Last night, the Real Housewives of Atlanta sprained, fell, and twisted their way through the new episode. Well, Kim did anyway, and this episode was mostly about her and her epic faceplant. I, on the other hand, writhed, flinched, and squirmed my way through – I have dislocated my ankle more times than I care to mention in the past decade, and knowing the kind of pain that it creates, I found the episode almost impossible to sit through. The things that I do for you people.
This was the big reveal of the “alter ego” photo shoot, and besides some footage of Sheree and her nearly naked trainer and Kim being afraid to sing, not everyone got their own plot line. Which is just as well – makes it easier for me! And after making me relive every painful ankle injury I’ve ever had, I think the producers at least owe me that.
So, about Sheree and that trainer of hers. He’s cute! And in really good shape! But he thinks that Door 44 is the spot, and I’m here to tell you that I’ve been there, and it isn’t. It’s like an Ed Hardy bomb laced with Axe body spray went off in that place, and then they charge you like $12 for a vodka tonic, which is cruel, since vodka is really the only thing that makes guys in screen-printed t-shirts and hair gel easier to be around. But based on Sheree’s personality, it’s more than possible that those kind of a-holes are EXACTLY her type.
But we know what’s not her type: jocks! Even though she married a football player. Pretend that didn’t happen. Sheree apparently spends a great deal of time with her trainer (and it looks like it works – not for nothin’, she’s in great shape. Maybe too great), and in order to understand him better as a person, she goes to one of his fitness modeling competitions in order to see him jiggle around in an uncomfortably tiny silver lamÃ© bathing suit, a vest, and a top hat.
Unbeknown to her, however, he’s enlisted a fellow fitness model, an enormous man with a mouth big enough to swallow up us all, to hit on Sheree – well, not really hit on her, but talk about himself and his eating habits for such an extended period of time that she misses the uncomfortable jiggling entirely. And she really wanted to see it, too. It’s not often that I feel bad for Sheree, but this dude was not only unattractive, but also really not much to talk to. I, too, have been the victim of the uncomfortable, unwilling friend setup in the past. In fact, that may be a fate that we all have known.
Speaking of uncomfortable and unwilling: Kim! It was time to sing! And Kim really wants to sing except, wait, no she doesn’t! How dare Kandi invite her over and assume that she would want to sing! I mean, all Kim did was tell her that she was interested in Kandi producing a song for her and that she wanted to be a singer. How presumptuous of Kandi to assume that she was comfortable singing in front of a producer and sound engineer.
They eventually got her to do it anyway, and how they stuffed her and her giant plastic wig (as my friend John so aptly mentioned, it looks like a herd of My Little Ponies took a hair-dump on her head) and billowy prostitute-meets-Little House on the Prairie pink dress into the tiny booth surely somehow violates the laws of physics, but she recorded a hook and was done with it. She sounded pretty bad, but through the magic of Autotune, the final version sounds like she’s a female version of T-Pain. Which is to say, it could be a lot worse, although she mostly talk-sings through the verses. I could see it playing ironically at a gay club – from what I can tell of the crowd that showed up to Nene’s Athens book signing, the gay following of this show is LARGE.
But, on to the point: the “alter-ego” photos. Nene and the photographer decided to throw a black-tie party for their unveiling, which seemed like a bit much to me, but there was probably an open bar, so: well-played. For anyone that was wondering, Nene wore a Prada clutch and Sheree was carrying Vuitton.
While they’re traipsing around the rented house at the party, Kim, in her sky-high heels and dress that’s too tight around her thighs to allow her to walk properly, toppled over on a cobblestone and fell down a few steps. She was all scraped up and bloody, so they took her to her car and got her cleaned up and, after a few minutes, she started complaining seriously about her ankle hurting. On the after show with Andy Cohen, Kim said that she hadn’t initially hurt her ankle on the steps, but that she had twisted it when she got out of her car after being cleaned up to go see the photos. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I’ll suspend disbelief for a moment and buy. She was quite bloody, and getting back up on unstable legs, while wearing heels and walking on a stone driveway, could quite easily lead to at least a sprained ankle. And if you’ve never done that before, it HURTS. Particularly if it comes out of joint. I’m cringing so hard just writing about it. Moving on!
In order to accommodate Kim, they moved the photos outside to be revealed in front of the house, and everyone seemed like a good sport about it except Nene. And the photos looked…well, mostly they looked pretty awesome. Derek Blanks must REALLY like to fool around with Photoshop, though, because that was some excellent detail work that he did in combining all of those images. Kandi’s was particularly impressive, and even Sheree’s looked great. Kim’s was kind of drab, but Kim didn’t really want to be doing it anyway, and we knew that she was a terrible model.
And…that was kind of it! The pictures looked good, Kim fell but is ok, we got to see way more of Sheree’s trainer than any of us probably wanted to. Looks like we might be getting some fresh drama between Kandi and Nene next week, though…
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