Now that the Brandi-versus-Adrienne kerfuffle seems to be more or less resolved (for the show’s purposes, at least), what are we to do with Real Housewives of Beverly Hills now? Bravo’s answer to that seems to be, “Why, go to Paris, of course,” but it seemed to be an entirely arbitrary decision on the part of the cast, based only on the fact that Yolanda was headed there and Lisa was going to be in St. Tropez, which is in the same country as Paris. So, you know, no real storyline there either.
To remedy that, producers have decided at this late date to try and convince all of us that Taylor is an alcoholic instead of a lightweight with a lot of problems who has a couple too many glasses of wine from time to time. That’s the kind of narrative arc that takes more than an episode and a half to develop (as Bravo should well know, since it’s already done the Housewife-as-alcoholic thing on this same show), so I’ve got a proposition: Why don’t we just let Lisa take up the balance of the season by giving us tours of her house, its grounds, and the homes of her friends? Think about it and get back to me, Bravo.
1. Kim and Kyle are just so concerned about Taylor. Based on Taylor’s blog post from last week, the whole running-off-to-Beaver Creek episode wasn’t nearly as bad as it was edited to look, and Kyle knew very well that Taylor didn’t yet know that she had taken Kennedy with her. Kyle never lets the facts get in the way of camera time, though, so she and Kim scheduled an impromptu drive-by intervention for a problem that Taylor may or may not actually have.
2. Lisa has swans. Because of course she does. We were fools to think she might not have swans.
3. Based on the packing scene, Bravo may know our feelings about Lisa’s closet. She could have pulled diaphanous floral maxi dresses and bright Burberry trenches out of her closet for a full 44 minutes and I’d have been happy as a little jealous clam.
4. Bravo showed us two scenes of Taylor’s over-the-top drunkenness over two seasons to prove to us that she’s an alcoholic. Based on that, we should probably haul me off to the drunk tank too, and I don’t even have lawsuits and a kid and a dead husband to drink away. Kim’s concern did seem very genuine and emotional, while Kyle, on the other hand…well, she really just sat there and admired her handywork. I’m willing to believe that Taylor uses alcohol as a crutch from time to time to take her mind off things, but I think there’s a pretty wide gap between her and Kim.
5. Yolanda and Mohamed divorced because he cheated. I think we all knew that, more or less, but it was interesting to hear Yolanda say it out loud. It gives context to Yolanda’s constant talk of how to keep a man interested – I’m sure that if you’ve been through that in the past, you want to feel like you’re doing everything in your power, whether it’s actually helpful or not, to make sure it doesn’t ever happen to you again. Slowly, she’s growing on me.
6. “I’m too old for him and he’s too old for me.” She gets flustered and inarticulate when attacked, but Brandi is pretty clever, you guys.
7. Ken has a 21-year-old grandkid. He had his son from a previous marriage when he was 19 (or 21, depending who you ask), which kind of blew me away. Everyone in that particular scene looked quite well-preserved, particularly Ken’s son. Good aging jeans in that family. Or a good plastic surgeon with a light touch. Or both.
8. Watching Brandi unfold out of a cab was kind of entertaining. My dad once described seeing Yao Ming extend himself out of a taxi in Atlanta during the NBA All-Star Game weekend, and I imagine it looked something like Brandi getting out of the van. The legs, they just went on forever. Everyone else was hopping down to the ground, she just stepped out. Brandi’s legs might be as long as my entire person.
9. When your stepson is rich, you get to go from St. Tropez to Paris in a helicopter. I would one day like to take a helicopter from New York City to the Hamptons, if only so that if anyone ever asks me what the douchiest thing I’ve ever done is, I’ll know right away.
10. Was Kim drunk? Sometimes it’s hard to tell if Kim has maybe fallen off the wagon; Sober Kim is still pretty strange and doesn’t enunciate all that well, probably because of her prescription anti-anxiety meds that I’m sure she’s still taking. We only saw a couple minutes of Kim acting flight, which is hardly a record even post-rehab, and then 15 seconds of ominous, if vague, footage from the upcoming episode. We also saw Kyle look on in genuine shock and confusion as Giggy arrived in the hotel room ahead of Lisa and Ken, who were merely down the hall and not, say, trapped in a well with Giggy playing the part of Lassie, so perhaps jet lag just isn’t friendly to those girls.