Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (4)

The thing I like best about the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is that instead of spending the entire season getting to the real drama that we all want to see, they dive right in and make no bones about it. It seems as though last night’s episode couldn’t possibly have been only the third of the season, but it was. It’s like they never left us, these Housewives, and I hope they never do. Well, all of them but Taylor, anyway. Bravo should feel free to push her out onto an ice floe if they want to.

We started with Kim and her daughter Kimberly (yep.), who were preparing for Kimberly’s prom like it was her wedding day. Kim didn’t have a normal childhood because she was an actress, so she was really intent on making prom as special as possible. And how would she do that? CHOPPED SALAD. Mixing and mixing and mixing a chopped salad for almost the entire scene, like her daughter was going to take it to the dance with her and distribute it. Her boyfriend was in charge of bringing a tuna noodle casserole.

At this point, I have to ask a question that I first had to ask (to no one in particular, because I was in college) way back during Laguna Beach: why don’t people in Southern California wear real prom dresses to prom? Why do they all wear little cocktail dresses that they’ll have a million opportunities to wear as adults? In the South, we wear ballgowns, because why the hell not wear a ballgown when the opportunity presents itself? And also, because it’s the South, and we wear dresses to college football games. But isn’t that more fun? Prom dresses to prom? Am I getting old here? Get off my lawn.

Over at Yolanda’s house, she was planning the episode’s party with a caterer and butler (yep.), which allowed Yolanda to give us a tour of her giant house and mention that Oprah had presented her and her husband (but mostly her husband, I’m guessing) with a bottle of wine from 1945. Oprah! We have our first Oprah namedrop in Housewives history, I think. Someone make a note.

At Kyle’s house, things were a little less glamourous. She was trying to teach one of her daughters how to drive in a Porsche Panamera, which seems like it might not be an ideal vehicle for a 16-year-old. Parallel parking was the lesson of the day, and they chose to use an $80,000 S-Class Mercedes on the street as one of their parking cones, which makes me sweat just typing it. We did get a funny story about Kyle stealing Kim’s Ferrari as a kid and then abandoning it in the middle of the street, still rolling, because a bee flew into it, so I suppose that makes up for the vicarious agita of watching a 16-year-old without a driver’s license try to parallel park in a $100,000 car.

Speaking of cars worth six figures, Lisa then rolled up in her Bentley with custom pink wheels to have tea with Kyle. Naturally, the point of the tea was for Kyle to try and broker peace talks with Adrienne and Lisa, and Lisa wasn’t having any of it. If I were her, I wouldn’t have any desire to resume my friendship with Adrienne either, plus it gives her a way to extend the storyline for a few more episodes, which can only be beneficial to her because she’s the sympathetic party in the situation, for the most part. Lisa is nothing if not savvy about her position in the Housewives universe.

At Yolanda’s house, party preparations were underway with the butler taking the role of Yolanda-flatterer for the evening. We then did our requisite time in the limos that were on the way to the party, mostly with Adrienne, Paul and Kim. (For the moment, try not to puzzle out why Kim was with them. It’ll only make your head hurt.) The only thing we really learned during the ride is the Paul is still incensed over “crackpot” and “Maloof Hoof,” which might literally be the silliest things anyone has ever held a grudge over in the history of Real Housewives. In a certain light, that might actually be viewed as an accomplishment.

We didn’t take a dip inside the Taylor/Kyle/Mauricio limo, which is probably for the best because it was likely just Taylor chirping incoherently about Brandi the entire time anyway. When they arrived at the party, we got an even more thorough view of Yolanda’s house, which included its enormous ocean vistas and a glass refrigerator for color-coordinated produce. Normally I’d make fun of that, but based on how my pre-Thanksgiving fridge looks right now, I can’t hate.

While everyone was trying to figure out if Yolanda’s butler was stalking them from party to party, Adrienne and Paul arrived, at which point Paul became incensed that Lisa did not greet them. That was particularly interesting, in light of how Paul ranted in the limo that he would be pissed if Lisa tried to greet him like she normally greets everybody, and then he ranted to Kyle that he had no desire to greet Lisa anyway. The plastic surgeon doth protest too much, I think.

Once everyone sat down, I was stunned, genuinely stunned, at what a beautiful dinner party it was. As her husband mentioned, Yolanda is clearly quite skilled at being a hostess and homemaker, and I suppose if you finance an incredibly lavish lifestyle for someone, it’s perfectly reasonable to expect that contribution from them in return. How can I get that deal? If someone would pay all my bills, I bet I’d throw a hell of a party. Call me, rich bachelors.

Things at the party didn’t stay perfect for long, though, mostly because Taylor was there and so was alcohol. The group was barely on the salad course by the time Taylor was sauced and ranting to the stranger next to her (a cute, very patient trumpet player) about how Brandi, her nemesis (yep.), would be GOING DOWN if she were there because she made a joke about sleeping with people in Beverly Hills. See, now aren’t you glad that we didn’t have to visit Taylor’s limo?

