Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

I swear on everything that is holy, you guys, if I have to listen to one more Botox’d middle-aged woman fight about what someone said or didn’t say on Twitter, I’m going to lose my mind and defenestrate myself. (You like that? It was today’s word of the day in the elevator at work.) Unfortunately, last night’s major throwdown on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills devolved into what is not a requisite Twitter slapfight, and although Bravo at least makes an effort to display the tweets in question during the episode, it’s still not great, or even good, television.

Instead of just complain, though, I have a proposition for solving this problem. When it comes to any particular point of contention that a cast member knows may be discussed, he or she should be required to show up with physical proof of their side of the story, if it exists. Brandi should go to all Housewives tapings with the letter from Adrienne’s lawyers. If anyone takes issue with a tweet, print it out and put it in a folder. Time for a party? Bring your folder. No folder? You don’t get to argue. The contents of my folder are below.

1. Kyle has a lot of clothes for someone who seems to wear exclusively jumpsuits. Who even knew there were that many distinct jumpsuits ever manufactured?

2. Kyle doesn’t defend Lisa because Lisa doesn’t need defending. I’m not sure that’s true, but it is a pretty good explanation for not jumping in to come to Lisa’s rescue. Kyle complaining that fighting aggravates her anxiety is worth a pretty big eye-roll, though, considering that Kyle is the captain of Team Adrienne and takes up the mantle at every opportunity. To be fair, though, Lisa seems to be dwelling on some fairly petty slights just as much as everyone else, which doesn’t help bolster her above-it-all image.

3. Yolanda has a horse. Of course she does. But she says that she wishes she had more money to get additional horses, because most of her daughter’s competitors have several horses, which makes me wonder exactly what kinds of houses those people live in. I mean, what was that, some kind of faux modesty to make conversation with Brandi the Plebe? I did enjoy the part where Yolanda called Adrienne a nobody, though. You could tell she really meant it, and it’s fascinating when the rich eat their own.

4. I could spend an hour a week simply being shown different parts of Lisa’s house. Hell, different parts of Lisa’s closet. Of course, the outdoor tea was also just as perfect as perfect can be. The table setting and staff and color story and drinks and desserts, anyway. The guests, not as much.

5. Brandi thinks Marisa should do a threesome. Considering how much she talks about how she’s bored with her husband, maybe Brandi’s right. At the very least, it would break the boredom.

6. Kyle and Adrienne came packing a Faye. Because fighting is so bad for Kyle’s anxiety, you guys! Lisa apparently told Kyle not to bring her, so showing up with her anyway is the definition of “looking for a fight.” Camille, on the other hand, came with an actual peace offering in the form of a house-warming gift. That’s why we still like Camille better than Adrienne and Faye and all of them, even though Camille seems to be making a late-season campaign for a starting spot on Team Adrienne.

7. Taylor was the first one to bring up the lawsuit. I expected it to be Brandi, honestly, or maybe Faye, but there came Taylor, rushing up to the front and trying to make herself relevant. See also: bringing up the previous year’s white party, even though she had a bit of a point. When she and her husband were merely mentioning a lawsuit last season, everyone vilified them, and with good reason, so why shouldn’t Adrienne have to answer to the same criticism? Lisa assigning Taylor and Brandi random stuff from the table to “carry into the kitchen” to halt the conversation was pretty priceless.

8. Adrienne claims she’s not suing anyone. No matter how much Googling I do, I can’t figure out what’s going on with this one. My gut instinct is that Adrienne is lying and that she did did indeed have the family’s lawyers threaten Brandi with a lawsuit. She said that she was going to do that during Mauricio’s party and in front of the cameras, after all. It seems like Lisa has seen the letter and has some first-hand knowledge of the money Brandi’s doled out to her lawyers to respond to it. To me, whether or not Adrienne has followed through with the lawsuit is kind of immaterial – if you’re threatening lawsuits and having your lawyers contact people who you know don’t have the money to fight with you in order to intimidate them, you’re being a douchebag.

