Originally, I intended to extend my recapping hiatus to the November premiere of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but I saw last week’s premiere of Real Housewives of Miami and actually…enjoyed it? Even giggled a few times? So now I’m back from my reality TV vacation to make fun of our new Miami cast, which includes both a few holdovers from last season (Mama Elsa!) and a few new arrivals (Joanna Krupa, perfect human).
After only two episodes, we already have a promising season on our hands. This episode consisted mostly of our Housewives, at least half of which are in the process of getting married or divorced, dealing with their various over-eager or under-eager significant others. Without further ado, you can find the recap where it always is: after the jump.
To begin the hour, Alexia and Ana got together to do a post-mortem on the previous episode’s party. The upshot was this: Mama Elsa was fine (if a bit concerned about her hair) after her fainting spell, and Ana still can’t believe that Karent’s boyfriend pretended he didn’t know her. From the limited amount of footage we’ve seen, it seems like Ana’s just as obsessed with her Rodolfo love triangle as she claims Karent (not a typo) is. While that was going on, Karent was having the cheesiest couple’s massage ever, complete with oils, rose petals and very little actual massaging. Karent practically proposed marriage and Rodolfo fell asleep, presumably after texting three or four fly Facebook honeys to see what they might be doing after someone hoses those dead flowers off of him.
Over at her husband’s office, Lisa was…trying to find something to do that could reasonably be filmed and used on the show, as best as I could tell. Apparently Bravo has chosen to save all of the glorious footage of Lisa going to Bal Harbour for later in the season, because last night, she went to her husband’s office and complained about various pictures of bosom-y women on the wall. Such a surprise for a doctor who specializes in fake boobs! I expected to see lots of pictures of reconstructed cleft palates on third-world children, but what do I know? Lisa also spent most of the scene displaying an enormous refund gap, which is not exactly the kind of advertisement for her husband’s work that I’m sure he was hoping the show would be. He clearly has a bustling practice, though, because sometimes he does’t get home until seven, you guys. Seven at night! Sometimes (but not all the time), it’s even start to get dark by then!
At Joanna’s house, Roman was complaining that his supermodel fiancé doesn’t keep enough food around and that her strangely omnipresent sister (Does she live with them? Why does she live with them?) doesn’t act as their impromptu private chef. At some point in the scene, Marta accidentally saw Roman’s penis (and terrifying thatch of pubic hair, apparently) and had a full-body freakout like a 12-year-old who had never seen a peen before, but I was mostly too distracted by how perfect-looking Joanna Krupa is to form real opinions about any of it. Seriously, you guys. She’s a perfect human. It’s mesmerizing. Joanna is the person into which people hope to morph when they get breast implants and lip implants and liposuction and hair extensions. At least half of the incredibly aggressive nose jobs on this cast were probably inspired by her.
Our next stop was back at Ana’s, where she was talking to her two daughters about her boyfriend, her almost-ex-husband, his girlfriend (apparently 30 is scandalously young) and why they haven’t, you know, made that whole divorce thing official yet. Ana’s almost-ex is utterly adorable, so even if she’s also dating someone else, I can understand not quite wanting to shove him out to sea just yet. When Ana finally does, I’ll be out there paddling around in a dingy to intercept him.
We stopped at Lea’s for a hot second for a little Real Talk and a little PR work on behalf of one of her husband’s clients, and then we quickly swung over to an alternate universe, where Lisa, Adriana and their respective significant others were at a yacht show to gather ideas for Frenchy Fiancé’s old man boat. Adriana continues to unenthusiastically claim that she’s going to get married to him and live on the boat, but as Lisa pointed out, she doesn’t wear her rings, and Adriana says it’s because she doesn’t want to haul the ball and chain everywhere she goes. Yep, she’s gonna go marchin’ down the aisle aaaaaaany second now. Just wait. Any second. Clear a path, y’all. Adriana’s comin’ through.
