Although last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills wasn’t particularly entertaining in the way that we often hope Real Housewives will be entertaining – explosive fights, table-flipping, all that good/awful stuff – but it did have its own sort of charms, even if they were mostly mired in the absurdity of the show’s details and the cast themselves. Either that, or I’ve got Real Housewives Stockholm Syndrome something fierce, a possibility which I have yet to entirely rule out. At any rate, it’s time for a recap of the episode’s best moments.
1. For some reason, I thought we left Paris last week. That impression was apparently not based on objective reality. This is Real Housewives, so maybe my subconscious was just getting into the mood of the show.
2. Continuing the Parisian gift-giving, Yolanda bought Brandi shoes. Yolanda would probably be a pretty fun friend to have, even if she made you drink the spicy lemonade with her every now and then. Let’s be real, I would probably be willing to trade some spicy lemonade consumption for shoes. Everyone has their price, and mine is fairly low.
3. How many aliases does Mauricio have? Kyle calls him Mauricio, Kim usually calls him Maurice and sometimes Morris, although maybe she means Maurice but just fails to annunciate. During their post-trip conversation about listing her late father-in-law’s (absolutely baller) house for sale, Marina or whatever that woman’s name is also called him Maurice. What’s his name? Should we call him Maury just to find the common syllabic denominator?
4. LISA’S VIEW. I got nothin’. Nothin’ but jealousy, and also some arrogance, because I’ve once again been proved right in my assertion that this show would be more entertaining if it were just a tour of things that Lisa owns every week. Real talk, I’d take a tour of her cutlery drawer.
5. I couldn’t do a photo shoot like the one Yolanda did with her husband. I get the vicariously-embarrassed church giggles just looking at people’s engagement photos on Facebook, so watching a middle-aged couple in repose on a set of stairs was a bit too much for me. I’m sure a therapist would have something to say to me about that, which is why I don’t go to therapy.
6. Kyle wants to fill her boutique with cheap-looking printed caftans. Not that I have anything against a caftan (because for real, I love a caftan moment), but Kyle’s taste in them tends to run toward the off-brand Roberto Cavalli wannabes that appear to be made out of highly flammable fabrics. In pursuit of those caftans, she turned down a super modern colorblocked tunic and a good tuxedo dress. Admittedly, anyone trying to get the “Kyle” look probably doesn’t want those things, but would instead prefer a selection of palazzo-leg jumpsuits to peruse at their leisure.
7. The Return of Dana-Pam. Apparently Dana-Pam isn’t engaged anymore, but she’s replaced the love of her former fiance with the love of vodka. (Close your eyes and they feel sorta similar, I promise. Also, closing your eyes helps the room to stop spinning.) She was still trying way too hard to seem funny and carefree, but at least she didn’t mention the price of anything that she had on her person this time around (although that might have simply been a function of not having anything new to talk about). By the end of her conversation with Taylor, Dana-Pam was visibly wasted and doing what I thought was trying to light her cigarette with her cocktail. (Turns out it was a candle in a tumbler, but it took her long enough to do get a successful light that it might as well have been a cocktail.) In case you were wondering, D-P still hates Brandi, and if you can remember why, fill us in. As far as I can remember, it was just because hating Brandi was the trendy thing to do last season.
8. I don’t understand the name of Kyle’s boutique. Kyle By Alene Too? What the hell is that? It certainly did seem like the chintzier parts of her closet threw up all over the store, so at least the “Kyle” part is appropriate.
9. The back of Yolanda’s head at Kyle’s party is what I’m scared the back of my head looks like all the time. Girl, I can see your weave tracks. (I don’t have any weave, but I’m pretty sure whatever’s happening back there ain’t pretty, and I’m glad no one films me from behind for anything that people get to see. Look at me from the front, y’all. FROM THE FRONT.)
10. Kim accidentally took the wrong pill in Paris. Addicts tend to fudge the truth, but for some reason, I believe Kim. I nearly put Mario Badescu face soap on my toothbrush this morning, so I’m also in no place to judge anyone for not paying all that close of attention to what’s going in his or her mouth.