As much as I usually love Real Housewives of Beverly Hills both this week’s episode and last week’s have left me feeling supremely unsatisfied. When you combine that with the fact that there was no new episode of Catfish on MTV last night, the evening’s television offerings left much to be desired. The problem with this season of Real Housewives, I think, is that there’s only one real storyline – Brandi’s feud with Adrienne. On top of that, much of the specific information for the narrative can’t be shared with the audience because of a pending lawsuit, so what we’ve ended up with is a lot of repetitive talk that can’t really go anywhere. Great.
Then there’s the issue of what we have beyond Brandi’s beef, which is…not much. Kim doesn’t want to hang out with the group, and neither does Adrienne. Camille’s only half a housewife. Yolanda hasn’t taken the bait to get in her first major fight with anyone. Taylor is…do we know where Taylor is? Perhaps more importantly, do we care? Either way, let’s have a recap, list-style.
1. Stripper lessons are a new square on Housewives Bingo. First New Jersey, now Beverly Hills. And that’s not even counting Queen of Jordan, which totally counts, I think.
2. Also on the Housewives Bingo card: handbag line. Hot on the heels of Gretchen from Orange County, we have Adrienne, who is taking the Maloof Hoof to a whole new department of a Ross: Dress For Less near you. Her logo print is in Times New Roman and looks approximately like an intern made it while trying to get the hang of Photoshop basics. I would expect nothing less from a woman with tinsel hair extensions.
3. Kim called Kyle in Vegas to let her know that she was going to get her face chopped up. Like, that afternoon. If you’re on speaking terms with your sister, don’t you warn her that you’re having surgery, even if it’s elective, before the day it happens? Especially if she’s out of town? And as Brandi mentioned, aren’t pain meds a little bit tricky with addicts? Even Dr. Drew’s buddy Jen thinks that’s not a good look.
4. Adrienne’s and Paul’s scenes continue to be completely out of context. First they were launching cosmetics, then handbags, and now Paul needs laser hair removal. Why does Bravo even bother to include them in the final edits of the show if they can’t play nice with any of the others except Kyle, and even then, it’s only for an abbreviated meal? What’s the point in even having them around? It’s certainly not because watching Paul get his back zapped is appointment television.
5. Yolanda thinks Lisa is a dwarf. Lisa is 5’5 and was wearing heels at the time.
6. Marisa spilled red wine on her white Alaia. Jesus, take the wheel. DON’T DRINK RED WINE WHEN YOU’RE AROUND A BUNCH OF MESSY REALITY TV PEOPLE AND WEARING WHITE ALAIA. CLEAR FOODS ONLY.
7. Camille got oddly defensive about the whole dumb reunion team-up thing. I’ve been inclined to believe Camille in this situation all along (that Adrienne was calling people, but it wasn’t quite as pointed as Brandi seems to think it was – that sounds perfectly logical based on what we know), but I don’t really understand why Camille got so upset when it was brought up. Unless she’s simply sick of talking about it and frustrated that it keeps coming up – now that I could understand. Or unless she’s trying to avoid Adrienne’s bad side, which I suppose could be an explanation as well. Either way, Camille overreacted.
8. Ken’s relationship with Giggy is more or less exactly like my dad’s relationship with my parents’ English bulldog, Lucy. Except Lucy is the size of a third grader and there are no outfits, because Lucy would never.
9. Adrienne doesn’t own the Palms and Lisa doesn’t own Sur. FACT CHECK: Lisa owns 51% of Sur, which makes her the majority shareholder and, in fact, an owner of the restaurant. Even Sur’s website explains that Lisa and Ken own Sur with another couple, and if we want to count beans, being a majority shareholder is significantly different than owning a tiny portion of something. Not that any of that even matters, because who cares about how much of the Palms Adrienne owns? I still can’t figure out why Brandi brought that up or why Camille thought that bringing up Lisa’s restaurant was some sort of rebuttal to it. It’s good that none of these folks make their livings as lawyers.
9.5 Stating a fact, in and of itself, is not mean. The truth is value-neutral. If Adrienne only owns 2% of the Palms, then simply stating that is not mean. The only reason it could be construed as mean is if Adrienne had tried to obstruct that fact and misrepresent her stake in the hotel in order to make herself look better and everyone had just sort of agreed to go along with that, all of which would be Adrienne’s fault. Also not mean? Saying that Lisa isn’t the sole owner of Sur. It’s just the truth, and trying to use it as an insult is stupid because Lisa admits she’s not the only person with an ownership stake.
10. Yolanda has figured Kyle and Adrienne out. I’m hot and cold on Yolanda, as we all know by now, but when she’s right, she’s really right. She already has Kyle pegged as an accomplished drama-starter who’s Adrienne’s surrogate when Adrienne’s too chicken to show up and fight her own battle. Watching Yolanda confront Kyle with that reality was almost like watching someone break the fourth wall. Telling Kyle to stop re-fighting the same unchanging battle on behalf of someone who won’t even show up? Revolutionary.
11. Kim has a new nose and a new dog. They are both kind of adorable, truth be told. Also, Kim chose not to take pain meds after her surgery, which is pretty hardcore. Good for her and the new pup, I guess.