Rachel Zoe Project: “What do you want, a cocktail ring?”

One of my favorite things about The Rachel Zoe Project is that it’s such a nice palate cleanser after the nastiness of Real Housewives of New Jersey on Monday nights. It’s light, it’s fun and it’s filled with famous people and beautiful clothes. If ever there was a reality TV no-brainer, this show is it.

Last night, we got more cameos from gigantic fashion names like Oscar de la Renta, Donna Karan, Brian Atwood and Francisco Costa. There were beautiful gowns and runway footway clips and sparkles by the gallon. I died. Literally.

In case you were wondering, virtually no time has passed since we last left our intrepid band of fashion girls and gays. Rachel and her husband were still at Fashion Week, this time trying to find Oscar dresses from her slew of clients who will be attending the awards show. Just like last year, Rodger and Rachel’s anniversary falls in the middle of Fashion Week and Oscar season, and Rodger is still pouting about it.

BUT! He would have to be pouty at the Oscar de la Renta show, because that’s where they were headed first and Oscar waits for no man. De la Renta himself made an extended cameo to talk with Rachel, and then we got to see some of the glorious looks that Rachel wanted for the red carpet. And, of course, they were phenomenal. It’s de la Renta, people, of course they were. No other American designer does straightforward glamour like he does, and straightforward glamour is what the Academy Awards require.

Next they were on to Michael Kors (Or as I used to refer to him, Princess Michael Kors. Pour a little out for the lost homies.), but not before a tragic traffic jam made the gang late for their front row seats. Of course Rachel can run in her sky-high stiletto platforms, though, just like any fashionista worth her weight in cashmere. I half expected her to sprint the last ten blocks from the car service, but the segment from the street to the doors was all we saw. Sadly, those doors were already closed- the show was in progress.

She didn’t get to sit front row like she usually does, but she did wedge her way as far into standing room as she possibly could, thereby raising the ire of at least one fellow standing-room watcher who didn’t recognize her (and how could you not recognize Rachel Zoe at Fashion Week?) and got bit mouthy. Rachel was apparently pretty meek to her face, but once she was leaving with Rodger and Brad, she let the frustration out with a little dig about how Michael would want her to shove others aside, at which point Brad went into full-on “bitchy queen” mode and said that at least Rachel didn’t buy his clothes on sale at Saks.

I may be in the minority, but I loved that totally snotty, holier-than-thou moment. I don’t want to believe that these people are nice and courteous all of the time – part of the magic of the fashion industry is that it’s a bit cutthroat and nasty. THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT FUN. Or, alternately, that’s what makes it a total nightmare if you’re a much, much nicer person than I am. Rachel and Brad clearly aren’t, which is why I like them so much. Brad apologized for the remark on Twitter during the show, admitting that he buys a ton of stuff on sale and loves to shop at Saks, but I needed no apology. I don’t watch reality tv to see people being polite and reasonable – I watch it in hopes that Rachel will one day take off a tranny shoe and beat someone with it.

Next, it was time for Rachel to meet with Brian Atwood to discuss his designs and a shoe on which she’s collaborating with him. First of all, Brian Atwood is totally hot. Like, dreamboat. Gimme. Second of all…well, there is no second of all. The only thing that I remember is that Brian Atwood is hot.

While this was going on, Rodger was shopping for a lingerie gift for Rachel with the aid of her sister. They went to Kiki de Montparnasse, which is probably one of the most luxurious, sexiest brands in the world, and bought a boring black negligee without much imagination to it. Rachel’s sister giggled like an idiot the entire time, particularly when the vibrator came out, and Rodger looked like he had stumbled into the seventh circle of hell (which is apparently populated with gross girly things that remind him of sex with girls, which is also gross). There was some highly regrettable talk of a French maid outfit, but let’s never speak of it again. By the end, I wanted to punch the entire scene in the face. Note to Rodger: getting giggly and awkward and skeeved out in a high-end lingerie store is not helping the whole “Straight Dudebro Rodger” thing you’re trying to make happen.

Naturally, Brad wasn’t just lounging about amid his collection of bow ties while shoe-designing and embarrassing lingerie-shopping were happening, he was doing his job. At a fashion show. Because his job is awesome. He went to see Derek Lam and look for white dresses for Cameron Diaz’s Oscar moment (white is totally a thing among the Zoe crew) and found a perfect candidate. He also wore a totally amazing pair of Buddy Holly glasses to the show that I simply MUST OWN, so if you know where they’re from, holla at ya girl.

