The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Jacqueline, Teresa, Danielle, Dina and Caroline
Oh. My. Gawd. I know a lot of you ladies probably watch Real Housewives of New York, and if you didn’t stick around after last night’s new episode to see the preview of Real Housewives of New Jersey, well, you made the biggest mistake of your entire week. I’ve been a casual fan of all three incarnations of the “Real Housewives” franchise since way back when Jo and Slade were still going to get married in Orange County. Atlanta is my favorite, for obvious reasons, and I want to be besties with Bethenny from New York (“You come from a place of “no.” BAHahahaha). I’d like an opportunity to punch Kelly Killoren Bensimon in the face, but she’d probably just crumple into a pile of shriveled, fake-tanned limbs if I did that.

Ladies and gentleman, these women are on a different level, and possibly from a different planet. First, does anyone remember Dina from VH1’s Big Fat Fabulous Wedding or whatever it was called? She had the wedding with 700 guests that cost in excess of $1 million. She and her sister Caroline (the one with the short hair) are married to brothers that own a “catering business and banquet hall” in Patterson. Jacqueline, who seems kinda mousy but apparently has a PAST, is married to their brother. Caroline scares the bejesus out of me, mostly because I think she’d totally cut you if the time came.

In Jersey, like in a real-life Sopranos, everyone is apparently related.

There’s Teresa, whose husband owns a “construction company,” and claims to no longer have big Jersey hair (which is, of course, hilarious. Her hair is huge. And possibly a weave, since it doesn’t appear to sit on her head quite right). Most of her section of the preview centered on her quest for “bubbies.” To grown women living outside of north Jersey: that means she wants fake boobs. Teresa may also be the tannest person I’ve ever seen in my life; it’s amazing that she hasn’t turned into a giant, non-moving piece of Teresa Jerky yet.

And then there’s Danielle; it’s unclear how she knows the rest of the Housewives, but like Sheree from Atlanta, she’s a divorcee waiting on her settlement. And like Sheree, if she doesn’t get it, the house is gonna have to go. Getting a job doesn’t seem to occur to her, so she starts trolling online for someone to pay her bills and feed her daughters. Hey, we all have skills. Hers just might not be in the legitimate job market, if you catch my meaning. She does look pretty fabulous for 45, I’ll give her that. She’s well-preserved, and I hope she’ll soon be banging a tennis pro for all of our enjoyment.

You might be wondering why I put some of the “family businesses” in quotation marks – quite frankly, I think they’re all mob fronts. They might as well have all said they were in the dry-cleaning business, and all of their husbands look like wise guys. I’ve worked on the corporate side of the “catering and banquet” industry, and it can be quite lucrative, but it is NOT THAT lucrative. A banquet hall, even a nice one, is not buying Ferraris, million-dollar weddings, and McMansions for you and all of your siblings. A “construction business” is a classic front which should need to explanation – they weren’t even trying hard with that one.

If all of this weren’t enough to entertain you, at the end of the preview they give some clips of the goings-on in the season to come, and that’s what made it all worth it. People start throwing around accusations of prostitution, affiliation with Colombian drug cartels, lewd sexual behavior, and some vague threats from Caroline if someone should, uh, “mess with the family.” Someone flips over a table in a restaurant. This might be the first season of Real Housewives were someone actually GETS SHOT. I can’t promise it, but if any of the broads so far were going to bust a cap in someone, it would be one of these gomattas.

May 12 cannot come fast enough. Excuse me while I set my DVR now.

Share Your Thoughts With Us

  • Lindi

    I’m looking forward to it too…but missed the preview. Are their handbags worth looking at? I love the RHoNYC ladies for their bags. Bethenny talks about how she’s not into fashion yet she carries a black Hermes… Alex had a Chloe Paddington the other night…

  • Empress

    HILARIOUS POST! OMG – I saw the preview and almost passed out. NYC is ok, I watch it to pass the time… Bethenny would so be my friend IRL. Kelly – hot mess. Who invites someone out to “talk” to NOT resolve an issue? Kelly. Woman are you still 12?
    NJ wives look scary and not fashionable at all. People who CONSTANTLY brag (this goes for all the RH shows) about their clothes, houses and cars, gets annoying after awhile. Am I supposed to be jealous? I’m not. I have purseblog. So there.

  • ATLCutie

    I can’t wait either. It looked so good. I didn’t want to speculate as to them being in the mob, but I couldn’t help but wonder how all of them seem to live such fabulous lives from the catering business. But my knowledge of the catering business isn’t so vast so I don’t know. But a million dollar necklace, that’s unbelievable. As for Bethenny I’ve seen her with a black, white, tan (sorry not familiar with the exact color terms) Hermes. She by far has the most fabulous collection on the show.

  • Amanda R

    OMG I hate Kelly! I just saw the “you come from a place of ‘no’ ” episode a few days ago!

    I love to hate these shows. I probably like NY the best, I can’t stand the ladies in Orange County, and I haven’t seen enough of Atlanta to make up my mind. HAHA! It’s such a guilty pleasure, isn’t it?

  • photomj

    LOVED this preview! It is such a hoot to watch these shows and this one does seem to look like it will be the craziest! Yes, I thought “mob ties” immediately as well. As a successful photographer IN the wedding business, I don’t know any catering halls making that kind of “moola”! ha ha

  • Sarah

    The place that they run is called the Brownstone. In the North Jersey area it is considered THE place to cater or have functions at. Your review cracks me up. The show looks like it is going to be the most entertaining aside from Nene from Atlanta.

  • Jennifer

    I decided not to watch NJ Housewives, but for some reason this morning there was nothing on so I watch NY Housewives Tuesday night show and the preview was shown again. I got to watch some of it and I am was still undecided about watching, but after reading your commentary on the show I’ve changed my mind. Your commentary on the show was fun to read, maybe you should have a blog on Bravo!