9. It must be fun to have a “camp.” Adrienne says that Brandi has accused people in her “camp” via Twitter. Lisa says that the letter came from Adrienne’s “camp.” Apparently a “camp” includes lawyers and a personal chef, which means that I don’t have a camp. Maybe one day.

10. I still really don’t like listening to people fight about Twitter. There is nothing more high school than a fight over what someone said or didn’t say on Twitter. I certainly don’t want to listen to a bunch of middle-aged women argue about it on TV when I could be doing something important like watching DVR’d episode of Catfish.

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  • Anne

    You should recap Catfish episodes, too!

  • Yerani_km

    Adrienne is a nobody clearly! She doesn’t even own a single horse.

  • winterpenny

    Just heard that they are looking to revamp the RHBH line-up for next season. Faye is on the short list. Which means the end of the RHBH (at least for me)!

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      Ugh, yeah, if she’s on the cast, I’m out.

  • Wandie

    Lisa’s house and “tea party” i mean seriously? Amazeballs!

  • NCGal

    Lisa’s house looks like a lux day-spa, fahgawdsakes! Kim? Clocked on meds with that slurry, husky, creepy little girl voice. Taylor has totally lost her mind. She was crazy and sad and very drunk on WWHL last night.

    • LuvleyJubley

      Taylor is at least as much a drunk a Kim ever was, or is She’s a less likable drunk, too. Whereas Kim was scattered and fragile, and kind of sad, Taylor is just mean, vindictive and ridiculous. I wonder if no-one calls her on it because of new new widow status, or because Kyle can only fret over one alcohoilc at a time…

  • Relli

    I caught the tale end of this last night and I LOVED Lisa giving busy tasks to get them in line. Classic mom move in my house anyway.

    Interesting you were unable to dig on A, word on the street is that Adrienne is a bit of an enigma and by the street i mean the gossip site I frequent. Some of the commenters were discussing our fave RHW blogs and someone brought up that Adrienne has no searchable past on the internet. Apparently someone who specializes in researching backgrounds (and really loves RHW i guess) was unable to unearth anything on her past; no former classmates or old pictures nothing. I now spend every moment watching her and looking T her photos trying to determine is she is a man.

    Also if that one color woman gets on the cast i prob wont watch either, she is a fun hater.

    • Pixel_Queen

      “Color woman???”

      • steven wiser

        agh sorry that did not come out right, typing on my phone on the train. I meant one-colored woman Faye, her hair and her skin match, when the camera pans out she looks monotone. I spend every moment she on screen trying to determine if she tans her skin to match the color of hair or the other way around. Plus she is like really, really angry and she sucks the life out of every situation, total fun-hater.

      • Pixel_Queen

        Got it! Thanks for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate that.

  • SB artist

    I agree 100% with you on point #10. (twitter fighting, or as Bravo calls them “twitter wars” –ugh!) HOWEVER, you come off quite age-ist in your use of the term “middle-aged”. (Not once but twice in this blog). And this is not the first time you have shown this side of yourself.

    Is a twitter fight entertainment if it’s between two 21 year-olds? It’s boring television no matter what age the participants. I get that you’re trying to be snarky, but watch it… I mean, you ARE writing a blog for women, after all. (I personally could give a rat’s ass about handbags, but I do enjoy your television show analysis and wit.)

    • suz

      I agree….twitter wars are tiresome no matter who’s involved. But….those women ARE middle-aged, and they didn’t grow up with an iphone as part of their culture….so somehow it seems even more stupid. And, since Amanda is in her twenties, these women are old enough to be her mother, and who would want to see their mother act like such asses……just sayin’.

  • lauurenway

    I think its sad that when Brandi said, i can print out the letter Adrienne kept saying “but you attacked him on twitter” she changed her story from no, I didn’t do it, to well you attacked him on twitter!! I think yolanda meant she wishes she had her own income to buy her daughter multiple horses because obviously mohammed could afford them but she seems to be getting her independence back with working again

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