But Fashion Week isn’t just for watching – oh no, this year Rachel would be a part of a QVC fashion show with her low-priced line for the channel. Speaking of totally amazing: the sequined zebra tunic that Rachel wore to the show? I died a little bit inside. How do you find vintage sequins on that level with no snags and nothing missing? The mind, it reels.

Oh, right, the show. It was kind of a weird mash-up between fashion show and QVC broadcast with Vanessa Williams hosting, and when Rodger and Brad called to order a vest from backstage, the operator didn’t believe that it was really them and hung up. I wonder if she watched the show last night and had a little bit of a panic attack. Either way, it seemed like Rachel’s line sold very well – some people are VERY COMMITTED to their TV shopping.

The next day, it was Rodger and Rachel’s anniversary and they got a surprise DVD in the mail from Rachel’s assistant of their honeymoon videos from 1998. It was kind of adorable, and also a reminder that these people were actual, normal folks before Rachel was Rachel Zoe ™. When it was time to exchange gifts, Rachel got herself (from Rodger) a pair of rose gold and diamond handcuffs (but not sexytime handcuffs – cool bracelet handcuffs) and gave him a ring, and Rodger presented her with the lingerie. She sort of liked the negligee but didn’t so much love the thong, and I can’t really blame her for the following reasons:

1. Getting lingerie is kind of annoying to a lot of women.
2. Buying fashion for a Fashion Person is a waste of time, since half the fun of being a Fashion Person is finding things and buying them. The other half of the fun is trying them on in your bedroom when no one is looking.

No one even bothers buying me clothes or clothing-related items anymore since my taste is so specific, and I can only imagine that the same should be true a hundred times over for someone like Rachel Zoe – she picks clothes for a living, don’t try to pick them for her. Rodger also had a mystery box with which he hoped to do better, and he managed to hit a total home run: a custom-designed Rachel Zoe Barbie Doll. Ok, so this also wasn’t the best way to make the Straight Dudebro Rodger thing happen, but at least it made Rachel happy.

She apparently has a Barbie obsession, and Rodger picked actual clothes and accessories from her closet to shrink down to doll-size for the Barbie. Rachel was floored, and I have to admit, that’s kind of a cool present (not to mention a thoughtful one). I’m not an overwhelming fan of Rodger’s increased presence in this season, but watching people open gifts is oddly exciting. You get to enjoy some of the surprise vicariously.

After the anniversary moment, Donna Karan’s fashion show was next with a bunch of celebrities (Demi Moore, Brooke Shields, Susan Sarandon) in attendance. Karan’s show is always beautiful, and the preponderance of black and grey made me absolutely happy. Rodger was still sort of pouting about the whole lack of an anniversary thing, and that got old really quickly – fashion is her job. It pays both their bills. You can’t reschedule Fashion Week. Can you tell I’m not a big anniversary person?

Speaking of unnecessary interpersonal drama, the show cut immediately to Brad talking a bit more smack about Taylor and whether or not she would be at any of the shows. Of course she will be, she works in fashion. She got fired from a job, not banished from the industry. Also, we got a bit more awkward talk about Rachel and whether or not she’s going to have babies when her sister sat down to have “the talk” with her, which I assume has already happened a dozen times.

Rachel still doesn’t seem all that jazzed about the idea of having children and she’s afraid that her career will suffer if she does. To that, I say more power to her. If she doesn’t want kids, she shouldn’t have them. If she wants her career to be first, she should own that. Just because she’s a woman doesn’t mean she has to have children in order to be right or whole, and it’d be nice if people stopped trying to pressure her into it. It’s not helpful or productive, and it just gives us anxiety. I just wish everyone would get off of our backs, JEEZ. Ahem.

Thankfully, we got back to the fashion quickly after that. It was time for the biggest show of New York Fashion Week, MARC JACOBS! Rodger was clearly not as enthusiastic about the show or about the amount of hairspray that Rachel was wearing, but they both managed to get into the car (with Brad for comic relief) and make it to Marc’s show. Naturally it was amazing, and Rodger finally got his precious alone time at dinner afterward. I’ve never seen a man so obsessed with anniversaries – aren’t they supposed to be the half of the couple who forgets all about it?

Fashion disaster wasn’t far behind, however. The next morning, Rachel was informed that that Oscar stage would be white and that women attending were being asked to choose another color for their gowns, which screws up the entire plan for Cameron Diaz (and for Brad’s big moment with that Derek Lam dress from earlier in the show). Fret not, however, because the Marchesa presentation was next and it’s always full of red carpet wear. And of course, look six from Marchesa was the standout dress of the week for Rachel.

If the dress looked familiar to you, it should: Sandra Bullock wore it to win her Oscar for The Blind Side. I guess we’ll see the drama of Rachel losing the dress next week…