I can’t even get it up for Real Housewives of Atlanta anymore. These women used to be my favorite, but now when I watch the show, all I do is root for Cynthia and Peter to get divorced and for Marlo to fall into an uncovered manhole and disappear forever. Actually, they could all fall in except for Kandi and I’m not sure I could even muster any concern.

Atlanta needs to be recast, badly, and I’m not really sure that there’s much point to recapping the rest of the season. I’m going to be writing about Mad Men when it starts, so if RHOA doesn’t wrap itself up next week, I am going to be giving Bravo major side-eye. I have a feeling that I’m going to feel exactly the same way about Real Housewives of Orange County by the time the end of its season rolls around. In the meantime, though, let’s have a recap.

We started the episode by addressing Kim’s hoarder tendencies, which included a garage full of yoga mats and UGG slippers and all kinds of crap that no one needs. At some point, Kim sent Sweetie on an errand to take some random trinket to her bedroom and she disappeared for 45 minutes because stopped halfway through the house to take a smoke break and threaten to call Clark Howard to report her mistreatment at work. Admittedly, watching Kim chase Sweetie around the giant McMansion was kind of hilarious, even if you shouldn’t have to physically chase your employees to make sure that they do simple tasks like help you clean out your garage.

In slightly weirder environs, Phaedra was getting lessons in mortuary sciences, and I can confidently say that I’ve never been happier watching this show than I was when I realized that Phaedra was working on a dummy instead of an actual dead body. That may be the last line that Bravo won’t cross – corpses. Not that I would put it past Andy Cohen, of course, but we didn’t cross it last night, at the very least. Watching Phaedra sew up a dummy did make me a little more scared to die than I already was, though. I think I’m just going to…stay in my apartment today.

At Cynthia’s house, Peter was hitting her up for money, which has to be a weekly occurrence at this point, whether or not they actually show it on the episode. They were still intent on planning their one-year anniversary party, despite the fact that no one has a one-year anniversary party except Seal and Heidi Klum and they’re getting divorced, so make of that what you will. Because Peter has champagne tastes on a Miller High Life budget, he obviously wasn’t able to scrounge together to cash to throw the party for Cynthia on his own. One has to wonder why a one-year anniversary party is even necessary if throwing it is a financial hardship, but trying to apply logic to anything that Cynthia and Peter do as a couple has so far proved impossible. For example: After Peter got finished asked for a loan, he told Cynthia that her sister wouldn’t be welcome in the limo that he had grifted from one of his “friends” for their ride to the party.

At Kim’s house, Sweetie continued to fail as an employee. Kim’s hairdresser had come over to curl Kim’s wig in the kitchen, and during their conversation, it became clear that Sweetie hadn’t bothered to register Kim’s kids for the next school year, despite the fact that the hairdresser, of all people, had given her the forms to fill out. I’m not sure why the wig wrangler would be doing any of that stuff anyway; wouldn’t procuring registration materials for school be part of Sweetie’s obvious duties as a personal assistant? Some grousing was also done about Kandi and last week’s lunch, but my cable cut out for a minute during that part of the conversation, so, you know, talk amongst yourselves.

Once again at Cynthia’s house, Cynthia and her sister were somewhat tensely discussing Peter’s behavior and their relationship. Cynthia makes a ton of excuses for Peter’s bad moods and general broke-assness, Mallory’s right, but I almost wish she would shut her mouth about it for the good of her relationship with her sister. She may be factually correct (and she is), but talking smack about someone’s man is a great way to get kicked to the curb, particularly when the involved party was desperate enough to marry someone like Peter in the first place. After Mallory called Peter an asshole, Cynthia swung back by telling her that she wouldn’t be allowed in the limo. Apparently we’re all back in high school and prom is being planned once again.

Elsewhere, Nene and Gregg were doing some actual parenting, a relative rarity on Bravo shows. Gregg had finally gone to spring Bryson from jail, and the three of them gathered in Nene’s kitchen to discuss how the family would move forward. When asked why he stole $14 razors from Wal-Mart instead of, you know, swiping his debit card, the best answer that Bryson could summon was a big ol’ KANYESHRUG. Nene once again said that Bryson had a limited amount of time before he would need to move out, but didn’t she tell him the same thing the last time he got arrested? We all saw how well that worked. What might work better? Stop giving him money and only let him use the car you bought him to go to and from job interviews or school. Bet he’d straighten up and act right real quick-like.