Once Taylor piped down, we found out how David and Yolanda met – through Yolanda’s ex-husband Mohamed. David said that Mohamed introduced them but didn’t want anything to happen between them, which he blamed on his Muslim culture, which seemed…needlessly specific. Don’t most men try not to set up their exes with close friends, no matter their culture? Most of the guys I know, anyway. Perhaps I know more Muslims than I realized.

Once dinner was done, everyone gathered around the piano for a little music. There were several professional musicians at the party, so they were going to entertain everybody with a couple of songs. Drunk Taylor got upset that she wasn’t allowed to perform, despite the fact that she’s not even passable as an amateur singer, and then she got upset again because of the song choice (“Amazing Grace”), despite the fact that she, Kyle and Kim had been singing it at David before the professionals even decided on a song. Drunk Taylor is never wrong, and I guess we all just need to understand that. David gamely played “When The Saints Go Marching In” for them to lighten the mood and ensure that Taylor wouldn’t fake cry herself out of her chair.

Finally, we stopped by Lisa’s house. She was readying herself to go to war with Adrienne (or go for a drink, whatever), which Ken disapproved of. Wisely, Lisa knew that if she turned down Adrienne’s direct invitation, she would automatically switch roles in the disagreement from the wronged party to the petty drama-lover, and also, person-on-person confrontations away from the rest of the group generally make for excellent television. We’ll have to wait for next week to find out, though – Adrienne was only able to utter a solitary, “Um…” before Bravo cut off our supply of sweet, sweet drama.

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  • Reality Junkie

    You are a talented recapper Amanda. I hate to say I told you so, but you’ve apparently lost some readership after turning your nose up at the other Housewives franchises (despite allowing your site to cover, of all things, “Keeping Up With the Kardashians”) and then unwisely recapping the very unpopular and unlikeable Miami ‘Wives. Your commenters were practically begging you to recap New York, Jersey and Atlanta but you refused, citing a lack of viewer interest. Yet other sites covering those shows consistently recieved hundreds of comments per week. You are one of the best recappers on the web and could have maintained the momentum you built last Spring. Listen to your audience.

    • Evelyne

      I wholeheartedly concur with that statement! I look forward to your recaps perhaps as much (if not more) than I look forward to watching the Housewives each week! Your commentary during the previous New Jersey season would have been brilliant. Just food for thought.

    • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

      Honestly, I had no desire to recap those shows. None! I’ll be straight with you: it’s a thankless job that cuts in to the time that most people I know are out socializing and having lives. (We don’t get screeners, I watch the shows at the same time that everyone else does.)

      We don’t make any money off these recaps. They’re not nearly as popular as our regular content, but we know that we have a core group who enjoys them, and I enjoy that group. With the limited (and dwindling) interest that we had in them, combined with the growth that the rest of the site was experiencing, the return on investment didn’t make sense anymore. I’m not just a writer here, I also manage our editorial schedule and edit everything that goes on to the site, which meant that Real Housewives was starting to force me to neglect my other duties – the ones that are integral to the function of the site.

      The comments may have decreased since we’ve started back, but the pageviews are about the same, so the same number of people are reading. The only reason I started up again is because I love you guys and particularly loved our Beverly Hills discussions last season. Doing this is a ton of work for no reward other than enjoying how much you guys enjoy the recaps, and I hope you guys can respect that.

      Also, I’d have to be getting paid in a completely different tax bracket to sit through another episode of RHNJ ever again in my life. I just can’t with Teresa, you know?

      • Reality Junkie

        Amanda, thank you for your response. I understand completely and hope you know I meant no disrespect. Just wanted you to know that we’ve missed you. XO

      • http://www.purseblog.com/ Amanda Mull

        Oh, no worries. I’ve always enjoyed your comments on the recaps and know that you didn’t mean anything negative. I just wanted to give a full, thorough explanation for the reasons that I took a break and why I came back. I’m glad you’ve stuck around!

      • Reality Junkie

        Amanda, thank you for being so kind and allowing someone to offer another point of view without giving a snarky response (which I honestly expected but was hoping I wouldn’t receive). Now can we get down to it….Yolanda’s house is incredible, and yes she is a fantastic hostess- but given her privilege, who among us wouldn’t be? And the name dropping- Oprah, Kenny G, Boz Scaggs, Barbra Streisand- for the love of, please, give it a break! As for Paul….seriously, in an interview, you are going to fault Lisa for calling Jackpot “Crackpot”, but just dismiss the fact that Adrienne called Lisa a liar and a sellout at the reunion? Taylor and Kyle, and their phony “let’s laugh really hard at something that isn’t funny in the hope that we get some camera time” bulls—…I am SO over the both of them. Please let a bee come on set an scare them both away.

