We took a couple weeks off from your regularly scheduled Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps to do the whole Christmas-New Year’s-Polar Vortex thing, but now we’re back with more observations about everyone’s favorite overprivileged Southern California nutcases (and Lisa).
1. I didn’t see the last two episodes, but it seems like everything has continued apace. Brandi and Joyce still hate each other. Lisa, at least nominally, wants everyone to get along. I still can’t stand how Brandi pronounces “bullying.” Joyce compared her struggles with Brandi calling her by the wrong name to Jesus dying on the cross. The more things change, the more they stay the same!
2. Can someone translate Kim for me? What was all that nonsense about her giant bed and sleeping in a crate and sleeping on her mom? Also, I feel bad for her dog and his fruitless efforts to figure out what she’s asking him to do.
3. Golfing is harder than it looks. An ex-boyfriend took me to a driving range once, and only then did I realize that it’s pretty hard to hit the ball instead of hitting the ground. Kyle and Joyce actually did okay, but I’d say that Joyce’s omnipresent Birkin and her distracting cleavage were probably indicators that she had other things on her mind.
4. Joyce thinks Brandi is single because she’s mean. It’s not bullying as long as you say it behind someone’s back!
5. It’s cute that Yolanda thinks Brandi might change or improve. Yolanda! So blonde and pretty and hopeful. She had a sit-down with Brandi to remind her that it would be good if she swore less and calmed down a little bit and maybe didn’t freak out as often. It’s good that Yolanda had that meeting, because obviously no one had ever thought to suggest those things to Brandi before. Now everything about Brandi’s personality is fixed.
6. Getting a tattoo doesn’t hurt that much. It just doesn’t! It burns a little, and getting the lines straightened up stings, but it’s just not that bad. Take a couple of ibuprofens an hour before and grit your teeth. Stiff upper lip, Carlton! Be British about it!
7. Carlton’s commitment to looking like she stepped out of an Ed Hardy ad is impressive. Where does she even buy those clothes anymore? The sandblasted flare jeans? The T-shirts that have been split and then stitched back up, corset-style?
8. Bravo found Brandi’s one black friend! They found her and they brought her in to imply that Brandi isn’t a racist by her very presence (Brandi can’t be racist! She has a black friend!), and also to explain to Brandi that perhaps it was dumb to make a racist joke in front of people (and also cameras). And then, as quickly as she appeared, Brandi’s Black Friend was whisked away once again. This time, to teach Kyle’s daughters to model. Multipurpose!
9. Jamie Lee Curtis is such a random Real Housewives guest star. Her look of bare toleration while Kyle was doing her soliloquy about how much she admires her was perhaps my favorite part of the episode. But, but, Jamie Lee was there because Kyle and Mauricio gave a bunch of money to a children’s hospital, so that’s nice.
10. In the grand tradition of Real Housewives, Joyce doesn’t know all the big words. Chastise. Reprimand. Probably others too. It’s good that she’s very pretty. You only need one talent, folks.
Handbag count: One Chanel Flap Bag, one Hermes Birkin, one Dolce & Gabbana Miss Sicily in Lisa Pink.