In order to lighten the awkward mood, one of the kids tried to instigate a round of the Ham Game, but Caroline puts that kibosh on that, much to Chris’s chagrin. They all sat down to have a serious conversation about the kid’s mom’s friendship with Danielle, and I know that the kids are adults, but why bring the kids into all of this? Chris asked his mom not to “eff” up their friendship, and it should have been left at that to begin with.

In other Manzo news, Caroline’s other kids decided to take Jacqueline’s daughter and her boyfriend to dinner to grill him about why he’s being creepy and dating an 18-year-old that’s couch-surfing and still deciding if she wants to be a marine biologist or a fashion designer. (Well, is 18 and 23 creepy? I dated a guy that age when I was 18. It might have been creepy. I try to block that relationship out.) He mostly stayed quiet, which was probably the best course of action, while Albie and Lauren asked if they planned on getting married and other mortifying questions. They said yes, which I think most insecure 18-year-old girls say in that situation. I give ’em a couple of months.

Meanwhile, Jacqueline got together with Derek’s mom to discuss the responsibility and maturity of their children and then proceeded to get slap-happy drunk. Derek’s mom assured her that she doesn’t allow Ashley to get slap-happy drunk in her house, which apparently Derek still lives in. Maybe they’re more appropriate for each other than I had originally thought? Let me get this straight: Derek is 23. He lives at home, works at Blockbuster (that’s what they said in a previous episode, right?), and is dating an 18-year-old that has no job and no education. Why in the world did he let himself be on this show and an object of ridicule? Another good life decision, Derek and Ashley.

Speaking of children and questionable decision-making, Teresa, freshly post-pregnancy, hosted a party for about a zillion 9-year-old girls that involved a pink stretch limo and the presentation of her daughter’s birthday present. What would be appropriate for a third grader from a rich family? Honestly, I have no earthly idea, but what she got was a bright red kid-sized ATV. Because ATVs are so safe for 9-year-olds. Just for extra safety, she strapped one of the smaller kids on back.

Then all 84 of the girls got into the limo and screamed in unison, and for the second week in a row, my reproductive organs packed themselves up and left my apartment. The limo docked at some place that does little girls’ birthday parties and they proceeded to have the little girl equivalent of a spa party. Then, for reasons unknown, they all jumped around. Actually, it looked kind of fun. I want to go to a party like that, but for girls that are in their mid-20s. With cocktails.

Now, finally, it’s time for the real meat of the show: Danielle and the Brownstone baby cancer event. The Manzos have decided that Danielle is a welcome participant as long as she’s a paying customer like everyone else, which actually seemed like a rather mature, businesslike attitude to take about the whole ordeal. I mean, considering that Danielle is a crazy stalker that’s obsessed with their family, after all. They were more diplomatic about it than I would have been. Of course, my approach would have involved a rooftop sniper, so being more diplomatic than I am really isn’t all that difficult.

In advance of the event, Kim G. (Danielle’s latest rich friend) arrived to her house in a Bentley piloted by a man identified as her “driver,” only to soon be joined by Danny the sleeveless ex-con from the previous episode, who managed to put on sleeves for the event but not a pair of dress pants. Kim G. was amused by him until she found out that Danny was still on parole (for what, we’re not sure, but use your imagination), but she settled into the idea rather quickly. He’s not a real criminal, after all, he’s a mob guy…so perhaps that’s somewhat permissible in her part of town. Although if he really is a wiseguy, I’m pretty sure he’s going to get in trouble with his boss for acting like one on a reality show. Although maybe he doesn’t have a boss. Maybe he’s a freelance wiseguy.

As it turns out, the this particular benefit is stocked with weapons! Convenient. Some kind of hunting club is sponsoring it, and if Sleeveless Danny is on parole, shouldn’t he not be around firearms? Or just in possession of one? I’m confused about the legal details on that one, having never been on parole myself. In addition to his own sketchy presence, Danny had also called the Hell’s Angels, complete with their fancy leather jackets, to escort Danielle into the building. When they got inside, they all expected to be seated and fed, but none of the extra people had actually RSVP’d or paid, so they didn’t have a table for them.

