I feel as though I could write the exact same intro for this episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey as I wrote for the last one – I’m hoping against hope that they’re saving the entertaining parts of this season for later, after the New York housewives are done soaking up all the attention. At this point, I may be willfully choosing to believe that so that I may continue to watch this show.

There was never any way that this episode could have been as good as last week’s Real Housewives of New York City, short of Danielle unhinging her jaw and swallowing Jacqueline whole or, as one of my Twitter followers suggested, someone setting her on fire. Since neither of those things happened, we had to settle for Teresa having a baby in perhaps the most lackadaisical way possible, Caroline’s son cavorting with strippers (and car washes!) and Danielle paying a friendly visit to a few convicted felons. Actually, when I put it that way, perhaps this episode was a bit more entertaining than I’m giving it credit for.

First things first – it was time for Teresa to push out another tiny guidette. After realizing that she was about to deliver a child, she wandered around her house for an almost interminable amount of time, packing makeup and jewelry and checking her email, which made her late to have her birth-giving. Her husband didn’t help – he was shirtless and drinking coffee, acting like this happens all the time in their house. And, come to think of it, I guess it sort of does.

Teresa eventually managed to get to the hospital and actually seemed to be in quite a bit of pain based on all of the screaming and crying that she did. Even listening to her howl made my vagina want to pack itself up and go home – apparently the best deterrent from having children is listening to someone actually having one. After all of that unpleasantness was done, Teresa donned a pair of leopard pajamas that I loved in a totally unironic way and cuddled with her new baby the rest of the episode. Her name is Audriana and Dina is going to be her godmother. It remains to be seen whether Teresa will get the diamonds she demanded in exchange for having the child.

In other, slightly seedier parts of Jersey, Caroline’s son Chris had somehow managed to get himself set up with a mini-internship at Scores, the world-famous strip club. He mostly just wandered around, looking awkward and giving out free drink coupons for drinks that he’s not actually old enough to order himself. Later, Christ took his strip club knowledge to his dad’s friend’s carwash to fullfil his Season 1 dream of running a strip club carwash. Unsurprisingly, business was up while young, slender, scantily clad women were washing cars! The more I think about it, the more this might not actually be a terrible idea.

If only Jacqueline’s kid was so industrious. She and her daughter Ashley made up a little bit from last week’s argument, but Jacqueline wants her to see a life coach to get her post-high school life on track and figure out what her goals are. Ashley said that she doesn’t need anything like that and claims to have a plan that includes going to community college for either fashion marketing or zoology, which puts her on par with most nine-year-olds, as far as career plans go. So, you know, good for her.

Jacqueline talked to her husband about Ashley and how she wanted her to go to a life coach, but he thought it sounded like quackery as well (and, honestly, it sounds that way to me too). He recommended a good, healthy beating, as did Dina. Specifically, with a wooden spoon. Somehow they managed to segue from that to the fact that Jacqueline didn’t know that there were a bunch of guns in her husband’s big safe. It was clearly a gun safe, so I’m not sure why hadn’t already figured that out, but Jacqueline seemed absolutely shocked. They appeared to have enough assault rifles and ammo in there to stage a coup of New Jersey, make of that what you will.

Let’s see, who haven’t we talked about yet…oh, right. Danielle. Danielle went to see a friend of hers in a diner, and that friend let her know that the restaurant owner’s little niece had cancer. She was invited to a fundraiser for the baby’s medical care, but the catch is that the benefit is at the Brownstone, where Danielle will assumably be shot on sight (maybe that’s what the guns are for.) She said that we should go and made it seem like it was a tough decision for her, but we all know that Danielle would probably teach herself to rock climb and scale the walls to get into that place and have the opportunity spy on the Manzos for even a few minutes.

Speaking of Danielle, Dina called a family meeting with Caroline and Jacqueline to tell them that her spirit guide or whatever had advised her to have a sit-down with Danielle, and Caroline and Jacqueline were suitably horrified. Jacqueline, for one, seems to have finally gotten clued in to the fact that Danielle is crazy, and her reaction was hilarious – she called her Beverly. Angela. Merrill. Staub. I LOL’d. Jacqueline might be my favorite.

Continuing to speak of Danielle (if we didn’t, there wouldn’t be much of a recap), she went to see two really sketchy friends of hers who were ex-cons (and one in particular was really opposed to sleeves) to talk about the Manzos and make some vaguely threatening statements. And then, THEN! Danielle had the best idea ever – she should take one of those guys (the one without the sleeves) to the Brownstone with her! I wonder if he’ll wear an entire shirt to the fancy party.

Caroline, naturally, was horrified that Danielle was coming to the Brownstone to play makebelieve that she’s a good person, and she vowed to “win.” Whatever that means. I guess we’ll find out next week. Or at least I hope we will – I can’t stand many more episodes that merely foreshadow the plot that they keep promising to eventually give us.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • pg1908

    LOL…fabulous recap yet again. I can’t wait until next week’s episode as it appears that’s when all the “foreshadow’d” drama happens. I would have thought they would wait until later in the season.
    Amanda, I’ve always wondered, how many times do you have to watch an episode to write these amazing (and hilarious) recaps?

