Real Housewives of Miami (1)

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Miami was one of those where Bravo’s editors gave us all the foreplay and none of the action. Everyone was talking about the same ol’ conflicts they’ve been talking about (and not making any progress on) since the beginning of the season, and it looks as though none of them are going to come to a head until next week.

So, in the meantime, what do you guys think? Is Karent as much of an obvious fame hound as she seems to be, above and beyond the regular amount of Housewives famewhoring? Is Romain cheating on Joanna? Is Marta really as shiftless as she’s been made out to be? Does Lea have a single thing to talk about besides her party and Marysol? Let’s explore all of those questions.

We started out with something that sorely needed to be addressed: Marta’s unwillingness to be an adult and get out of her sister’s hair, even if her sister won’t admit that she needs to. Marta showed up at Mynt to talk about the issues with Romain, at which point we found out exactly what Marta thinks her “career” is: she’s in music. Oh, and also acting. And didn’t Joanna also mention that she’s tried to model in the past? And also she’s trying to bogart as much time as she can on Real Housewives. That’s Marta’s career.

So lemme get this straight: Marta’s trying to start a fledgling acting career or music career or anything that will allow her to finally receive more attention than her bombshell sister, but she’s trying to do that from…Miami. Not LA or New York, but from Miami so that she can freeload off her sister and hang out with her friends and eat other people’s groceries. When all that was pointed out, Marta cried, presumably because being forced to confront the fact that you’re lazy and unsuccessful is unpleasant, but maybe also just to divert attention.

Over at Ana’s house, Joanna had shown up to “cook” (read: hack at an onion and push things around in a pan) and talk about Rodolfo. Ana seems a little obsessed with the Rodolfo situation, which would normally make me think that his attention is all in her head, but then Karent seems so deeply in denial that it makes me think there’s something to it. Rodolfo, for his part, never says anything of any substance. Certainly not on the show, but perhaps ever.

Speaking of Karent, she and Rodolfo were our next stop. He had just arrived back in town from god knows where and they got all up on each other on a pool chair to show us all just how much they are totally doin’ it, you guys. Totally doin’ it, those two! No question about that. None of that felt staged or awkward at all. When Rodolfo finally dismounted Karent so that she could tell the really long, drawn-out story of The Tweet Heard ‘Round The World, he reacted similarly to the rest of us: SIGH, SHUT UP ABOUT THE TWEET ALREADY, WE’RE GETTING BORED. He then instructed her to be a huge bitch to the rest of the cast, which, despite being objectively bad advice, will probably gain the two of them extra camera time. So maybe it was actually good advice. Who knows.

The Lea Black Vanity Hour was up next, and we followed her to a little local news show to act extremely important and talk about her charity party. And sell tickets. If there are even any tickets left, of course, because everyone just wants to go to her party so badly. It seems like all Lea does with her time is talk about her party and seethe over Marysol’s very existence.

Oh, in addition to those things, Lea likes to throw shade at Lisa because Lisa also likes to hold events for charity, and Lisa is younger and prettier (and arguably funnier and smarter, based on how they each act on the show), so Lea seems to find that intimidating. How dare anyone else ever host a charity party? Lea invented charity parties! Also, Marysol’s husband left because he got his green card and that’s all he wanted. Did you know that? Lea wanted to make sure you knew that. And that Marysol knew it, so she told it to her at Lisa’s charity party. Lovely.

Karent and her 14,000 teeth showed up just in time to shift the awkwardness away from Marysol and toward herself by touching tongues with Rodolfo to assure everyone that they’re totally doin’ it, because licking each others’ tongues in public is exactly what happy couples do all the time. Ana didn’t even get to witness that blessed event, though, because she immediately ran over to another pack of cast members and hangers-on to report that OMG RODOLFO EXISTS AND ISN’T THAT HILARIOUS AND HE LOVES HER SO MUCH DON’T YOU GUYS SEE THAT AND HE MADE EYE CONTACT WITH HER SO HE’S CRAVING CUBAN! We get it, Ana. Go breathe into a paper bag. We’re done with you for the moment.

In other news about storylines not going anywhere, Joanna and Marta got in another discussion about whether or not Marta’s moving out and who thinks it’s a good idea and who doesn’t and who’s fault the whole thing is. Allow me to posit that perhaps it’s not anyone’s fault? Perhaps adult siblings living together in a relatively small space when one sibling is in a strained relationship is just not that great of an idea, and maybe it’s ok for adults to live away from their families? Just a thought.

