And then, it was over. Last night, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills finished both its fourth season and seemingly interminable three-part reunion special, and hopefully it’s the last time we’ll have to deal with Carlton and Joyce in such a capacity. Rumor has it that they won’t be asked back for next season, and based on how little we heard from both of them other three hours of reunion whining, Bravo seemed to be encouraging us to forget about them entirely. You got it, Bravo.
1. We spent the first portion of the episode discussing a party from at least one, maybe two, seasons ago. I can’t entirely remember which season the first Brandi-Scheana encounter happened in, which makes it even more problematic that we spent the first several minutes of the reunion listening to Lisa and Brandi argue over whether or not it was a setup.
2. Yolanda is confused about Scheana’s motivations. Indeed, why would you worry about a woman’s boyfriend if you’ve already schtupped her husband while they were married? Yolanda asks the important questions and has the important haircut.
3. Arguing over whether reality stars strategize and form alliances could not be more moot. Of course they do that stuff. If they didn’t attempt to team up to win camera time and audience attention, they wouldn’t be very good at their jobs. Does anyone who has seen Real Housewives more than twice think that it accurately depicts actual, real-life friendships between private citizens? And if you do, have you recently sustained a head injury? Did you seek medical attention for it?
4. “Oh be quiet, Carlton, nobody cares about you. Not even Lisa cares about you.” I do not often wholeheartedly agree with Kyle on anything, but she and I have similar perceptions of Carlton’s relative importance in both Real Housewives and real life.
5. Kyle thinks that Mauricio’s cheating rumors were a storyline this season. I pay more attention to Real Housewives than I generally care to admit to people who don’t work on the Internet, and other than to address Lisa being inappropriate on the topic once or twice, whether or not Mauricio ever cheated on Kyle wasn’t really discussed in any meaningful way during the season. Kyle can be mad about whatever drama she thinks Lisa tried to start, but until it got to the reunion and Kyle wanted to argue about it, Lisa wasn’t doing a very good job of making the cheating allegations a topic of interest.
6. Yolanda’s haircut is still great. And her black manicure! And her mid-heel Jimmy Choos! Next to Joyce, who was wearing a bedazzled figure skating outfit and ten pounds of retail hair,
7. Brandi wants Lisa to let Scheana die in a fire. It was a hypothetical fire, in this instance, but it seems like Brandi would be willing to set an actual fire if she thought Lisa would come rescue her. Lisa seemed less willing to burn people to death in theory.
8. Lisa, like any good reality TV star, is just out for Lisa. Brandi and Andy (like Andy isn’t totally complicit in all of this) both pressed Lisa on why she cavorts with Scheana so enthusiastically on Vanderpump Rules, and although Lisa tried to pass the blame, the reality was pretty clear. Scheana is pretty good at being on Vanderpump Rules, and Lisa finds her easier to be around than some of the other cast mates, and Lisa is interested in both making a successful show and doing things that are enjoyable for her. She’s probably more interested in that stuff than she is in being an actual friend to Brandi, who she made friends with in the name of reality TV. Live by the sword, die by the sword.
9. For how heavily the husbands were promoted, it took them forever to show up. 36 minutes into a 60-minute show, to be exact. It’s as though Bravo knew we didn’t want to watch another hour of these women sputtering at each other and knew that they had to promise an hour of newness to get us to tune in.
10. We’re still discussing whether or not Carlton made a spell and got Joyce’s husband sick. I have nothing to say about that fact that isn’t implied by simply stating it.
11. “When I was in a bad spot, you pulled away. I need someone to stay.” If you’ve ever been dumped in your life and didn’t want to hug Brandi and maybe split a pint of ice cream with her in that moment, I’m concerned for you.