Last week, we predicted that this episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was going to be crazy – the previews promised it! Sadly, it turns out that that Bravo was telling us mean, vicious lies – there was a lot of foreplay and no…well, you know. It was more complaining and name-calling without any sort of resolution, and I’m starting to tire of this whole thing very quickly.
We can only see these women eat at so many Italian restaurants, drink so many glasses of wine in each others kitchens, and attend so many parties in suburban banquet halls before the whole thing plunges into a hypnotically awful abyss of…wait, I guess we’re already there. Won’t you join us?
Again we started at an Italian restaurant, this time with Caroline and two of her sisters that aren’t Dina. They got to talking about Albie, naturally, and Caroline got a little emotional again and it was sad in an individual sense instead of a “sad for humanity” sense, which is almost unheard of on this show. Caroline has also come down with a touch of the Empty Nest Syndrome, which has to be hard when she defines herself so clearly as a mother. People being normal and having normal emotions – a rare thing in Housewives history!
Elsewhere, at an Italian restaurant in a parallel universe that was significantly heavier on the traditional Housewifery, Teresa and Jacqueline got together with Kim D. of the Bad Dye Job and talked about her drunken antics from the housewarming party. That lasted all of thirty seconds before they started complaining about Danielle, whom Kim D. has decided she doesn’t like today. Who knows about tomorrow, though! Kim D. is having a fashion show and inviting Danielle in spite of her momentary hatred, and she wanted Teresa and Jacqueline to show up too. Of course, because they’re wonderful people, they decided they should attend out of obligation to grace everyone with their presences. It was the nice thing to do!
Danielle, naturally, was not pleased that Kim D. had chosen to invite those people to an event that also required her attendence, because North Jersey is not big enough for the both of ’em. Or the three of ’em. Or how many housewives are we down to now? I can’t remember. Anyway, Danielle went to confront Kim D. at her store but ended up berating the random girl at the desk instead and later concluded that she should have solved all of it by giving her the finger. It’s a universal sign of “light and love” up north.
When Kim D. called her back minutes later, Danielle flipped out in the nonsensical way that can only be done by a tried-and-true crazyperson, and then a few minutes later she skidded into the parking lot in her Range Rover and stomped in to flip out in person. You know, just in case Kim D. hadn’t figured out how betrayed she felt because the shopgirl was on the phone when she walked in and didn’t fall at her feet to be of immediate assistance. She has a single, people. Can’t professional singers and probably-fake lesbians get some respect in this world? Danielle stomped out and swore to never spend any money in the store ever again, but since she just charged everything to a tab anyway, I’m not sure that would be any great loss.
Back at Chateau Manzo, Caroline was sad about her growing children and wanted her husband to retire so he’s around more to keep her company. She still has all three kids living in the house, so I’m not sure that her Empty Nest drama isn’t a tad premature. (Really, when is Chris going to move out? Never.) Her husband says that he’ll never quit working completely, and I believe him. Men like him never do, for better or for worse. Albert later took Caroline out for a nice dinner later and he promised to try and cut back a bit at work and take more time off. Getting a dose of real human emotions during this show is sort of like staring straight into the sun.
Again at Posche (it pains me to spell it like that), perhaps as a way to piss off Danielle even more, Kim D. asked Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley to walk in her fashion show. Shortly thereafter, she called Danielle to patch things up and beg her to come to her fashion show, promising that there wouldn’t be any drama. (Ha.) Danielle rationalized her attendance at the party because the venue was in Wayne and no one would dare mess with her in the town in which she lives. Apparently there’s some sort of invisible fencing that keeps the Manzos out, which is weird since I’ve never noticed them wearing censor collars.
Recognizing that the fashion show would obviously cause problems, Teresa and Jacqueline consulted with the all-knowing, all-seeing Caroline in order to decide what to do when forced (sort of) to face Danielle. Caroline advised them to have her thrown out if there was any sort of problem, because if they do nothing, the terrorists win. Hey, I just had a thought – perhaps Danielle is Osama Bin Laden in drag? Someone call the CIA, I’ve figured this whole thing out. It’s all so clear now, we’ve been wasting our time searching in Afghanistan.
When it was finally the night of Kim D.’s fashion show, everyone showed up in their Range Rovers of various colors and my favorite part of the entire thing was that Teresa was wearing the grey fur jacket that she was eyeing in the last episode. I feel ya, Teresa – when I buy something, I have to wear it immediately too. Real talk.
I couldn’t enjoy it for too long, however, because Kim G. and Danielle showed up (late, with a body guard and driver) and then the drama started. Danielle was scowling and pouting as always, looking for her friends at other tables like a teenager nervously clutching her lunch tray in the high school cafeteria. When Danielle found out that Kim D. had invited both Teresa and Jacqueline to sit at her table, it set off whatever Rube Goldberg machine is inside Danielle’s head, and she decided that Kim needed to be “exposed.” For what, I don’t know. Neither do you. They didn’t tell us.
The fashion show started and all the models had been painted a Snookie-level shade of orange, just as I had hoped. In fact, one of them might have actually been Snookie. She had a poof and everything. While all of this wonderful campiness was going on, Danielle chose to pretend to make phone calls and act disinterested, a move which she claims Paris Hilton taught her. Never before did it seem possible that Paris Hilton would be embarrassed to be associated with anyone, but I doubt that even she would stoop that low. Relative to Danielle, she actually seems kind of classy. I mean, her sex tape was filmed in night vision, which is way cooler than anything Danielle had in hers. Or so I hear.
Around that time, Teresa noticed that Danielle was trying to incinerate their table with her mind and notified Ashley of the perceived attack. Kim G. and Jacqueline tried to calm everyone down and diffuse the situation, but these women cannot be diffused as we all well know at this point. Danielle got up to go to the bathroom and Teresa and Ashley, in their infinite subtlety, disappeared around the same time. Jacqueline found Teresa sitting in a chair outside of the ladies’ room, waiting for Danielle to walk out so that they could start an argument. Danielle actually appeared to not take the bait for a second, but then again, has Danielle every met any bait that she didn’t like?
Of course not. With Kim G’s accompaniment, Teresa tried to talk to Danielle about her daughter’s fashion show appearance and, well, you saw the previews. And that’s all we saw, too – we saw the “Don’t call me honey” line from all the commercials, but that’s where it ended. We’ll have to tune in on July 12 to see the weave-ripping, property-damaging good time that followed.