Or maybe Bryson will simply go on being a loser who’s pretending to be fancy for the rest of his life, sort of like Peter. Surprise surprise, it was time for Peter and Cynthia to leave for their anniversary party and the “free” Bentley limo was nowhere to be found. Perhaps that was directly Peter’s fault or perhaps trifling people attract trifling friends, but either way, a show of hands of people who were surprised by the lack of Bentley would likely yield no hands. I’m not even convinced that Peter was genuinely shocked, or Cynthia, for that matter.

The couple eventually made it to the party, though, as did Cynthia’s sister and mom. They met with Cynthia while she was having her makeup done and expressed their surprise that she was still married at all, which is a surprise that I think we all share. Thankfully not much of a fight broke out and Peter didn’t walk in on the conversation, so we got to join the rest of the guests, who were making awkward small talk and meeting Marlo’s Old Rich White Dude of the Month. He was actually fairly attractive, as Old Rich White Dudes go, which would perhaps explain why Marlo’s getup looked so much like a wedding dress. Getting a tad hopeful, dear?

It wasn’t long before Sheree arrived with Lawrence and a bus to throw Marlo under, justified as it may have been. If you remember, Marlo was tossing around the six-letter F-word with impunity when she was fighting with Sheree in South Africa. As it turns out, Sheree’s best gay Miss Lawrence is also Marlo’s friend and sometime-hair stylist, and much like she did with Kim, Sheree reported back on what people shouldn’t have been saying and the third party did all the smackdown work for her. The difference, of course, was that Marlo’s actually hateful and Sheree didn’t have to lie about what she said.

Marlo’s also a liar, in addition to being a flinger of slurs, which meant that when confronted about the F-word, she claimed that it had never actually happened at all, ever. You’d think Marlo would at least be more skilled at saying things that aren’t true, but she couldn’t even look Miss Lawrence in the eye while she pretended that she hadn’t been caught on camera denigrating gay men. As always, Bravo was kind enough to refer us to the tape to make the reality of the situation clear.

That wasn’t the only fight that was going on at the anniversary party, though. Peter was holding court outside and couldn’t help but make a few cracks about Cynthia’s sister, and in a teary, perhaps booze-fueled mess, Mallory stomped out of the party. With the effort that Peter went to to repeatedly call her out in front of the entire party, I can’t entirely blame her for being upset, particularly when it became clear that Cynthia didn’t see any problem with it. I hope that Cynthia wakes up and ditches Peter in time to save her relationship with Mallory; dudes come and go and someone as desirable as Cynthia can surely find another one. Sisters, however, don’t come along after you kick the ones you already have to the curb. Mallory’s irritation seems to be borne out of genuine concern for Cynthia, and I hope that no one involved takes that concern for granted.

  • Ellz

    Another great recap Amanda!! The hair stylist is also one of Kim’s friends. I can’t remember her name, but she appeared in the first and second seasons quite a bit. She had long brown hair at the time.

  • Lunnaellen

    The biggest shortage of all is the shortage of common sense.

  • CacklingHens

    Cynthia is so childish, that would explain why Peter is able to play with her head like a little idiot and spend all her money. She may not divorce him but the rate at which he is spending her money she’ll be broke soon and then he’ll leave.

    1. The way she was twirling her hair when she entered the room was so child like. His response “why are you sneaking up on me? It’s their house…..

    2. Her backhanded way of asking for things is ridiculous. Case in point asking Mallory if she wanted some wine, then turning around to tell her that she wanted it….huh????

    3. By the way, you are not allowed in the limo….Amanda you were right, that sounded like the limo to the prom and Cynthia being the mean girl. Grow up!!

    Mallory needs to stay as far away from Peter and Cynthia as possible. Cynthia is the kind of person that needs to learn her lesson the hard way.

  • KoutureCrochet

    I actually like it more now. I find it to be more real less bravo fake.

  • A Reader

    “…wouldn’t procuring registration materials for school be part of Sweetie’s obvious duties as a personal assistant?”

    Actually, I’m thinking that procuring those forms would be part of Kim’s duty as a mother.
    She has housekeepers, nannies, and wigs galore. What does she do all day except sit on her fat behind? Let her go register the kids herself. It’s just a little something that moms sometimes do…

    I think that Sweetie is an idiot, but even idiots don’t deserve to be slaves. I’m very glad that, one way or another, she has finally been “emancipated.”

