Last week, we predicted that this episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was going to be crazy – the previews promised it! Sadly, it turns out that that Bravo was telling us mean, vicious lies – there was a lot of foreplay and no…well, you know. It was more complaining and name-calling without any sort of resolution, and I’m starting to tire of this whole thing very quickly.

We can only see these women eat at so many Italian restaurants, drink so many glasses of wine in each others kitchens, and attend so many parties in suburban banquet halls before the whole thing plunges into a hypnotically awful abyss of…wait, I guess we’re already there. Won’t you join us?

Again we started at an Italian restaurant, this time with Caroline and two of her sisters that aren’t Dina. They got to talking about Albie, naturally, and Caroline got a little emotional again and it was sad in an individual sense instead of a “sad for humanity” sense, which is almost unheard of on this show. Caroline has also come down with a touch of the Empty Nest Syndrome, which has to be hard when she defines herself so clearly as a mother. People being normal and having normal emotions – a rare thing in Housewives history!

Elsewhere, at an Italian restaurant in a parallel universe that was significantly heavier on the traditional Housewifery, Teresa and Jacqueline got together with Kim D. of the Bad Dye Job and talked about her drunken antics from the housewarming party. That lasted all of thirty seconds before they started complaining about Danielle, whom Kim D. has decided she doesn’t like today. Who knows about tomorrow, though! Kim D. is having a fashion show and inviting Danielle in spite of her momentary hatred, and she wanted Teresa and Jacqueline to show up too. Of course, because they’re wonderful people, they decided they should attend out of obligation to grace everyone with their presences. It was the nice thing to do!

Danielle, naturally, was not pleased that Kim D. had chosen to invite those people to an event that also required her attendence, because North Jersey is not big enough for the both of ’em. Or the three of ’em. Or how many housewives are we down to now? I can’t remember. Anyway, Danielle went to confront Kim D. at her store but ended up berating the random girl at the desk instead and later concluded that she should have solved all of it by giving her the finger. It’s a universal sign of “light and love” up north.

When Kim D. called her back minutes later, Danielle flipped out in the nonsensical way that can only be done by a tried-and-true crazyperson, and then a few minutes later she skidded into the parking lot in her Range Rover and stomped in to flip out in person. You know, just in case Kim D. hadn’t figured out how betrayed she felt because the shopgirl was on the phone when she walked in and didn’t fall at her feet to be of immediate assistance. She has a single, people. Can’t professional singers and probably-fake lesbians get some respect in this world? Danielle stomped out and swore to never spend any money in the store ever again, but since she just charged everything to a tab anyway, I’m not sure that would be any great loss.

Back at Chateau Manzo, Caroline was sad about her growing children and wanted her husband to retire so he’s around more to keep her company. She still has all three kids living in the house, so I’m not sure that her Empty Nest drama isn’t a tad premature. (Really, when is Chris going to move out? Never.) Her husband says that he’ll never quit working completely, and I believe him. Men like him never do, for better or for worse. Albert later took Caroline out for a nice dinner later and he promised to try and cut back a bit at work and take more time off. Getting a dose of real human emotions during this show is sort of like staring straight into the sun.

Again at Posche (it pains me to spell it like that), perhaps as a way to piss off Danielle even more, Kim D. asked Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley to walk in her fashion show. Shortly thereafter, she called Danielle to patch things up and beg her to come to her fashion show, promising that there wouldn’t be any drama. (Ha.) Danielle rationalized her attendance at the party because the venue was in Wayne and no one would dare mess with her in the town in which she lives. Apparently there’s some sort of invisible fencing that keeps the Manzos out, which is weird since I’ve never noticed them wearing censor collars.

Recognizing that the fashion show would obviously cause problems, Teresa and Jacqueline consulted with the all-knowing, all-seeing Caroline in order to decide what to do when forced (sort of) to face Danielle. Caroline advised them to have her thrown out if there was any sort of problem, because if they do nothing, the terrorists win. Hey, I just had a thought – perhaps Danielle is Osama Bin Laden in drag? Someone call the CIA, I’ve figured this whole thing out. It’s all so clear now, we’ve been wasting our time searching in Afghanistan.

