Last night Bravo very seriously tried to kill me by airing two episodes of Real Housewives back-to-back, but I survived their vicious attacks and managed to actually wake up this morning, so first up on my recap docket is Real Housewives of New Jersey. And, well…where do I even begin?

Last night, there were sex tapes, pig testicles, stripper poles, and nearly pornographic close-up shots of prosciutto. Danny The Ex-Con made it rain, Jacqueline kicked Ashley out of her house but let her boyfriend stay, and Dina told Danielle she was crazy and left the show, just as we had expected she would. In the words of the Grateful Dead, what a long, strange trip it’s been. And to think, we’re only halfway through the season.

This episode started right where the last one left off: at the Dina/Danielle showdown. Danielle was still having a fit and somehow managed to blame the entire situation on the fact that Dina has a second husband and Caroline found the book that Danielle’s ex wrote about her (which, let’s face it, was likely given to them by Bravo producers). I was entirely distracted by Dina’s sparkly Louis Vuitton bag after she got up, so I’m not sure exactly what else happened in between that and when she left the restaurant.

I did notice, however, that just like most crazy people, Danielle gets REALLY mad when you call her crazy. In retaliation, she called Dina’s hair fake, which is just beautifully ironic since Danielle has the most gloriously awful weave this side of Kim Zolciak. Dina stormed out, dumbstruck by the hair comments, and Danielle called her thugs over to console her. For once, Danny The Ex-Con didn’t look particularly impressed with her outrage since it was finally clear that Danielle wasn’t in any real physical danger at the hands of any of the Manzos.

In a slightly less contentious part of New Jersey, Jacqueline’s family (including Caroline, Teresa’s husband and Ashley’s boyfriend, for reasons that aren’t entirely clear) went to a farm to…look at a pig’s balls? I mean, in their defense, they were pretty huge and distracting. Afterward, the menfolk sat on a haystack to talk a bit with Derek and invite him to a poker game, and at this point, I’m pretty sure that Derek gets the award for being the most patient boyfriend in the history of reality television. He’d have to really care about Ashley to go through all of that embarrassment in front of a national audience, and I kind of hope that they’re still together – does anyone know?

Anyway, back to real (well, “real”) issues. Because discussing drama is very important to her, Danielle got together with Kim G. and several other women that we’ve never met before to misrepresent her conversation with Danielle in the most dramatic way possible. Compared to the short conversation that Dina had about it with Caroline and Jacqueline on the matter, Danielle once again managed to make herself look absolutely crazy. If that wasn’t enough, Danielle then chose to read an email from Dina to the entire table while the group ate dinner. Danielle’s response to the email was literally “LOL whatever,” because she just can’t help herself, can she?

But for a moment, let’s talk about Danielle’s buddies. Kim G. is now also friends with Jacqueline, and she seems to be a little smarter about this situation than she appears to be when she’s with Danielle (and by smarter, we mean entirely more awful and underhanded). She told Jacqueline that Danielle had denied ever contacting Dina on her own, and it quickly became clear that Kim G. intends to play both sides of this conflict for maximum television exposure. Last week she told Danielle that she should call the police on Ashley over some text messages, but this week she told Jacqueline that she didn’t think the texts were serious and that she had advised Danielle to calm down and not take them as a threat. She’s a liar, she actively seeks out drama and she has a Bentley with a driver – is she replacing Dina? If not, she should be.

But Kim G. isn’t the only new friend in the group. Danielle went to some woman named Sue’s house with some other random people named Kathy and Anna Maria to discuss her ex (remember the greasy 40-year-old that swore he was 26?) and the fact that he taped them having sex. Apparently she thought he was “texting” while he taped her “secretly,” and then he tried to sell the tape for money but Danielle’s lawyers stopped him, thank GOD. No one needs to see that. Ever. Although it didn’t stop her from purposefully making and selling a sex tape with a different guy, but this is a family-friendly blog and we won’t go into that subject any further.

Her former sex tape partner actually showed up at Jacqueline’s husband’s poker night, for some reason (probably because the producers sent him over there), and we were all reminded of exactly how revolting and greasy he is. Jacqueline was pissed that he was there (presumably because she doesn’t like to look at him either) and insisted that she have a talk with him in private, which caused us to find out that it was actually Danielle taping herself and sending those tapes to Greasy Steve or whatever his name is, and then he pointed out that her lawsuit had been dismissed. Despite what she had claimed a few minutes prior, Danielle’s lawyers didn’t actually stop anything.

After they released him back to the party, Jacqueline revealed that she had set up a baby monitor downstairs that allowed her and Teresa to observe the poker game on video to see how Derek would be “initiated.” Ashley joined them to watch, but Jacqueline said something about grandma that Ashley didn’t like and and she went down to watch poker instead. Jacqueline and Teresa followed her, and then Jacqueline kicked her out, but Derek stayed and did his best not to say anything or look anyone in the eye. Other than some soured wine, he got off pretty easy – they didn’t even hogtie him, which I personally found kind of disappointing. All bark, no bite, that’s what these Jersey boys are. Down here, if we publicly promise to tie someone up and embarrass him, we feel compelled to actually do it.

