So, for the first few episodes of Real Housewives of New Jersey, I’ve had a theory. I’ve mostly kept it quiet in hopes of not embarrassing myself should it prove incorrect, but last night’s episode has emboldened me – I think I might be right. The first few installments of this season were almost cripplingly boring, but since this was the first time that two seasons of Housewives have ever aired simultaneously, I thought that perhaps that was intentional on the part of the producers to not overshadow the end of NYC’s season.
Now that Real Housewives of New York only has a reunion left, Danielle has been unleashed on us in full force and there are no signs that she’ll be calming down any time soon. She hates the Manzos, she hates Jacqueline’s daughter, and if that Kim G. person isn’t careful, Danielle is going to end up hating her too. And maybe stealing her Bentley, but that’s purely speculation on my part.
Let’s dispense with the people that aren’t Danielle first, since they don’t really matter in this episode (or, honestly, in this season so far): Teresa is convinced that she can turn her children into breadwinners, so she took Gia to kiddie acting classes while she sat outside and regaled the other kids’ parents with all of her accomplishments and also assured them that she wasn’t a stage mom. They all smiled and nodded in order to not anger the crazy lady, but all of their efforts were for naught, because Gia’s agent angered Teresa soon afterward by telling her that Gia needs to lose her Jersey accent to book more acting gigs. I hope Gia starts earning a good income soon, considering that Teresa announced last week that her and her husband are $11 million in debt. (Feel free to discuss this in the comments, I can’t even wrap my head around it.)
In other marginally exciting news, Chris got a promotion at the Brownstone, so he theoretically no longer has to park cars. Instead, he now deals with sales and event planning, just like his dad. If I correctly recall my time working at a similar facility, uh, I would rather be parking cars. As long as you don’t change anyone’s radio station or scratch the doors, no one gets mad at you and you get a little tip, which is far preferable to doing everyone’s bidding inside. He apparently received this promotion after managing not to get killed by the Hells Angels last week, which is probably a considerable achievement, considering the circumstances.
Ok! That was quick. Time for the Danielle portion of the recap. Remember that salon that everyone in Jersey goes to? Well, Jacqueline was there getting a pedicure while Kim G., she of the Danielle friendship and the Bentley ownership, walked in to get one as well. Kim G wanted to gossip, of course, and Jacqueline’s baby managed to start howling at exactly the right time to delay the conversation. Too bad he didn’t keep crying, because Kim G. insisted on having the conversation anyway. Given some time to think about the events at the Brownstone, it appeared that Kim G is actually capable of feeling shame and embarrassment because she claimed to have been unhappy with how Danielle’s friends behaved.
That newfound mortification may be contradictory to how Kim acted while the events were going on, but perhaps we’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she was merely trying to play along and not make the ex-cons angry. Because she doesn’t know Danielle very well, she told Jacqueline that she thought it would be a good idea to sit down with her and share her concerns, and Jacqueline correctly informed her that wasn’t a very good idea at all. Luckily for all of us, that didn’t stop Kim from doing it.
While the two of them were getting prettied up for Danielle’s birthday party, Kim told Danielle that she was uncomfortable with the names that Danny The Ex-Con had called her son’s best friend, specifically “faggot,” which I don’t even like typing. Last season, if you’ll remember, Danielle got EXTREMELY angry with Teresa because her husband said the same word, but this time, she brushed off Kim G’s concerns because she wasn’t the boss of Danny. And also, because the person being name-called isn’t actually gay, and that makes it not offensive anymore, right? Of course. Also, she was being protected at the time! And it was her birthday and she didn’t want to talk about it! Right. Just so everyone knows, it was also the Manzos’ fault that their son got called names by Danny The Ex-Con.
When Danielle continued to moan and cry about being asked about Danny’s behavior, Kim mentioned that maybe, just maybe Danielle cared about the Manzos just a little more than she should. Of course, that was the most offensive thing that anyone could have ever said to Danielle, because SHE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT THE MANZOS. AT ALL. DON’T EVER SAY THAT TO HER. Ahem. She actually spoke in all caps, I merely transcribed it.
Kim G. later went to visit Danielle at her house and arrived while Danielle was yelling at her dogs about Jacqueline’s daughter and the nasty things that she’s written about her online. (Her dogs are the only ones that will listen to her, since they don’t speak English and think that all of the noise might end in a treat.) Danielle saw Ashley’s immature Facebook messages as persecution on the same level as the Ku Klux Klan, but I’m not particularly impressed. Let us know when there’s a burning cross in your front yard, honey. Until then,
Danielle wasn’t the only person upset over some seriously high school Facebook drama, though. When Teresa and Jacqueline got together for dinner, the conversation was overtaken by whether or not Ashley had threatened Danielle’s life. They summoned her to the restaurant to testify over minestrone, and it became clear that Ashley hadn’t actually threatened to kill Danielle at all, which is what Danielle had told Jacqueline. On the Danielle Spectrum of Things That Aren’t True, that one is actually sort of mild. Ashley later posted on Facebook that Danielle had a warrant out for her arrest, and even her boyfriend told her that was a terrible idea. I might have judged that kid too soon. He seemed ok in this episode.
Later, in what may have been an effort to halfway appease Kim G., Danielle took Danny The Ex-Con to get a suit to cure him of his dirty language habit (don’t think about that logic too hard, it’ll make your head hurt). Mid-fitting, Dina called Danielle to ask to have a little get-together. Danielle thought for a moment that it might be about happy things, but then she came to whatever senses she has left and realized that it maybe wasn’t. In another wild fit of maturity, she asked Danny and his friends to show up just in case.
On the night of the Dina-Danielle meetup, Caroline had everyone else in the entire show over for dinner. Instead of eating whatever fried goodness that Caroline was cooking up in her pink chef coat, Dina had to go to some cheesy wine bar and have an extremely uncomfortable conversation/screaming match with Danielle, who actually went into the meeting expecting an apology. Despite the fact that Ashley decided to make the Manzos’ dinner uncomfortable with talk of Danielle (although the “fix your square tit” comment was hilarious, and watching Caroline try not to laugh at it was even better), I still would have rather been there than in a restaurant with Danny The Ex-Con lurking outside.
Instead, Dina tried to reason with a crazy person because her energist or whatever told her to a few episodes back. We all know from watching Real Housewives of New York City that reasoning with crazy people is entirely useless, but Dina made a go of it anyway. She told Danielle that she needed her to stay away from her family entirely, and all Danielle could do was talk about Jacqueline and Ashley and Facebook and “last year,” whatever that means. Oh, and how you should never shush her. VERY IMPORTANT.
We only got to see the first part of the altercation before Bravo cut to a “to be continued” screen, so I suppose we’ll have to wait and see what happens next week. Also, as we learned in a commercial (this is why I watch live! Sometimes you get a little nugget in the commercials!), we’re losing a cast member next week. I’ve got $10 on Dina – place your bets in the comments. Also, it looks like a Danielle Staub sex tape is going to be unleashed on the unwitting masses next week (on the show AND in real life, via Hustler. Shudder.) You know, just for your information.