I’m starting to question why I find the Rachel Zoe Project so amusing, even though I still absolutely do. Not only do all the episodes follow the same storyline, but so does every season, and we all know going in that it’ll all work out in the end. Perhaps maybe that makes the show somehow more charming, or perhaps there’s too much beautiful clothing to look at for me to care.
Last night, Rachel continued to be pregnant while Rodger went to Vegas and her assistants all had panic attacks making sure that the move to the new house went smoothly. New assistant Jeremiah slept on the floor. We learned about the difficulties of packing Balmain in plastic sheeting. The more things change, the more the Rachel Zoe Project stays the same.
We started with Rachel and Rodger, one of whom was happy, the other not so much. Rodger was getting ready to head to Vegas on a private jet and Rachel was ready to launch a baby out of her crotch at any moment, so you go ahead and guess which one was which. Thankfully, Rodger ran off to take shots in a plane with his besties pretty quickly, and I thought that maybe we’d be rid of him for the rest of the episode.
My hopes were quickly dashed on that front, however. While Rachel was at home burning herself on popcorn and complaining about hauling around a baby in her belly to Gay BFF Joey, Rodger and a bunch of other middle-aged men flew to Vegas to pretend that they weren’t middle-aged and hope that Rodger’s son would turn out straight. To his credit, Rodger brushed off whichever asshole friend said that and instead said that he didn’t care if his baby was masculine so long as he’s healthy. I hope the asshole friend who wanted to toast to masculinity ends up with a son who’s a total Muscle Mary – big and manly, but when he opens his mouth, his purse falls out. Perhaps it would teach him something about masculinity, but likely he’s so far gone that it would just drive him to drink. I’d be fine with either outcome.
Anyway, because Rodger’s friends are all dads with day jobs, their jaunt to Vegas wasn’t exactly the stuff The Hangover was made of. The next thing we knew, we were looking at a room strewn with takeout containers, which meant that they were all aware enough to get back to the hotel room and sit down to eat some food. One of them had a couple of poker chips in his pocket and Rodger still had possession of his cell phone, so all in all, I wasn’t particularly impressed with their partying skills. Try harder next time, fellas.
Meanwhile, Rachel was back home and buying out the entire inventory of Decades. I got kind of slack-jawed and awestruck at the haul that she brought home, so I may not remember all of it, but I know that it contained vintage chantilly lace Oscar de la Renta, a couple of vintage Chanel gowns and at least two giant vintage furs. Drool may or may not have leaked out of the corner of my mouth when it all was done. I probably need to start keeping a handkerchief around when I watch this show. Back in Vegas, Rodger was sending a concierge to Hermes to get Rachel a gift; little did he know that she had already bought her own. He did lie to her and say that he went and got it himself, so I guess it all evens out.
And then there was Jeremiah, Rachel’s nervous new assistant. Do you remember him? He was still traipsing through the furniture stores of Los Angeles, trying to figure out exactly how much shiny stuff it takes to fill a 7,000 square foot house. As it turns out, it takes a hell of a lot, and Jeremiah was growing more panicked and desperate by the hour. He was even going to drive to a warehouse and pick up a canopy bed by himself, which made me wonder if he realized that it would be too big to fit in the back of a Mercedes SUV. I mean, he knows that stuff doesn’t come in an IKEA flat pack, right? He doesn’t strike me as someone who should be legally permitted to operate a U-Haul.
The next thing on Rachel’s agenda was moving (actually, it was her lipstick commercial, but BLAH, BORING), and naturally she was terrified of letting the movers handle her vintage archive and couture pieces. I wouldn’t even let movers drive my (much mess expensive) wardrobe from my college town back to Atlanta and it all flew with me when I moved to New York, so if I were in her position, I’d probably be having a nervous breakdown. Add a baby to that equation, and I’m actually a bit impressed with Rachel’s composure. Maybe the pregnancy hormones are actually good for her? Or perhaps slugging Rodger while wearing statement rings is therapeutic. One or the other.
Everyone else was having Rachel’s panic attack for her, though. The brunette assistants were packing up the wardrobe (Balmain is totally hard to put in dry cleaning bags, y’all. Too many spikes.) while Jeremiah was curled up in the fetal position on one of the new hardwood floors, awaiting the arrival of furniture that was out taking a guided tour of Los Angeles and would probably never arrive. What had shown up, though, was a used (Jeremiah called it “vintage.” Is there such a thing as vintage when it comes to rugs?) Versace rug and an ultramodern, graphic white chaise lounge for a house that seemed like some casual, bone white furniture would have been slightly more reasonable. Joey showed up to survey the progress and seemed appropriately unimpressed.
The next day, after Jeremiah had slept on the floor and yelled at a delivery dispatcher, all of the drama was resolved as we always knew it would be. Rachel and Rodger showed up and seemed utterly blown away by the fact that Jeremiah had bought a bunch of white furniture and accessories and placed it in the appropriate rooms. Although the bedroom looked perfectly serviceable, the living room looks very basic and boring, and I’d venture a guess that we’ll see the decor change significantly over the next few episodes if we pay close attention.
The important thing, though, was that Rachel didn’t lose her mind of have her baby right there on the floor, so everything else that happened during this episode can be counted as a net win. But really, they could have cut off the episode after they showed the black lace de la Renta dress and I would have been a happy girl. How do you even have a show after such gorgeousness has been introduced? No one’s going to pay attention to anything else that’s said. Bravo might as well have played with lipstick commercial that Rachel recorded on a loop afterward, for all I cared. Show me more vintage Chanel, please.