Anyway, switching subjects, and this one is far more revolting, so watch out. Danielle went lingerie shopping with her new gaggle of friends and claimed that she felt weird in all of that stuff and that it was going to take her a long time to feel sexy again, all while she modeled various outfits for the cameras and anyone else left in the store. In a fit of helpfulness, Danny got some stripper lessons for Danielle to help her feel sexy, even though she was a stripper for years and constantly brags about her dancing abilities. There were several strippers there to teach the class and they all actually seemed really athletic and kind of impressive, in a way, and then it was Danielle’s turn.

I never thought that I would have any occasion to EVER see Danielle spread-eagled in a pair of underwear, but then it happened, and then Danny The Ex-Con made it rain on her and she complained that the bills weren’t large enough in the most annoying baby voice this side of Paris Hilton. And before any of that even happened, Kim G. got on the pole in a pair of underwear and the entire thing made my eyes bleed and my ears ring and I think I may still be a little disoriented. Before last night, I had been under the impression that Bravo still had some kind of standards for this show, but that’s clearly not the case. Really, it’s my fault. I shouldn’t assume silly things like that.

And then…well, that was sort of it. Danielle did the splits and Dina quit the show right then and there, apparently so repelled by Danielle’s crotch that she couldn’t even bear to share a reality show with it. My prediction for next week is the Kim G. becomes the next official housewife. I just cannot bring myself to read the Bravo blogs from these women, so if there are any juicy details in them, feel free to let us know in the comments.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Ashley

    Does anyone else remember last season when Danielle wanted to meet Greasy Steve in the bathroom for a quickie at some random restaurant. Did no one see the sex tapes coming then?

  • Ashley

    A quick, amusing citation from Dina’s blog: “I could go on and on about Danielle’s actions this episode. I could comment on how her and her busted “friends” (more like people who just wanted to be on TV) sit around in a geriatric Sex in the City scene and mock what is a really serious situation. It is so tempting to make fun of two-faced Kim G on the pole or make a joke about how I expected a penis to pop out of the side of Dirty D’s boy shorts during her stripper split, but I am kinda over it all. You know I’m done when even the wiseass in me is tired.”

    • Ellz

      bahahahahah I love Dina! I’m so sad now that she’s gone.

  • Matthew

    Last night was so boring I almost quit watching. The only thing that kept my interest was who would actually be quitting the show. I sincerely almost turned off the TV when the guys spent ten minutes at the store talking about how they’d “initiate” Derek. Was there NOTHING more interesting than that horrid conversation that Bravo could show???

    Kim G is definitely the new housewife. She’s rich, backstabbing, a liar, and a media whore. Yup, she’s qualified!

    I do think Kim G makes a good housewife, because she balances the scales a bit. Now it will be three against two, at least for a short time period. I think ultimately everyone will hate Kim G – including Danielle – but for the moment Danielle has someone (partially) on her side.

    NYRH is so much better than NJ, IMO. Bridge and tunnel trash…blech.

  • qudsia

    ive still got to watch this as i was too tired to wait up for it so ive been waiting for your summary!!
    haha love the screenshot of danielle.. she looks like the wicked witch of the east!! (the modern day version lol)
    i think when youre talking about kim g, you mean danielle wanted to talk about the convo with dina,no? ps.. kim g def belongs on this show!!

    also on ashleys blog last week she said that she was still with derek.. good for them..?

    and good for dina for cutting danielle out of her life.. although i think well all kinda miss her on the show.

  • mochababe73

    The reunion made me exhausted. I am not a Jill fan this season, but that was just too much beating up on her.
    Anyway, I really enjoyed this episode, but I could have been spared looking at Kim G’s plumber’s butt.
    It’s about time that Jacqueline grew a (real) pair of breasts. She should have done this probably 2 years ago.
    Dina attempting to talk with someone like Delusional Danielle is ludicrous. Only a psychiatric professional could even try to talk to her. I am going to miss Dina because I have a sneaky suspicion that Kim G is going to be a new housewife. Ugh!
    Danielle is crazy.
    Still love, love, love Teresa and Caroline. They are my favorite NJ housewives.

  • Handbag Lover

    Girl, “here were sex tapes, pig testicles, stripper poles, and nearly pornographic close-up shots of prosciutto. Danny The Ex-Con made it rain,” you are a NUT! LMAO…lololol :)

    Last night was too funny to me. I think Ashley is so disrepectful to her mother and i am sick of it. I was so glad that girl got put out I did not know what to do. Danielle needs help but she does make the show. I am going to keep my eye on Kim G because this heffa is trouble. However, I think she is going to be the next housewife, she will truly add more drama to the show.

  • Ivanna

    OMG Amanda, I’m so glad you chose that line for your recap headline, I literally laughed so hard when Jacqueline said that, it was hysterical. I think it was obvious that Dina was the one leaving, it’s probably not worth it for her anymore, she wrote in one of her blogs that Danielle would’nt stay away from her daughter Lexi’s family after she repeatedly asked her too. Sad to see her go, and I also think that Kim G is going to be the new Housewife, unfortunately, she’s already getting tons of screen time, and causing drama by trying to play both sides, though I’m secretly wanting to see what her house looks like. Ashley and Derek are still together Bravotv.com gave her her own blog and she wrote that they were still together as of last week.