For what it’s worth, the yacht show also brought us our first bit of halfway sympathetic character development about Lisa – she and Lenny would like to start a family, and even got married because they felt it was the first step toward that goal, but she’s had problems getting pregnant. They’ve been trying for three years, which is a significant amount of time, and that kind of pursuit can really mess with a woman’s head. She’s still a twit, but at least she’s a twit with at least one real problem in her life.
Later, Adriana stopped by Mama Elsa’s house, where she consulted her psychic abilities for information about her relationship with Frenchy Fiancé. Adriana didn’t look surprised when Elsa told her that whatshisname wasn’t the one for her, and in fact, she didn’t even flinch. She didn’t argue, she didn’t defend their relationship, she didn’t disagree. At least until Elsa told her that she should let men take care of her, that is – Adriana’s disastrous first marriage taught her a lesson about dependency that she’ll never forget, and she stood up for herself and her career when it was challenged. As silly as Adriana can seem, deep down, I think she’s a deeply sensible person.
You know what’s not sensible, on the other hand? A dentist with a publicist. That’s right, Karent (again, that T is not a typo) sat down with her publicist to discuss her busy schedule of upcoming personal appearances, red carpets and important dental events. Actually, scratch that last part, there were no dental events, just third-tier award shows and fashion weeks, which help Karent grow her dental practice by…I don’t know. I genuinely have no idea how being on the red carpet at the Billboard awards brings a person business doing root canals, or why anyone would photograph a dentist on a red carpet anyway.
Thankfully we were able to forget about Karent’s self-importance rather quickly when Mama Elsa made a stop at Marysol’s office during the workday. Elsa was concerned about the bad energy that may have infected her daughter at the Smith & Wollensky party, so she dropped by to sage the office, spray perfume at random staffers and drop rice on some people’s heads. You know, regular Mama Elsa swag. She makes my own mother’s decision to call me during last week’s Michael Kors runway show and question me about the drapes that hung in my childhood bedroom look almost sane.
We then checked back in with Joanna and her fiancé, who had gone out to dinner to discuss whether or not they were going to bother getting married. It’s counterintuitive to think that a dude would have to be goaded into putting a ring on a gorgeous model who has a good career, makes her own money and isn’t looking to cash in, but apparently this Roman dude ain’t so sure. Well, he was sure, but back when he was, Joanna wasn’t so sure. Another relationship that’s destined for happily ever after, y’all! At least the Miami women are smart enough to not sprint down the aisle at this point in life, and unfortunately I can’t say the same for most of the Housewives in other cities.
The end-of-episode event this week was some kind of outdoor wine party, of which there are many in the Real Housewives universe. After two episodes of random speculation, the get-together finally brought some action on the Ana-Karent-Rodolfo love triangle front. It came at the hands of Adriana, who sort of forced the issue in front of the group, much to the enjoyment of Lea Black, who is simply happy to watch crazy hussies fight. Karent, for her part, seems to have convinced herself that any woman her boyfriend* contacts is just a crazed fan who Rodolfo is kind enough to deal with because of his suffocating, all-encompassing telenovela fame. That seems like the kind of delusion that a lot of women come up with when it’s really obvious that their significant others are cheating all over the place and they’d rather not deal with it.
Karent dismissed herself from the conversation by saying that she was above it, which is patently untrue because she joined the cast of Real Housewives in the first place. Fighting with people she only sorta knows over text messages that someone else sent is more or less her exact job description. Ana’s a lawyer, though, so it’s probably wise that Karent and her delusions and her creative nose job and her extra T dismissed herself from the altercation. We all know this isn’t over, though; it never is.
*Everyone seems to agree there’s something hinky with Karent and Rodolfo’s relationship, and when the entire group thinks something might be true, it generally is. Plus, Karent comes off as having the most calculated image of the cast thus far (srsly, a dentist with a publicist), so I’m not inclined to give her and her “soap star” the benefit of the doubt. Also, fun fact: Karent technically owns the car that Lindsay Lohan accidentally crashed into a bystander in NYC earlier this week. Karent Sierra: accidental Lohan enabler.