Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta, there was one thing, and one thing only that I was truly excited about.
It wasn’t Kim’s apparent proposal from Big Poppa, or Kandi’s first live show in Atlanta in years, or Sheree going to New York City to see her She by Sheree samples. No, none of that was at all exciting compared to one wonderful thing that occurred in last night’s episode.
Defying all laws of gravity, physics and logic, Kim’s boob situation managed to stay inside of her teeny tiny red birthday dress, and I couldn’t have been more surprised and elated that that was the case. As my friend John said, her boobs are like Lindsay Lohan – all over the place and out of control. But she danced like a white woman, she shimmied, she lifted her arms above her head (and that was when I got truly scared), and yet that dress hung on for dear life, and it stayed the course. And I can live another day of my life without seeing Kim’s nipples, and it is good.
But that other stuff that I mentioned that wasn’t exciting (and some of it just perplexing)? Yeah, that stuff happened too.
We’re working with two major story lines here: first, Kim and Kandi had a birthday party together, and second, Kandi had a comeback show at a club in Atlanta that is slightly less awful than the club at which Sheree had her independence party in the last episode. Nene made what amounted to a cameo in her back yard, and Sheree briefly went to New York to pretend that she really has a fashion line, but that was about it for them. Oh, and Lisa’s husband is getting in to broadcasting, and I think he’d probably do a pretty good job as an ESPN commentator something. Really, this paragraph more or less entirely sums up what those three Housewives did in the entire hour-long episode tonight. They got the shaft.
This was the Kandi and Kim show tonight. First, the birthday shindig. Or really, what happened immediately before it: Big Poppa put a big ol’ vulgar-enormous diamond on Kim’s lady finger and asked her to be his wife. You know, just as soon as he gets finished divorcing the first one. Who is also named Kim. Which I suppose helps Lee Najjar keeps all his wives straight – he just keeps finding women named Kim to add to the stable, and he never gets their names wrong. It’s kind of brilliant, actually. I guess that’s why he’s so rich: good ideas.
So Kim was flashing her ring (and almost her boobies) to anyone that would stand still for a second and a half, and it was so big that it blinded them all and everyone was just sort of jostling and bumping into each other for the rest of the party, which I suppose is what white people call dancing.
And then Kandi showed up, as it was to be her party as well, and she didn’t have any new fiances beyond the crappy one she already has, but they let her in anyway. And then they played Kim’s song, which we’ve already heard a zillion times, and it was still pretty mediocre, but everyone was impressed because the cameras were there, and all these people love a camera.
Kim said some nice stuff about Kandi in front of everyone, and Kandi took it at face value like it was coming from an actual human being and not a person that caused Michael Lohan to make a cameo in the show earlier in the season. She’s not humanoid like the rest of us, she’s an alien from Planet Barbie Hair.
Which is why Kim totally flaked out on Kandi once Kandi’s producer friends had autotuned Kim’s craptastic singing into something that actually sounded quasi-musical. Kim doesn’t know how to form relationships that aren’t based on the exchange of goods or services, so once the song was done and had debuted, Kim appeared to move on, perhaps in pursuit of a new friend with a diamond mine in her backyard.
See, Kandi was having a comeback concert to drum up buzz for her forthcoming solo album, and she even had two fierce backup dancers (seriously, did you catch the stomach on the blond one?) for the performance. And when you’re good enough friends with someone to call in favors from other friends for them and share a birthday party, then you’d expect that they’d show up to your comeback or at least have a really good excuse why they didn’t, right? Well, if that’s the sort of thing you expect, then obviously you’re not “friends” with Kim.
Lisa was there and…well, Lisa was there! And so was her husband, because, ya know, he doesn’t have anyplace to be in the morning. Sheree had fashion problems, so she couldn’t make it, and Nene…well, Nene was apparently still lost in her own backyard, which was the last place we saw her. Can someone get her out before next week, please? But she hates Kandi anyway, and the feeling is mutual, so just Lisa showed up. And Kandi’s mom, because Kandi’s mom goes EVERYWHERE. She was at the alter-ego reveal, she was at Kim’s birthday party, she’s lookin’ elderly at Tongue & Groove on a Saturday night – I hope I’m that good to go for a night out when I’m a grandma.
And Kandi sounded fine and I’m sure that someone out there will buy her album. I’d sing along to it in my car with the windows up. She did well to get on this show – if not, she’d still be the girl from Xscape that was trying to put out an album. But now people know that she wrote “No Scrubs” and has worked with a gazillion different people and she’s not just famous for being in a girl group with TI’s baby mama.
And that was it for this episode, but I will definitely be tuning in with rapt attention next week, if only to see Dwight hurdle over some Louis Vuitton while wearing a unitard and a pair of stilettos. And there’s not anything that I could say about that to make it any funnier than it already is.