We then took a break to watch Mama Elsa dance with a rich crazy person with a really tacky jacket, and it was adorable. I bet Elsa could really get down back in the day. Meanwhile, Karent went to work trying to prove to everyone how well she knows everyone else at the party, especially the people who are rich and important. She was hopping into conversations, trying to take pictures with everyone, inviting people to parties at other people’s houses. Nothing would have made me happier than a bug flying into Karent’s mouth while she was perpetually fake-laughing at things that weren’t jokes, but it didn’t happen this time. With the high bug population in South Florida and the amount of time Karent spends with her yap hanging open, though, it’s only a matter of time. God willing, there will be a Bravo camera crew there to film it.

And now for something completely different: It was time for Lisa and her maid Daysy to give the dogs a bath. One dog is enormous – a boxer? Mastiff? Something like that. Big! – and the other dog is a little furry thing that requires a blowdry. It was cute, though, and if I had Lisa’s body, I’d probably be eager to be in a bikini on television too, even if it required hosing off the family dogs. Then they trimmed the lil’ one! Pups! Nothing puts me in a good mood faster than pups.

Next, at some kind of indeterminate catered lunch that was attended by Joanna, Lea and Adriana, Marysol came up in conversation. Lea insisted for the millionth time that, despite all available evidence of how she interacts with Marysol in person, her issues with her are not personal. Guest list, volunteers, red carpet, blah blah blah. I don’t understand why it’s so difficult to simply hire another PR firm and keep things civil with Marysol in person. Isn’t that what business people do, and isn’t that what Lea wants us to think she is?

After a quick argument over whether or not Adriana was hitting on Romain at Mynt (she was, but I think that’s just how she is), conversation turned to Karent, which was slightly more contentious. Joanna likes Karent for reasons that aren’t quite clear (perhaps simply because someone has to for the storyline to work), and of course, Adriana hates Karent far more than is probably necessary for the relatively minor faux pas that we saw transpire between them. Karent’s an inherently irritating person, though, and Adriana doesn’t seem like the kind of person who’s particularly good at resisting conflict when someone’s on her nerves, even for something that’s not worth fighting about. As Bravo is surely well aware, that’s a combustible combination of personalities. Nothing in the conversation got solved, of course, but Adriana unwisely announced that she planned to confront Karent about her transgressions. Never admit that in front of an ally! That’s just dumb.

Naturally, Joanna left the lunch and immediately called Karent to tell her to watch out for Adriana’s coming rage blackout at the night’s event (which we won’t see until next week). Karent spouted some of her usual self-help book bullshit about how she’s only in competition with herself (right after saying that she’d win an education competition with Adriana any day). All of the drama is going to be saved for next week, sadly, but it looks like there’ll be plenty of it from all sides.

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  • Jaime Smith

    I think the “Real Housewives of
    Miami” is the funniest show on television, and I’m not ashamed to admit I tune
    in every week. Adrianna is my favorite, and I do feel for Marysol, and her
    failed marriage; she seems to be the one person on the show who isn’t over the
    top fake. Unfortunately, I will miss next week’s episode because of my new work
    schedule at DISH. I set my Hopper to record the next episode, and with all the
    DVR recording room I will record the rest of the season. I can’t wait to see
    the show down between Joanna and Adrianna.

  • Laura

    I find Lea quite boring…she really isn’t adding anything to this season.

  • Jennesia

    Joanna irks me! I feel like she is somewhat of an instigator Karent is just annoying. Ana needs to get over Rodolfo…Lea is passive aggressive to everyone….Lisa is useless…Marta is lazy!

  • Kitty

    Amanda,
    I am so happy you are recapping again. I left heart broken, when you decided not to do the NY. Then I came back to check out some purses and here you are recapping. Ha! Once you get hooked up on those darn housewives, you just cannot break it of. I know since I am speaking from experience. Cannot wait for Beverly Hills. I am already having nightmares seeing the plastic face of the new BH housewife Yolanda (scary looking lady). Those BH previews scared me.

  • Kendra14

    Thomas was the Big Poppa of Miami in RHOA. Remember? In.the episode where Kandi and Kim are touring and all the girls meet up in Miami to throw Cynthia a bridal shower. They stayed at Kim’s “friend’s” tacky, red and disturbingly decorated mansion…Thomas!! I am pretty positive Kim was sleeping with Thomas during that time! grrr I am trying to type this on my phone and it is not cooperating with me…but you get my drift, hopefully!

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