I feel as though I could write the exact same intro for this episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey as I wrote for the last one – I’m hoping against hope that they’re saving the entertaining parts of this season for later, after the New York housewives are done soaking up all the attention. At this point, I may be willfully choosing to believe that so that I may continue to watch this show.
There was never any way that this episode could have been as good as last week’s Real Housewives of New York City, short of Danielle unhinging her jaw and swallowing Jacqueline whole or, as one of my Twitter followers suggested, someone setting her on fire. Since neither of those things happened, we had to settle for Teresa having a baby in perhaps the most lackadaisical way possible, Caroline’s son cavorting with strippers (and car washes!) and Danielle paying a friendly visit to a few convicted felons. Actually, when I put it that way, perhaps this episode was a bit more entertaining than I’m giving it credit for.
First things first – it was time for Teresa to push out another tiny guidette. After realizing that she was about to deliver a child, she wandered around her house for an almost interminable amount of time, packing makeup and jewelry and checking her email, which made her late to have her birth-giving. Her husband didn’t help – he was shirtless and drinking coffee, acting like this happens all the time in their house. And, come to think of it, I guess it sort of does.
Teresa eventually managed to get to the hospital and actually seemed to be in quite a bit of pain based on all of the screaming and crying that she did. Even listening to her howl made my vagina want to pack itself up and go home – apparently the best deterrent from having children is listening to someone actually having one. After all of that unpleasantness was done, Teresa donned a pair of leopard pajamas that I loved in a totally unironic way and cuddled with her new baby the rest of the episode. Her name is Audriana and Dina is going to be her godmother. It remains to be seen whether Teresa will get the diamonds she demanded in exchange for having the child.
In other, slightly seedier parts of Jersey, Caroline’s son Chris had somehow managed to get himself set up with a mini-internship at Scores, the world-famous strip club. He mostly just wandered around, looking awkward and giving out free drink coupons for drinks that he’s not actually old enough to order himself. Later, Christ took his strip club knowledge to his dad’s friend’s carwash to fullfil his Season 1 dream of running a strip club carwash. Unsurprisingly, business was up while young, slender, scantily clad women were washing cars! The more I think about it, the more this might not actually be a terrible idea.
If only Jacqueline’s kid was so industrious. She and her daughter Ashley made up a little bit from last week’s argument, but Jacqueline wants her to see a life coach to get her post-high school life on track and figure out what her goals are. Ashley said that she doesn’t need anything like that and claims to have a plan that includes going to community college for either fashion marketing or zoology, which puts her on par with most nine-year-olds, as far as career plans go. So, you know, good for her.
Jacqueline talked to her husband about Ashley and how she wanted her to go to a life coach, but he thought it sounded like quackery as well (and, honestly, it sounds that way to me too). He recommended a good, healthy beating, as did Dina. Specifically, with a wooden spoon. Somehow they managed to segue from that to the fact that Jacqueline didn’t know that there were a bunch of guns in her husband’s big safe. It was clearly a gun safe, so I’m not sure why hadn’t already figured that out, but Jacqueline seemed absolutely shocked. They appeared to have enough assault rifles and ammo in there to stage a coup of New Jersey, make of that what you will.
Let’s see, who haven’t we talked about yet…oh, right. Danielle. Danielle went to see a friend of hers in a diner, and that friend let her know that the restaurant owner’s little niece had cancer. She was invited to a fundraiser for the baby’s medical care, but the catch is that the benefit is at the Brownstone, where Danielle will assumably be shot on sight (maybe that’s what the guns are for.) She said that we should go and made it seem like it was a tough decision for her, but we all know that Danielle would probably teach herself to rock climb and scale the walls to get into that place and have the opportunity spy on the Manzos for even a few minutes.
Speaking of Danielle, Dina called a family meeting with Caroline and Jacqueline to tell them that her spirit guide or whatever had advised her to have a sit-down with Danielle, and Caroline and Jacqueline were suitably horrified. Jacqueline, for one, seems to have finally gotten clued in to the fact that Danielle is crazy, and her reaction was hilarious – she called her Beverly. Angela. Merrill. Staub. I LOL’d. Jacqueline might be my favorite.
Continuing to speak of Danielle (if we didn’t, there wouldn’t be much of a recap), she went to see two really sketchy friends of hers who were ex-cons (and one in particular was really opposed to sleeves) to talk about the Manzos and make some vaguely threatening statements. And then, THEN! Danielle had the best idea ever – she should take one of those guys (the one without the sleeves) to the Brownstone with her! I wonder if he’ll wear an entire shirt to the fancy party.
Caroline, naturally, was horrified that Danielle was coming to the Brownstone to play makebelieve that she’s a good person, and she vowed to “win.” Whatever that means. I guess we’ll find out next week. Or at least I hope we will – I can’t stand many more episodes that merely foreshadow the plot that they keep promising to eventually give us.