First of all, apologies for lateness (and for the complete lack of Real Housewives of Atlanta recap yesterday) – once things get going, it’s hard to crawl out from under New York Fashion Week long enough to do any regular work, let alone write a recap that’s nearly 2,000 words long. Luckily, last night’s third and final installment of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion was so boring that it doesn’t need all that much recapping, so I did get a chance to write a little something.
Now that this is all said and done, I can say with absolute certainty that Bravo should have been able to edit the reunion down to two sections and still included everything that was even remotely interesting. We did get to visit with Dana-Pam (on her own chair so she didn’t give anyone cooties), the husbands and finally Kim, though, so I guess the hour of time was worth it.
1. Russell had bugged the house. He also had Taylor take a lie detector test to make sure that she wasn’t cheating on him. When she passed, he accused Taylor of cheating the test or paying off the examiner. Russell also assaulted a friend’s husband who had offered to help Taylor escape her marriage. I wonder who will get to that friend first, TMZ or Radar? Also, if Taylor really did pop her own jaw back into socket, I can’t even imagine how painful that was. I’ve had to do the same thing to my own knee and ankle in the past, and it’s horrific. And that same pain, but in your face? AHHH.
2. Dana is the most tedious person on the face of the planet. Her shoes said “F**K YOU” on the platforms and she still doesn’t understand the difference between owning expensive things and telling people how much you paid for everything you have, but unlike most of the people we see on Bravo, she fully admitted to being a New Money striver who very much wants to be part of the in crowd. Her explanation of how she grew up made a lot of sense in the context of her behavior, but it also made her sound a little pathetic. If you’re self-aware enough to explain your problem on television (even if you inexplicably continue to refer to yourself as a dude), then you’re self-aware enough to try to stifle your striving tendencies when necessary.
Sadly, no one asked Dana-Pam how her fiance makes his money or whether or not he actually exists. Those were the answers I actually wanted to hear, not about why she feels the need to tell everyone how much her sunglasses cost. I mean, I could have guessed.
3. Mauricio’s butt. MAURICIO’S BUTT.
4. Lisa gives a mean BJ.. Well.
5. Kim carried a clutch to her interview. I mean, I don’t even…what?
6. THE GREAT KIM SITDOWN OF 2012! We learned a few things: Kim is an alcoholic, she’s been through rehab three times and she has major anxiety issues for which the treatment center prescribed medication. Kim was sober at the beginning of the season but things spiraled during filming, and by the end, she was fully off the wagon. She claims to have been completely sober except for her doctor-prescribed meds at game night. Well, I guess this should all be prefaced by “Kim claims.” I’m not entirely convinced that alcohol was her only problem and I wonder if she didn’t also have trouble moderating her own medication.
Kim also blamed Brandi for upsetting her children and bringing shame and pain on her family at game night, but that’s not the kind of stuff that a fully rehabbed addict says, which makes me nervous. It’s not embarrassing to be Kim’s daughter because someone called her a meth addict or whatever it was that Brandi said, it’s embarrassing to be Kim’s daughter because she acts in a way that people can credibly accuse her of being a meth addict. Kim’s daughters’ pain is her fault, and someone who had been in rehab for long enough would be ready to admit that. Part of the process is fully admitting and owning the pain that you’ve caused to others, and Kim doesn’t seem ready to do that quite yet.
7. Kim moved out of Ken’s house and into a hotel. She looks healthier now, if still obviously medicated, so I hope she continues in outpatient therapy and that her situation continues to improve.
8. Kim and Kyle both still have a tenuous grasp of the word “private.” I don’t think it means what they think it means. They can’t shout at each other about things (like Kim’s alcoholism) on the show and then self-righteously insist that they shouldn’t be expected to further address those subjects in interviews. That stuff isn’t private anymore. They chose to make it public, and our subsequent curiosity about those subjects isn’t rude or wrong. Particularly since Kyle is the one who put Kim up to being on reality TV in the first place, knowing full well that she’s an alcoholic.
9. Kim went to rehab voluntarily this time. Her previous stays had apparently been against her will, to a certain extent, but apparently Kim found rock bottom and finally checked herself in. There was talk that she checked herself out before she was supposed to, though, and she still doesn’t sound entirely like someone who has absorbed the lessons of addiction therapy.