When it was finally the night of Kim D.’s fashion show, everyone showed up in their Range Rovers of various colors and my favorite part of the entire thing was that Teresa was wearing the grey fur jacket that she was eyeing in the last episode. I feel ya, Teresa – when I buy something, I have to wear it immediately too. Real talk.

I couldn’t enjoy it for too long, however, because Kim G. and Danielle showed up (late, with a body guard and driver) and then the drama started. Danielle was scowling and pouting as always, looking for her friends at other tables like a teenager nervously clutching her lunch tray in the high school cafeteria. When Danielle found out that Kim D. had invited both Teresa and Jacqueline to sit at her table, it set off whatever Rube Goldberg machine is inside Danielle’s head, and she decided that Kim needed to be “exposed.” For what, I don’t know. Neither do you. They didn’t tell us.

The fashion show started and all the models had been painted a Snookie-level shade of orange, just as I had hoped. In fact, one of them might have actually been Snookie. She had a poof and everything. While all of this wonderful campiness was going on, Danielle chose to pretend to make phone calls and act disinterested, a move which she claims Paris Hilton taught her. Never before did it seem possible that Paris Hilton would be embarrassed to be associated with anyone, but I doubt that even she would stoop that low. Relative to Danielle, she actually seems kind of classy. I mean, her sex tape was filmed in night vision, which is way cooler than anything Danielle had in hers. Or so I hear.

Around that time, Teresa noticed that Danielle was trying to incinerate their table with her mind and notified Ashley of the perceived attack. Kim G. and Jacqueline tried to calm everyone down and diffuse the situation, but these women cannot be diffused as we all well know at this point. Danielle got up to go to the bathroom and Teresa and Ashley, in their infinite subtlety, disappeared around the same time. Jacqueline found Teresa sitting in a chair outside of the ladies’ room, waiting for Danielle to walk out so that they could start an argument. Danielle actually appeared to not take the bait for a second, but then again, has Danielle every met any bait that she didn’t like?

Of course not. With Kim G’s accompaniment, Teresa tried to talk to Danielle about her daughter’s fashion show appearance and, well, you saw the previews. And that’s all we saw, too – we saw the “Don’t call me honey” line from all the commercials, but that’s where it ended. We’ll have to tune in on July 12 to see the weave-ripping, property-damaging good time that followed.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • BLynnT

    Great recap, as always. I just can’t believe you didn’t have a comment on that “dress” (if you can call it that) that Kim G wore to the fashion show. Did she steal that one from the closet of Kelly Killoren Bensimon? At least when Kelly wears something that… brief, you can legitimately assume that she just forgot pants (since that sort of thinking does often seem to be beyond her).

    • I think I may have missed how short it was. Sometimes if I put my eyes on my computer to type something, a detail like that escapes me. Kim G seems to be trying really hard to pretend she’s not kind of old. Just embrace it, Kimmie.

      • suz

        Speaking of short…..Kim G and Danielle were also in astonishingly and perhaps inappropriately short skirts.

  • NCGal

    I agree…this Jersey faction of RHs feels like when I used to watch the Linda Blair female prison movies back in the day. Vaguely pornographic, smarmy, campy. The most eye-ouching part for me was Kim G’s outfit she wore to the “fashion show.” Good Jesus God.
    I also had a real sense that this episode was all bullshi** and badly acted at that. Did anyone else feel this?

    • Yeah, this episode didn’t seem particularly authentic and it certainly wasn’t particularly entertaining. Disappointing, relative to what we were promised in the previews. I could have done without the first 45 minutes or so of the episode.

      • suz

        Dead give away…..”cool” girls and “mean” girls sitting on one side of their respective tables so the cameras could get good shots of them laser eyeballing each other.

  • NJHWFAN

    Kim G’s dress was definitely a tadashi-and those dresses are usually knee lenght. She must have had the dress shortened!!