    • I didn’t even notice the line at first, I had to rewind my DVR to make sure I heard it right. Hilarious.

  • Jo Marie

    I thought Danielle showed real aptitude on the pole. I also think she really is more at ease in her natural habitat.

    • Ana

      Ahahhaaaaaa! Too good!

  • Maryann

    Just some random thoughts…. .Amanda, your recaps make my day! They are always right on the money!

    I am going to miss Dina. I loved her fashion sense — the shiny Louis Vuitton was amazing!

    I wonder Kim G’s age? Her hair and face make her look older than her body did on the pole last night even with the plumber’s butt. In last week’s episode she looked about the same age as the woman they identified as her mother-in-law.

    I’m not feeling the love for Jacqueline’s husband either. He seems very controlling.

    I will miss you Dina!

  • mj

    That Kim G in her underwear grossed me out. She looks like my GRANDMA and no one wants to see granny’s ass in boy shorts! nasty!

  • Sue

    omg, Amanda, you are HYSTERICAL! I am living for the day you’re co-hosting “watch what happens” with Andy Cohen!

  • JenG

    LOL, still LOL and crying too! Thanks Amanda!

  • amy

    i miss Dina and her cats. New Jersey isn’t the same without cameos of Grandma Wrinkles!

  • arlene

    Still laughing hysterically from your recap! Bravo needs u to do PR. Although as I said last time I removed the NJ housewives from my DVR and I don’t regret it. Luann says it best- money can”t buy you class!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • A

    I felt so dirty after watching last night episode. Just ew. My eyes may have caught an infection from watching that animal Danielle on the pole.

    Can’t the viewers collectively vote to have her banned from TV? Does anyone ever really want to watch/hear Danielle?

    Ew.

    • Jane

      I couldn’t agree with you more A. I would love to vote Danielle off the show she is truly awful. I feel so badly for her kids. I almost got sick when I saw her on the pole that didn’t look like any burlesque dancing I remember from the play Gypsy. Gross

      • Ashley

        Also when she says that’s how she met their father! and then “did you see my house?” She just admitted on television to whoring herself- clearly the only reason she was with her ex was for money.

  • aidan

    okay bottom line….. DANIELLE IS SCUM. she needs to crawl back into the hole she came out of. she can’t accept the fact that people actually call her out on her actions and that she is indeed CRAZY! AMEN DINA! kim G is in dire need of some juvederm and she needs to stop focusing on the botox. DANIELLE THIS MESSAGE IS FOR YOU: a stripper is a STRIPPER. now try to SPELL burlesque. LOVE YOU TOO SWEETHEART! oh and PS: how can you afford to get your boobs done? i mean you have worn that friggin chanel bag out and it needs to be retired to your trash ass of a closet. i love how you can’t even afford to fix your house you trailer trash skank. go fist yourself and send it to your BODY GUARD danny. because the manzo’s are walkin out GUNS A BLAZIN! get a life you martian looking ass. :) LOVE YA! KISSES

    • Ashley

      obviously Ashley’s square tit comment bothered her- otherwise, Bravo producers are genius for showing Danielle going there after Ashley had already commented.

  • hannah

    omg did you see the aftershow!!?!? i laughed out loud the entire time!!! dina brouht out grandma wrinkles and andy cohen about crapped himself. his reaction of horror to the cat made me dieeeee! truly the icing on the cake.
    i will seriously miss dina — if only for her fabulous taste in handbags, clothes, and the pink streaks in her hair!!! LOVE HER!

    • I really, really like that pink streak.

      • mochababe73

        It’s actually a red streak. You can buy them on her website. It’s in support of her Project Ladybug charity.

  • Sher77

    It is so obvious that Danielle and Danny The Ex-Con are getting it on. He and his entourage are really scary. Danielle looked so comfortable on the stripper pole and its hysterical that Danny was letting it rain $1 bills!

  • Frankie D

    where can I find that sparkly LV bag? I’ve looked everywhere and I need it in my life!! Thanks in advance

  • Chellie

    Amanda – these blogs are hysterical – better than the show! I just happened upon this site – and then I sat here and read all of the RHONJ articles. It was LOL-funny. Best laugh I’ve had in a while.

  • Evelyn B.

    I LOVE Danielle. I wish I lived in Jersey so that I can be on her side and be a friend to her. And smack all her enemies. They’re such HATERS!!!!

    • Manuela

      All of Danielle’s friends have two things in common: 1. Poor judgement and 2. Very limited shelf life. It’s not opinion, it’s emperical, quantifiable fact. If this kind of “friendship” sounds like it’s good enough for you, then go for it. We’ll all be watching…for a season, before Danielle kicks you to the curb and slaps you with the first of many lawsuits.

  • Suzie Z

    Aahh, memories! Had to take a trip down the NJ Turnpike after watching last night’s episode of RHOM. Utter disappointment!! Lord, that’s an hour if our lives we’re never getting back…

  • joycethorne

    please donot bring danielle staubs back because shes so cheap

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