Last night’s Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion wasn’t the rolling boil that we’re all used to from our motley crew of drama queens – it was more of a slow, fastidious burn that didn’t quite heat all the way up until the cooking was almost done.
Because I’m a blogger, I’m blessed/cursed with copious reading time that allows me to wander about the internet and find interesting tidbits of information about various and sundry reality TV stars that perhaps those with real jobs wouldn’t have the time to suss out. And, according to Kim’s ex-publicist’s Twitter account (lord, help me), our housewives were tight-lipped on purpose.
The rumor goes that Real Housewives of Atlanta is going into syndication, but that the cast is not going to receive any extra compensation from syndicated airings of the show. So they’re pissed, and they sat at the reunion for eight hours and were mostly civil and reasonable, in order to punish King Gay Andy Cohen and the rest of the folks at Bravo. So what did they reveal? I think you know where to click to answer that question.
I’m going to go slightly out of order now because I want to go ahead and address Kandi first – holy crap, I’ve never heard someone describe the body of a dead loved one on broadcast television. The entire thing was so sad. You have to have a certain level of delusion and narcissism in order to be an effective Real Housewife, and Kandi might just be too normal and nice. At any rate, she spoke in a surprisingly candid and detailed way about her relationship, breakup, and AJ’s death, but I’m starting to feel like this show might eat her alive. Maybe it has already started.
But, before we spend too much time thinking about anything serious as it relates to the freakin’ Real Housewives, on to the traditional RHOA drama – financial issues, daddy issues, and Big Poppa. And also, did you see all the glorious tranny shoes that they were wearing? Amazing!
Lisa still isn’t pregnant, in case anyone cares about what’s going on with her uterus. She also danced around admitting whether or not her house was foreclosed upon, which is silly, because lying about things which are contained in legal documents that are available to the public is pointless. For whatever reason, a foreclosure happened. You can’t have that much pride and also be on reality TV, Lisa.
Speaking of housewives with foreclosed houses, the only things that were really said about Sheree were that her boobs are real and that she’s not a lesbian (apparently someone at The Daily Beast thinks she is. I’m going to have to start making non sequitur accusations about the housewives’ personal lives so that they’ll say my name on Bravo too. Dwight is the father of Nene’s younger son!) She didn’t even bight on a question about why she’s so narcissistic. To which the correct answer would have been, “Because you have to be in order to be on this stupid show.”
And then there was the fight between Kim and Nene that no one saw, which is now the fight that no one is talking about. Andy said that cameras weren’t there when it happened, but most of the accounts of the incident that I’ve read contradict that, so I’ll continue to wear my tin foil hat and say that it is all just a not-so-clever ruse designed to trick us.
The fact that they won’t say anything about it now only makes that seem more logical – they’re not smart enough to lie in tandem! Kim and Nene don’t have the collective brainpower to both lie convincingly about the same thing, and the Powers that Be at Bravo took a lesson from Balloon Boy’s parents and didn’t make them try. Life lesson: lying on TV is hard.
Suddenly, our housewives were demure and unwilling to dredge up old drama, which is not at all like we know them to be. We know them to be crazy hags. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. Even Kandi commented afterward on Watch What Happens Live that she thought the reunion was boring and that Kim and Nene had agreed beforehand to not comment about the fight. Conspiracy!
But they saved the best part for last in order to motivate all of us to watch next week (at which point I will have to watch and recap the reunion, the Real Housewives of OC premiere AND Project Runway in one night. Oy vey), and that was the Big Poppa update. Kim was no longer wearing her engagement ring (which we found out was eight carats) and Poppa is still married, so if you have two brain cells left to rub together after watching a whole season of this mess, then that’s probably not that surprising to you, I guess. And Kim said that they’re not together anymore, but then Andy outed her by revealing that Big Poppa himself had popped up during the break and kissed her in front of everyone. To which I say, again: pics or it didn’t happen.
But Kim admitted that she was probably making bad decisions and the other girls were relatively mum on the whole topic, one which almost caused a physical altercation at last season’s reunion, I’ll remind you. After watching the whole debacle twice, all I can say is this: the fix is in.