  • reneeo

    I am going to be away from PurseBlog awhile – until they get rid of that annoying Smartwater ad.
    It’s REALLY annoying!

  • suz

    The thing that struck me last night (finally) was how much like a really cheesy daytime soap opera this show has become…….with Danielle as the archtypal villainess whose actions are so dispicable and manipulative as to be totally unbelievable….but keep the plot line moving along among a cast of “numb-nuts”. The really disturbing thing…..Danielle and the rest of them are, for all intents and purposes, real. I’d like to think I’m done…..but, probably not. There’s still the train wreck aspect.

    Meanwhile, Amanda, you are such an engaging writer that, although I have no interest in handbags, I find myself reading you posts about handbags with great delight. Who woulda thought?

    • Flattery will get you absolutely everywhere with me :-)

      But really, thank you, that’s such a kind thing to say.

    • Relli

      I agree. I found this site on a Google search because my BF can no longer stomach the RH franchise. To be fair he did do the whole first 3 seasons of OC and and the first season of NY. I needed a good recap to last me through the week until I could watch the episode with the ability to FF. Amanda is an excellent writer, the perfect combination of factual story lines and personal injections……… she writes what we are ALL thinking as we are watching this mess. When I do get the chance to watch an episode in “real time, the thought of “what will Amanda say about this,” always crosses my mind. I have always loved handbags and this site is just adds to my obsession.

  • Matthew

    I personally don’t feel like the women in these shows are acting, per se, but the scenes are staged. I think the producers tell the women to do certain things, say certain things, or be in certain places.

    You can’t tell me that Teresa purposely went to sit outside that bathroom and wait for Danielle to walk out. It just didn’t seem real. So while I don’t think they’re acting, I think the producers told her to go wait for her and say hi, just to see what would happen.

    Amanda: are you at all excited about RHoDC, now that you’ve seen the previews?

    At the end of the day, what’s not to love about judging stupid people who act trashy for an hour every week…? Mazel tov!

    • Yeah, there’s definitely a lot of “set up” involved, but if there wasn’t, it’d be hard to construct narratives. I think that Bravo generally does a good job, but his season has really left something to be desired thus far.

      I’m excited about RHDC – it’ll be nice to meet some new housewives, and these people seem to mostly have decent pedigrees. I’m hoping it ends up being a bit like RHNYC.

      • Matthew

        Thanks for always answering my questions. You rock! :-)

        In a word, my overall reaction to last night’s episode: meh.

      • You’re welcome! I appreciate you coming back to read and comment every week!

  • Jo Marie

    I loved the three sisters! I actually come from an Italian family like that. O.K. it was my grandmother’s generation but I still find it relevant. Oh Danielle… she’s gone so very far with her evil persona that I’m beginning to disbelieve the reality of it. If it weren’t for the sex tapes and her prowess on the stripper pole,her narc husband’s book and actual court papers, I would suspect her of being a genius actress. There cannot be a living woman like her.

  • JenG

    I feel asleep again! This show is so boring. I will be glad when it is canceled. I prefer to read Amanda’s recaps.

  • Handbag Lover

    This series is boring. Danielle is a nut and the rest of the ladies really have nothing going on. I loved the recap, can’t wait for DC.

  • aidan

    BOTTOM LINE DANIELLE IS PSYCHO.

  • adrienne z

    Theresa was the instigator in this episode (and Ashley too – waving). What was Theresa thinking? Obviously Ashley is so immature and so full of herself she can’t help herself, but she is really going to regret degrading herself and taking herself LOWER than Danielle’s level.

    They should show more class and leave well enough alone. For all of the psychosis that Danielle DOES have – she has a point when she says she is being attacked and egged on by the Manzo’s. (not all – Caroline is out as is Dina and Jacqueline), but Theresa went out of her way to instigate a confrontation when Danielle obviously wanted no part of it (at first). And Ashley should grow up before she is invited to grown-up events.
    Like Caroline says, there is Nothing good can come out of this.

    Missed your recap of the RHNYC lost footage!