In a response befitting their level of maturity and intelligence, Danielle’s ex-con friends made an enormous scene at the fundraiser for a cancer-stricken baby, swearing and yelling and confronting random people that didn’t have any idea what was going on. Danielle wanted to make sure that everyone was looking at and talking about her instead of the family that was actually supposed to be the recipient of the evening’s attention, so she faked being kicked out in the slowest way possible, wandering around the event and the lobby to make sure that everyone knew she was being kicked out, even though she was objectively not being kicked out at all. They set up an extra table for the group, but it wasn’t nice enough. That’s how they kicked her out.

They kept going on and on about how Chris told Kim G. that they were in for a surprise, but he was pretty clearly talking about their outfits and Bentleys in relation to the camo-painted shotguns and jeans that were going on upstairs. Because Danielle has a very dangerous combination of idiocy and insanity going on, she became convinced that the Brownstone had conspired to leave her unannounced guests off of the seating chart, despite the fact that they key word in that statement is “unannounced.” As Dina aptly pointed out, the Brownstone doesn’t make the seating charts anyway – they just set up the tables. They don’t know or decide who will sit where, since the Manzos weren’t throwing the event, but merely hosting it.

Perhaps the worst part of the entire display, however, was how determined Danielle was to make the event about her. There appeared to be hundreds of people present to help out an extremely sick child and Danielle was just another invited guest, but she swanned around the event like it was in her honor, telling anyone that slowed down too long how she couldn’t believe that she would be treated so poorly. She even pulled the obviously exhausted and grief-stricken mother aside to tell her that she was being kicked out, a development about which the woman (rightly) didn’t seem at all concerned. She was likely glad to be rid of her – if only we were all so lucky.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Anna

    haaa! loved last nights episode!!!! i always knew that danielle was CRAZY and a horrible mother but last night sealed the deal. she is officially a paranoid, psychotic, ricrackulous human who should really eat a donut or two…her gaunt face is starting to haunt me in my dreams…PS, Dina looked sooooo pretty last night! I am thinking about doing a subtle streak of color in my blond hair too. LOVE THAT SHOW!!!!!! :) hehehe, its my guilty pleasure…

  • Linda

    I’ve been waiting for this recap since I completely missed this episode. Apparently, I’ve also missed the head count of Therea’s kids….four? She has the two little girls she always takes shopping and the new baby. Who and where is #4? TIA for the answer!

    • suz

      I had the same question until they paraded out to greet the new baby. I guess #2 and #3 are somewhat interchangeable.

    • There’s one kid that gets very little camera time that I probably couldn’t pick out of a lineup. There’s Gia and Milania, The One of Which No One Speaks, and then the new one.

      • mochababe73

        If I’m not mistaken, the girls are Gia, Milania, Gabriella, and Audriana.

  • suz

    Am I crazy? Wasn’t Kim G that shelled shocked broad at Danielle’s luncheon who didn’t seem to know why she was there or who Danielle was? I guess it’s another case of fame-ho-ness. Honestly, if Danny were a character on a sitcom, we would all think he was just a silly over-the-top two bit actor….and a bad one at that. Are we sure he and his posse weren’t brought in from central casting? That whole scene at the Brownstone was just too good to be true.

    I have to say…..I found the birthday party to be scarier than “Night of the Living Dead”. Those little girls are actually going to grow up and populate our world. Help!

    Love the recap. You always hit the nail on the head.

    • I couldn’t believe that one of them was ACTUALLY WEARING a Hell’s Angels leather bomber jacket. Or that anyone actually owns one of those. What was this, the Rolling Stones at Altamont?

      And it was indeed the same Kim G from Danielle’s luncheon, the one that got called out for being “friends” with Caroline. She denied being friends with her, and I guess Danielle saw her opening. If she’s rolling around in a Bentley with a driver, I’m sure that Danielle will be able to leach a good bit of money from her before she even knows what’s happening.

      • suz

        …and that Hell’s Angels jacket sure looked shiny and new……

      • Tess

        And Kim G. was the only one from Danielle’s motley crew who made a donation to the baby’s charity – I guess Danielle will claim that as her donation.

  • Ashley

    Does anyone else read the ladies’ blogs on bravotv? That is where Danielle’s true colors really start to shine. I watch the episodes, read all the recaps, and then really like reading the blogs. She lives in her own world, which is clearly a psychotic one.

    • mochababe73

      Danielle’s blogs are so vile and ugly. Then at the end she offers love, light, and blessings.