  • Baghag78

    I love ALL the “Real” Housewives – and this one looks amazing. It’s great to watch the train wrecks on t.v……..and I totoally agree about Bethanny fron NYC – she is “da bomb” :)

  • Lauren

    Oh no, another Bravo addiction for me! Sounds fun and kinda like my family parties :0

  • KathyB

    This installment is going to be awesome!

    Someone will surely get “popped” by the end of the season.

    I can’t wait until May 12!

  • Sherriann

    I wasn’t going to watch the Jersey preview but I decided “to come from a place of yes” lol!! It looks great! I was thinking the same thing about the whole ‘construction business’…I mean it sounded shady when he said it, like he didn’t even believe it himself. Can’t wait to watch!

  • Kat

    Love the blog…so perfect!
    I’m from the area of these NJ housewives, and they are such a mess.
    Dina, who apparently did not get enough attention on her wedding reality show has taken another stab at it!
    I guarantee her hubby doesn’t step in front of the camera once…when she described him as “busy working”, she meant to say “he’s out sleeping around”.
    They probably should have titled it the “Housewives of the Brownstone”….two sisters and a sister in law? Really?…short of casting members, or is no one else in Franklin Lakes that obtuse to have their live broadcasted?
    Just to set the record straight, these women in no way depict “Housewives of New Jersey”.. they are playing that Soprano card a little too hard.

  • Dionee- Alpine, NJ

    ARE YOU KIDDING ME !
    Why were these women picked? They are not interesting. They are an insult to New Jersey woman. The whole reason why I watch The Real Housewives is to look at the interesting lifes of SOCIALITE woman and their ELITE lifestyles. Not a bunch of mobster housewives who are all related and have nothing else better to talk about than the new pasta dish and the new rock they got! They dont look classy or sound well educated. They dont seem to have a purpose other than to get a new dress to my cousins Vinny’s wedding! I doubt they know any aristocrats from New Jersey or any Famous Socialites. What is the purpose of having all these related wives, who cares? I wonder if Bravo was threatened by the mob to pick their wives or else.
    They definetly prove that money is not everything.

  • stephanie

    I totally agree with Kat…these women do not represent NJ housewives AT ALL!!! I live in NJ and I’m a “housewife”..I don’t have big hair and I don’t have an orange glow tan and my husband is not in “construction”.

    I hope all the TPF women out there don’t think these women really represent NJ!! That being said, this show could be good for laughs.

  • hazel

    Oh my, it sounds hilarious! Why have I never watched any Real Houswives before now? I’ll have to try and catch the New Jersey one!

  • Jean

    I saw the preview and thought “OH MY GOD!!!”. I have watched all of them and think this may be the most entertaining yet. They are so funny with the excess and what is with the woman that is waiting for some guy to jump in and save her and her kids financially? Hello, get a JOB!!! What example are you setting for your girls?

  • ChristineNY

    I’m also looking forward to the NJ version of the Real Housewives. I love these shows – OC is my fave, followed by NY. Not too crazy about Atlanta, but that’s probably because it was new. They all seem to get more interesting as they go on. I wasn’t too into NYC last year but really like it this time around. LOVE Bethenny, she cracks me up. I SO want her to slice and dice Kelly.

    But lets not kid ourselves folks, NONE of these people, no matter which show, are in any way members of the “elite” of society or true socialites. For the most part they are uneducated, and most certainly lacking in class. The NY group in particular (except Bethenny) are social climbers of the highest order – the “noveau riche” who think that a checkbook can buy their way into true NY society. The fact is that the true social elite of NYC would rather be tarred and feathered and sign their trust funds over to the housekeeper than to expose their lives in such a crass way. But, they probably wouldn’t be nearly as interesting as this bunch anyway.

    Bring on NJ!!

  • AMJ

    I have to say that no other RH series premiered like this! When that broad turned over that table my mouth flew open. I was already thanking my lucky stars that Caroline was addressing Danielle and not me. Did you see how many people were sitting there listening to Caroline rip Danielle a new one? This is unbelievable! I’m hooked after the 30 minute preview, are you kidding me? I am going to be glued to the telly come May 12th. While I can kinda see where this series will make the NJ natives and residents uncomfortable, I have to admit, Bravo hit this one out the park, this is going to be the bomb.

    Does anyone have a clue why Theresa turned that table over? Do you think someone pointed out that her weave was past her hairline? Just kidding…don’t try to trace the email, I crisscrossed my connection across the country, you’ll never figure out where I am…lol

  • Emilinapiccolina

    Real Housewives of NY, try way to hard to be ‘classy’

    Kelly was recently arrested.. classy huh? And now with the countess being canned for a younger woman…
    I cannot wait for the REAL HOUSEWIVES of NJ.. It looks entertaining. There is no faking here. These women say what they mean and mean what they say.. Italian style. Gotta love it!

  • Otter

    As a former Jersey inhabitant — I’d say it looks pretty real to me. Ha hahahahahaha. Can’t wait!

  • Debbie

    First of all, this was a big advertisement for the Brownstone, NOT a premier caterer. Well I guess everyone wanted more of the Sopranos and now they have the female version. I will watch the show just for the comedic enjoyment but money does not breed class.

  • Urooj

    I seriously LOVE THAT POST I feel the exact same way about Bethanny and Kelly

  • MK

    The Brownstone is not the hottest place to go to book your wedding. Although beautiful itself, its located in Paterson which is run down and ghetto, guests will need a can of mace on their way home.

  • p-o-h

    your posts re: RHNJ are hilarious. Pure comedy. I love reading it all.

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