Last night Bravo very seriously tried to kill me by airing two episodes of Real Housewives back-to-back, but I survived their vicious attacks and managed to actually wake up this morning, so first up on my recap docket is Real Housewives of New Jersey. And, well…where do I even begin?
Last night, there were sex tapes, pig testicles, stripper poles, and nearly pornographic close-up shots of prosciutto. Danny The Ex-Con made it rain, Jacqueline kicked Ashley out of her house but let her boyfriend stay, and Dina told Danielle she was crazy and left the show, just as we had expected she would. In the words of the Grateful Dead, what a long, strange trip it’s been. And to think, we’re only halfway through the season.
This episode started right where the last one left off: at the Dina/Danielle showdown. Danielle was still having a fit and somehow managed to blame the entire situation on the fact that Dina has a second husband and Caroline found the book that Danielle’s ex wrote about her (which, let’s face it, was likely given to them by Bravo producers). I was entirely distracted by Dina’s sparkly Louis Vuitton bag after she got up, so I’m not sure exactly what else happened in between that and when she left the restaurant.
I did notice, however, that just like most crazy people, Danielle gets REALLY mad when you call her crazy. In retaliation, she called Dina’s hair fake, which is just beautifully ironic since Danielle has the most gloriously awful weave this side of Kim Zolciak. Dina stormed out, dumbstruck by the hair comments, and Danielle called her thugs over to console her. For once, Danny The Ex-Con didn’t look particularly impressed with her outrage since it was finally clear that Danielle wasn’t in any real physical danger at the hands of any of the Manzos.
In a slightly less contentious part of New Jersey, Jacqueline’s family (including Caroline, Teresa’s husband and Ashley’s boyfriend, for reasons that aren’t entirely clear) went to a farm to…look at a pig’s balls? I mean, in their defense, they were pretty huge and distracting. Afterward, the menfolk sat on a haystack to talk a bit with Derek and invite him to a poker game, and at this point, I’m pretty sure that Derek gets the award for being the most patient boyfriend in the history of reality television. He’d have to really care about Ashley to go through all of that embarrassment in front of a national audience, and I kind of hope that they’re still together – does anyone know?
Anyway, back to real (well, “real”) issues. Because discussing drama is very important to her, Danielle got together with Kim G. and several other women that we’ve never met before to misrepresent her conversation with Danielle in the most dramatic way possible. Compared to the short conversation that Dina had about it with Caroline and Jacqueline on the matter, Danielle once again managed to make herself look absolutely crazy. If that wasn’t enough, Danielle then chose to read an email from Dina to the entire table while the group ate dinner. Danielle’s response to the email was literally “LOL whatever,” because she just can’t help herself, can she?
But for a moment, let’s talk about Danielle’s buddies. Kim G. is now also friends with Jacqueline, and she seems to be a little smarter about this situation than she appears to be when she’s with Danielle (and by smarter, we mean entirely more awful and underhanded). She told Jacqueline that Danielle had denied ever contacting Dina on her own, and it quickly became clear that Kim G. intends to play both sides of this conflict for maximum television exposure. Last week she told Danielle that she should call the police on Ashley over some text messages, but this week she told Jacqueline that she didn’t think the texts were serious and that she had advised Danielle to calm down and not take them as a threat. She’s a liar, she actively seeks out drama and she has a Bentley with a driver – is she replacing Dina? If not, she should be.
But Kim G. isn’t the only new friend in the group. Danielle went to some woman named Sue’s house with some other random people named Kathy and Anna Maria to discuss her ex (remember the greasy 40-year-old that swore he was 26?) and the fact that he taped them having sex. Apparently she thought he was “texting” while he taped her “secretly,” and then he tried to sell the tape for money but Danielle’s lawyers stopped him, thank GOD. No one needs to see that. Ever. Although it didn’t stop her from purposefully making and selling a sex tape with a different guy, but this is a family-friendly blog and we won’t go into that subject any further.
Her former sex tape partner actually showed up at Jacqueline’s husband’s poker night, for some reason (probably because the producers sent him over there), and we were all reminded of exactly how revolting and greasy he is. Jacqueline was pissed that he was there (presumably because she doesn’t like to look at him either) and insisted that she have a talk with him in private, which caused us to find out that it was actually Danielle taping herself and sending those tapes to Greasy Steve or whatever his name is, and then he pointed out that her lawsuit had been dismissed. Despite what she had claimed a few minutes prior, Danielle’s lawyers didn’t actually stop anything.
After they released him back to the party, Jacqueline revealed that she had set up a baby monitor downstairs that allowed her and Teresa to observe the poker game on video to see how Derek would be “initiated.” Ashley joined them to watch, but Jacqueline said something about grandma that Ashley didn’t like and and she went down to watch poker instead. Jacqueline and Teresa followed her, and then Jacqueline kicked her out, but Derek stayed and did his best not to say anything or look anyone in the eye. Other than some soured wine, he got off pretty easy – they didn’t even hogtie him, which I personally found kind of disappointing. All bark, no bite, that’s what these Jersey boys are. Down here, if we publicly promise to tie someone up and embarrass him, we feel compelled to actually do it.
Anyway, switching subjects, and this one is far more revolting, so watch out. Danielle went lingerie shopping with her new gaggle of friends and claimed that she felt weird in all of that stuff and that it was going to take her a long time to feel sexy again, all while she modeled various outfits for the cameras and anyone else left in the store. In a fit of helpfulness, Danny got some stripper lessons for Danielle to help her feel sexy, even though she was a stripper for years and constantly brags about her dancing abilities. There were several strippers there to teach the class and they all actually seemed really athletic and kind of impressive, in a way, and then it was Danielle’s turn.
I never thought that I would have any occasion to EVER see Danielle spread-eagled in a pair of underwear, but then it happened, and then Danny The Ex-Con made it rain on her and she complained that the bills weren’t large enough in the most annoying baby voice this side of Paris Hilton. And before any of that even happened, Kim G. got on the pole in a pair of underwear and the entire thing made my eyes bleed and my ears ring and I think I may still be a little disoriented. Before last night, I had been under the impression that Bravo still had some kind of standards for this show, but that’s clearly not the case. Really, it’s my fault. I shouldn’t assume silly things like that.
And then…well, that was sort of it. Danielle did the splits and Dina quit the show right then and there, apparently so repelled by Danielle’s crotch that she couldn’t even bear to share a reality show with it. My prediction for next week is the Kim G. becomes the next official housewife. I just cannot bring myself to read the Bravo blogs from these women, so if there are any juicy details in them, feel free to let us know in the comments.