  • Irene

    Hard to believe people like Danielle are actually ‘out and about’ and among us!!!!!!!! OMG…she’s downright CRAZY and soooooooooooo self-absorbed. Her daughters…to have a mother like that. They must be so embarrassed. Theresa & Joe’s third daughter’s name is Gabriella. And, Yes…Dina looked amazing last night…BEAUTIFUL.

  • JenG

    Amanda we need to change your name to Bethenny! LOL at vagina packing up and leaving! Watching last nights episode I was nervous for the Manzo family because it is clear that Danielle is crazy! She made a mountain out of a mohill! Nobody was concerned about her and to bring bodyguards who are ex-cons who could hurt someone because she is over-reacting is crazy. I really think they need to replace Danielle before innocent people get hurt. She is not operating with a full deck.

    • True fact: I bought a bottle of Skinnygirl margaritas for a get-together yesterday. Maybe I’m slowly morphing in to Bethenny. Hopefully that means I’ll get skinnier.

  • hannah

    dina DID look gorgeous! i have blonde hair and thought about adding a streak of color in mine too, Anna!
    and danielle from new jersey and kelly from new york need to be best friends and go off to some deserted island somewhere! i hate them both!!!

  • amy

    what i couldnt believe was Danny’s constant cursing at that event while Danielle was just like yeah i have a posse at an event for a child. Literally this ep made me sick to watch to Danielle. Kim G even looked embarrassed to be with Danielle at that point.

    I did read the blog, where Danielle admitted that she probably should have gone alone. Yeah think?! Instead of making a scene at a child benefit, but during filming she seemed totally like im here to make the Manzo’s look bad in every single way on national television. What really bothers me about this season is how the children take a hits from the parents. Im glad Dina took Lexi out, at one of the kids wasnt subjected to danielles crazyness in blogs and during on camera interviews.
    I read online that apparently they are trying to get danielle outta of the spotlight and the show, hopefully because i couldnt stand another season of this crazy woman.

  • mochababe73

    That ATV was specially made for children. You could tell. As someone from TX who sees these things on a weekly basis, it wasn’t a “real” four wheeler. They are MUCH bigger.
    If I had a little girl, I would totally give her and her little friends a spa party. They looked like the had so much fun. Like Teresa said, Gia is the most high maintenance of all the girls. If I’m not mistaken, isn’t Sweet and Sassy a chain store.
    I am so glad that the other Housewives steered clear of the event. That was the best course of action.
    Danielle has clearly lost her last good brain cell. These men were scary, and, like Teresa said, she is a psycho bitch. Danielle’s sole purpose for going to this event had NOTHING to do with Emanuela. It had everything to do with getting revenge on the Manzos. Period. End of discussion.
    Finally, it is amazing to me that Kim G would hang out with Deranged Danielle. This woman has a Bentley, a driver, and an $8000 handbag, but she chooses to hang out with trash. Maybe Lu Ann is correct. “Money Can’t Buy You Class”.

  • KB

    uugghhhhh Danielle is a freaking nut job

  • Pamela

    Danielle is SO crazy… She’s starting to piss me off. I want them all to kick her off the show, I can’t stand the creepiness and hurt shes trying to cause for the Manzos. I grew up in Alpine, NJ which is a lot more exclusive than Franklin Lakes and I understand the upbringing in these towns and being affilated with people who has a lot of money or who is in the mob. The fact that she’s bringing people like that around the Manzos is really scary and really mean, but I’m pretty sure the Manzos are really, really powerful. For some reason, I think Danielle feels threatened by them (for a reason I have no idea about!) and feels really small next to them, so she’s doing all this to make herself look better because like Jacqueline said, she comes from a broken past. I hope Danielle watches these shows and gets bitched out at everyday in real life for her behavior so she can crawl up in a hole and cry. Her behavior is so disgusting!

  • Mona

    Danielle needs to go, something is really wrong with her. I hope someone is watching out for her girls.
    We know she made it to the end of this season so let her go and add Kim G as the new member.
    Hopefully it would still be intertaining but not so mean. Danielle is frightening and I if were Caroline, Teresa, Dina & Jacqueline I would hire protection.

  • Carla

    Does anyone know where to get the necklace that Teresa had on last night while she was narrating her baby’s birth? It was a rhinestone cross with colored beads. It is not on her website and I have googled it all day.

    • amy

      I know that Jersey women wear Virgin Saints and Angels jewelry. The necklaces are pretty pricey nearly 300.

