Although not a whole lot happened on last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (a half-hearted stripper class, a party with no alcohol, a faux-peacemaking between Brandi and Joyce), it was one of the more entertaining episodes of the season. Everyone was a bit looser than usual and joking around with each other, and that’s where the interesting nuggets (like another moment of Kyle impersonating Lisa) come out.
1. Kim calls her a vagina a “wiener.” Kyle can’t even say the word “vagina” out loud with a straight face. She has to do that shout-whisper thing that middle schoolers do while making the CAN YOU BELIEVE WE’RE TALKING ABOUT THIS eyes, just so we know how scandalized she is that something would cause her to talk about female genitalia in polite company. Despite all of this fear and loathing over the word “vagina,” the conversation happened while they were at the waxer to get Kyle’s hoo-ha de-haired.
2. Pole-dancing class is the center spot on Real Housewives Bingo. FINISH YOUR DRINK! Wait, that’s not how bingo works.
3. Pole dancing doesn’t seem that exotic when you ride the NYC subway every day. There are roving troops of high school boys who pole dance on the L train for tips. They’re quite good! Until they kick you in the face, anyway. That’s when you become a real New Yorker.
4. Don’t lick the pole, Carlton, you’re going to get an infection. Keeping your tongue off of foreign objects is, in general, a good lifehack.
5. Kathy Hilton got invited to Buckingham Palace. That wasn’t the point of Kim’s story, but it’s what I took away from it.
6. How do I hire a cheeseburger truck to park outside of my place of residence? Asking for a friend. (Does it require you to raise a child and make sure she successfully graduates from high school? That might be a dealbreaker.) (For my friend.)
7. Brandi is opposed to dick pics. You know, I didn’t expect that. I bet whoever sent her a portrait of his dong didn’t expect it either.
8. I get motion-sick if I scroll down my phone too fast sometimes, so I feel for Brandi. On the other hand, now I have a good pre-made excuse never to take a pole-dancing class. Brandi has performed a valuable service for me.
9. Can you imagine underprivileged kids dressed in Lisa’s clothes? I’m just seeing a room full of foster kids wearing frilly pink button-downs and cocktail dresses. Maybe Lisa could just give the maid a couple hundred bucks and send her to Uniqlo to pick up some stuff for the kids. That might be a little more practical.
10. Joyce thinks the anti-bullying campaign is about her.
11. Lisa’s not the the first person to fudge the truth to skip some frienemy’s kid’s life event. I’m sure Kim’s daughter is a lovely girl, and Kim can perhaps be lovely under particular circumstances, but why in the world would Lisa go? There is no reason. So Lisa did what every person who didn’t want to go to some coworker’s kid’s party has done since the beginning of time: she fudged the truth about her plans for the date and time of the party.
12. Ken has a point. Yes, we remember that Kim’s an alcoholic. We had our reminders at 15 minute intervals during this episode just like we always do. At a certain point, though, Kim’s just going to have to realize that her bad behavior during that period of her life has changed relationships, changed the way that people view her and changed the way that they treat her. No one’s required to show up to her stuff after years of her not showing up at theirs, and if they tell a little white lie to spare her feelings and avoid an argument about it, then that’s just another penalty of bad behavior that she can discuss with her therapist next week. Getting sober doesn’t absolve anyone of their bad behavior or magically repair anyone’s feelings about you.
13. Can Joyce and Brandi please stop talking to each other? The longer their conflict wears on, the more it feels like they were set up to start fighting by producers. I honestly have no idea how to started, despite the fact that it’s only been going on for a few episodes, and neither side is particularly sympathetic or compelling. Can we point them in different directions and be done with it?