Oh. My. Gawd. I know a lot of you ladies probably watch Real Housewives of New York, and if you didn’t stick around after last night’s new episode to see the preview of Real Housewives of New Jersey, well, you made the biggest mistake of your entire week. I’ve been a casual fan of all three incarnations of the “Real Housewives” franchise since way back when Jo and Slade were still going to get married in Orange County. Atlanta is my favorite, for obvious reasons, and I want to be besties with Bethenny from New York (“You come from a place of “no.” BAHahahaha). I’d like an opportunity to punch Kelly Killoren Bensimon in the face, but she’d probably just crumple into a pile of shriveled, fake-tanned limbs if I did that.
Ladies and gentleman, these women are on a different level, and possibly from a different planet. First, does anyone remember Dina from VH1’s Big Fat Fabulous Wedding or whatever it was called? She had the wedding with 700 guests that cost in excess of $1 million. She and her sister Caroline (the one with the short hair) are married to brothers that own a “catering business and banquet hall” in Patterson. Jacqueline, who seems kinda mousy but apparently has a PAST, is married to their brother. Caroline scares the bejesus out of me, mostly because I think she’d totally cut you if the time came.
In Jersey, like in a real-life Sopranos, everyone is apparently related.
There’s Teresa, whose husband owns a “construction company,” and claims to no longer have big Jersey hair (which is, of course, hilarious. Her hair is huge. And possibly a weave, since it doesn’t appear to sit on her head quite right). Most of her section of the preview centered on her quest for “bubbies.” To grown women living outside of north Jersey: that means she wants fake boobs. Teresa may also be the tannest person I’ve ever seen in my life; it’s amazing that she hasn’t turned into a giant, non-moving piece of Teresa Jerky yet.
And then there’s Danielle; it’s unclear how she knows the rest of the Housewives, but like Sheree from Atlanta, she’s a divorcee waiting on her settlement. And like Sheree, if she doesn’t get it, the house is gonna have to go. Getting a job doesn’t seem to occur to her, so she starts trolling online for someone to pay her bills and feed her daughters. Hey, we all have skills. Hers just might not be in the legitimate job market, if you catch my meaning. She does look pretty fabulous for 45, I’ll give her that. She’s well-preserved, and I hope she’ll soon be banging a tennis pro for all of our enjoyment.
You might be wondering why I put some of the “family businesses” in quotation marks – quite frankly, I think they’re all mob fronts. They might as well have all said they were in the dry-cleaning business, and all of their husbands look like wise guys. I’ve worked on the corporate side of the “catering and banquet” industry, and it can be quite lucrative, but it is NOT THAT lucrative. A banquet hall, even a nice one, is not buying Ferraris, million-dollar weddings, and McMansions for you and all of your siblings. A “construction business” is a classic front which should need to explanation – they weren’t even trying hard with that one.
If all of this weren’t enough to entertain you, at the end of the preview they give some clips of the goings-on in the season to come, and that’s what made it all worth it. People start throwing around accusations of prostitution, affiliation with Colombian drug cartels, lewd sexual behavior, and some vague threats from Caroline if someone should, uh, “mess with the family.” Someone flips over a table in a restaurant. This might be the first season of Real Housewives were someone actually GETS SHOT. I can’t promise it, but if any of the broads so far were going to bust a cap in someone, it would be one of these gomattas.
May 12 cannot come fast enough. Excuse me while I set my DVR now.