Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills felt a little bit…transitional. It was like the reality version of a police procedural; we saw a lot of behind-the-scenes machinations, the careful formations of tentative alliances, oblique discussion of topics over which there shall be much screaming in the future. Also, there was Stevie Wonder. Hi, Stevie!
1. Once again, I love Housewife families. Yolanda sprang from the loins of a normal woman, not some kind of Dutch-Amazonian hybrid woman who existed only to birth ultra-blonde, ultra-tall supermodels. Her mom is a lady who looks like a mom, and her brother looks like a brother. Aren’t the vagaries of genetics wonderful and strange? Science!
2. The Beverly Hills Housewives have the cutest pets of all. Lisa mostly dominates this area, particularly with the addition of a Golden Retriever puppy named Buttsex to the already-adorable Giggy the Sex Monster, Kyle’s Golden looks like a sweetheart and Brandi’s fat lil’ mix breeds sealed the win. Kim’s pittie is also pretty cute, if a little addled by the fact that it’s taking instruction from Kim. Carlton, of course, has a black cat. (He fell and had to get acupuncture. Poor little critter.) (How brave and/or impervious to pain do you have to be to give acupuncture to an upset cat?)
3. Mario has addressed the cheating allegations on-camera, finally. His recognition that people think he’s messing around on his wife was a bit oblique, but it was nonetheless fascinating to see him forced to acknowledge it at all.
4. I would be mad if someone was yammering at me while I got a facial. I feel like it’s an upspoken girls’ rule that you should shut up and let people relax during beauty treatments. That includes mani-pedis, facials and hair services of any kind. Just be quiet and play your iPhone game of choice. On silent. I know that obviously Kyle and Joyce had to talk during their facials because it was a setup for the show, but even the thought of someone trying to talk to me about friend rivalries while I’m getting extractions gives me anxiety.
5. Everyone’s children are leaving! Yolanda’s daughter went to prom last week, Kim’s daughter searched for a graduation dress this week and next year, Kyle’s second child will need to pick a college of her own. On top of that, Lisa’s son-in-law wants to fly the coop with Pandora and get a job in Manhattan. Lisa will be having none of that, and something tells me Lisa will have her way. (After all, she only lives in LA because Pandora decided to go to college at Pepperdine.)
6. Kyle thought she was going to be a lawyer. Heh.
7. Kathy Hilton is a passive-aggressive underminer. Please, try and hide your shocked faces, they’re rude.
8. Getting a star on the Walk of Fame was pretty baller. It’s even cooler when Stevie Wonder shows up. It’s definitely much cooler than all the made-up awards that have been given to Housewives cast members around the country in exchange for a moment’s worth of Bravo publicity for the Gwinnett County Junior League or whatever.
9. Brandi and Carlton made out. I’m sure that they were both devastated that the cameras weren’t there to capture it, but personally, the fact that there was no footage for Bravo to rub in our faces, both in previews and during the episode, makes me consider rejoining the church. Who knew that Carlton could ever be a force for returning people to the flock?