What can I say about last night that isn’t already obvious? It was kind of a boring episode, Danielle being sidelined by her 84th breast augmentation and all. As much as we all hate her and want her to be shot into the sun, Real Housewives of New Jersey is kind of nothing without her. I hate even admitting it, but it’s the truth.
In her absence, we spent a lot of time with the children of our various castmates, trying to get them to straighten up and fly right so that they’ll make something of themselves one day. And then, of course, there was a party, complete with a crazed party planner and and some light yelling. Next week looks like it’s going to be off the rails, so let’s just hope that this was the calm before the crazystorm.
I’m not sure why every episode of this series requires a visit to an Italian restaurant, but it’s some sort of rule, and that’s where we started last night. Caroline, Jacqueline and Teresa (late, of course) got together to discuss Dina’s exodus from the show and the inevitable reaction from Danielle. So they did. And, well, that was kind of it – a grand send-off, it wasn’t. So, of course, it’s time to talk about Danielle.
You see, Danielle has a wonky tit. The square one, as Ashley so aptly described. She headed to the plastic surgeon last night to talk about having it fixed and also to scar everyone for life by flashing her boobs on camera with barely cable-appropriate blurry nipples. I think it’s an unspoken rule that a season of Real Housewives of New Jersey can’t go by without a boob job, which makes me wonder who’ll be up for one next season (actually, no need to wonder that, it’s probably Ashley).
Anyway, back to Danielle and her square boob. It was time for her to have surgery later in the episode and again, there was not nearly enough blurring for my taste. I really don’t want to see Danielle topless. At all. Ever. Danielle wants to make sure that you all know that she didn’t get her boobs redone for the 4839th time for aesthetic reasons and, ok, whatever you say Danielle. They sent her home with a private nurse to recover, and also to philosophize about the symbolic meaning of new breast implants. On the upside (or downside, depending on how you feel about Danielle’s importance to the show), the surgery managed to sideline her from interacting with the other housewives for the rest of the episode.
Which means, of course, that it’s time for the other housewives (and by extension, their children) to have some camera time! Remember last season when Caroline and her family convinced her daughter that she wanted to go to beauty school because she’s, well, not very smart? Lauren is indeed going to beauty school now, and Caroline’s so proud! It was kind of sweet, actually, and we saw all the students learning to apply crazy Lady Gaga makeup, which looked like fun.
The next part, however, looked like not quite so much fun. Caroline’s oldest son Albie has a learning disability and is apparently not doing that well in law school. In fact, he kinda-sorta got kicked out, and the school told him that he should probably pick another career because he has a learning disability. That seemed way harsh on their part, but he should probably pick another career anyway – it seems like everyone I know is in law school and there aren’t possibly going to be jobs out there for all of them. You’re cute and on reality TV, Albie – parlay that in to…something! In all seriousness, though, I felt really bad for Albie. He doesn’t seem like a bad guy, and Caroline was so torn up over it that she gave him a rather epic mama peptalk.
Caroline has lots of kiddos to attend to, however, so she took out the entire family to congratulate Lauren and Chris and make Albie a little insecure. He seemed to be feeling a little sorry for himself and was sloshing his drink around like a middle-aged alkie, but I guess that’s sort of expected when you’ve just been kicked out of grad school and you officially have nothing to do with your life.
Speaking of grown children with nothing to do with their lives: Jacqueline hadn’t talked to Ashley since the weird poker night argument, but she showed up to discuss things last night and it was also actually kind of sweet. She apologized for acting like a petulant teenager and admitted that her actions were embarrassing and a little stupid. They discussed the option of Ashley moving home, but as with any parent-teenager living situation, opinions over the house rules vary.
They later sat down to discuss things like curfews (midnight, 2:00 am on weekends). She managed to negotiate a change to 1:00 am during the week with an option to extend it later, so Ashley decided to move back in. The whole conversation made me very glad that I went away to college – dorms don’t have curfews and it’s a beautiful thing. Study hard and go to college, kids. No one cares what time you come home in a dorm.
Next it was time to have a party, since these Jersey broads don’t have nearly enough parties to keep up with the rest of the housewives in other cities. Teresa wanted to have a housewarming for the marble-and-granite-and-onyx conference center that she calls a house, so she hired a lady named Elvira (who was also on Bethenny’s show last week because there are only a dozen total people living in New Jersey, apparently) to plan the shindig.
During the initial visit to Teresa’s house, all Elvira (no relation to the Mistress of the Dark, by the way) did was complain about Teresa’s lack of maid and lack of pool and lack of outdoor floormat and lack of dance floor. According to Andy Cohen’s Twitter, Elvira was also sending out press releases yesterday that claimed she was the new housewife, but she’s not. Thank god. Very rarely am I relieved by anything that I find out about this show, but that? That relieved me. Teresa was much more gracious than I would have been, even though she did end up basically slamming the door in her face.
That wasn’t the last we saw Elvira, though – next she was some kind of warehouse, convincing Teresa that she wanted to rent some unbearably awful gold furniture for her party. Since Teresa loves all kinds of unbearably awful things, she was just in love with the whole idea. And then Elvira, the lady that recommended this furniture told Teresa that she couldn’t use plastic drinkware for the party because it was “chintzy,” and the irony of that moment managed to completely escape the both of them, which is tragic because it was wonderful. I mean, she had the nerve to call something chintzy while sitting on a gold lamÃ© couch.
And yet, that still wasn’t enough of Elvira. She showed up to make sure the house was set up correctly for the party, which was entirely ridiculous in the way that only a Housewives Housewarming could ever be. While an average person might have some catering and a bunch of booze for a housewarming, Teresa had red carpets, breakdancers, and a lighting scheme. I guess if you’re going to build a house that looks like an event facility, you might as well go all-in when you actually have an event.
The house looked like a nightclub at a second-rate casino, which is exactly what Teresa had wanted, and she was thrilled. Gold! Swarovski! Fire-eaters! Pink cocktails! Both Kims trying to drink out of one glass! Drunk Kim D. interrupting presentations! The party had it all (except, you know, someone to foot the bill. Details!)
In the grand tradition of this show, the party also had a confrontation involving Danielle even though she wasn’t even there. Caroline tried to move the conversation along to a new topic, but Kim G. managed to corner her to tell her how obsessed Jacqueline is with Danielle. When that didn’t get her anywhere, Kim G. tried to explain the obsession to Jacqueline directly, but she changed the word “obsessed” to “angry,” which don’t mean the same thing, do they? Perhaps they do in New Jersey. I’m not sure, I was distracted by her Birkin.
That was the end of the episode, but sadly that wasn’t where things ended – we got half an hour of Danielle on Watch What Happens Live after the show, and it was a full half an hour of what can only be described as a total hot mess. She’s confused about how exactly one might use a printer, she doesn’t know that a prostitute and a whore are the same thing, she sang a song and she might be a lesbian. The entire episode was so ridiculous that it doesn’t even need recapping – it was a parody of itself. Which, I suppose, could be said for this entire series.