  • Matthew

    When Jacqueline and that woman were drinking, I sorta started to wonder if they were going to make out.

    Then I decided I wanted some of what they were having.

  • cindy

    Why is there always a nut job in every Bravo show, It is quiet disturbing to see someone who is so low class gold digger like Danielle gangsta group……that’s making her daughter promise her a big house one day….
    and Kelly from New York housewives…. She should be locked up with Danielle……

  • Handbag Lover

    Last night was a good show, better then the other ones. Danielle has a serious problem. What she did last night wasn’t necessary at all. Jacqueline needs to grow up, her daughter is running over her because she is allowing it. Funny how Danielle has a new car and new weave and a new wardrobe but her house is falling apart. UGH she gets on my nerves bad.

    Good and funny recap! :)

    • Matthew

      I agree that last night was a decent episode. First one of the season to hold my attention. Still nothing compared to NYC, though…

  • Reece

    i dont think theres anything wrong with the party Theresa planned! they are little girls and want to play dress up! did u guys do that when u were a kid? ive seen many bdays parties @ the mall that were similar like at Libby Liu! its not like they get to do their hair and nails everyday.. its fun to play once in a while! as for the ATV.. its not a real ATV and it doesnt go as fast as it looks! i see kids riding those in the park or following their mom and dads riding bikes. its like the “new” Barbie jeep! ugh i wanted one those soo bad when i was 9!

    as for Danielle… my GOD woman, GET A LIFE! she is so paranoid! she honestly needs some serious health. i really think that the manzos need to treat her with kid gloves.. kinda like Kelly on housewives NYC. shes a legit looney toon! i think the manzos should be careful how they respond to Danielle bc she could react the wrong way!

    • True story: when I was five years old, I had to spend some time playing with the twin sons of a distant relative while all of the adults in the family went to a funeral. When everyone go back, the mother of the kids asked if everyone had fun, and I walked up to her and told her that her children were poorly behaved. Even when I was very little, I was never much for the screaming and chaos.

      Although I did go to a birthday party in elementary school where we went to a local beauty college to get our nails painted and hair braided (there were no Libby Lus or whatever when I was a kid, but beauty schools would host a group of kids for a relatively reasonable price), and we all managed to behave ourselves. It was probably the best birthday party that I went to as a kid, it was great fun to have a “spa” day. Nothing wrong with that part!

  • La Reina

    Great recap! Regarding Jacqueline’s daughter and her boyfriend, yes I think 18 and 23 is an age gap that should cause concern. However, I read something that shed some positive light on him in J’s blog… “What was not mentioned on the show was that besides Derek working at Blockbuster, he also works with Autistic adults and goes to college full time. He is a hard worker.” So, we shouldn’t have assumed he’s a lazy bum because it sounds like he’s not.

    The Danielle stuff seemed so desperate, so fake and played out for TV… really hard to watch. The guys that she brought with her made me feel like I needed to take a shower… in Purell. The father of the girl went public saying how Danielle used his baby’s illness for selfish reasons, and he was very honest about how he felt about it. I was happy about that. (http://blog.zap2it.com/thedishrag/2010/05/real-housewives-danielle-staub-chris-stilianessis-says-she-used-his-babys-illness-for-revenge.html)

  • Manuela

    This was by far the most horrific RH episode I’ve seen so far, any city considered. Danielle is a very, very sick woman who needs treatment asap for BPD. Oh my God!

    I agree with a previous poster who said that Danielle needs to be cut loose from this program before she really hurts someone. Her behavior is escalating, stoked on by the cameras and attention, and will only abate when she doesn’t get her “drug of choice”, attention.

    I wonder if Bravo will accept any portion of blame when one of the other women end up clipped by Danielle’s vehicle, beaten by one of Danielle’s thugs, or grazed by a drive-by bullet. No doubt, this is really getting out of hand.

  • raven

    omg daniell really showed who she was and that is crazy

  • jason

    Would it have hurt for them including any brothers of the hells angels mc to attend. They knew it was a benifit to raise money with camera crews….. they could have been there to donate a large amount…. but we will never know because people’s imagination gets in the way…..get over it….actually not letting them stay caused the problem….. but I guess the non rsvp’s money won’t help the cause….. if the people that attended was there for the right reasons, they wouldn’t have been so conserned about who else attended! SUPPORT 81

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