    • I’m glad you like the recaps! I usually watch each episode about twice. I watch the show live and take notes and create an “outline” of sorts while it’s playing, and then I usually watch the repeat that comes on afterward while I write part of the recap. Luckily, I’ve always been a pretty fast writer. Housewives usually takes me 3-4 hours in total.

  • amy

    lol looks like jacqueline is ready for a mafia battle in that picture. I didnt watch, but looks like i didnt miss much.

  • suz

    Just when I was thinking the show might be headed toward nice wholesome albeit boring family fare (well, if you discount the stripper thing), and I had abandon the TV altogether……..I drifted back by, and POW…..Danielle and a couple of really thugish ex-cons plotting. Now we’re talking! Of course, I’ll watch next week to see what sort of mischief this brings on. Between men without shirts and/or sleeves and tattooed ex-cons, we may yet see a real life episode of the Sopranos!

  • amw

    Yeah, Danielle. Remember the reason the Manzos hate you? Because of your past involvement in CRIMES. So in your infinite wisdom, the way to make them respect/like? you is to bring a person with a similar past over to their business so he can make threats? That should do it; you’re sure to become best friends with them now!

  • Sakyie

    Glad my little joke about Danielle made this post \o/ In comparison to the NYC ladies this year, Jersey is disappointing me. I looked forward to this branch of the Real Housewives to return because I felt the Jersey ladies didn’t hold back. Now its like they’re beating a dead horse, reviving it, and beating it again! The amount of time spent reminding the audience how looney Danielle is, does NOT make for good TV. They need to get to the weave snatching already!

  • laprns

    For the life of me, I keep getting the idea that Danielle honestly thought she & her ex-con friends were going to intimidate Caroline and Dina. Does she not know who their father was?

  • Carla

    Is it just me or when the baby come out did Teresa say, “It’s a boy?” or “What is it, a boy?” or something to that effect? I have a feeling they wanted this one to be a surprise so they could pretend it might be a boy for a few months longer then having an ultrasound would have afforded them.

    And Danielle looked eerily like the guy Danny she was meeting with. In the previews, I thought that was her brother or something. Weird.

  • jill

    omg! we don’t have this yet in Canada! Can’t wait!

  • qudz104

    haha, teresa is so delightfully unaware of anything except whats in her bubble. “men can get pregnant, i saw that one man on oprah!!” and i love how she had like 10 bags to take to the hospital and was on the phone pretty much throughout her labor.
    i also totally LOL’d at the “Beverly. Angela. Merrill. Staub” by jacqueline.
    this season is def not as interesting at RHWONY. lets hope next week is the dramatic “arrest” episode!

  • JenG

    Made my vagina want to pack up and leave. LOL! I must admit it made my vagina want to pack up and leave and I have four boys!

  • Linda

    I think if Theresa had popped out a boy she’d stand a good chance of getting the diamonds. Did you see hubby’s face? He wasn’t happy. As always, love the recaps….so much better than the show!

  • Sofia Nolan

    awwww cute little baby

  • mochababe73

    If giving birth were that bad, women wouldn’t keep having them. I gave birth to both of my children naturally without an epidural. It wasn’t that bad. I didn’t scream like she did. It’s a waste of energy. I have a feeling that Teresa has never given birth naturally because in her blog, she said that she felt everything. Apparently, the epidural didn’t take which happens more than women think.
    Jacqueline has to have the best line from the Jersey Girls this season. As far as Ashley goes, a wooden spoon upside the head is in order. I didn’t see anything stunning about him having a gun safe. Here in Texas, we display them proudly in glass cases and on gun racks in trucks. My father had them under his bed and in his dresser. While my husband said that his uncle kept a rifle propped up at the front door. No one ever touched them because my father threatened to break our fingers if we did. I believed him then, and I believe him now.
    Danielle and Kelly need to get together and get some help. That man made my skin crawl. I can’t believe that she really thought that this was a good idea.
    I love your recaps. Keep ’em coming.
    By the way, Lil Romeo is rumored to be dating Big Papa’s daughter.

  • Nancy

    Great recap Amanda. I thought the missing link, Teresa, looked like she had on a wig in the hospital. Boring episode. If Danielle wasn’t on the show cooking up kookiness, it would be ever so much more boring.

  • Handbag Lover

    Good Recap lady, this episode was boring. I like how you are adding the images with your recaps. :)

  • Jodie

    There’s problably a lot of Shanktagious err Skankalicious girls in NJ

  • Manuela

    Just started reading your blog: GREAT commentary! As much as I like Theresa, it’s hard to believe she’s college educated. I mean, my Gosh, she didn’t know there are diamonds in Africa?! I guess she thinks magic swans just poop them out, or maybe her husband does.
    By the way, that house must’ve cost a mint and a half. We’re in an economic downturn (to put it lightly). Joe is a contractor. Every contractor I know couldn’t afford that house or lifestyle on his best day. How the hell are they affording all that?

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