      • Not So Gentle Reader

        I appreciate the fact that you have enough respect for your readers to respond to Reality Junkie’s comment. So many bloggers wouldn’t. Your attitude is part of what makes the Purse Blog so fabulous.

        I love your recaps, and even though I no longer watch many of the shows in the RH franchise, I always look forward to your writing. As far as commenting goes, I used to comment all the time until you moved to the Disqus system. For a long time, it demanded you register, and wouldn’t let one comment as a guest. So I stopped commenting. Now it seems to allow guest comments again, so I’m back. But I never stopped reading. Amanda, you’re a wonderful writer. Others could learn from you.

  • reality junkie

    okay, I get it

  • Laura

    I want to live with Lisa and Ken. Even when she is in the middle of drama, she always keeps it classy. Unlike myself, who tends to yell at people.

    I completely lost interest in RHONJ last season; Teresa is completely dull and unfortunately Bravo has decided to place all the storylines around her and her family. RHOM is just as dull as first season, except for Mama Elsa. She needs her own show, for real. RHONY was pretty awful this season, too. I respect your decision not to watch these, as I couldn’t force myself to watch them.

  • sara

    Love your recaps, Amanda! I totally respect your decision to pick whichever shows you want to recap. RHOBH is the best of the lot in my opinion as well. Keep up the great work!

  • Jeloi

    I enjoyed the recap and I know it got to be hard to watch all these shows and come up with commentary. Maybe some of us could be screeners for you, eventhough I have no idea what a screener is. I wish you continued success Amanda, again Great Job!!!!

  • Kitty

    Oh how amazing is Yoland, her amazing house, so amazing, her amazing views, oh so amazing, her lemons, oh so fruitful and amazing. Her amazing ability to cut flowers, put them in a vase and put candles on the table, so amazing. On top of it all, Oprah has seen all this amazing stuff. How ever could she manage to pull of a pretty table and an amazing dinner. I’ll tell you why: she has a load of money, so she does nothing in particular. Seriously, other people do it while she puts flowers on the table and takes credit for being amazing. I’d love that job if I could get it, but alas I am a housewive in a way different tax bracket. Still, I can pull of a hell of a party regardless. So, I guess I needed to vent how Yolanda annoys me. But Andy for the love of the RH franchise, get rid of the mean, drunk, icky lady with fish mouth aka Taylor. Team Lisa. I am glad you are recapping Amanda.

  • LizzyD

    I believe Taylor became upset by the next song choice “Danny Boy” and she started fake crying and throwing a fit. Loved Yolanda’s Hermes belt.

  • Camille

    I adore your recaps, and in the spirit of Thanksgiving… Thank you! I can’t always watch the episodes, so I’m thankful that you find the time to not only watch, but then use your skills to write an often hilarious and always insightful recap. I’m selfish enough to wish you recapped all the RH franchises. (well maybe not NJ, blech!) as I still try to watch them when I can. I’m actually not hating Miami this season. It’s been pretty crazy with cat fights, drag queens, bizarre dinner parties and of course, Mama Elsa. But of course, you have a life and I’m thankful for whatever you choose to recap. Have a wonderful Holiday!!

  • Dina W.

    Love the recaps also. But no ROI for the recaps? I’ve scrolled through no fewer than 10 ads to get to this point in the comments. Anyways, keep it up!

  • metz

    I’m so happy you’re back recapping the only RH show I am still watching. You are a wonderful writer and it’s always so much fun to read your commentary. All in all everything seems pretty much the same….Taylor has become an even more repulsive human being (get her outta there)…watching the Maloof’s now that we know what’s on the horizon is a little unnerving…..Kim still seems like a poor lost soul…etc, etc…. But then, of course, all this is what keeps us coming back.

  • CM

    Just a FYI: the Mercedes, which is a S63 AMG goes for $140,000+ not $80,000. Even the base S 550 is $90,000+

  • http://twitter.com/uyendee Uyen Dee

    I have always thought that Adrienne is a bit envious of Lisa, and how viewers have grown to like her. Thus she has striven to created story lines and drama to garner the same amount of attention Lisa receives. For examples, the miniature puppy “Jackpot” to Lisa’s Giggy. Does anyone remember the big German Shepherd looking dog Paul got her one year for her birthday/anniversary/whatever/whocares? What happened to that dog?–Not enough camera time to carry him around in a purse?

    Its a bit weak to hold a grudge against someone who jokingly called your dog crackpot, and your shoe the maloof hoof. Seems like drummed up dramz to me.

    Let’s be honest, Adrienne, though sane and not annoying–is just not very interesting.

  • Yeranikm

    I found it quite interesting what David said regarding finding a good housewife these days…I believe that if the majority of the female population could have spent their days of youth traveling and posing in front of a camera to then marry one muiti-millionaire after another who supplied them with an army of staff… Well you get my drift. There would be thousands of “good” housewives who don’t cook, clean, or raise their own children out there.

  • sherri

    Yolanda doesn’t belong on the show. She isn’t fitting in.

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