  • hannah

    the real houseswvies of DC shocked me! i had no idea they were doing that! and wasn’t that psycho couple that met with obama at his dinner but shouldve have been there in it? because if so, was the entire thing just done for tv?! if so, that explains alot.

    and danielle and kim g’s dresses were sooo short it made my retinas burn!!

    when theresa called her honey and then danielle got mad and thersea said “then what do you want me to call you, b****?! is b**** better?!” omggg i dieddd. i knew you couldnt use it for your title because of the profanity, but i loved it.

    and you are so right about paris hilton, she’ll be associated with anyone and when compared to danielle, is alot classier. which i never thought would be possible wow.

  • adrienne z

    Dina has the most sense out of everybody on this entire show.

  • k.d

    SOMEONE PLEASE GET KIM G A STYLIST, SHE IS USING KELLY BENISOME’S I AM SURE. SHE LOOKS RIDICULOUS WEARING SUCH SHORT DRESSES AS DOES DANIELLE. DANIELLE IS A SOCIOPATH AND SHOULD BE TAKEN OFF THIS SHOW. I HEAR HER GANGSTER BODYGUARD DANNY PROVENZANO IS HEADING BACK TO THE BIG HOUSE. I GUESS HE LAST SIX DAYS REALLY WERE HIS LAST SIX DAYS. NOW WHATS DANIELLE GOING TO DO. DANIELLE SHOULD THINK OF HER DAUGHTERS FOR ONCE. THEY MUST BE SO EMBARRASSED TO HAVE A MOTHER LIKE THAT WHO HAS NO REGARD FOR HER DAUGHTERS FEELINGS AND WHAT THEY MUST BE GOING THROUGH HAVING TO HEAR FROM EVERYONE ABOUT THEIR MOTHERS SEX TAPE. PlEASE BRAVO, HER FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME HAVE EXPIRED. GET RID OF HER SO I CAN START WATCHING THIS SHOW AGAIN

  • The bad CM

    Funny how Teresa claims to be nice, but waits to ambush Danielle. Teresa intentionally started with Danielle. She’s the perfect passive-aggressive. Where I come from that kind of nervy stunt immediately leads to a behind whupping or worse.

    If you dislike someone so much, why bother to talk to them when you know you aren’t sincere and one wrong word will lead to a fight?

    Danielle is crazy, but Teresa and Jacqueline are just as bad. I agree with Caroline, why go looking for trouble?

    • Matthew

      That’s why I think the producers told Teresa to do that. At least I hope so, for her sake anyway.

      • JenG

        I agree Matthew. Teresa didn’t think of that on her own. Why would you want to speak with someone she claims “she can’t stand to be around.” It makes no sense. It was a setup! Bravo must think we are stupid.

      • What struck me was that she was so calm about the whole thing. We’ve seen Teresa be confrontational, and it involved lots of table-flipping and unintelligible yelling. She would have stormed into that bathroom after Danielle if she really wanted to “confront” her. It seemed prompted to me too.

  • Sakyie

    Great recap Amanda. I’m not sure what to say about this episode. Its all beginning to feel like an episode of Charlie Brown to me. I see lips moving but all I hear is “womp womp womp womp”. Each week, Bravo proves that this show would be nothing without the skankcookie that is Danielle Staub. We see her flip out in one scene, the following scene we see the other ladies discussing said flip out. I’m trying to keep watching hoping it will get entertaining, but I get distracted by the smallest things. Especially Danielle’s bag, that poor poor Chanel. She drags it everywhere, makes sure the logo is visible to the camera at all times. I get it, its the 1st bag she bought for herself, she’s proud, but give it a rest! Hopefully they’ll come back with their faux-mafia guns blazing on 12th July!

  • Jo Marie

    I think the confrontational behavior is about jacking up the ratings. They have the opportunity to negotiate higher pay for a really successful show. Teresa can use the money. I don’t want to see anyone hurt and I’d rather they keep it legal but I’m certainly going to be watching!

