As Real Housewives of Beverly Hills stumbles toward its eventual season finale, it continues to be a show without a real narrative. Brandi’s issues with Adrienne and Paul have stayed resolved. Taylor, who we were accusing of alcoholism last week, wasn’t so much as mentioned in passing in this week’s episode. Bravo tried to get us to believe that Kim may have drunk herself to death in her hotel room, which is a pretty bad way to try and drum up tension when we all know that Kim’s alive and well. At the very least, though, the backdrop of this week’s boring episode was Paris. That counts for something, I suppose.
1. Kyle thinks her Paris bridge lock will be there in years to show the kids. Hate to break it to her, but some dude with a beret and bolt cutters is going to get rid of that thing to make room for the next round of tourist locks in two weeks.
2. Despite the cobble stones of Paris, everyone still wore heels. Vanity, thy name is Real Housewives. Lisa, notably, had no apparent problems with her stilettos. Kim wore wedges, and Kyle wore heels and complained about it. No one wore flats except Ken, who was also wearing a leather blazer and carrying Giggy (in velvet) on the group’s shopping trip. In addition to Lisa’s closet, I would also watch episodes about Ken’s and Giggy’s.
3. “Is Kim drunk?” is everyone’s favorite topic of conversation. After Lisa and Ken had somehow ditched Kim for Yolanda (a trade up, by all measures), they sat down on a picturesque Paris bench to discuss whether Kim was loopy because of prescriptions, booze, prescriptions AND booze, or just because Kim is inherently loopy. Or, you know, maybe jet lag? That’s a thing people have when they switch continents, even non-alcoholics and people not on reality TV. I hear that it has symptoms that include grogginess and mid-day nappy times!
4. Bravo tried to pretend like Kyle and Yolanda might find Kim dead in her hotel room, for drama’s sake. Like TMZ wouldn’t have had the story six months ago if Kim was dead. Or like people wouldn’t have noticed at some point that Kim wasn’t doing any pre-season press for the show. Or that she hadn’t written any Bravo blogs because she’s dead. The Internet would know these things. I get a press release from TMZ if a Housewife so much as sneezes on someone at a restaurant.
5. Kim’s crying from last week’s preview was about Lisa being mean. Lisa seemed to be coming from a good place, but she also has a tendency to mother people and stick her nose into other people’s problems, and because she’s never been in Kim’s place, she probably didn’t realize that it would be best to skip the jokes. Brandi actually did a great job of explaining why everyone should just back the hell off of Kim, but Lisa still poked around at what was going on when Kyle came inside the cooking lesson.
6. The chef teaching the cast’s cooking lesson was American. Because every girl’s vacation dream is to go all the way to Paris to take a cooking class with a goateed dude from Missouri.
7. While shopping, they all pretended to be shocked by the prices of things they can buy in the US. Those were, like, Valentino and Lanvin bags. I’m pretty sure they sell that stuff in Beverly Hills, and the price would even look lower in euros! Also, buying stuff in France is great because when you leave, you get the VAT back. Real shoppers know that stuff, and if these people purport to be real shoppers, I don’t want to see any shocked faces.
8. Ken and Mauricio’s Segway tour of Paris could have been an episode of its own. But only if they got a tiny Segway for Giggy. Also, Mauricio earned back a few points last night by surprising Kim with the Stella McCartney bag she had been eyeing in a boutique. As acts of brother-in-law kindness go, that’s pretty good.
9. Why does Kyle think that Lisa should be friends with her like the old days? Kyle has openly conspired with Team Adrienne and said all manner of nasty things about Lisa behind her back (but in front of cameras), and as far as I can tell, Lisa is still perfectly civil, at times even friendly, to Kyle when they interact. Does Kyle think she can pinky-swear to be nice and that they’ll go back to braiding each others’ hair and talking about boys? In adult friendships, if you screw up and do mean things, sometimes you don’t get to go back to the friendship exactly as it was before. Lisa isn’t unfair for not wanting to be close to Kyle. Who would want to be close to Kyle under those circumstances.