    • AmandaMull

      Whether or not Kim has the time to do it herself, I think that if she’s paying a personal assistant, routine administrative paperwork like school registration would be well within the bounds of acceptable duties. I’ve know people who were personal assistants when they started their careers, the ridiculous things they were asked to do as part of their jobs went far beyond anything we’ve seen Kim expect of Sweetie. By it’s nature, it’s a thankless, menial gig. As long as Sweetie’s paycheck is current, a few forms shouldn’t be a problem.

    • Lisa

      that’s true!  I had no idea Kim’s behind was SO BIG – I mean NeNe is like BIG all over but I thought Kim had a much better body…Phaedra is cool.

  • LLANeedle

    I’m happy to see pics in amongst the text……thanks!

  • Reality Junkie

    I don’t know who I despise more…evil Marlo, hateful Peter or that spineless Cynthia. Who in their right minds, after a disastrous wedding where they could barely scrape together the money for an open bar bar, would spend $10k on a One Year Anniversary party? These people are absolute morons and I agree that the entire show (except maybe Phaedra and Kandi) need to be recast. Or better yet, let’s move to another city.
    Amanda, I am thrilled to hear you will be covering Mad Men! Just one more reason to be excited about the show finally returning. I think I’ve watched every episode four times now…I have “Mad Men blue balls”!

  • tanya123spa

    NeNe needed a bra in the scene where she and Greg were talking to Brice.  It was very disturbing and she was sagging quite a bit.  I don’t like her.

    • KoutureCrochet

      Wha? It’s called aging. Not everyone is lucky enough to live long enough to sag, so if she wants to sag in her own home let her!

      • Reality Junkie

        That is what bras are made for…

      • erica

        Hey, boobs sag, we get it.  In her own home, ok, but on camera and in front of her poor son? I mean I think he’d probably steal a sweater at Walmart next time for his mom. No young man should be subjected to that, and in the kitchen too, where he makes sandwiches and stuff?

  • bells

    I stopped watching after seasoning 2, so after reading the first par. and agreed I couldnt even make it through the recap.

  • suz

    I’ve more or less stopped watching, but still read the recaps.  That said, I dipped in and out of Sunday’s episode long enough to be reminded how utterly stupid and immature Cynthia is, how utterly awful Peter is  and how wonderfully weird and unpredictable Phaerda is.  Oh yes…..and, although she still scares me a lot, has Nene toned down her very loud and aggressive in-you-face persona?  Glad you’ve decided to do Mad Men.  I agree with all…..this franchise has run it’s course and the Barbie Dolls of Orange County are right behind.  I can’t imagine how they would ever recast these show…..let’s just move on….

    • LISA

          IN GENERAL, BRAVO HAS GONE SO FAR DOWN HILL…I HARDLY EVER WATCH AND SUNSET SHAHS OR WHATEVER IS A DEFINITE MISS…PLEASE BRAVO GET YOUR CRAP TOGETHER

      • Reality Junkie

        You are so right Lisa, that “SHAH” show is horrible. What were they thinking?

  • Tee

    I cringe watching this show and yes it needs a new cast and it’s happening right now.

  • Yana

    You are right, this season has dragged on like crazy! To the point where I stopped watching about 6 weeks ago. Frankly your cliff notes of the show are sufficient enough where I feel no need to watch it anymore. Great review as always! P.S. I wished you watched “The Walking Dead”, would so love to read your recaps on that show, casue its my fave!

    • AmandaMull

      I actually watched and loved the first season of Walking Dead! I haven’t been able to watch it this season, unfortunately, because too many of my favorite shows and too many things that I recap all seem to occur in exactly the same time slot on Sunday nights! These networks need to spread the love around to different days.

      • Ali

        Amanda – FYI – AMC is doing a TWD marathon on Sunday showing most of season 2 so you can get caught up for the finale, which airs at 9! (If you’re interested.)

        I love your recaps and mostly read these without watching the shows.

  • DanaPam

    I can’t wait for Mad Men.  Too bad Breaking Bad is ending, it was a great show.

  • Donna Keys78

    Very soon kroy will find his age mate and dump this old woman somewhere. She is so irritating. She can fake and pretend. Very lazy and classless. Kim you are old and you have freaking three children take responsibilities. Oh do you think that dump head kroy is happy about your past with big poppa,sit there and laugh,you will soon cry out of your mouth and ears

    • Kemji

      You must be Nigerian!