  • amy

    You should totally recap Double Exposure! I would LOVE to read your thoughts on that show.

  • amy

    Ive given up on the Jersey Craziness. I hear the D.C. ladies have something new and fresh to add the RH franchise, so I’m waiting around for that. Til then, I’ve actually been watching Pretty Little Lairs on ABC Family, its like Gossip Girl meets I know what you did last summer. Wonderful! :) Great Recaps, i love the parallel universe of Italian Restaurants comment. Totally True and Hilarious!

  • lauralynn

    Please tell me why people like Teresa. She purposely wanted to start a fight with Danielle and I don’t believe it was staged, I think she thinks her claim to fame is table fipping and going off on the weak link of the show, Danielle, an easy target cuz, she isn’t well liked. If these girls had actual lives they would not be so interested in every move Danielle makes. Oh I forgot Teresa does have a life she blows through money she doesn’t really have then filing for bankruptsy so all off us can pick up her tab. And how is her Skinny Italian book selling she aint exactly “skinny.”

    • Lisa in Oregon

      Danielle – is that you?

  • mochababe73

    Teresa is still my favorite housewife (along with Alexis and Vicki). She waited for Danielle and spoke to her to get a rise out of Danielle. Because Danielle could have said hello and walked away, she couldn’t help herself. There are some people in life that just rub you the wrong way. For Danielle and Teresa, it’s each other. While I agree that Teresa was in the wrong, Danielle could have done her whole “love and light” spiel and left it alone. She gave the women exactly what they wanted-to have her act like a psycho…
    I am in no way taking up for Teresa, but her figure is perfectly fine. I am glad to see some women with real bodies as opposed to “skinny”. I think that skinny is refering to the healthy Italian recipes in her book. For someone who has had four children in 8 years, I think that her body is banging.

  • Maryann

    Reading you recaps, Amanda, in one of my favorites guilty pleasures! You are a great writer. I read on blog.zap2it.com that Kim D. and Kim G. are sisters-in-law. If you get on that site and search for RHNJ, it was in an article dated June 29. I apologize if this has already been mentioned.

    I can’t wait for DC also! We need some new faces and antics for sure.

  • carla

    Just catching the rerun now….is middle aged Danielle really trying to act like Paris Hilton? Is her IQ 63??? I’m embarrassed for her. It’s like she’s TRYING to be a cool 13 year old, but in the body of an old person. Ewww.

  • CaraMia

    I agree that Teresa was likely prompted by Bravo’s producers to confront Danielle. Looking at her statements from previous episodes and her cast blog, she would have had no other reason to do so, unless she had been told to. Also, Kim G. recently stated in an interview that Danielle had locked the bathroom door so Teresa had no choice but to wait outside for her, I suppose. It’s not like she could have just charged in and started knocking Danielle’s head into the toilet seat (though Andy Cohen would have loved that…)

    Also, regarding Ashley and the waving… This is where you have to keep editing in mind. In that shot, we saw a close up of Ashley waving at someone. Cut to a shot of Danielle’s table where Danielle starts to crow “Tell me that stalker Ashley is not looking at me…”. Had the shot of Ashley waving included the entire room, we might have been able to see WHO she was waving at. But they edited it to appear as if she was waving at Danielle. It could have been anyone. It might have been Danielle. It might even be very likely that it was her. But we don’t necessarily know that and can’t really make assumptions based on what Bravo wants us to believe.
    Kind of like the way we see conversations spliced together during all the restaurant scenes. A dead giveaway is to watch the food on the table. Food, no food, salad, empty plates, plates magically full again… All during the same “conversation” that Bravo edits together.

    Anyway, Amanda your recaps are just delicious! I’m anxious for tomorrow night’s episode and hoping that it won’t disapoint the way the last one did (btw I loved your metaphor *wink wink*)

    Cara

  • BeautifulBasics

    This show has become more like a soap opera and less like a reality tv show. It left me wanting more. I was truly disappointed. The editor must have so much fun with this show :)

    http://myworld.ebay.com/BeautifulBasics

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